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Are You A Refuser?

I have reached a conclusion today.

We, the refused, are refusers.
How so, you ask? Simple.

We refuse to recognize just how big a big a problem we have.
We refuse to accept that life can be different
We refuse to accept that we have the personal power to make the changes we need to be happy.
We refuse to believe that we can get the money we need to divorce
We refuse to believe that our spouses understand what they are doing to us.
We refuse to blame them for what they have done to us
We refuse to recognize the depth of the damage it does to be refused over and over again by someone who 'loves' us
We refuse to believe that they stopped loving us
We refuse to believe that they stopped caring about our real, physical needs.
But most of all, we refuse to believe that we are, in fact, desirable and good people. We refuse to believe this because they refuse us.

But I say, I am a refuser too.

I REFUSE to look at plain facts and treat them as 'complicated'
I REFUSE to say "It's just sex"
I REFUSE to support someone who does not support me in the most basic human way.
I REFUSE to hold her blameless. EVERYONE has a CHOICE in how they CHOOSE to keep their spouse happy!
I REFUSE to believe that her feelings are valid. They are not. They are based on psychologically damaged circuits.

But most of all,

I REFUSE to stick around
I REFUSE to go back
I REFUSE to ever be in such a situation again.


I REFUSE to buy the lie. If you don't want me, it doesn't mean anything other than this: you don't want me.

Repeat ten times:

They don't want you, they only want you around.
FilteringMachine FilteringMachine 31-35, M 101 Responses Jun 4, 2012

Your Response


I would respectfully disagree. I pretty much disagree with everything written. I know I wasn't the problem and I wanted out so badly. I could not leave my daughter and I knew staying would cost me plenty. I could not leave my daughter.

you would not be leaving your daughter in a divorce parents get shared custody

Good one dude. Some people may know this their hearts but cannot find it within themselves to acknowledge it out loud . If they did then they would have to do something about it. Unfortunately ignoring the problem is what most do.

wow this is so powerful!
why do they want us around? this is the part that confuses me and has me hooked

"They don't want you, they only want you around"

I realise that this is an old post, but that line rings so, so true

Wow... how did you know I needed that last sentence?

Because I did...

This is very cryptic, what are you trying to say. You want to be wanted and Love and have no physical intimacy (sex). It's possible as many loss the ability, but so many love to be touched in someway a caress of the arm even doesn't have to end in sex at all


Well said. Perhaps the next step is to create a pre relationship sexual questionnaire to hopefully weed out those potential people that are sure to be incompatible in this area.

Won't help. The Deniers aren't doing it out of lack of sex drive, but out of lack of respect for the man they have chosen to torture.

Great post!

Wow! This is soooooo true! You couldn't put it in better words! That's so spot on! I'm done with my husband, I'm leaving! Bye bye, loser! Stay all alone with your own misery, don't drag a healthy, loving woman into your misery pit! I deserve better!

They dont want you but they don't want anyone else to have you.

I'm printing this & keeping it in my wallet - you made me cry -

10061963L <*********** TROLL

Wow, just wow.

Well said!

Thank you so much for this... I have copied it and printed it out to put on my wall. Everytime I have doubts about leaving, I'll look at it and remind myself I am doing the right thing.

"They don't want you, they only want you around." ... That pretty much describes what it's like living with my wife. We haven't had sex for more than seven years. And before that it was maybe once a month for the previous 16 years. I asked her to consider how painful it is for me. She said she didn't care. Sometimes she'll want to cuddle in bed (only she can initiate it, not me). But if I give any indication I want to go farther, she pushes me away, sometimes angrily. Almost the entire time she's home she's by herself, reading on the couch or in bed. Yet, she wants me to go with her to movies and to be with her when she goes to events. ... I feel trapped. No one in my family has divorced. We have a lovely daughter whom I don't want to hurt by our separation. Another reason leaving is hard to consider is that I have an illness that makes it difficult for me to sustain an erection. (She was refusing sex before my illness.) I still have a sex drive and would love to express myself to my wife by stimulating her in any way she'd like. I'm a tender lover and enjoy giving a woman pleasure with my hands, tongue, lips... whatever. Yet, if I were to leave, what woman would want to have a relationship with a guy who can't stay hard? I'm damaged goods. So here I am—stuck in a sexless marriage with little hope of ever being able to have a sexual relationship with another woman again.

not necessarily true, never give up, you may find someone who can love you for you

Of course you can have another relationship. There are so many women out there, me included, who are older and whose husbands or partners have completely lost their sex drives. My partner had so many issues going on in his life that sex was the last thing on his mind. It is the first thing on my mind. In the end, I did ask him to leave. If I meet someone who is sensual and wants to please, I\'d be thrilled. Don\'t give up hope. Believe me, there are thousands, probably more women out there who would be so lucky to have a guy like you giving them pleasure.

Agreed the only reason you should not be having sex is because you are taking a break from the last relationship and that's about it.

if you do not want too divorce then outsourcing may have too happen people can not stay without sex unless they don't want sex.

mteva is a troll

amen brother!!

"THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY"! I am adopting this as my personal slogan! While not all that filteringmachine wrote is true for my situation (or maybe I still REFUSE to believe it is) I have come to terms with the fact that I can live in a sexless marriage and still receive the intimacy I need in other ways. And the way I came to this point was by refusing to play the game that my husband was playing. Sex was the one and only thing I wanted that he would not give. That was the way he asserted his power over me. I had to stop playing the game for us to move on, to end the power struggle. Remember this: sex is about power. And yes, the only winning move is not to play. Amen footballbat, Amen.

...Sex ought to be about bonding...Not disagreeing with you in the main, just that one part. Your husband is using it to control...and that's not normal.
Not normal. Not an ok thing to do. A dirty trick.

There was an 1980s Mathew Broderick movie called War Games. It was about a computer that contemplated the out come of nuclear war. In the end of the movie the computer determined that in nuclear war " The only winning move is not to play".<br />
<br />
You have come to terms with your contribution to the Sexless Marriage problem. You, like most of us, enable our refusers. They can only wield the power we grant them over us. <br />
<br />
<br />
I think that we should adopt that as our official ILIASM slogan. <br />
<br />
Good Luck!!

I am printing this so I can read it everytime I get in one of my "Nobody will love me because he didn't and it must be because I am an unlovable person " funks.
Thank you

I was browsing a forum on adult sexuality and a man was posting about how his GF had cut him off for so long he finally decided to take action with a coworker. In the end they broke up but his final line of that post nailed it: Life is too short for no twa*. I replied that not only did I want that etched on my tombstone, I was going to have it engraved on a medallion to wear around my neck as a reminder.

lol! That's awesome!

Wow. So damn true.

I know one thing--We are all worthy of the love we are not getting.

I also live that life. Excellent post. Has there been an update to this post ?

I know I am a little late on the draw here, but I wanted to let you how much I enjoyed your heartfelt piece. I live that life you so succinctly described in your writing.

I'm curious as to how this has worked out. Did you leave? Are you still refusing to see? To believe that there is something better? Or have you worked it out with your spouse?

Great post, I am sure you know that this cuts both ways. Men to Women and Womand to Men.