Not The Person I Married

I am so frustrated and just need to vent. I married my husband knowing that he had back issues and would eventually need surgery and would not be able to work. I have a good job and money is not an issue, the issue is his pride. He had a successful surgery, but he has turned into the meanest person I have ever met, I took it for awhile, but 2 yrs later he is stil exploiding and playing the victim in life. He said it was because his pride was hurt and he could not contribute to paying household bills, said things would get better after he received his first disability check. After fighting 2 long years for disability he finally got his check, this has not changed him, now he is mean with his own money. I never know what I am going to come home to, we have been in separate bedrooms for the past year. He blames everything on me, yells and calls me very mean things, then the next minute he is very nice.  I just can not take this emotional roller coaster. I have resorted to not talking to him thinking that he can't call names and treat me bad, that was a mistake, this infuriates him more. I have never been treated like this and am contemplating divorce at this point. I asked him to leave on a trial basis and he won't do that.
holclj holclj 46-50, F 10 Responses May 29, 2012

Your Response


Separating / divorce does NOT ultimately hinge upon the other party agreeing to it, or even being that thrilled about it.

Tread your own path.

" It was me who refused to have sex with him, not him. "

Just as I suspected.

Yeah, you are the victim. We all know how you feel.

Blah blah blah.

Read more of our stories.

Blah blah blah.

****, this place is getting filled with more and more stupid people.

Wow, who jaded you, seriously, is life that bad for you that you need to lash out at others. And your definately right there is a stupid person on this site.

Sounds like you are almost ready to give up but want to see if anything will help.

I know this is a bit cliche, but try marriage counseling before divorce. Hopefully he is up for that. If he is not willing to try that, then it really is time to get a divorce.

And sometimes even the counselor will recommend divorce. If you both are willing to try and that's where it leads then it is what it is. At least you tried.

I used care for a woman who was abusive (verbally)

I took her to the doctor, I told him.. she is angry when she wakes up,

she is angry when she goes to bed. and from that visit he gave her some med's to adjust her anger issues . it was a miracle

Its tough because he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him, which makes everything worse. He loves to put labels on himself so he can be the victim, for instance he is disabled now, so its poor me, poor me everyone should feel sorry for me. Taking him to the doctor and having the doctor put another label on him would I think be worse.

he knew his picture of health was worst then he depicted it to be...

that is why he married you...

he saw the enabler in you

I have to disagree with your comment, I am not an enabler of bad behavior and that is just obsurd to think I enable someone to call me names.

hol .....what I'm saying is, he knew his health would decline more then it all ready had.. un be unbeknownst to you...

you have a good job, he saw that ....

and along with ur ability to go along with the show ( his show)

wa-la ur married!

he needed/needs some one to care for him, is the bottom line...and u are the target! be it through finacial or other wise... health care anit cheap !

There may be problems due to medications following his back surgery and even if he has finished taking them there may be lingering effects. That being said I doubt there will ever be any improvement, any personality changes that are a result of the surgery will probably be permanent.

Don't feel like you have to be apologetic for losing desire for him because of his abuse. No one in his or her right mind would want to get very intimate with someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive. Sure, I suppose he could see his doctor to discover if his meds are changing his personality, but in my opinion, the damage is already done. At some point, if I were being so ugly to my significant other, I'd have to stop and figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and I sure as hell would not expect someone to love me or want to have sex with me if I were treating him like that.

Stay strong. You're doing the right thing by remaining detached, and I do know how hard it is to take the steps to leave, even when the love is gone.

Thanks, I appreciate the non-judgemental comments.

You have to figure that you are seeing the real him rather than the guy you met and married. He probably tried to suppress it but once a bit of pressure imposes itself, off he goes and there's no holding himself back. Blaming it all on you is just plain stupid, nothing but stupid. If he is around your age there is no hope of him changing now.

If you have the means to do so and wouldn't fear what he might get up to, take yourself off for a couple of weeks somewhere, a retreat, a seminary, whatever. What you will experience will amaze you even though you THINK you know what pressure you are under now. The difference will simply stun you and strengthen your resolve. It's like being in a computer room with computers chattering, fans screaming, air-conditioning blowing and then someone throws the mains off-switch.

When did he first start refusing to have sex with you?

It was me who refused to have sex with him, not him. Its difficult to be close to someone who verbally abuses you and he at this point disgusts me.

Your H is abusive. You can seek help from a women's shelter.

You can also talk with his doctor - it's possible he is depressed. However, that does NOT mean you should stick around to be a punching bag.

First off you should do the old "talk with a lawyer" bit. See where you stand legally and financially. It's possible if you can prove abuse he will have to leave - you could get a restraining order.

Take it from me, illness is not an excuse to be abusive to your spouse. I put up with it for 10 years.