Are You A Refuser?

I have reached a conclusion today.

We, the refused, are refusers.
How so, you ask? Simple.

We refuse to recognize just how big a big a problem we have.
We refuse to accept that life can be different
We refuse to accept that we have the personal power to make the changes we need to be happy.
We refuse to believe that we can get the money we need to divorce
We refuse to believe that our spouses understand what they are doing to us.
We refuse to blame them for what they have done to us
We refuse to recognize the depth of the damage it does to be refused over and over again by someone who 'loves' us
We refuse to believe that they stopped loving us
We refuse to believe that they stopped caring about our real, physical needs.
But most of all, we refuse to believe that we are, in fact, desirable and good people. We refuse to believe this because they refuse us.

But I say, I am a refuser too.

I REFUSE to look at plain facts and treat them as 'complicated'
I REFUSE to say "It's just sex"
I REFUSE to support someone who does not support me in the most basic human way.
I REFUSE to hold her blameless. EVERYONE has a CHOICE in how they CHOOSE to keep their spouse happy!
I REFUSE to believe that her feelings are valid. They are not. They are based on psychologically damaged circuits.

But most of all,

I REFUSE to stick around
I REFUSE to go back
I REFUSE to ever be in such a situation again.


I REFUSE to buy the lie. If you don't want me, it doesn't mean anything other than this: you don't want me.

Repeat ten times:

They don't want you, they only want you around.
FilteringMachine FilteringMachine
31-35, M
94 Responses Jun 4, 2012

Good one dude. Some people may know this their hearts but cannot find it within themselves to acknowledge it out loud . If they did then they would have to do something about it. Unfortunately ignoring the problem is what most do.

"They don't want you, they only want you around"

I realise that this is an old post, but that line rings so, so true

Wow... how did you know I needed that last sentence?

Because I did...

This is very cryptic, what are you trying to say. You want to be wanted and Love and have no physical intimacy (sex). It's possible as many loss the ability, but so many love to be touched in someway a caress of the arm even doesn't have to end in sex at all


Well said. Perhaps the next step is to create a pre relationship sexual questionnaire to hopefully weed out those potential people that are sure to be incompatible in this area.

Won't help. The Deniers aren't doing it out of lack of sex drive, but out of lack of respect for the man they have chosen to torture.

Great post!

Wow! This is soooooo true! You couldn't put it in better words! That's so spot on! I'm done with my husband, I'm leaving! Bye bye, loser! Stay all alone with your own misery, don't drag a healthy, loving woman into your misery pit! I deserve better!

They dont want you but they don't want anyone else to have you.

I'm printing this & keeping it in my wallet - you made me cry -

10061963L <*********** TROLL

Wow, just wow.

Well said!

Thank you so much for this... I have copied it and printed it out to put on my wall. Everytime I have doubts about leaving, I'll look at it and remind myself I am doing the right thing.

"They don't want you, they only want you around." ... That pretty much describes what it's like living with my wife. We haven't had sex for more than seven years. And before that it was maybe once a month for the previous 16 years. I asked her to consider how painful it is for me. She said she didn't care. Sometimes she'll want to cuddle in bed (only she can initiate it, not me). But if I give any indication I want to go farther, she pushes me away, sometimes angrily. Almost the entire time she's home she's by herself, reading on the couch or in bed. Yet, she wants me to go with her to movies and to be with her when she goes to events. ... I feel trapped. No one in my family has divorced. We have a lovely daughter whom I don't want to hurt by our separation. Another reason leaving is hard to consider is that I have an illness that makes it difficult for me to sustain an erection. (She was refusing sex before my illness.) I still have a sex drive and would love to express myself to my wife by stimulating her in any way she'd like. I'm a tender lover and enjoy giving a woman pleasure with my hands, tongue, lips... whatever. Yet, if I were to leave, what woman would want to have a relationship with a guy who can't stay hard? I'm damaged goods. So here I am—stuck in a sexless marriage with little hope of ever being able to have a sexual relationship with another woman again.

not necessarily true, never give up, you may find someone who can love you for you

Of course you can have another relationship. There are so many women out there, me included, who are older and whose husbands or partners have completely lost their sex drives. My partner had so many issues going on in his life that sex was the last thing on his mind. It is the first thing on my mind. In the end, I did ask him to leave. If I meet someone who is sensual and wants to please, I\'d be thrilled. Don\'t give up hope. Believe me, there are thousands, probably more women out there who would be so lucky to have a guy like you giving them pleasure.

