Like So Many Before Me ..........

Like so many of the experiences I have read lately, I can take a piece of each story to create my own experiences in this so call, sexless marriage. I suppose if it were just about the sex, I could truly deal with it all, but it's just not all about the sex anymore. My exhistance has almost come to a halt. In order for me to have any contact with my husband, I do believe I would need to jump off a bridge. Everything is centered around him. He is the only one that can have a bad day at work. He is the only one that needs to be babied on a daily basis. He is the only one that is always right. I have come to a point in my life, that I no longer listen when he speaks. I can look directly into his eyes, but yet not hear one word that comes out of his mouth. I have programmed myself to just move from one day to the next. There have been times, when he's been upset, that he can totally ignore me. He can go 5 to 7 days without speaking a word and walking around the house like I am part of the furniture. All of this, to get attention. To ge me to bend and do more for him. I use to, but now, I have chosen that I am a human being and if he can't treat me with some respect and speak with me when things bother him then I will just continue on as if nothing is wrong. This, of course, only ****** him off more, but at least I am no longer the silent sufferer. I understand that being an only child, he always had his ways, or received what he wanted, but I was 1 of 3 children growing up and never expected to have everything handed to me on a platter.

We have now been together 14 years, married for 10 and have had no intimacy for the last 10 years. Prior to our marriage, I could not have asked for a better lover. Attentive, both mentally and physically, compassionate, caring, just the perfect person. How and why things changed the moment I said I do is far beyond what I can comprehend. What makes a person go from point a to point z in 2.3 seconds is a mystery to me. I didn't change from Friday to Saturday, except now we had a piece of paper between us that stated we were husband and wife. Could this make the difference on how a man can change so quickly? I have tried, I have read, I have researched, I have tried talking, listening, watching and much to my chagrin, nothing. I have recently gone through the phase of counseling, alone I might add, because his reasoning is that there is no problem. I had totally shut down. At a time and point in my life, that I should be enjoying life, I am instead, sitting here and starting to put together an exit plan. I cannot continue to go through life being rejected, unhappy, sad, lonely, and the list could go on and on and on. I can no longer try to justify holding this marriage together on my own. Yes, I will end up losing and starting all over again, but I would rather have nothing then to continue this ... this .... I don't even know what to call it. The future has to be better .... it certainly cannot be any worse.
LadyGem0618 LadyGem0618
51-55, F
7 Responses Jun 3, 2012

I do feel for you.Being in a relationship that seems to go nowhere and having to be in a totally shut-off mode after years of attempting to salvage situations.It's never easy to accept life in a lonely and somewhat meaningless union.But you are not alone.Looks like it's common nowadays to live in marriages that seems more like leading single lives.I think if we channel our thoughts to happier stuffs, nice hobbies and just live a day at a time, life can still be bearable.Whatever it is, just be glad we are not alone as we can see from this site.:)

Soon, when your exit plan comes together and is in do-able shape, you are going to settle your pain bill. You'll do this by leaving the pain causing environment. And you'll move on to the next phase of your life.<br />
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Then (though this is nothing at all to do with you any more) he at last gets HIS pain bill. The one he ran up, but let you pay for all those years.<br />
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LadyGem, in this process, it is the "recognising the marriage is ******" stage that takes the longest. The "Knowing you have to get out" stage usually doesn't take that long, then the "Getting out" stage takes an even shorter period.<br />
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You are closer to 'better days' than you might think.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I feel your pain Do you have children no one should have to endure what you have Although an exit plan will not be fun once you are away from him you can reinvent yourself in so many ways

My daughters are grown and living on their own. He has a daughter as well that I think of as my own ... we get along well and even she's told me, that I put up with way too much. All the girls get along well, and I'm sure their friendship will continue whether I am with him or not but his idea of family and mine are totally different and perhaps that's due to him being an only child, I'm not sure. I never believed in step children. If you are with a person that has children, you accept him and them, but he is not like that .... to him, the two families should never mesh ... I have to begin to think of my future and the few years that I still have on this earth .... I want them to be enjoyable, and memorable. I don't want to continue the hurting, the loneliness, the sadness. There has to be better.

There is better You need to find away to make it. better

Small steps and steps that move me forward .... it will get there ... one day ... in the future.

Yes, small steps. Baby steps if needed.

1 More Response

" Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,<br />
And smile, smile, smile"<br />
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Give him something to grieve, like your total and permanent absence. Then nothing will be your fault any more or everything will be your fault, but what will you care?<br />
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It sounds as if he has never left his childhood and the included petulance behind. I guess the advantage is that around the time the rest of us are supposed to be regressing into our second childhood as decrepitude sets in he won't notice any difference.

I am not a demanding type of person. I work outside of the home, I contribute, I do all the housework, cooking etc etc, I don't ask for a single thing except communicate with me ... tell me, show me, yet I am asking for too much. Life has to be better on the other side. I am tired of blaming myself constantly or trying to figure out different ways to be able to reach a part of him and I have not been successful so far.

Yea you cetaintly describe my relationship. Lately we've been having more sex, but its pointless, I can not climax...EVER..So I am left feeling very I complete and used while he's content and happy. He says I wish I could do more for you, but what? And me being the coward say nothing its fine! When I should be saying what I want (oral,stimulation. Whatever) instead I just bottle it up and hope for it to get better next time. Which it never does. If I can tell everyone else such good advice, then why can't I take it. This sex problem we're having is driving me nuts. I want to feel good too! Not used, and still horny! Lol

Can I help you with the horny problem sorry I couldn't resist

In your first para you sound very similar to my wife. (You should take that as a compliment.) She also pays no attention when I speak. The difference is that I have learnt to hardly ever speak about me or my needs. It's usually about the baby or the household or her. So, when she does not pay attention, she usually ends up paying. This has become so addictive for me that, if I fall ill, I'd probably collapse first before requesting her to waive some household work. All this isn't as off-topic as one might think. If only your spouse started behaving like me...<br />
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Oh, and the future can always be far worse than today, or the day before. Never lose faith in that possibility.

I have come to pay no attention ... there is a difference. I use to do everything he asked of me in the past. Every time I tried to say something, it was never heard. I have taken the same aspect to listening as he does. As the saying goes ...if it's good for you, it's good for me. I have told him things in the past, only to have repeat myself 4, 5, and even 6 times ... the exact same thing. There goes a time when a toddler would understand what you are telling them ... to this day, in 15 years, he has never once asked me, How was your day ?? Not once ...... so yes, I am NOW at the stage where I no longer listen ....

Welcome....we're sorry you have to be here. I am certain that you will find support here as you transition to this new phase of your life. Check out CarinKimberley's story..and be sure to read all of her stories, not just the success, because the path she took to get to where she is is even more important than where and how she ended up; this is true for everyone who has left and has generously stayed around to share their tale. <br />
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Best wishes to you...<br />
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Thank you -MR for the suggestion. I will take the time to read CarinKimberley's story.