At The Risk Of Tmi....Even I didnt know it was this bad! If you've read my previous stories you know that the intamacy ball is now soley in my wife's court. I said I am tired of begging, I am tired of hoping to win lottery sex. I have also stated that sex is very important to me in a marriage. to me it fills an emotional need that nothing else will fill. I have also made it clear that it needs to be real....I need my spouse to desire me, it can't just be me doing the desiring.
So this weekend it was time. Her little internal clock was ticking saying that its been a month, I better get him taken care of. Thats hoe it felt anyway. Cutting to the Chase I said, if you want to then you are going to have to initiate..(I know, romantic, huh). I can't help it, we've turned this into a transaction. So she takes her pants off and just lays there next to me. I romantically say, no, that is not initiation, that is just another invitation for me to initiate. We lay there another minute , but it seemed like an hour, and she says, what am I supposed to do? I am not very good at this. I said, you have to do what feels good, kiss explore, touch, play. She then again said , I am not very good at this......people, it was horrible! She had nothing that she wanted to do...this wasn't some teenage akwardness this is my wife of nearly 11 years! I realized then, that through this entire relationship I have carried the sex/naked playing all by myself!!
Thirteen months ago I asked her if she was asexual, a month or so after that she told me that she was molested as a young girl, by another young girl. I gave her tons of sympathy and space and encouraged her to seek help. she insisted over and over that she didn't need help, that it was nothing. This weekend all of that came rushing back to me. Another time this year she told me that she doesn't remember having sexual thoughts, except for maybe once or twice in high school.
We have been together our entire adult life, I was her first, and she swears up and down that she has never master-bated, ever! I know some of you aren't going to believe that. She doesn't seem to have a sexual bone in her body, and never has, ad now finally some of this is starting to make sense, not in a warm fuzzy way though. It's more like a terrifying realization that things are far worse than I even thought!
I know only she can chose to change this, but what do all of you think? I guess it doesn't change much for me, but it would give me some clarity if I knew what was happening here. Thanks all of you, any comments welcome!