Agreed the only reason you should not be having sex is because you are taking a break from the last relationship and that's about it.

if you do not want too divorce then outsourcing may have too happen people can not stay without sex unless they don't want sex.

mteva is a troll

amen brother!!

"THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY"! I am adopting this as my personal slogan! While not all that filteringmachine wrote is true for my situation (or maybe I still REFUSE to believe it is) I have come to terms with the fact that I can live in a sexless marriage and still receive the intimacy I need in other ways. And the way I came to this point was by refusing to play the game that my husband was playing. Sex was the one and only thing I wanted that he would not give. That was the way he asserted his power over me. I had to stop playing the game for us to move on, to end the power struggle. Remember this: sex is about power. And yes, the only winning move is not to play. Amen footballbat, Amen.

...Sex ought to be about bonding...Not disagreeing with you in the main, just that one part. Your husband is using it to control...and that's not normal.
Not normal. Not an ok thing to do. A dirty trick.

There was an 1980s Mathew Broderick movie called War Games. It was about a computer that contemplated the out come of nuclear war. In the end of the movie the computer determined that in nuclear war " The only winning move is not to play".<br />
<br />
You have come to terms with your contribution to the Sexless Marriage problem. You, like most of us, enable our refusers. They can only wield the power we grant them over us. <br />
<br />
<br />
I think that we should adopt that as our official ILIASM slogan. <br />
<br />
Good Luck!!

I was browsing a forum on adult sexuality and a man was posting about how his GF had cut him off for so long he finally decided to take action with a coworker. In the end they broke up but his final line of that post nailed it: Life is too short for no twa*. I replied that not only did I want that etched on my tombstone, I was going to have it engraved on a medallion to wear around my neck as a reminder.

lol! That's awesome!

Wow. So damn true.

I know one thing--We are all worthy of the love we are not getting.

I also live that life. Excellent post. Has there been an update to this post ?

I'm curious as to how this has worked out. Did you leave? Are you still refusing to see? To believe that there is something better? Or have you worked it out with your spouse?

Great post, I am sure you know that this cuts both ways. Men to Women and Womand to Men.

awesome ..standing ovations..passes the hat ..donations needed here...we will strat the i dont have money for the divorce from the sexless partner fund..begun for this great author's legacy

lol wow

You nailed it

Very true to all of us, male and female, who have settled for less, either for children or other reasons. Being a man, I live by the ideal that if "you made your bed, you have to lay in it" So I live in a sexless, meaningless marriage and my belief that my kids happiness now comes before mine makes it easier to bear, but still a sad existence. I know, thanks to your words, exactly how to phrase it, she doesn't want me, just wants me around.

I am in fact a refuser.
I have refused him for 6 months. Why? Because I have given him 15 years of my life and body and I'm tired of feeling empty inside. He loves me, in his own words, he loves me more than life. I should be happy and fulfilled right? I have had to come to the realization I married someone because they loved me so much and I didn't want to hurt them and *refuse* them back then. I was 19. Too young to know. Too young to realize what LOVE really was, passion, desire. I was taught that was all just sinful, that that stuff came AFTER you were married. It didn't for me.
I have had 2 min jump my bones sex for my entire marriage. I hate it. I am done. And I have gotten to the point where I hate him touching me. He hasn't seen my needs for all this time but "wants me now". I am sorry, my heart died a long time ago.
And, ya, we've done counselling.
And you know what. My reasons are valid. They are valid for MY heart, for MY survival emotionally.
It doesn't help that I am actually literally, Dr diagnosed, allergic to his bodily fluids. So, ya, I'm over the hives as well.

When your immune system is reacting to someone, you know it's time to move on.

immune systems do know a lot..

I agree with you both. My body simply doesn't like him. We had this huge (and emotional) talk last night and he decided he's wanting to try intimacy again... he is sure I won't react now. I told him if I do, its over. I am not willing to keep hurting for him, and he looked at me so betrayed. And I looked at him in defiance and begged him to please tell me why I owe him that much of me... even my body's defying this. Well, I woke up this morning with stress blisters on my lip. Normally if I'm super stressed or super super sick I will get them, but for a day before I feel a tingling first. There was nothing. This happened directly after we talked and I went to bed... and woke up to them. Ridiculous.
The ways my body has been reacting to the stress has been ridiculous and has my dr's down to my chiropractor concerned for me.
Today my 6th grader's teacher called me and said she thinks he's depressed... and asked if I'm ok with her asking the school psychologist to see him, I was more than relieved and said please do. My husband pulls crap like walking out the house crying and when my son asks why, he says "because no one loves me". That was part of last night's convo. I said you need to be an adult and man up. Cry in the car all you want but don't you dare pull your kid into your emotions.
Anyway. I am praying to god that my immune system doesn't fail me now and that it rejects him again simply because I am so hurt and done.

