Sexless With My Best FriendMany years ago, I dated off and on "D". We were a fireball of a relationship - always arguing, always loving, nothing was ever half done with us. There was an age gap (7 years) so when I was in college, he was nearing 30. He pushed me to choose to marry then or not at all. I chose to not get married and finish college. I was living off campus in a house with 3 girls so we were a really popular house :-) and B became one of the guys who hung out there. We realized we had alot in common and quickly became friends. A few months later we started hooking up. I can't say we dated..we just started having sex one night. The first couple of weeks were GOOD sex. A month later he asked me to marry him. We were so well connected - didn't argue, didn't have big fights - I thought oh wow, this is how relationships are supposed to be. So I agreed. We didn't marry for 2 years as I still wanted to finish my degree before getting married. Do things right, you know. He also needed to finish school - art major. Should have been my first warning sign. So we get married - let me say first off I never wanted a big wedding but as he was an only child, he felt he owed his mom a traditional wedding. So the wedding turned out to be over 300 people. The night of our wedding he was so drunk, he just sat out on the balcony. No sex my wedding night. Years went by, we changed careers, moved a lot. Through it all we were best friends. I realize now he was separating me from my family and friends - he didn't want to go anywhere without me, didn't want me to go places without him. I was in the early years of my marriage so I thought it was sweet and loving. We both went back to college for 2nd degrees. After finishing he ended up accepting a teaching job near where his parents lived. I wasn't thrilled - I'm not their favorite person which they have made known - but it's what he wanted so I agreed only on the assurance that when we retired, we retired to the coast where my family is from and where I love. So at this point we've both been teaching a few years, the sex was there but it was routine and boring, usually with him asking me as I was cooking dinner if we would be having sex tonight. After being married for eight years we had a son (who's 8 now) and things change as they do for new parents. We went from having sex 1-2x a week to 1-2x a month. At this point, B had found us a house down the road from his parents. Again, not my first choice but I went along with. We were renting but there was alot of space and some woods that went with the house so it was nice. Sex at this point dropped to 1-2x every 2 months. 3 years later B's parents "gave" us some land for our wedding anniversary - right next door to them. Well we built a house that his father felt he had every say so and many arguments errupted from that. Again let me stress that B and I never argued. We from the beginning act so cautiously around each other. So the house was built and we moved in. Sex was still in the 1-2x every 2 months range. Our sex life, when it happened was extremely unremarkable and had been since the first few years. It would take him forever to get hard and then only lasted a few minutes. I spent many nights unsatisfied, crying myself to sleep. He was completely unaware things were wrong on my end. I realize I should have spoken up but having seen the flip side, I wanted to keep things on the status quo. So the November after moving in that January to the new place, we had sex. I remember it specifically because I was ovulating and I prayed I wouldn't get pregnant from that sex encounter as it was so sad and empty. But I did. I had a beautiful little girl (who's now almost 4) but the pregnancy went bad and the delivery was a nightmare - they almost lost both of us 3 times. Since my daughter I can count on my hands how many times we've had sex and during the past 18 months, none at all.
I have now been married to B for 16 years. We have 2 beautiful children and he is a perfect dad. He is a great best friend and everyone is always telling me how lucky I am to have this man as he's so wonderful. But they don't see me going to sleep every night crying because there is no intimacy between us. My family wants me to leave and move back home so that I can surround myself with people who love me, so that I can learn again that I am lovable. I don't want another relationship with someone else but I don't want to be in this one either. He's in therapy now. We've finally had A LOT of long talks. He says he can't live without me but my saddest thing is I know I can live without him. I feel so tired after 16 years. 40 is too young to be this tired. I know you have to work at marriage but should you have to work at loving one another if the other claims that you are all they want?