25 Years

The 25th anniversary was a milestone that started me re-evaluating too. The investment of time alone isn't enough reason to stay, but it's definitely part of the equation. Just remember - and I'm also telling myself  - there's no rush to make a decision, but not deciding is a choice to stay. 



This may feel like it would be similar to what happened to you as a child, but this time the choice is yours. And there's no reason to believe  you'd lose everything if you leave - friends, children, etc. Changes, yes. Complete loss, unlikely. The catastrophic thinking that we do about divorce fallout probably isn't how things would really be.

I have been married for 24 years. My husband thinks I am nuts to throw it all away over sex. We have 2 kids, 10 &7. I was planning to stay another 10 yrs for them, but I can't . A switch was flipped when I woke up & realized that this life that I have, although wonderful in many ways, wasn't what I REALLY need. I NEED intimacy. I NEED to feel connected. I need to feel like I have a true partner, who looks out for me, who values my happiness. I am so very tired of feeling this profound loneliness inside. I would rather feel lonely & be alone, than to feel it while married. This is my one life! I can't live a superficial life any longer.



I tend to agree with your theory about your losses during childhood. I lost my mother when I was 15. She was a single parent. My 2 sisters & I also lost each other. We were split up & raised separately. It was a devastating time. It still affects me to this day. My dream was to get my sisters & I back together. Of course, it never happened. Having a family when I got married was very important to me. The family losses I had from my childhood, I think, paralyzed me from moving on from my dysfunctional marriage. I am essentially abandoning my life. ( but not my kids) And I am scared as hell! But I am doing it anyway. I just can't live this way anymore. I have to believe there are better days ahead.



Someone here told me, that if you choose to stay in your marriage, for the kids or whatever your reasons are.... You have to embrace your choice! Or it will eat you up inside. Can you embrace your choice? I couldn't anymore......



I wish you much luck on your journey!

You stay...until you simply CANNOT. You're not there yet, but I am afraid you will be, eventually. It's okay as long as you keep your eyes closed, like a child who's afraid of the monster in their room: "as long as I don't look, it'll be okay." But eventually, you feel the NEED, burning need, to take a peek. And once you do, once you open your eyes to the pain, the condition your soul is in due to the lack of intimacy in the one relationship that is supposed to guarantee you that "soft palce to fall"? There is truly no "unseeing"....there are logistical nightmares and worries about the kids, and financial quandaries....but you CANNOT "UNSEE" what you have seen....best of luck to you.

A read of my story "Things Change" might be a good idea if you can be bothered.



In regard to the "road map", there is such a map. It is in these very pages. You've seen it. You just think it's incorrect. That the cartographer has got his East and West mixed up.



Nothing wrong with the map, but hey, get yourself a GPS. It will give you the exact same directions.



When you decide to follow them is the only pertinent question, and I think that time may be way closer than you presently think.



Tread your own path.

I completely understand what you are saying. I have 24 years, and no kids, BUT we do have other things...like our business and his 100% knowledge of my health needs and care, and more. I can't leave all that. People see how depressed I am and try to tell me to move on, but what they don't understand is that he is not the cause for my depression, and leaving would just make it worse, not better.

Change is hard. Risk is harder.



But as I said in another post, wanting to be needed is very different from needing to be WANTED.



My own seesaw is tipping. I like stability, but I'm missing out on the joy, the real joy of wanting someone who wants me back.

I am 14 years into my marriage, and for the majority of it has been sexless. We have twin girls 9, and a son 8. I have thought about leaving, but I am my families glue. I basically stay for the kids. My wife will not allow me anything outside of marriage. I am not even talking sex, just to feel anothers arms around me.

I understand why you don't want to leave everything behind. As you continue to think about your situation and what your options are, you will certainly come up with some answers. They may not come as quickly as you'd like, but things will become clearer for you.

Sorry...am living in the same situation...Minus children. I can feel your pain literally.