wow...sounds like there is a whole lot going on..your husband your kids you ...too much..yeah you just cant do that falling apart stuff in front of your kids...i have heard of being allergic to the mans *****..bu tthis full on immune thing has got to be way worse...

s p e r m is not a word that needs to be blocked...seriously ..grow up ep you have stories about people that use the bathroom in their pants on can handle the word s p e r m

Lol agreed.. Such a scary word right?!

i am going to start the we all began with s p e r m page

Lol, good! I'll join :) ha ha

5 More Responses

Also we refuse to take responsibility for the part we played in the destruction of our marriage. It take two people to get married and Two people to ruin/destroy a marriage.

a famous therapist once takes two people to build a great marriage but only one to destory it in total agreement

one country bombs gonna say well it was that countries fault for getting bombed to begin with?

Guess it all depends in what that country was doing. But I see your point.

Sheer Genius.

I need to read this over and over. After 4 years of no sex, no affection, no touching, no loving words, I have had one physical affair and one online emotional affair. The guilt involved does not help my situation, and does not change the fact that I want a loving husband as an example for my children. We are friends. We are housemates (not roommates--he's chosen the couch over our bed). I have discussed, begged, cajoled, cried and now just avoid the issue of our sexless marriage. But I've confessed to friends. I am looking into counselling. I am finding out about separation proceedings. Scared as I am about what all of this will entail, I can't live like this any more. Emotionally, it's killing me. I deserve a loving marriage, not just a "good father to my children/someone who helps pay the bills." Constant loneliness and rejection in marriage is not what I consider a real marriage.

I have a question but feel free not to answer.

When you told your friends, what, if anything, have they suggested?

My friends are supportive of me. So are my parents. Sadly, I have been moving slowly on my decision because housing is expensive &amp; limited where I live. My career and children keep me very busy. I want out, but it's tough to even find time to phone for a counselling appointment, never mind go to one. I think my friends will be my best support system for helping me to do what needs to be done...

P.S. My friends are in agreement that I deserve an intimate, loving relationship--they support my plans to separate from my husband.

'I refuse' kind of sounds a little selfish especially if your partner, like mine, has medical issues which affect sex drive. I love him but he rarely initiates sex. I feel like I'm his nurse rather than his lover. Don't get me wrong he is able bodied but fatigue and lack of libido are symptoms of his illness. Surely love is about more than sex- isn't it? But boy does it get lonely. Maybe my sexless marriage has an excuse or maybe I'm just giving it an excuse.

They don't want you, they only want you around.

I refuse to be a refuser any longer, but I'm stuck. With a toddler and a baby with special needs, it's not just about finances. I feel as though it's too late for me. At 36, with my baggage, how would I manage without a partner? It makes me so sad to admit this, that I've given up hope that my life can be any different. He says he wants things to change. I've heard it for 15 years, and what has changed? Even less sex. I read other posters' stories about sex three or four times a year and think "Wow, that would be incredible," then realize with shock how pathetic that is. I used to enjoy sex tremendously. I used to feel sexy 24 hours a day. I used to revel in turning heads. Now I fantasize about times long past, and how I might be able to find sex outside my marriage, but reality is that the logistics are impossible, and who would want me anyway? Would I ever even feel comfortable being touched again? It has been more than two years, and that was only for procreation. It has been more than ten since he actually looked at me during sex.

He only wants me around. But there is nowhere else for me to be. Maybe someday.

Stick around, and read the stories here. Your eyes will be opened.

Wow! Not much left to be said. I joined this group to find support in my situation which incidentally, is just as you have described. The thing I'm just now realizing is that despite the hurt and the pain I've experienced in this 14 year marriage, I have become content with having him around too. I deserve better. Thanks for writing this post.

