No Idea How To Respond...

My W wrote the following note to me this morning and I do not know how to respond to it. She makes it sound as if she is seriously attracted but there is no sex. So I would like to know how you men and women of ILIASM would respond if you received this:

"I would like to start by telling you the things I find attractive about you. They may not be mind blowing to others but they are fascinating to me. I like your skin color, I love when you are deep in thought and you don't realize anybody is looking thats when you are most innocent. Sometimes its not the things thats said, its all about the things thats done. I have to admit that I was not a real fan of the hair at first because I like you when your hair is cut and your close shaven. I like putting my hands on your face and feeling those hairs against mine. I like laying against your chest and feeling your heart beating, it makes me think that our hearts are beating together. Its little things like that that makes me feel all warm and cozy and want to be in your arms. If it leads to other pleasures Im okay with that, but I love you and want to be near you. I felt your hands on my back and neck and butt last night, that is the most comforting touch. However I know when the touches are made in frustration and not tenderness. I love you regardless but your tender touch feels so much better.

I love you and want to become closer to you. Come closer to me"

For the record, I AM frustrated because though I do all the things she mentioned, she still rejects me everytime I bring up sex. So tell me ILIASM fam. How would you all respond to this?
NMBtruth1 NMBtruth1 41-45, M 33 Responses May 31, 2012

Your Response


I feel I could easily have been the one to received this letter. God, I feel down

Maybe she feels uncomfortable talking about sex . I know many people who say these kinda things but the conversation of sex makes them a little uncomfortable in their skin.

I think it was a nice note, but it says more about her than you.

To me, it sounds like she likes the emotional intimacy and the romance (cuddling, kisses, touches, etc) but perhaps she just doesn't feel like having sex.

Is she going through menopause? When did you notice a decrease in sex or her interest in it?

Sometimes, people (women, especially) go through periods where they inexplicably lack a sex drive. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you, even though you are affected by it. She may be stressed, hormonal, may be feeling insecure about herself, or she could be on a medicine in which a side effect is decreased libido. (Antidepressants, birth control, alcohol..etc...all these can affect libido).

It sounds like she loves you and maybe her writing this note was a way to tell you how she feels because she hasn't been "showing" you by having sex (?)

Let me ask you: do you feel like there is still romance between you or is it more like roommates/friends? Before writing this letter to you, did she show affection like she did in the note?

Also, I do not know what your sex life was like before, or if there was one, so it's hard to compare to how she may have been before.

Anyways, here is my humble suggestion: Talk to her.

If you feel uncomfortable talking to her, write her a note back and explain your feelings. How you love her and all those things she mentioned too, but it hurts you and makes you feel bad when she does not want to have sex with you. Be totally honest about your feelings. That way, you know you have told her how you feel.

And i say this almost all my posts to people, but have you considered marriage counseling? Sometimes, it is easier for people to be completely honest when talking to an outside person as opposed to just one on one with each other.

First of all, I'm impressed... we all write personal things here, but that is intimate in a very fundamental way. Second, I am seething with anger. Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I just don't care. The gall of that woman - on one hand saying she wants you (even though she refuses sex consistently); then, at the same time, saying she dislikes you touching her out of frustration? What the hell does she expect? You are trying. She knows you're frustrated because she has made you that way. ****!

Perhaps the answer to this is to write another letter back responding to this you do these things and how she responds. Two can play the game, and maybe answers can be found through the responses of each others letters.I wish you luck, I have found words are cheap if not backed up with actions.

A letter like this is written when the refuser is certain the other spouse is about to bolt and run. It isn't done to let someone know how they feel, it is used to keep them hooked so they can continue to live the life they have been accustomed to under the terms THEY require without care or feeling for their spouse.

It's just another in a long line of cruel tactics they use. It's based on their fear of losing their cushy life not on a love or desire for their spouse.

In other words........another line of BS.

After reading. Then re-reading. Then going through all the comments with a fine tooth-comb. Thank you, Destiny, you *****.

I just wanna know one thing....

can we make this a sticky?

There is something odd about your wife's letter - it is so cheesy, so over the top, almost 'fake'.

In a nutshell, she loves it when you touch her neck, back and butt in a non-sexual way, it makes her all warm and cozy, and your touch is so comforting to her.

But when you touch / caress her in a sexual way (and she can sense that you are sexually frustated), she does not enjoy that kind of touch as much.

She wants you to touch her (without the expectation of sex) more often so that she can feel closer / emotionally connected to you, and if you do that more often, it may lead to other pleasures.

It seemed to me that she is stating what you need to do in order to have sex with her.

Her letter smells like desperation.

Here is how I would have responded (and I'm serious)

Dear wife,

I loved your letter. I can't tell you how touched I am by these things you notice and love about me. It shows me that you do still love me, at least a little and in some strange way I will never understand. My wish, my dream, which I seldom express, is this: I love you so much that it physically pains me when we can't be close. Feeling you turn away from me when I reach for your touch feels like the world is being torn away from me, you are all I want. I am sorry if you sense frustration...that frustration simply comes from your denial of my affections. Most often I feel like you simply do not love me, because, for me, love and physical intimacy go hand in hand. I wish I knew how to make you desire me, but I do not. I wish I knew the way you wanted me to touch you, or who I needed to be to gain your affections. I am right here. All you have to do is tell me.

Sincerely in love with you,


And....I also would not hold my hat waiting for her to come around.

P.S. By 'being close' I mean real close. My penis in your vagina. Can't get any closer than that.

Honestly? reading her note gave me the heebie-jeebies. Something is way off here. It reads like sci-fi, where an asexual alien under cover as your wife, tries to emulate human affection, poorly.

I just thought of a great response!

Sing to her! You can do it!!!

