I Live In a Sexless Marriage
I had to take a break from our beloved group for a few months. And recently I wondered why I felt this. It wasn't because I didn't like it here, or I didnt get enough support, or that someone, purposefully or inadvertentally, pissed me off. And I certainly didnt forget this place, in fact I thought about it several times a week. But, I just couldn't find the energy to log in.
As most of you know our energy, in a sexless marriage, ebbs and flows. I have been a member of this group for a little over a year. I have posted, commented and laughed with these stories. I have cried at the loneliness and isolation. I have shaken my head at injustices and crazy RonMcDon comments! And I have enjoyed it all.
I have tried new hobbies, reached out to friends and increased my hours at work. I have talked to attorneys, looked at apartments and searched the house taking a mental note of the things I would want at my new place. I continue to go to a therapist whom I've gone to for far too long. In fact, I think I have spent more time with her than my best friends. Her son recently got married and I was offended I wasn't invited and then I remembered we're not friends. It just seems that way because I love her and she gives me support. I take my dogs for a walk and I clean my kids' closets. I have started to play golf again after years of my clubs getting dusty in the garage. I shoot baskets in the driveway when the kids are in school because it feels good. On days that I am not working and I am alone in the house it feels right. When I have trouble coping I lay down for a 45 minute nap. I spend an unhealthy amount of time pondering who I'll be when I leave. It's exhausting to keep your mind off a sexless marriage.
I still troll the internet thinking I will come across a nugget of information that will tide me over, like the all important 4pm snack that satisfies your hunger until dinner. I search for that "other" group that exsists to complain to. They need to understand my horrible sexless life which includes a healthy partner, two beautiful kids, no debt, a house, and employment. My life, is sadly, pretty darn terrific.
And then it hit me this morning, innocently reading some web page, that I could be running out of sources of comfort. No matter how loving and great this site and these members are, there is only so much support we can receive until we are once again depleted. The place we are when nothing, no matter how wonderful, can fill that one lonely spot. And instead of it being the dark hole of despair that we long to forget, it become an attractive mesmarizing light. IT becomes the source of hope. No matter how much you have been avoiding it because you dread telling the kids, or contacting a lawyer or perusing houses to live in, it suddenly becomes your friend. The darkness of that hole that has been swallowing you up is now the door to a new life. And you look at that place and it suddenly doesn't look that intimidating as before because you see the possibility and you realize for the first time that being without resources, new friends or hobbies and your inner critic is a good thing. Being out of options, patience, and support may be exactly what you need.
As most of you know our energy, in a sexless marriage, ebbs and flows. I have been a member of this group for a little over a year. I have posted, commented and laughed with these stories. I have cried at the loneliness and isolation. I have shaken my head at injustices and crazy RonMcDon comments! And I have enjoyed it all.
I have tried new hobbies, reached out to friends and increased my hours at work. I have talked to attorneys, looked at apartments and searched the house taking a mental note of the things I would want at my new place. I continue to go to a therapist whom I've gone to for far too long. In fact, I think I have spent more time with her than my best friends. Her son recently got married and I was offended I wasn't invited and then I remembered we're not friends. It just seems that way because I love her and she gives me support. I take my dogs for a walk and I clean my kids' closets. I have started to play golf again after years of my clubs getting dusty in the garage. I shoot baskets in the driveway when the kids are in school because it feels good. On days that I am not working and I am alone in the house it feels right. When I have trouble coping I lay down for a 45 minute nap. I spend an unhealthy amount of time pondering who I'll be when I leave. It's exhausting to keep your mind off a sexless marriage.
I still troll the internet thinking I will come across a nugget of information that will tide me over, like the all important 4pm snack that satisfies your hunger until dinner. I search for that "other" group that exsists to complain to. They need to understand my horrible sexless life which includes a healthy partner, two beautiful kids, no debt, a house, and employment. My life, is sadly, pretty darn terrific.
And then it hit me this morning, innocently reading some web page, that I could be running out of sources of comfort. No matter how loving and great this site and these members are, there is only so much support we can receive until we are once again depleted. The place we are when nothing, no matter how wonderful, can fill that one lonely spot. And instead of it being the dark hole of despair that we long to forget, it become an attractive mesmarizing light. IT becomes the source of hope. No matter how much you have been avoiding it because you dread telling the kids, or contacting a lawyer or perusing houses to live in, it suddenly becomes your friend. The darkness of that hole that has been swallowing you up is now the door to a new life. And you look at that place and it suddenly doesn't look that intimidating as before because you see the possibility and you realize for the first time that being without resources, new friends or hobbies and your inner critic is a good thing. Being out of options, patience, and support may be exactly what you need.
By:
golferel
Age:
41-45
,
Female
