I Don't Live In A Sexless Marriage...

I don't live in ANY marriage.  My husband died fourteen years ago, at the age of thirty-nine.  I was thirty-seven at that time.  Now, I'm fifty-one.  I haven't remarried.  I've had one LTR with a guy who didn't treat me well and was really no good.

It kills me to read all of the stories from people who are ready to leave their marriages because their spouses don't want to have sex with them.  It kills me because I'd love to have a marriage and all of the love and companionship that comes with it, and I wouldn't give a hoot if there was no sex involved.  I had sex with my husband because it made him happy, and I wanted children, but it was never a big deal to me.  If he were ONLY still alive, I wouldn't care if he had become impotent and I wouldn't care if he just stopped wanting sex, just to have him back.

I don't understand why such a big deal is made out of sex, and it hurts to see people ready to throw away what they have, what they have that I dearly want, just because they are not getting sex.  I just don't get it!  I don't get it!  Any woman out there, if you are ready to leave your husband because he won't have sex with you, send him my way!  He will receive a warm welcome and be happily accepted for what he is!  Thank you.

I would like to add that I thank everyone who has expressed condolences on the loss of my husband.
queenv60 queenv60
51-55, F
33 Responses May 30, 2012

Wow! I missed this post initially! If I had any sense I'd go straight on past it now . . . !<br />
Queenv, your marriage appears to have been a happy one and you have my sympathy at the tragic early loss of your husband.<br />
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I am interested to know if your husband ever knew that you really weren't into sex very much and that you only had sex to please him. I ask because this is very important aspect that many who are not interested in sex do not ever realise is missing . . . <br />
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I'll explain what I mean. I am not interested in mountain climbing. Nor am I more than mildly interested in Scottish Country dancing. And I could not care less if I never ate another artichoke. And I would actually prefer to never eat another Brussel Sprout.<br />
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And I can CHOOSE to avoid these things or to not take part, because my choices affect only ME! My partner likes Brussel Sprouts. I cook them for him, and I have peas instead . . . . <br />
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But SEX is another matter. If I choose to not have sex, it does NOT only affect me. It affects the person I gave myself to in marriage. I'm deciding for him (or her) that he (or she) may never have sex again. Does that not strike you as unfair?<br />
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Now you are not very interested in sex and can live without it. At the risk of offending you, I suggest you have NO real idea of the true depth of a sexually intimate relationship. What we on this forum miss is NOT just the mechanics of sex, but the deep and soul connecting experience that genuinely great sex provides. <br />
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If you participated in sex to keep your husband happy, you deserve recognition for being a good wife. But it seems likely you never experienced the depth of connection or the genuine pleasure and intense intimacy that can be the gift shared by two people equally "into" sex with each other.<br />
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As such, it seems to me that you cannot understand us because you have NO idea what we are talking about. You cannot imagine what we are missing because you have never experienced it to miss. . . . <br />
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This is why I ask you about your husband. Did he ever voice any concern about your lack of enthusiasm? Was he ever disappointed that you were not "into" sex? Or was he just like you?<br />
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There is nothing "wrong" with being only slightly interested in sex - or not interested in sex - PROVIDING your partner feels the same way. Sadly, people such as you may never know what they are missing. . . . <br />
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The essential difference between you and the rest of us here is that you have no understanding of what we are talking about. And if you DO understand, you cannot relate to it. It would be like me listening to avid mountain climbers who are trying to convince me to join them in their assault on Mt Everest. I could hear about it. I could try and understand that THEY thought it was a great idea. But I could never understand really why anyone would acually WANT to do it, or DREAM about it, or YEARN for it . . . ,.<br />
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Now I have NO right to tell mountain climbers that they are risk taking idiots because I don't share their inspiration. (I might even believe this to be true!) But I don't have any right to try and get others to "do as I do" - and not climb mountains.<br />
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The same applies to you. If you are happy as you are (and it seems you are) then that is FINE! But you have no right to tell others how they should - or should not - live their lives.

I sort of wonder -

Where do some get the idea that what is complained about here is "just sex". You see if you use that phrase it rather instantly brands you as a member/possible member of some forums her that have to do with persons that dislike sex...or feel it is unimportant. To others ..."It's just water...or...."it's just air" seem nearly as ridiculous a statement to those that crave a touch, a moment where we do not feel as lonely as she does lying next to our still breathing spouse. For some here the intimacy loss was followed into a sort of grave, bu the love that they thought they had for said spouse. And for those that had a messy divorce - they are equally widow/widower from that result.

I have lost loved one's - I have come as close as anyone here to losing my spouse. I really feel for the OP that she has lost her's - my condolences will not really help her...........

.............But then neither did her (perhaps unintended) implication that those who feel real pain and have suffered a real loss of a relationship - that may not be recoverable - are less than admirable for feeling that way.

