The Very Purpose Of Marriage

This is a little randomly written, but what I have gleaned from spiritual and scientific sources, as well as my own views toward mankind's freedom and welfare. If I wanted a mere co-habitation arrangement I would choose a partner as if going into business and according to emotional compatibility and similar intelligences. Actually, marriage can make or break us in every way. So, maybe the business model works better at the outset rather than FALLING in love! This powerful driver is so dangerous! It starts at about puberty and does not end after the wedding. It is, indeed, a wonderful state. But it is not a basis for setting up a permanent relationship. A good marriage has a stabilizing effect on society. It is vital.

If someone is a lot like you and shares logic and principles - if they talk at all! - then it is easier to love them over the long term when the boiler cools down. For every "soul mate" there are probably 100,000 others out there. Normally balanced individuals do fine before marriage, even if they can't slice bread or change a tire. They are just lacking a partner in intimacy. So, it makes sense not to marry a person who is very complimentary as the missing aspects will probably be developed down-the-line anyway.  You may find yourself married to someone from another planet - figuratively! Men and women can be very much alike, and any two people can be from wholly other worlds.

Marrying an asexual-type person is a perfect example of not covering the ground before the wedding. Sex should be discussed frankly. Sorry, I don't feel intercourse outside marriage is good for anyone and the less careful masses of people are endangered by this. Asexual-types should obviously marry, if they need it, others like themselves or they could torture their spouses literally for decades. They should know themselves! At least a monastic life does not involve sharing bath and bed rooms with partners changing clothes! There is often a strong attraction to someone detached or chaste. But what is considered a virtue may be just total lack of appetite, which leads to this analogy. Suppose you married someone who never needed to eat and forced you not to eat either. This is the dilemma in an asexual marriage. Even if you do get a meal (no funny business intended), and the other has some feelings, you are , no doubt, not nourished. And probably most asexual types get it wrong every time, no matter what, because they are not aroused and may feel disgusted, which is a perfect condition for the sexually active one. Sex is mutual and often better when the OTHER is fulfilled. 

Finally, I strongly agree that - especially in the case of lowered libido - that a partner has the duty to fix themselves, which could mean fixing both! They risk the marriage or happiness and the future welfare of children just because one has no urges or response. The sexually active person should be patient. But months and years are too long and shows something ain't working. Maybe it is due to a hidden abuse in childhood. But something should - must - be done. It is unjust to be bridled with being married, which can be very challenging in itself, and no reward or natural purpose to it all. The asexual partner is going to suffer the heavy consequences unless married to a saint.  With all the stress, doomsday fears and sexual signals thrown at people today we had better put sexual compatibility at the top of the list of things to know before diving into so all-encompassing a relationship! Be sober and count to 10(million). Talk things over well. 

Palease Palease
4 Responses Jun 3, 2012

Yep, let's all place nice, with everyone doing what they "should" in the field of partner selection and negotiating areas of difference. Like reasonable responsible adults - which we "should" all be.<br />
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Taking that attitude out onto the streets will get you ****** over, real quick.<br />
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Relationships are all about what people "DO" do, and the other parties response to that, not what they "SHOULD" do.<br />
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Tread your own path.

You say, "The asexual partner is going to suffer the heavy consequences unless married to a saint. "<br />
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I have to disagree (or assume that all of us here are saints, and I know I'm not). Our collective problem is that we're TOO nice, and our asexual partners aren't suffering any consequences at all. If we held them accountable they'd either be uncomfortable enough to change or the marriage would have ended years ago.

While I agree with your premise that being a sexual person married to an asexual is a formula for disaster, I don't think there is a screening process that you can use. I married an asexual woman, but until recently, had never even heard the term. If you have no idea of a concept, you certainly can't discuss it and find out if your potential mate does not, indeed, want to mate!<br />
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It's a shame that the premarital blood test can't screen for incompatibilities in sex drive. So we go along with the society-endorsed courtship rituals, and people with no or low libido don't show their true colors until it is much too late. I am 28 years into a relationship, and 25 years this Wednesday into a marriage with an asexual woman. And as much as I still love her, the balance of love and pain is tipping away from her, and I really have no clue how to proceed. <br />
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For those who are about to write "just divorce her", this is not that time. <br />
Peace out,<br />

We did live together. I was young and dumb and in love. Rose colored glasses obscured my vision. Besides, why would I have even considered that a thing like sexless marriage existed?
Hindsight truly is 20-20.

Vjerilood, the only downfall I see to living together (and I lived with my husband for 3 years before marriage) is that when we are young, we tend to ignore or rationalize the red flags. We think we can "work them out," "change the other person," "change ourselves," etc. But when we are older and wiser, we're a day late and a dollar short.



No matter how carefully and rationally you make your choice, things will change. Marriage seems to be at the heart of the problem and is clearly a doomed institution. At least, the till-death-do-us-part bit. Certainly there is no need for marriage for the species to blunder on, we are doing "fine" with 7B and counting.