I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Like So Many Before Me ..........

By: LadyGem0618

Written on June 3rd, 2012

Like so many of the experiences I have read lately, I can take a piece of each story to create my own experiences in this so call, sexless marriage. I suppose if it were just about the sex, I could truly deal with it all, but it's just not all about the sex anymore. My exhistance has almost come to a halt. In order for me to have any contact with my husband, I do believe I would need to jump off a bridge. Everything is centered around him. He is the only one that can have a bad day at work. He is the only one that needs to be babied on a daily basis. He is the only one that is always right. I have come to a point in my life, that I no longer listen when he speaks. I can look directly into his eyes, but yet not hear one word that comes out of his mouth. I have programmed myself to just move from one day to the next. There have been times, when he's been upset, that he can totally ignore me. He can go 5 to 7 days without speaking a word and walking around the house like I am part of the furniture. All of this, to get attention. To ge me to bend and do more for him. I use to, but now, I have chosen that I am a human being and if he can't treat me with some respect and speak with me when things bother him then I will just continue on as if nothing is wrong. This, of course, only ****** him off more, but at least I am no longer the silent sufferer. I understand that being an only child, he always had his ways, or received what he wanted, but I was 1 of 3 children growing up and never expected to have everything handed to me on a platter.

We have now been together 14 years, married for 10 and have had no intimacy for the last 10 years. Prior to our marriage, I could not have asked for a better lover. Attentive, both mentally and physically, compassionate, caring, just the perfect person. How and why things changed the moment I said I do is far beyond what I can comprehend. What makes a person go from point a to point z in 2.3 seconds is a mystery to me. I didn't change from Friday to Saturday, except now we had a piece of paper between us that stated we were husband and wife. Could this make the difference on how a man can change so quickly? I have tried, I have read, I have researched, I have tried talking, listening, watching and much to my chagrin, nothing. I have recently gone through the phase of counseling, alone I might add, because his reasoning is that there is no problem. I had totally shut down. At a time and point in my life, that I should be enjoying life, I am instead, sitting here and starting to put together an exit plan. I cannot continue to go through life being rejected, unhappy, sad, lonely, and the list could go on and on and on. I can no longer try to justify holding this marriage together on my own. Yes, I will end up losing and starting all over again, but I would rather have nothing then to continue this ... this .... I don't even know what to call it. The future has to be better .... it certainly cannot be any worse.

By: LadyGem0618

Age: 51-55 , Female

391 people have read this story

Email:

Username:

Password:

Birthday:

By clicking "Post", you confirm that you agree to the Terms of Service of Experience Project, Inc.

25 responses

genguy

I'm confused....Most likely more than YOU! IF things changed that fast ..RIGHT after the ink was dry WHY did you not start your exit plan?? Of course...None of us lived your life so it's hard to understand EXACTLY what happened here...SOUNDS like bait and switch...But 4 years is a long time to be putting up a charade just to get a marriage license in your dresser drawer. Getting out seems to be the BEST thing you can do....

Jun 3, 2012
2 likes
- LadyGem0618
  Like so many, I thought it was just the stress of things going on with work, building a new house, and I thought this would pass .... after years of the same, is when I started questioning .. is it me? what am I doing wrong, what can I do better, what can I change, what can I do .... the guilt, the depression, and trying to hold it all together. Little signs along the way should have been picked up, but I was too busy trying to make my marriage work. Why did I fail? Where did I fail? It changed from him not wanting to have anything to do with me, to, me thinking it was all me .... We do what we have to do to get through one more day in the hopes that things will change. I hate failure so I tried to make things work. I am at a point now, that I can no longer find something that I have done when I have been more then accomodating to all his needs, wants, and expectations. I finally figured out that it is not ME ....
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
- genguy
  I RESPECT your journey... : ) Soon you will find out who ALL of your true friends are....Even in your family..BE STRONG!!
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
cassandrina

I do feel for you.Being in a relationship that seems to go nowhere and having to be in a totally shut-off mode after years of attempting to salvage situations.It's never easy to accept life in a lonely and somewhat meaningless union.But you are not alone.Looks like it's common nowadays to live in marriages that seems more like leading single lives.I think if we channel our thoughts to happier stuffs, nice hobbies and just live a day at a time, life can still be bearable.Whatever it is, just be glad we are not alone as we can see from this site.:)

Jun 3, 2012
2 likes
bazzar

Soon, when your exit plan comes together and is in do-able shape, you are going to settle your pain bill. You'll do this by leaving the pain causing environment. And you'll move on to the next phase of your life.

Then (though this is nothing at all to do with you any more) he at last gets HIS pain bill. The one he ran up, but let you pay for all those years.

LadyGem, in this process, it is the "recognising the marriage is ******" stage that takes the longest. The "Knowing you have to get out" stage usually doesn't take that long, then the "Getting out" stage takes an even shorter period.

You are closer to 'better days' than you might think.

Tread your own path.

Jun 3, 2012
5 likes
Shamus9

I feel your pain Do you have children no one should have to endure what you have Although an exit plan will not be fun once you are away from him you can reinvent yourself in so many ways

Jun 3, 2012
1 like
- LadyGem0618
  My daughters are grown and living on their own. He has a daughter as well that I think of as my own ... we get along well and even she's told me, that I put up with way too much. All the girls get along well, and I'm sure their friendship will continue whether I am with him or not but his idea of family and mine are totally different and perhaps that's due to him being an only child, I'm not sure. I never believed in step children. If you are with a person that has children, you accept him and them, but he is not like that .... to him, the two families should never mesh ... I have to begin to think of my future and the few years that I still have on this earth .... I want them to be enjoyable, and memorable. I don't want to continue the hurting, the loneliness, the sadness. There has to be better.
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
- Shamus9
  There is better You need to find away to make it. better
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
- LadyGem0618
  Small steps and steps that move me forward .... it will get there ... one day ... in the future.
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
- MissLee
  Yes, small steps. Baby steps if needed.
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
1 More Reply
paxetlux

" Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,

And smile, smile, smile"

Give him something to grieve, like your total and permanent absence. Then nothing will be your fault any more or everything will be your fault, but what will you care?