I know I'll have to leave as I am slowly dying each day . I am still standing but I know that it is only by the Grace of God. I keep so busy to try to keep my mind off my painful environment.

Workout & run 2+ hours a day , self employed so I can be a workaholic & try to go out of town on business .

I wrote a couple of stories on this site maybe they will give you some food for thought.

I , like you was concerned with sharing my story but people have been so good at listening. No

judgement just support & encouragement. There are no right or wrong answers. My father taught me about offering charitable judgement & one of his saying ( only the person that is carrying the suit case knows what is in it )

I decided that when I am on my death bed I won't have regrets about what I did but I will be thinking & regretting on the things I could have done ddn't. I have crossedvever T and toted every I & like a Mexican Novela there are no survivors in my case.

This is a very difficult decision ...has counseling been considered. On my end counseling wouldn't have worked.

God give you strength & His wisdom

Blessings

Hi Dante (nice literary name)



I'm coming up 25 years too. And have a great family life - love my family life with my H. But the sexlessness is getting to me and I'm faced with those same choices - terrified of throwing away something I have spent my adult life building up. I never thought sex would start to loom so large in my mind - it nags away at me. It isn't 'logical' and my husband thinks I am mad to have 'jeopardised' (his word) everything we have work to achieve because I slept with someone else. I keep hoping the feelings will go away but I also gaze into the future with great fear. Can only support, not advise.

Foster care veteran here too DB2. And I'm out. Yes you have more time and investment in your marriage than I did. But vaguest is right as usual.



You and I know better than most that while uncomfortable it is possible to start over with nothing but what's on your back and survive. It's probable that the next place you end up will be better than the last. We survive and sometimes even thrive. Right now you are living in the dysfunctional foster home, holding tightly to its dysfunction because its better than having nowhere to go. But after two moves you found a family where you learned to thrive.



Seems to me this is a repeat of an early childhood experience for you. Don't discount your ability to thrive through resilience. You've got more of it than you give yourself credit for.

Very sorry for you loss and your lonely childhood.

As you mentioned you have done this before, I am sure at that age you thought no one would take you and that you would never be settled in to a loving home, but you did.

You think you won't be happy ever again but you will.

Thanks to my parents I have lived my life like this, 8 years in italy, 6 years in canada, 9 years Italy and now 12 years in Canada. I have gained and lost people all my life, I can't be bothered to make friends anymore.

I have lost everyone "but" my belongings 4 times, and I hate to move now, but I wont settle because of fear, I want more.

You can do this, and your children deserve to be in a loving home and with 2 happy parents, you can be happy again.

You can do this, and so can I.

Sometimes you stay for all the reason you said, you have spent 25 years building a family, don't walk away, but also find someone who can share that personal relationship with you that's missing, sex, we need it and it makes us feel good. I say that because I am also in a sexless relationship and haven't done anything about it. It's been 24 years for me. But I am learning to enjoy my sexually and hopefully will find someone to share that part of my life with. Congrats on tweny-five years.

It seems to me that you have lost a lot in your life. It is apparent that you bounce back and respond well to adversity. I am sure that would be the case should your marriage take a nose dive. The difference was that in your childhood you were forced to make the change, now it is your choice. It is liberating to have choices.

You're waking up, the genie aint going back in the bottle. You are very right to reserve the right to change your mind.



You say you couldn't go on down the road with 2 shopping bags. I say you already have in your life, so you are battle-shopping bag tested. 'Aint saying you should or will, but I def take exception with 'can't'.



Keep posting. Your life is changing whether you want it to or not. Get clear headed, strong, and out front of events that are coming your way.



If some nice woman here wrote you here in support of your posts, you'd write back, right?



And I'm going to make a crazy guess that you're wife does not know you're posting here -true?



So already, the game has shifted. You're exhausted, not resigned. Gonna be a bumpy year for you -maybe even a transformative one.