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I Am Feeling Sorry For Myself

I love my husband BUT I find myself in a situation that I feel almost sorry that I am a woman who has been and will always be faithful to him. Really.

I am mad at myself for putting myself into the position of "needing" him when he withholds affection, attention, affirmation, compliments, positive thoughts, finances and even his time from me. I believe that this is all due to borderline personality disorder or mental illness. The past 7 months has been very lonely for me. I do not feel that we have emotionally (and physically connected) at all.

If he would AT LEAST try to emotionally connect with me, maybe the LACK OF PHYSICAL INTIMACY would not hurt me so much.

If we had a physical connection, at least, I could enjoy "connecting" with him in moments if there was no other emotional connection.

Now, I feel that he is emotionally FAR away.

Sometimes I wish I was FAR AWAY too. 





Missalaineyeus Missalaineyeus 46-50, F 7 Responses May 27, 2012

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I think you need to define your version of faithful. Once defined you can follow your desires and have yourself fulfilled and happy. But you state above "when he withholds", that indicates choice and you need to give yourself some choices also. Enjoy the journey.

This has been the best support system for me. You aren't alone here.

Thanks so much...

I agree.

Quoting you here - "I am a woman who has been and will always be faithful to him"<br />
<br />
Consider this.<br />
A year ago, you would not have considered typing in sexless marriage on your googler.<br />
A year ago, you would not have considered having a look at a group like this, let alone joining it.<br />
A year ago, you would not have considered putting your story out there for all to see.<br />
<br />
But now, you have not only considered all these things, you've actually done them. The genie is out of the bottle.<br />
<br />
If you remain engaged here, and adopt a program of personal growth, by this time next year you will likely have considered all sorts of things that you had never considered before. Two years down the track and you will likely have DONE things you would never have once considered.<br />
<br />
This is not necessarily a bad thing.<br />
<br />
Reckon you'll give it a go ??<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

All is very true; insightful of you. Thank you.

If you feel that bad, bring up the subject of separating. If he doesn't have anything to say to that, then I would take that as an invetation to go do your own thing. There's like 7 billion of us on this planet, and I think things like "The Notebook" kind of blinded people to the fact that there might not be a "Mr. or Mrs. Right" for us, and if there is, what makes us think that this person even existed in our lifetime.

Thanks Chris but things are more complicated than ever in my life; I don't have the flexibility that I once had; he has been given a gift of my dependency and it will not be easy to establish my independence in any quick way. I know that I don't have to live this way and when I realize that he WANTS to stay this way, I will have to leave. I won't even consider "staying this way" with him. It is too painful for me EVERY DAY...much like the pain of bpd that he feels, I FEEL his rejection and I am tired and ready to "be done" with it also.

I understand some of the complications that happens when the scale starts to tip in the relationship between two people, but if your to the point where your fairly sure your going to leave, then I say start looking for a new place to live, a new place to workd. If you can support yourself, and any children you may have.Even the smallest budget would make endless opportunities, to start a new life for YOURSELF!!!

May 26, 2012 -----"I am about 6 month into understanding that my husband is undiagnosed BPD."<br />
<br />
Taken into context with your other stories, you have voluntarily taken on the role of caregiver and you are trying to step in here as attempting to diagnosis the BPD.<br />
<br />
You are probably going to need mental health support for yourself over the years, on a regular basis, since you have opted to remain with someone who, according to your stories, is emotionally dysregulated, and this dysregulation, manifesting in his negative behaviors towards you - is corrosive to the marital bonds.<br />
<br />
There are reasons beyond love that you have taken on a project such as this that you might need to be examined closely.

Thanks; I am very aware of how I can/did exhibit codependency behavior but overall; I fell in love with him years ago and did not KNOW that he had the abuse issues and emotional dysregulation until about 6 months after our reunion. I really DO NOT WANT my husband to be "my project" and hope that counseling for both of us will bring us balance "to the extremes" of the mood swings of bpd.

You have used the terms "BPD" and "mental illness" without offering any explanation or insight into why you believe that. That is a strong conclusion to reach without substantiation. Maybe you prefer not to raise it here. I sense that these are your feelings about the situation without engaging him about it in knowledge-gathering terms. Maybe again you have done so and do not want to voice it here. Is this a fairly recent change in behaviour? Are there any possible triggers for it? Usually people would associate BPD as being a condition due to childhood development and it has always been a problem rather than a recent manifestation. I don't know whether there are exceptions to that or not. Maybe further examination of your circumstances is warranted even if it only brings you further clarity and conviction as opposed to a solution? Have you ever said to him, "You seem troubled"?

Thanks FOIA...you are right on BOTH two opening counts of my story...I have studied BPD extensively and KNOW that he truly is exhibiting bpd behavior and I have learned and am using the tools to help us both live together; the lack of emotional connection has been the most painful for me. Emotional intimacy and fear of abandonment are the triggers for him. I believe that it was childhood development enhanced by core damage of his self through abuse. He KNOWS that he is emotionally dysregulated, angry and unjustifiably and EXTREMELY so; he is in emotional pain and psychic cognitive dissonance...he is a wonderful man, I love him but realize that he is 'troubled'...Thanks again.

I am really sorry, for both of you, to hear this. I am led to believe from others commenting here that there is really no prospect of him breaking free of this prison. Is that your understanding too? If it were down to willpower alone I would like to believe that it is possible to free oneself from this sort of burden but know if that was possible it would not be the issue it is. My sympathy is with you both. PS. Is there no way, if he recognises this that he will allow you or others to help him? Does he want to change but simply cant?

Thanks FOIA: BPD and DENIAL keeps him from wanting to accept the truth of his need for change; it is a deep mental illness that severely affects the emotional state of a person and how they react to others. He has agreed to counseling and I am setting up an appointment for HIM to go. I am kind of stuck now...long story BUT I am going to try to help him help us or if we separate, I will never see him again; there will be "no more recycle" where a bpd comes back and pleads to take them back. I will be gone for good and I have told him so and I do mean that.

I hope you have a good support system. (In addition to ep .) What a difficult situation you are in.

Thanks; I haven't told anyone else about it; maybe I need to share with my real life girlfriends but I feel that it would allow me to "turn against him" too easily; hoping that he will be willing to go to counseling for bpd; it is our only hope. Emotionally I am drifting from him and going back into my music; it has always been my refuge.