That Sinking Feeling.

Even though I prepare my self for disappointment, I can't control it.
When you think of everything and all the years, and that sinking feeling sucks out all the air out of your chest,
and just makes you want to cry uncontrollably..
In a few weeks it will be our 11 year anniversary, last year was suppose to be the BIG one, but nothing.
This year I expect nothing, I look forward to nothing and I ask for nothing....and when I get nothing, I will die a little inside.
No matter how hard I tell myself that, things won't go back to the way they were and to just give up, this still happens to me all the time.
It's like knowing if you don't cook dinner there will be no dinner to eat tonight, yet you still get dis appointed the moment you walk in the door to an empty table, how stupid right?
Guess I'm falling behind in my progress...again.
Thanks for listening.
oceansun oceansun
36-40, F
12 Responses May 29, 2012

You are so good at putting words to things that I feel. Thanks for sharing this.

I just had my 13th anniversary on May 19th, I barely got a peck on the cheek. I feel your pain.

Im suffering the same, married since more than 2 years to a feelingless husband, i know how hard it is. Well said, BIG DATES ARE TOUGH. They bring more disappointments, make u cry more n make you feel the worst. N then u feel like, OOPS!! WHY IS MY BIRTHDAY/ANIVERSARY coming, wish it can go a year later. Hard guys, Sick of life.

I live the same way. I get gifts but he ruins everything. We don't talk. Went to counseling twice. He called me yesterday said he may get another promotion. I should be happy right. Not. That means he'll travel and I'm stuck here all day alone because I would have to care for his 4 chows. All my husband does is tell me what I do wrong. We lost twins in 2009 we were ok for a while then we just fell apart. He goes to bed on the other side with his arms crossed. Says he's frustrated, tells me to get out everytime we fight. I'm so tired of feeling alone. When we do have sex he's worried about one person and one only. I hate living this way.

You guys are great, Thanks so much for the support, I'm trying my best everyday, fingers crossed things change in one direction or the other, better or worse, actually this is "worse" so it can only get better.

I felt like that on my 25th anniversary. You're years ahead - don't waste them!

He keeps breaking your expectations quicker than you can lower them.<br />
<br />
Your expectations are plumetting.<br />
<br />
You'll hit bottom soon I think, and it ain't going to be pretty - for a while there.<br />
<br />
But there is no avoiding it. You can't go around this problem, or over it, or under it. You can only go THROUGH it.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Thank you all.<br />
I guess because there is no affection or any special treatment through out the year, <br />
that these dates become more and more important because I hope I am worth that much. <br />
How many more Valentines, Anniversary's, Mothers day or any ******* day for that matter, will I allow to go UN-appreciated, how many more will I endure? Who knows.

Not Stupid at all - Its just disappointment, enjoy it for what it is or try to look at it from a Different Perspective As the Cat in the Hat says " Something Different, that's the name of the game"<br />
<br />
I'm coming up on my 10 yr and fully expect disappointment, But I will be enjoying my disappointment with a smile...I choose not to die inside but awaken!

Sooner or latter most of us here have that final WTF moment. That moment of total clairity. That perverbail straw that broke the camels back. That moment where the truth slaps us so hard that we just say ENOUGH, I AM DONE & I AM GONE!!!<br />
<br />
You havent hit yours yet. If & until you do things like this pop up from time to time that are painful reminders of the life we CHOOSE to live. You see in the end it is a choice we all make. Be that a choice to go or a choice to stay. But it is a choice we make one way or another because we feel safe in making that choice. Right now you still feel safe in choosing to stay. There is NOTHING wrong with that. It is your choice to make.<br />
<br />
Maybe one day the pain of that choice will finally be more than the fear of making the choice to get out. For those of us who did decide to get out it was a painful & fearful choce. But the pain of staying finally hit a point where it was far more than the fear of getting out. Come to peace with your inner self & the choices you make. Maybe then you can make the final choice that is right for you.<br />
<br />
Bang Away<br />
NSH<br />
<br />
P.S. MEEBO SUX. I hope thios makes sense. As I am typing the bottom of the typing box is bouncing. Could be interesting

Oceansun,<br />
Sorry you are going through that. It seems just as we are resolved in one way or another to deal with this BS, and we finally feel steady, something comes and knocks us off kilter again.<br />
I wish I could give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Here they are virtually, anyway.<br />
<br />

Well I went through that last weekend, I know exactly how you feel - you think you are over it and then something just makes you snap.<br />
<br />
We need to move on and get some GOOD memories to replace these.<br />
<br />
Ever since Saturday I can no longer listen to Blue Rodeo because it's all sorry Jim Cuddy