At The Risk Of Tmi....

Even I didnt know it was this bad! If you've read my previous stories you know that the intamacy ball is now soley in my wife's court. I said I am tired of begging, I am tired of hoping to win lottery sex. I have also stated that sex is very important to me in a marriage. to me it fills an emotional need that nothing else will fill. I have also made it clear that it needs to be real....I need my spouse to desire me, it can't just be me doing the desiring.

So this weekend it was time. Her little internal clock was ticking saying that its been a month, I better get him taken care of. Thats hoe it felt anyway. Cutting to the Chase I said, if you want to then you are going to have to initiate..(I know, romantic, huh). I can't help it, we've turned this into a transaction. So she takes her pants off and just lays there next to me. I romantically say, no, that is not initiation, that is just another invitation for me to initiate. We lay there another minute , but it seemed like an hour, and she says, what am I supposed to do? I am not very good at this. I said, you have to do what feels good, kiss explore, touch, play. She then again said , I am not very good at this......people, it was horrible! She had nothing that she wanted to do...this wasn't some teenage akwardness this is my wife of nearly 11 years! I realized then, that through this entire relationship I have carried the sex/naked playing all by myself!!

Thirteen months ago I asked her if she was asexual, a month or so after that she told me that she was molested as a young girl, by another young girl. I gave her tons of sympathy and space and encouraged her to seek help. she insisted over and over that she didn't need help, that it was nothing. This weekend all of that came rushing back to me. Another time this year she told me that she doesn't remember having sexual thoughts, except for maybe once or twice in high school.

We have been together our entire adult life, I was her first, and she swears up and down that she has never master-bated, ever! I know some of you aren't going to believe that. She doesn't seem to have a sexual bone in her body, and never has, ad now finally some of this is starting to make sense, not in a warm fuzzy way though. It's more like a terrifying realization that things are far worse than I even thought!

I know only she can chose to change this, but what do all of you think? I guess it doesn't change much for me, but it would give me some clarity if I knew what was happening here. Thanks all of you, any comments welcome!
31-35, M
10 Responses Jun 4, 2012

Oh dear, she has no sex drive and you've worked it out.<br />
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Half of me thinks "just take it when you want it, it's not going to bother her either way", and the other half of me thinks "open the door, walk through it, shut the door behind you, keep on walking, and don't ever look back"

You know we have been able to work it out so far with no drive on her side, but ignorance was not necessarily bliss. Now, I realize that this is what it is...I can't control it, I do however have control over what I want for the rest of my life....its just hard to make that next step.

Never *********** my ***. An ex girlfiend i had used to pull that Came home early one day and there she was ***** and all.<br />
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As for you obviously this is as good as your sex life will get. Can you stick around knowing this? or will you choose to leave.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

The sexual ex<x>pression levels in this marriage are done. And dusted. Finito. Finished. Finis. Kaput. ******. Over. Ended. <br />
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That is either a deal breaker for you, or it ain't.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Why do you have to leave so much "gray" area? Just kidding...gotcha, and I don't disagree.

So, you drew the line in the sand. What next? Will you erase the line like you never drew it? Or will you call time on the marriage? In the significant majority of cases, the why does not matter. In the end, you choose your pain. Take care.

It's not a straight-forward hormonal thing in women like it is in men. That's one reason the "little blue pills" exist for men and they haven't found similar for women. I asked my ob/gyn this a few days ago (libido in women) and he said it was "multi-factorial" in women, and 90% between the ears.<br />
He's right!<br />
I say asexual for some reason or is my husband, have NO idea why he is, possibly self-esteem.

This doesn't sound hormonal, at least not entirely. If she brought up the molestation while discussing her lack of sexuality, then I'd gamble that she is more disturbed by what happened than even she might be aware of.<br />
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You have my empathy. And you might want to check out the AVEN website for information on asexuality.

You may find it difficult to believe but I am a little confused; just over one thing. This "once a month thing" what is the bottom line with it? Is it just intended to be duty sex? In the past when you have initiated on those occasions have there been any authentic sexual responses from her, or has it been like poking a corpse?<br />
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Sex therapists think they can possibly help women LIKE your wife BUT that does not necessarily mean they can actually help YOUR wife. Especially if she does not want to be helped. You can't be hypnotised unless you are susceptible to the idea.

Once a month thing.....I think of it as a subconcious deadline she has, she thinks its enough to be able to say she tried. Short answer...DUTY ...yes definately. When I was running the was all me, if I would have stopped in the middle or just before her climax, I don't think she would have cared. short answer, corpse.? I am afraid so, a corpse with some fake moves, learned, cliche moves not derived from Passion.

Just to be clear I would never stop before her climax and I am in no way a selfish lover....just an example.

It's a pity and for her too perhaps. It sounds as if she is sexually functional but not emotionally invested in it. And like so many you will probably never find out, even at your last breath. It's a tragic way for anyone to live. A by-the-by, I wonder if the sexual molestation as a young girl was that really? Or was it just a process of juvenile sexual discovery that she feels guilty about even after all these years. If it was, it would indeed be nothing to spend hours in therapy over. I have no specific reason for this but I find myself wondering whether she has a huge guilt/phobia/fear thing over sex and her sexuality both physical and psychological. What do you know of her upbringing? She either has no sexuality in her at all as you put it or she is hugely repressed over it. Is she a shy or outgoing personality in general?

She could change...<br />
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She sounds like a classic "bottle it in until you explode" type of person (perhaps?). Very repressed and proud of it. But if she does explode, it doesn't sound like it's going to be because of you. And as EM this point would you freely accept it, without resentment anyway?

I disagree. She was never a person who had many sexual thoughts or feelings, even as a teen. It is who she is.

I am thinking you are right.

I can empathize with your situation and wish you the best of luck. For me, a "sexless" marriage isn't always completely sexless. It has so much to do with the feeling of being wanted. When we're forced to take on all of the sexual responsibility, it drains us of our self-esteem, our feelings of worth and our feelings of attractiveness. Believe me, even if she were to start initiating sex, it won't necessarily bring those feelings back. The extended periods of rejection have so ingrained those feelings that they won't just come back. Her initiation can make you question the motivations. Does she really want me or is this an attempt to just fulfill a duty? As you said, "it needs to be real".

..."has so much to do with the feeling of being wanted. When we're forced to take on all of the sexual responsibility, it drains us of our self-esteem, our feelings of worth and our feelings of attractiveness..."


Right on!! This is why I can't initiate anymore....I am spent. Her complete lack of ability and effort has left me worn out. I feel like the only thing that would even come close to turning things around at this point is an all out desire and tremendous amounts of "real" affection on her part....something like we have never seen before...well I know the answer to that. We can't even get to 5% of that.

You know the answer... She isn't going to change. <br />
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You will have to. Change will do you good.