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I Slept In The Guestroom Last Night

We weren't fighting, in fact in was a decent day. But in order not to make my wife feel any pressure at all, I just slept in the guestroom last night. She has no desire to be physically close and has had recent issues so I just decided this would put her mind at ease.  She never gave my decision a second thought since I told her it was because she's a very loud sleeper.  This morning she commented that she slept really well and felt rested. Now I sense she's indirectly saying she likes this arrangement.

I will admit that my decision was a result of my passive aggressive nature. This was a lousy action on my part because I can not discuss directly my true feelings. Those feelings are I'm starving for affection and intimacy which my wife finds to be a minefield to be avoided. Maybe, just maybe... she'll begin to look inwardly and ask herself what's going on. If I brought up the subject she would instantly be turned off. She needs to be in control. All I'm doing is planting the concept that something isn't right.

I know.. I know... it's a very flawed plan. A direct approach has never been successful in the past.
PC2629 PC2629 56-60, M 15 Responses Jun 4, 2012

Your Response


ok. as your freind, let me say that i disagree with some of these well meaning people. <br />
here is my take on the subject from someone who has been there, and followed almost the same path. <br />
sleeping in another room, is as you said a passive-aggressive move. she will not "think about it". <br />
you, on the other hand need to take time with her and approach the subject. but before you do, ask yourself what it is that you really want here. do you want out of the relationship, and if that happens, what will you do? <br />
ig you two are not talking about things, then, no, there is no intimacy. communication is key to intimacy, which is what fuels passion. <br />
DO be prepared for confrontation when you approach the subject, but try not to get angry and defensive. that will not get you anything but an argument, which never solves anything. calm discussion is the key here. <br />
i am here for you.

All my plans seemed to be slightly flawed.

"This morning she commented that she slept really well and felt rested. Now I sense she's indirectly saying she likes this arrangement."<br />
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Absolutely shot yourself in the foot there!<br />
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"Maybe, just maybe... she'll begin to look inwardly and ask herself what's going on. If I brought up the subject she would instantly be turned off. She needs to be in control."<br />
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She won't look inwardly, you've just played straight into her hands, and she's got what she wanted - and that is you out of her vagina, and out of her bedroom. Her only concern will be how to make it permanent.<br />
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Good luck undoing the damage you caused yourself with that ill thought out gamble.

You are hoping that you sleeping in the guest room will give her time to reflect. Have you been praying for a miracle and you think god is going to answer your prayer.<br />
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Newsflash, she gave it to you this morning when she mentioned she had a good nights sleep. This arrangement suits her just fine.<br />
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I suggest you stop the passive agressive behavour and just have it out with her. Lay your cards on the table and tell her in no uncertain terms what you expect from your marriage. <br />
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If she wont come to the table and co - operate with you than it is time to assess your position and make her accountable for her actions.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thts the way to do it, u hit the head on the nail w/tht comment. Thts what needs to be done, do it for urself.

You mention she has a need to control.<br />
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As do you.<br />
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The essential difference is that you adopt a PA position to try and bring this control about. A relationship with a PA person gets real old, real quick. As does one with an overt need to control.<br />
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This reads like as you have both wrestled to grab the steering wheel (in your different ways) you have contrived to put the car straight into the ditch.<br />
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And it is highly debatable as to whether either of you have the skill set to do anything about retrieving the wreck.<br />
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Might be best to leave the smouldering wreck in the ditch, claim it on insurance and move on. Separately.<br />
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Tread your own path.

You're lying to yourself and her. Is this the way you want to live and carry on living?

I am surprised by the number of overall comments. More surprisingly is that the majority are from men. I was hoping for more women's point of view. Maybe this story just hit at home for more of the men. Dunno?

You'll find there is little difference here between the genders.