SO -

Dear OP -

Let me first say that when speaking verbally I am no where near as clear, and skilled in the use of language as I am here. If I am emotionally involved and that felt is deeply felt - I am even perhaps totally useless at expressing what I feel by speaking. I touch - when it is deeply felt. If it is deep anger I yell and must move about in order to speak at all. If it is deep love and affection - I stroke...I kiss....I hold ....and if it is extraordinary I express that by sexual touch.

By deciding - unilaterally and without discussion - that we are "passed it" my wife has made it impossible for me to express some things to her....she has not made it impossible to express those things to others...but the definitions of the marriage contract forbid such from happening. I have had part of my personality -most close to my heart - denied expression - is this not at least a severely hurtful situation to be placed in. To be sure it is not as permanent as your loss... but it is a loss....and while you can stop and know that your husband is gone...our spouses remain....just completely as out of touch...but tantalizingly close they lie in the same bed with us. As if we are forced to live next to someone that is very much gone like your husband (except they are now like a brother/sister or a room-mate) - save that even though it is perfectly fine for them to be resurrected from this "gone by choice"...they simply are fine with staying as they are.

If my wife has chosen to remove from me that which allows me to say I love you and to receive that in return at anything more deep than that I might feel for a very close friend....and that remains that way for the rest of my life....then not only am I lonely in many ways like you are....but I cannot even seek that from someone that might be willing to give it to me.

I'm sorry it is like this for you.....

Your grief at your husband's death may or may not be sincere but if you just pretended to engage in sex merely as an accommodation and for the sole purpose of child bearing made your marraige a charade. If your husband was aware of your feelings that is one thing. However, if he was not it makes you less the loving wife you purport yourself to be and more the hypocrite. <br />
I fear you will feel that this a rebuke and judgemental and that may be true to some degree but your coming here to make a pronouncement of your life as being the norm and expecting others here to accept it as such is ludicrous.

Response to both zorbas: I engaged in sex not really as an "accommodation". It was because it made my husband happy, and the fact that it made him happy made me happy. Some of the time, it was for childbearing, but since we had only two children during our seventeen year marriage, because two was all we wanted, and there was a planned five year gap between them, and the second one was born eleven years before my husband died, most of the sex we had was definitely not for procreative purposes. My husband was not aware of how I felt about sex. He believed that I got something out of it physically, though I never really did. I disagree that this made my marriage a charade. We were very mutually happy together. He was happy with all aspects of me, he loved me for myself and he enjoyed sex. I loved him for him, and I didn't mind having sex. He never felt it was a charade, I never felt it was a charade, and what we felt is really all that matters. I knew that I was just not that sexual a person, that I would not be with anyone (and this has been proven very true since he died), but that was no reason that either he or I should forgo a marriage that would make us both very happy. There was no reason for me to say, "I will never get married and never have a family because I don't care for sex." No reason for that at all, I knew that I could participate in a sexual marriage and I was more than willing to do it. But I don't claim it's the norm. I never thought it was the norm, I just thought that people should appreciate things about marriage other than sex, it seemed that they were not, but I didn't understand that most of them are complaining about a lot more than that.<br />
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Reply to enna30: It's funny you comparing a lack of sexual desire to climbing Mount Everest, because that's exactly how I feel about it. Many people don't care for many things, so they don't do those things, and nobody insists that they must be unfulfilled because they don't participate in something that they don't care for. I feel the same way about sex. Why must I be unfulfilled because there's something other people enjoy that I just don't enjoy? I agree that it's something I just don't understand. To answer your question, no, my husband never knew that I never got anything physically out of sex. It didn't matter to me, and there was no reason it should matter to me, therefore, there was no reason he should know. It made no difference. We had an active sex life, he was happy with it, and I wasn't unhappy with it. There was just no reason. It did not matter to me. I felt no desire whatsoever to seek sex with someone else, because I felt that I was missing nothing, and I knew that it would be no different with anyone else. We were happy. That's all that mattered. He never showed disappointment at my "lack of enthusiasm" because there WAS no "lack of enthusiasm". I showed plenty of enthusiasm. I just didn't really feel the enthusiasm. But I showed it. He showed no disappointment that I wasn't "into" sex, because I gave every indication that I was "into" sex. I did that for him. He meant that much to me.<br />
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That would not have been true for everyone, and the situation I'm now in proves it. My on-again, off-again relationship is on again. But there's a problem. First off, I do not love this man the way I loved my husband. Secondly, I've noticed since I've gone through menopause that I don't have the tolerance level for sex that I once did. Thirdly, this guy is excessive in his demands. He wants sex every single day, two or three times a day, and will ask for it again twenty minutes after we've done it. I can't take this anymore. I do not have the feeling for him that I did for my husband, so I'm not willing and I'm not able to show enthusiasm I don't feel for him, and so I've told him he needs to go find someone else to have sex with, and I totally and completely mean this, he's cheated on me anyway and I know it and I've cheated on him anyway and he knows it, we've sort of always had an open relationship, so he needs to go find someone else, but he won't do it! Aaaarrggh. Well, thanks for listening, felt good to get that off my chest.