Wow! That kind of says it all doesn't it?
Didn't realize it ....but I AM a refuser.
I refuse to see the truth that slaps me in the face daily.
I refuse to give in to my daily thoughts of leaving because he swears he loves me and asks me to stay and work it out, and give him a chance to make it better. But I keep waiting and waiting and I am inherently an impatient person....but still I wait. Waiting for us to talk. Waiting for us to discuss things. Waiting for us to address the growing number of issues. Waiting for all of his hand holding and kisses on the forehead and *** grabs and cuddling to turn into something...Anything more....but it never does. He is a good man, a good father to my son, a thoughtful man, even an affectionate man, but it never makes it pass the cuddling. He can hold and hug me all night, but never touches me with want or desire. I am - to the public world- an attractive and confident woman. But all that changes when I get home and the one man I want to want me does not. He refuses me. He refuses to admit he does not desire me. He refuses to admit he does not want me, but he refuses me anyway with his never ending cuddling. I am beginning to loathe cuddling. It's more painful then if he just rolled over and ignored me.
It makes me feel horrible for thinking of leaving this man who claims to adore me but just does not want to have sex with me. ....but if he cuddles with me one more time I think I might scream

He refused to be my champion.
He refused to meet my needs.
I was a master at meeting his needs, despite mine not being met.
I did anything to keep the peace.
He was happy.

I was sad and lonely deep inside.
Almost all of the time.
Eventually I wizened up.
And found a great excuse (which actually was real).

I also stopped meeting his needs.
He went into a shocked, vicious spin.
He was vicious on EP about me for over a year
He didn't know I read every one of his rants.

I ran like the wind.

He says he is happy with his new woman.
I hope he is meeting her needs
Because she is a very nice person.

Wow!!! That is the most honest real thing I have ever read! Thank you!

Wow!! and thank you. The last line really summed it up for me.
I have been existing in a sexless marriage for most of that marriage (6 out of 7 years). Prior to being married, the sex had slowed but was still okay. He is 20 years my senior and it seemed like a dysfunction problem. It didn't get addressed and then when it sort of did (he went to the doctor and got some pills), he hasn't taken them and the result is that I live like a nun (except with a prescription for antidepressants and a therapist). Separate bedrooms for the last 2 years. Every little thing he does irritates the hell out of me these days. There have been stilted conversations on the topic, heart felt and gut wrenching pleading on my part, anger, silence and eventually a closing off of my feelings for him. Self esteem = 0. Therapy helps a bit but I can't put my sex drive in a container and stick it in the freezer. I wish sometimes that I could. Hey. on the bright side, maybe I'll hit early menopause and then I won't give a damn anymore. Thanks for letting me rant and
thanks to all for posting. Our sad, dysfunctional lives keep the medical profession and lawyers in coin.

Don't count on menopause.... 20+ year relationship, 10+ sexless... I started menopause about 2 years ago and my desires are higher now then they ever were

Wow! This was a real eye-opener. That's it? He doesn't want me, he just wants me around. I'm torn because I'm a Christian woman who doesn't believe in infidelity or divorce (with the exception of marital unfaithfulness). I'm married to a sex addict who is in recovery for his addiction (at least to my knowledge) and we are trying to work a marriage program together. In the meantime, I have felt unwanted and undesirable for the better part of our relationship. I'm the one who is begging for sex all the time and getting rejected. It's been a few years (maybe close to three - kind of lost track) since we last had a sexual relationship. Even when we did have a sexual relationship, he would refuse to share his ******* with me (pretty pathetic). So I would feel pretty disconnected from him even when we were intimate. We have a daughter together and I don't want her to be raised without a father at home. I've put on a bunch of weight so that I don't attract other men - even though I still do. It's getting harder and harder to stay faithful to someone who seems to be more interested in lust and *********** than satisfying his wife. Yet he complains that I'm not working enough and that I'm not bringing in enough money to help him support the household. He still expects me to cook for him, clean, iron his clothes, and take care of my daughter while he spends the entire weekend glued to the television and ignoring any of my wants or needs. I tried to initiate sex this past weekend and was rejected in the usual fashion. But I still go on and take care of all of my wifely duties, work (while looking for more work), go to school, and take care of our daughter. When I'm taking care of myself, I'm pretty easy on the eyes (or so I've been told). I can't take the rejection anymore - my self-esteem is shot. I feel like I'm living with a roommate instead of a husband and I feel very alone. I'm trying to work on things with him but I'm losing hope that this will ever really change. I really enjoy sex - am I supposed to pretend that it doesn't matter anymore? Some people have told me that I have spiritual grounds for divorce because of his sex addiction and refusal to have sex with me.

Whoaaaa, all you men! Not all women are like that. I enjoy sex, but my soon to be ex controls when we have sex (rarely). And I have guys constantly wanting to sleep with me, but my own husband didnt want to. (I have remained loyal, btw). No sex between us is just one of our issues, which is why I filed for divorce. This was a great article! I am going to be more of a refuser of a sexless marriage;) life is too short to be with a selfish *SS!