" Lie-bidooby-doo, I love you too-ooo! "

after reading these comments. I have a smoke and think..It's not lyrics to some stupid song is it? What appears to me is the things she describes. the skin, the heart beating. the close shave, the touching.. a

the should be happening when you first meet.. You two are beyond that. So now the fun begins. it's call bonding and it's fun. So have fun.

I will offer you gifts and praise if you change your avatar picture.

And what does she think is causing your frustration?! Oh my gosh! She sounds like she wants a dog not a husband.......

My response to this...

Silence. You're done. Don't encourage her debasement or she'll fling it back at you later.

Silence. She might make the same mistake many of them make and take it for acquiescence.

These ploys at the end of such a long road are so hollow. It's like you're backstage at the puppet show and you can see them trying to pull your strings and make you dance to their tune.

Princess SeeClearly

Wow, I was about to write to everyone to lighten up - that she took a chance in opening like that - giving you the instructions in. I'm looking at that stuff - my wife could have written that - has said it many times in one form or another. I know it rote, but it doesn't seem to matter. My own thinking on that has been challenged by the talkbacks here, and now I'm looking to my own bed.

Use this disadvantage to your advantage. I highly recommend that you play stupid. Let her believe that you are still a sucker.

If you are seriously planning your exit, this mind-******* letter may be your pathway towards figuring out how to keep her believing that her life will not change.

You have to learn to play by the refuser's playbook. That is what I am doing.

However, this a serious departure from her normal self. That should be suspect. You also have to consider whether she is actively planning her exit too. This may be the most intelligent way your wife can think of fooling you into thinking that your life will get better. Her lawyer may have told her to write something stupid like that.

Choose your own adventure!!

Maybe she wrote that to someone else & you received it by mistake ...I feel your pain


Your run of stories tells a tale of wild oscillation between one extreme and another. By both of you.

I'd be that giddy by now I'd do just about anything to get off this wild ride and get a bit of certainty into my life.

Leaving would do that.

Tread your own path.

I'd call her on the incredibly obvious lie here: "If it leads to other pleasures Im okay with that..." since, if that were true, you wouldn't be posting here in the first damned place.

Wow she is good real good. This little effort is straight from the book of Master Manipulators 101. Because thats what she is doing manipulating you.

I'll break it down for you. She knows you are frustrated and your patience is probably wearing thin. So to keep you off her back for a while and buy her more time she writes up this little effort to keep you thinking and distracted on what you need to do in order to supposedly get some. Brother you ain't getting any even if you performed Saint like Miracles. See it for what it is. Bullshit stalling tactics. An absolute mind fuc..k letter.

Now how to deal with it. Simply ignore it. If she brings it up tell her that you dont believe any of it and can quite easily make up a list of your own on what she needs to do to please you or else.

I would suggest you start to hold her to account for her actions. You cant control her not wanting to sleep with you but you sure as hell can control whether or not you put up with her bad behavour.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

"...the things I find attractive about you. They may not be mind blowing to others but they are fascinating to me."

Refuser translation: you're just lucky I find you attractive; no one else will.

This belongs in the ILIASM archives under the Golden Mind-***** section.

You need to be hit with the caveman's club, brother! God wired us such that we can know the truth without the need for language. Remember that necessary truth.

I read it like she needs the emotional connection first. She is actually telling you that she is Ok with anything as long as you reinforce your bond. She obviously for one reason or another, feels like you are not close enough to her. I think you both need to take a romantic weekend away, relax and talk about how to " come closer" to each other.

It’s a nice note … until you get to the latter part, then it becomes dishonest in that it does not track with her behavior toward you. I really do NOT like these 2 statements …

“However I know when the touches are made in frustration and not tenderness.” Really? How does she know, is she a mind-reader?

“Come closer to me” Didn’t you try that already? Yes, and you were rejected.

It is time for HER to stop writing notes and take action. I don't know what the best response would be ... maybe "Thank you and I'm glad you like my skin"?

On second thought … forget about my suggested response. I think that was my frustration with disingenuous refuser code-speak talking.

Maybe it should be Thanks for liking my skin as he's walking out the door.

Here's my raw translation:

- Shave.

- I want you to cuddle with me, but don't grope me.

- A little touch is OK, but don't think that it will lead to sex.

- If I feel like we're connected emotionally, that might eventually lead to sex.

Hmm... I'm not sure what to make of that. At least she's communicating. That's a real good sign. How about if you write a note back and let her know how much you appreciate her, and what qualities you find attractive. Who knows where it might lead.

Outsource your needs.

She took a chance writing that - don't burn her. Tell her you love her.

I see scary stuff in there from my life -- the dislocation of sexual intimacy that you need from the emotional intimacy that she loves. You will have to work hard together to make that connection with a good heart. I agree that professional help - can help.

Be sure to let her feel your heart at night. Shave - :)

Your skin colour is the first thing which came to her mind? Really? That's the first thing she finds attractive about you?

If your touch leads to more she would be 'ok with that'? Just 'ok'? What about 'her' actually wanting more?

She felt your hands on her back, etc. last night and enjoyed it, but why didn't she respond? Why didn't she tenderly touch you back?

At least she wrote you a letter to try to express her feelings, but even so, It sounds like her concept of Love is immature and selfish; like she doesn't equate sexual intimacy with expressing deep love.

I mean, it's nice that she enjoys feeling your two hearts beating together, but beating together with the same rejoice, the same values, the same excitement and shared tenderness in sexual intimacy would make the beating of them together truly special.

It sounds like she may have a low sex drive and thinks that her need to touch and cuddlle with you if satisfied could turn into sex but just not enough for you. Ask yourself if the cuddling is enough while you get a sex therapist. It sounds like she loves you but its important to work on this now before your frustation damages your relationship too much. Good luck, I've been having same kinds of issues with my love.