Confrontation 1

You're selfish. Very. Everything is all about you. Between this story and the fact that you complain about no sex from a chronically ill husband, I really have nothing but contempt for you.

He is very manipulating and would pull me in when he needed something from me. I gave it to him too without anything in return. Then I would address that very isssue and the cycle would start all over again...punishment for "bothering him" or "creating a problem that isn't there". I have to make the decision to stop thinking that this is going to get better and start saving money. I have a new job starting soon and I am so ready to stop being his full-time maid and slave. (because of being unemployed for the past 4 months,I know that yardwork,stacking wood and taking care of everything pertaining to the house was a given..I get that) I'm still a human being though and I deserve to be loved. He's a selfish jerk and I made sure I told him.

I totally get what you are saying. I've been through a similar situation with my ex and I have 4 children. They are grown and out of the house but I had to start over and took a huge loss because he made more money than I. I couldn't afford a lawyer and I just wanted out because of abuse. Now I have been in a relationship for 4 years with a guy that is withholding sex and intimacy to punish me. I saw the signs and I wish that I listened to my inner self. I don't even have children with him and it is difficult! I lost my job last Dec. and have had to rely on him financially. Mind you, I have always cooked for him, laundry,house etc. while having a full-time job as well. We have never gone to a movie or rarely anywhere for that matter in 4+ years. It's all about him and I acommidated him right from the beginning. I guess it was the way I was dddraise

I am in the midst of my "Sexless divorce". I have taken the approach we will all be best served to avoid emotional outbursts, which is an obvious challenge in something inherently emotional.



I have come to accept that we will never agree on the past. No facts, argument, debate, etc. will lead to an agreement so what is the point?



I also accept the law defines how my divorce will proceed. What is "fair" is really irrelevant. Divorce has an emotional element and a legal element. As far as asset division or future financial support is concerned - it is very straight forward in my state, a "no fault" state.



It has taken me time to get to this place, but I did so by focusing on my goal - which is to exit this marriage and pursue happiness. It's that simple. Arguing with my wife over the past, or a couch, or some other material possession is not in support of my goal. I do not seek what I don't deserve nor will I give what is unfair - but I will calmly execute this divorce, I will leave, I will find happiness, and I will continue ot be a loving and supportive father.



Best of luck.

MIF is giving you the best advice IMO. You already know your chances of getting child support from him are very low. Tell him you will accept the house in full as an alternative to him paying child support. I KNOW ths is unfair, but it might still work in your best interests .



1 You get the house - free and unencumbered. You can then decide exactly what YOU want to do without consideration for what he wants. (When my sister and her now Ex were trying to sell their house, her Ex kept the house from selling by refusing to accept offers on the house, saying they were "too low" even when they were reasonable!)



2 You avoid the constant battle you will inevitably face trying to get child support from him. And this will (probably) be long, drawn out, tedious and consistent - until your children are adults.



IF he does not agree to this, tell him (and both mean it and stick with it) that you see this as being fairest to HIM! If he cannot or will not see that, then you WILL fight him through the courts for every cent. And that ALL your "dirty linen" will come out. And you will take him to copurt EVERY time he fails or is late with Child Support.



It is time for him to see you as the STRONG woman you really are. Years of him getting what he wants and you letting him have this has lead him to believe this will yet again be the case. Time to stand up to him now for fairness sake.



Also, if he cannot agree, tell him you wish to place the whole matter in the hands of your lawyer. This means HE will need to retain a lawyer too. Then let the lawyers work things out. I know you want to avoid this if possible, but when you cannot get agreement you may be forced to do this.



And your STBX may well start to see reason if he realises he will have to retain AND pay for a lawyer!!!

What if he calls your bluff?

My heart is still listening to what he SAID rather than realizing all his ACTIONS contradict those, and when has he EVER looked out for MY best interests?????



It's so hard because I do not want to end up hating him, not when our children are involved. But more of this sh*t is more than I can stand some days.



Who is ever there for me - not him for sure, unless it suits him somehow.



Feeling down & upset right now, likely because my work term is ended and I haven't yet thrown myself into the next project...

Chin up, you're so close, don't lose your cool now, hang in there.

Apart from getting absolutely mad at him what else do you want from him now and in the future?



I doubt any divorcing couple ever feel that it is a fair process, that is why the courts often talk about clean break divorces and not fair divorces or equitable divorces. If they did, as they used to, the court system would be clogged up with never-ending divorce proceedings with the lawyers taking everything. The courts are determined to be dispassionate even when the parties involved cannot.



Will you want him to take on the kids in some form or another so that you can pursue a personal life, a career in the future? In your particular case it is maybe something of a doubt given his condition and his attitude to it, but it has to possible that it could get worse, if he walks away and says the kids are entirely your responsibility. And then there is the issue of child maintenance. The courts view is that apart from continuing joint responsibilities for children that both parties should be enabled roughly equally, to be able to start over again. They take a stern view of it being used to apply retribution. Try however you can to get it out of your system. You have been brave to take on the test of marriage, something which I was never able to do. Too big a challenge.

Congrats on getting your separations.



In all unfairness, a 50% split is what is fair. If he is willing to take less he is simply not looking out for his own best interest. It is the risk we all took when the ring of power was forged.



Realize he may simply be trying negotiate for more than he initially asked for.



My advice is to work for an agreement that makes you both feel that the distribution of property is EVEN, not FAIR. If you can't do this, then lawyer up and get ready for a very expensive legal battle.

I figure that this was not your intent Ms Z, but this is a poster story for "choice" and the consequences (good and bad) there-of.

It's brilliant in that context.



Anyway, I can hardly credit that this assertive truthful woman who wrote this today is the same woman who wrote that original story back in January.



How's that song go ?? - "You've come a long, way, baby"



Tread your own path.