Let me recap:<br />
You can't talk about your problems. So you moved to a spare bed.<br />
She declares that that suits her just fine. She is a controller and hates to talk about your problems.<br />
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It doesn't take a great deal of mental arithmetic to say: your chances of getting your marital problems sorted out by yourselves are NIL. In fact your chances of ever getting it sorted are diminishingly small. But you both need outside help if you even want to have the tiniest chance; and I do NOT mean marriage guidance, I mean a therapist each. Expensive. A divorce may come cheaper.<br />
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Sorry 'bout the bad news.

Let me say I haven't moved into the guestroom, i just slept in the guestroom. big difference.

But she's already shared she LIKES it that you're in the guestroom, right?
And you do not have the ability to share your feelings, right?
You're heading down a slippery slope, friend. Good luck.

LOL - indeed, PC2629: that is the correct reply for an A-P person. Always defend by not accepting the point in broad terms but wiggling off to the side, so you don't have to listen.
Go and get help, mate.

At this point I hate to suggest it but you might as well move to another city, another country. You haven't a plan, a strategy; you have a response of desperation to a situation.<br />
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You can't talk about it, she won't talk about it. So, how do you go about making any decision about the future? Or her? Second-guessing or mind-reading is no way to go. Maybe consider whether she fears discussing it as much as you.<br />
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If you can't discuss it, why? Reluctance (your inhibition)? Inability (don't know what to say or how to say it)? Fear (of her reaction)?<br />
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There would be no harm in researching this, in preparing yourself. Impressive public speakers make it seem effortless, as if it second nature to them. However, behind that ease is a lot of training, coaching, experience. And what they have to say is usually less important than what you have to say or discuss. Maybe considering some counseling about how you should or could discuss it might be a worthwhile investment, with all the usual caveats about the right counsellor, expectations, etc.

Honestly, It more about her reaction. Been there, done that!

It doesn't sound as if you have any real options left. I think that is a cue for Baz's advice, unfortunately.

Once you start sleeping in separate rooms, the clock on your marriage starts ticking faster. If you don't address the underlying issues, then you will have simply cemented the 'roommate' status.

Yes, everyone has a different path. I guess you have to decide whether you want to try to fix it or bail out. Or, live with it as I did- which isn't an option at all, it's sheer stupidity.

I'm actually a fan of sleeping in the guest room, within the context of discussions of your issue, as a way of acknowledging the truth of your arrangement. When you no longer sleep in the same room, it becomes a bit more difficult to carry on the self-delusion. That's for you, but also for your spouse. In my experience, I found that it has a way of putting those discussions back on the agenda.<br />
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Once you figure where you are, you can decide where you want to be.

Never ceases to amaze me. We do things that we think will get their attention, that will allow things to change or somehow get what we need addressed and they turn it into a situation that gets them less intimacy and more distance.<br />
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It just goes to show how far apart we are in terms of what it is that we're seeking as a goal.

I tend to like your insight as being on target. Notice you didn't try to solve anything but rather just added your perspective.

It's all well and good to "move back in" but everyone has a different path. I choose to not sleep in the bed with my nearly naked spouse. That's like going on a diet and choosing to visit an all you can eat buffet with nothing but your favorite foods. I choose to sleep elsewhere because it lessens my desire and I spend way less nights crying over rejection. If I spoon he throws a fit and tells me to knock it off. Know your limits and listen to your gut.

Wow, sounds like me. My back hurt and I did a Woody Guthrie thing, I started sleeping on the bedroom floor. My wife filled up the empty space with mail, work stuff, etc to the point where I spent (literally) years sleeping elsewhere. I recently moved back in- she is respecting my space. Hey, don't get to that point, once you move out you are done, brother. Talk it out as best you can and if possible, keep the love flowing. Just my 2 cents.

Doesn't sound good at all. Do something now if u wanna save ur marriage. I'm now separated because I seen the signs & did nothing. When I did try it was to late. If she's hinting that she likes sleeping by herself, that a huge sign sumthin's wrong. Address the situation now. Don't wait. Good luck