25 YearsI wasn't sure if I should post a story right now or not. The sexlessness seems to be more and more grating as the days, weeks, months and years go by. There is a part of me that wants to just cut and run, and part of me that wants to stay, tough this out, and find alternate ways of getting the missing intimacy (yes, I've mentioned potential for affairs, escorts, etc, and done nothing yet).
Next week represents our 25th anniversary. That's a lot of time invested in building a life and a family. I love the life we've built, and our wonderful family. Leaving all of that over sex doesn't seem logical. I had a revelation the last couple of days as far as why I am so adamant against leaving. Some of you read in my responses that I came from a messed up childhood, including about 9 years in the foster care system. When I left my birth home after my father's accident and my mother's death, I was 10 years old, and had two paper grocery sacks with all of my belongings that I was allowed to take in them. I lost everything, home, family, friends. Everything. Then I went to three different foster homes, and left everything behind two more times before my final stop. I was blessed to have a real family in my third foster home, and learned how to live in a family that was not dysfunctional.
I wrote that not to elicit pity, or anything else. I finally figured out why I cannot leave. I have lost everything that mattered in my life three times, and I cannot do it again. While there could be a really bright future out there for me with another woman, I am not willing to burn down my whole world, and my whole life's work because of this misery.
I don't know what this means for me and for the next 30 years or so on this side of the grass. I am making my life up as I go along, and I don't have a road map for this stretch. I have to say I appreciate this community very much, and there is some comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I just wish we could all use hindsight and get a do-over. I think most of us would have made different choices.
For those of you who are young, and/or unencumbered by children, my advice would be to cut your losses and move on. My roots are too deep here to do anything drastic.
*I reserve the right to change my mind on this, but I don't see how that could happen.