It sounds as if he has never left his childhood and the included petulance behind. I guess the advantage is that around the time the rest of us are supposed to be regressing into our second childhood as decrepitude sets in he won't notice any difference.

Jun 3, 2012
2 likes
- LadyGem0618
  I am not a demanding type of person. I work outside of the home, I contribute, I do all the housework, cooking etc etc, I don't ask for a single thing except communicate with me ... tell me, show me, yet I am asking for too much. Life has to be better on the other side. I am tired of blaming myself constantly or trying to figure out different ways to be able to reach a part of him and I have not been successful so far.
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
abbymay26

Yea you cetaintly describe my relationship. Lately we've been having more sex, but its pointless, I can not climax...EVER..So I am left feeling very I complete and used while he's content and happy. He says I wish I could do more for you, but what? And me being the coward say nothing its fine! When I should be saying what I want (oral,stimulation. Whatever) instead I just bottle it up and hope for it to get better next time. Which it never does. If I can tell everyone else such good advice, then why can't I take it. This sex problem we're having is driving me nuts. I want to feel good too! Not used, and still horny! Lol

Jun 3, 2012
2 likes
- Shamus9
  Can I help you with the horny problem sorry I couldn't resist
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
ulae

In your first para you sound very similar to my wife. (You should take that as a compliment.) She also pays no attention when I speak. The difference is that I have learnt to hardly ever speak about me or my needs. It's usually about the baby or the household or her. So, when she does not pay attention, she usually ends up paying. This has become so addictive for me that, if I fall ill, I'd probably collapse first before requesting her to waive some household work. All this isn't as off-topic as one might think. If only your spouse started behaving like me...

Oh, and the future can always be far worse than today, or the day before. Never lose faith in that possibility.

Jun 3, 2012
2 likes
- LadyGem0618
  I have come to pay no attention ... there is a difference. I use to do everything he asked of me in the past. Every time I tried to say something, it was never heard. I have taken the same aspect to listening as he does. As the saying goes ...if it's good for you, it's good for me. I have told him things in the past, only to have repeat myself 4, 5, and even 6 times ... the exact same thing. There goes a time when a toddler would understand what you are telling them ... to this day, in 15 years, he has never once asked me, How was your day ?? Not once ...... so yes, I am NOW at the stage where I no longer listen ....
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
maryryan

Welcome....we're sorry you have to be here. I am certain that you will find support here as you transition to this new phase of your life. Check out CarinKimberley's story..and be sure to read all of her stories, not just the success, because the path she took to get to where she is is even more important than where and how she ended up; this is true for everyone who has left and has generously stayed around to share their tale.

Best wishes to you...

-MR

Jun 3, 2012
2 likes
- LadyGem0618
  Thank you -MR for the suggestion. I will take the time to read CarinKimberley's story.
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
GibbySan

Since you asked the question, my opinion is that you ended up marrying someone with a personality disorder.

That explains the baffling turnaround he performed that has left you scratching your head. It explains his utter selfishness. His saying there is no problem. That "everything is centered around him".

He pretended to be your dream man, and when the ring was on he no longer had to put on an act for you.

You might want to do a search on personality disorders, just to know what you are dealing with. Either way, it's good you are no longer going to accept his treatment of you.

Pity the next woman who falls for his act.

Jun 3, 2012
5 likes
- LadyGem0618
  According to him, and it's been said to me, over and over and over again, women fall at his feet all the time ..... I am now ready to step aside and let someone else see if they can do for him what I haven't been able to do for him the last 15 years and see how happy he is with that woman .... my blessings to the next one.
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
- GibbySan
  "Women fall at my feet all the time."
  Spoken like a true narcissist.
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
- MissLee
  Good for you. I hope you'll post about your journey periodically, because it will be interesting to see how he reacts. I applaud your determination.
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
88ElmiraSt

And the amazing thing is he will be shocked and baffled when you tell him it's over. He never wanted a wife. He wanted to still be the only child, and it sounds like he pulled it off. He won't cry and beg because he wants to keep you. He'll cry and beg because he wants to keep the arrangement.

Jun 3, 2012
4 likes
- LadyGem0618
  I truly don't think it will bother him at all. According to his ramblings, there are woman out there that will do 'everything for him'. I guess working, cleaning, cooking, laundry, ironing, bringing him his dinner plates on a tray, dropping off dry cleaning, picking up, taking care of just about everything, with not a minute to myself is not doing enough .... I sometimes think that this is what he wants ... to be alone. I just don't know anymore ... I've spent so much time thinking about this, that I think I have come to a point where I over anylyzed everything. Nothing makes sense anymore.
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like
- 88ElmiraSt
  Maybe if he finds this imaginary Mother/Wife he won't put up a fight. I hope so for your sake. Immature refusing husbands who dig in their heels when the wife wants to leave have caused endless misery for women trying to break free. You've probably analyzed enough. You know what he is and what he is doing to you. If you ever need motivation, remember him gloatimg right in your face that if you don't like being his mother he can find someone who does. Shows what he thinks of you.
  
  Jun 3, 2012
  1 like

Your Response