Ow Of A Man Is A Sl Marriage

I loved reading all of your stories.  Each is reminder of just how important sex and intimacy is to our emotional well being.  My story, however, is a bit different; yet I want to share in the hopes that the group, especially the men in sexless marriages, could provide some insight.

Several months ago I came involved with a man in a sexless marriage.  He has been in that situation for many years.  Of course, my initial question upon learning this was: "Why do you put up with it?"  After all, It is his second marriage, he is financially stable and they don't have children together.   

My sense, having many conversations with him about his situation, is that he married for convenience, fear and stability and it for those qualities he sticks with it.  That said, I can see how the lack of sex and intimacy has hurt his self esteem and confidence.  Like many on this site, I see at times resentment toward the wife, followed by him trying to justify the relationship by focusing on the good things.

Here's the kicker: He sought me out while looking for sex, but we have yet to have intercourse.  We have a highly charged emotional relationship and there's tons of sexual chemistry.  Thus, we do everything but have sex.  Given the intense emotional connection, we both know that sex would be the tipping point, forcing us both really examine the affair and actions.  

As the OW, I realize that any conclusion he makes about himself, the marriage or wife has to come from within, nor can I be his therapist.  Yet, I will say I am bothered when he says things like: "My relationship is great except for this one part" and "I love my wife."   

I am not sure if I buy it.  As I read on this board and agree, withholding sex and affection from a spouse is a form of emotional abuse.  How can you have a happy, fully function marriage without this essential part?  Second, if his relationship is so great, how can you explain our emotional connection and our bond?

Thanks for reading.

ponnye ponnye
8 Responses May 31, 2012

"Here's the kicker: He sought me out while looking for sex, but we have yet to have intercourse." IMHO you can not call this situation an affair yet... It has not been consummated yet... I never heard of people having sexless affair or sexless lover... Do you want to be the first really? I think the guy just uses you as free shrink....

Your guy says he wants sex, but when it is clearly on offer to him, he does not follow through. Sadly I think the comments above have nailed it - HE is the initial Refuser.<br />
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However, it could be (only vague possibility I'm afraid) other things, so I suggest you try this:<br />
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Have a serious talk to him. Tell him how much you enjoy the sexual encounters you are having, but that you would like a complete sexual relationship with him and that involves penetrative sex. LISTEN to his answer / answers.<br />
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These could include:<br />
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"I don't want to be unfaithful to my wife" - which I would place in the same category as Bill Clinton's "I did not have sex with that woman"! Treat it with the scepticism it deserves.<br />
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"I'd like us to get to know each other better / be more deeply in love/ in a better place in our lives (etc. etc.) before we have "real" sex". Which I would call the "Peace in the Middle East" answer - or (for us old hippies) "The moon is in the seventh house" answer. What it means is that there will NEVER be a "right" time, altho he is holding out this excuse as a "promise" that it will happen.<br />
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"It doesn't seem right for me to have sex with you when I cannot ever be with you as a husband or partner." <br />
I would call this the selfless/selfish reply. He "looks" like he is being a "good guy" but in fact it is just an excuse for avoiding sex. If he genuinely had such moral scruples he would not have become involved with you at ANY level beyond surface friendship.<br />
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"What a fantastic offer! I've been waiting and hoping you'd say that!! Let's get it on IMMEDIATELY!!" This answer needs no explanation nd can be taken at face value! If you get this one, ENJOY . . . !!!

I do believe he is in major denial about his situation. On one hand he knows that sex will never happen again in his marriage. And on the other, he's sitting on the sidelines waiting for the wife to rise from the ashes and get her mojo back.

He could be still in love with his wife and in complete denial about his situation. You could be his comfort while he suffers through a sexless marriage and perhaps he enjoys the thrill and attention he gets from you. <br />
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Thats my opinion coming from a man. Because if he just wanted to cheat on his wife he would have fucke..d you by now.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Furstrated1978 and others:

Thank you all for your excellent advice and insight on my situation. I think you all may be correct. Here's the update on my situation.

We text, e-mail all the time and talk a couple times daily. We've been apart for the past two weeks (both traveling). During this time there have been endless "I miss you....can't wait to see you...." etc. However, on the day that we're suppose to get together, one of which his wife will be out of town, those "miss you's" have become, "Well, I don't know how much time I'll have when we meet, etc...." (He has to run home to an empty house, I suppose.)

I wanted to scream: "WTF?" But I stayed calm and flipped the tables, "Well if you don't have much time, maybe we should wait...." He quickly backtracked his statement.

Frustrated1979, I am starting to see as you pointed out that I'm his comfort while he suffers through a sexless marriage, and that he loves the attention I give. In fact, he once mentioned that because of me he's better at work and home.

As for his sexless marriage.....I am starting to wonder if he was the refuser? What role he played?

As for the no sex..... We could debate whether oral sex is sex? Some say it's more intimate. That said, I'm a single woman and will tell you most guys are trying to get me into bed ASAP.

My issue: I've dated a lot and we're highly compatible on many levels, and truly enjoy each other's company. He's intelligent and treats me really well, still, there are issues....

He returns today. I'll see him. I'll call his bluff again. Try to up the ante. But I'm prepared to take steps in my best interest

Thanks again.

Honestly, folks, I don't know how in world you've managed in sexless marriages.

Thanks for all the advice and suggestions. I should clarify. We have oral sex and do other stuff, but haven't had actual intercourse. However, with the help of this board (e.g., Rallacious) I'll be taking steps to "test the waters." Thanks, again.

That is a pretty pivotal bit of info you left out initially ponnye, and it is an indicator that he is likely NOT sexually dysfunctional.

Sorry, bazaar. Honestly, though, I think it's f-up that we haven't actually done "it." Next time I see him I'm going to take your advice. Thanks, again.

He sought you out for sex but you haven't had sex yet - big red flag<br />
He married out of convenience, fear and stability - big red flag<br />
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He is financially stable and there are no children involved but he won't leave his marriage. He is telling you how it is - please LISTEN.<br />
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I am in sexless marriage, but then again so is my stbx. No doubt he is already telling the next woman he is bonding with all about how I refuse him sex (who wouldn't after 4 years of being constantly rejected) and going with the 'nice guy wronged' approach - after all, that's what he did when he met me.<br />
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I hope the above doesn't read like I'm bitter, it's just the truth of my situation and may shed some light on yours. I am currently having fantastic sex with a friend who sought me out for sex and we fvcked on the first night - just sayin...<br />
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Proceed with caution indeed!

Whether he is or isn't the cause of his SM, he IS using sex as a tool of manipulation in this pseudo-affair with you. A signal that even if he isn't the refuser, he's still got sexuality issues, at least for the moment.<br />
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I'd use caution.

Trust your gut. There is something not kosher going on with him, ba<x>sed on the evidence you present in your story.<br />
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If he is intimacy averse, in the purely sexual aspect, then your question - "How can you have a happy, fully function marriage without this essential part?" has an interesting answer. The intimacy averse person CAN have a happy marriage (by their definition of it) without this component. Whether their spouse is terribly thrilled about the matter is, of course, an entirely different matter.<br />
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I think you might have a refuser on your hands here. But unlike a lot of refusers, he "talks the talk" pretty well, and likely enjoys the buzz this provides. But that is where it likely begins and ends.<br />
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What happens from now is down to you. If this following idea is within your capability, think about giving it a go.<br />
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Next time you see him, pre-plan it so there is somewhere you can go, privately. Get him there, and put it on him. "**** me big boy" (or words appropriate to your speaking style) and get your gear off. I suspect that there will be no action.<br />
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However, if he actually delivers, and you DO have a root, and if that DOES provide "a tipping point, forcing us both really examine the affair and actions", that would be no bad thing. Examining relationships and our actions is a good thing to do.<br />
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At this point, don't make any bigger emotional investment here than you already have. It looks very unlikely that dividends are going to be paid.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Let me see if I am following you correctly. You're saying that he might be the cause of his sexless marriage?

Also, are you suggesting that I try to jump start sex? And, if he doesn't bite, it would be an indication that it is him with the intimacy issues?

He tells me his wife has rejected him for years, and given words and actions I do believe it.

Yep. You got it. His missus may well be a counter-refuser. The fact that he is not prepared to do you - though you are apparently hoggin' for it - is a HUGE red flag. And the high minded rationale suppossedly behind it is as credible as the "no sex before marriage" school of switch and bait.

that should read "bait and switch"

Sorry, me again. There was a story earlier today called "Questions From A Mistress. Have a read of it.

That's exactly what Baz is telling you. Shifting blame is move #641 in the Refusers Playbook. Someone talked to me near the end of my SM about how my refuser told her that he couldn't take it anymore, that he was tired of going to bed crying, that we hadn't had sex in nearly a year (true). She suggested that I could give in to such a "sweet man", and it would be allright.

I shocked her when I told her that I'd been begging and pleading and bargaining for it for years. When I'd bargain for it, I usually wouldn't get it then either.

You may be hearing the same kind of thing as this woman did from my XH. Heck, he might have been trying to groom her to "take pitty on him" because he was in a SM!

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