You are all so right!! How can women be so awful to force us into these situations?

Please don't think it's only women who are rejecting their spouses. That is simply not true. I think most women suffer in silence to protect their children, so you never really know how many of us suffer the same fate from our husbands.

"They don't want you; they just want you around."

Truer words were seldom spoken. If I'm lucky we have sex three or four times a year. She complains about it but when I initiate, she *always* refuses. We only have sex when she wants it, and it's unsatisfying to say the least. She complains that I've become silent, but everything I say seems to cause her irritation.

I'm a well-spoken, professional, gainfully-employed, graduate-school-educated adult who has always, since our earliest days together a quarter of a century ago, tried to be a good husband. I have listened to her, encouraged her, sympathized when she was hurting, celebrated her successes, and more. Certainly, in bed, I have tried to ascertain what she enjoyed - I've asked outright, many times - to no avail. Everything I've done - spending time with her, long walks together, rubbing her feet, listening to her tell me what's important to her, travelling with her, small affection (not gaudy PDAs) - has booted me nothing.

So I've withdrawn from her emotionally and socially. I've extended a hand and had it bitten often enough to not do it any longer. I have, I'm afraid, become a boundary condition in her "I have a home and cats" view of the world. I'm background noise, only visible if I'm annoying. And I can't put up with that.

Recently, she screwed up and I called her on it (in private), and strove to be fair (no "you screwed up!" statements, just "Ok, here's the situation; I think we need to think about how to fix it"). Her response was neither a counterargument nor contrition, but "Oh, **** off and die." She didn't apologize - or rather, offered a non-apology ("I'm sorry, but...") justifying her behavior. I've thought about trying to talk to her about it but I don't see the value in doing so - it seems as though it's not a worthwhile pursuit.

It's time to divorce.
I'm making preparations to do so.
I'm paring back to essentials, selling off tools and other items, lightening my load.
I'm working on severing the last of the emotional connections; I have to be able to let go.
And it's breaking my heart because I miss the woman I married.
And there's really nothing I can do except stay and be miserable or leave. Neither choice is good. But it's the choices that are there.

Sometimes when you think you're helping,
You're enabling...
Sometimes they need the exact opposite of the pandering you are doing
Other times it really is time to cut and run.

I have been married to the most wonderful woman in the world for almost 44 years. We have had sex once n the last ten years and that was almost 6 years ago. She had three different kinds of cancer. Thankfully, she is cured now and there is no longer any excuse, but she continues to refuse me and has told me she never wants to have sex again. I did not want to spend the next twenty years in a sexless marriage as I like it a lot! I have never cheated on her during all that time.
The decade of refusals made me diminished as a man, begin to think something was wrong with me, too skinny, too fat, too hairy, package too small, not a good lover, unattractive in every possible way, I internalized it all.
After she told me she never wanted to have sex, I tried to figure a way to have sex without breaking our vows, so I decided to get a bj from a man, (another married man!) It was an amazing mind blowing experience. Since it was not a woman, it was not cheating right?
I have found MANY married me like to get together for sex. We all love our wives and our children and do not consider ourselves gay or even bi.
Men appreciate my body and my package more than my wife ever did. A mans self esteem, shallow as it may be, is often based on his attractiveness to others and particularly sexually. I have learned, I am handsome, have a nice bod, and a well above average endowment and am amazing in the sack. I am what is called a masculine top. I will not be any more explicit than that. I can give a receive tremendous pleasure this way. I am happy again to see someone else enjoy me so much!
My wife and I have been separated now for exactly a year today and have decided to get a divorce. We are very best friends and love each other very much and take vacations together and have lots of fun.
I have had a blast the last year and will continue to do so, now that I am getting divorced I can go back to enjoying women.
I have no shame, guilt, or remorse except why I waited so long.
We have been to many faith based counselors in the last 5 years, all women, and ALL told her to at least try, that intimacy was such an important part of marriage. I even went to a woman shrink and she told me to HAVE SEX!!! It was as important to a healthy mind and body as food, air, water.. So I am ,and am so healthy, strong, happy, positive, upbeat and energetic. And truly HAPPY!
I am not repulsive, not ugly, not undesirable, not a bad lover, don't have a tiny tool, believe me this is nice to know. If this is shallow and selfish to you, I am sorry, but have always put her first and all the counselors told me to think about me for a change, who am I, what do I need? It has been a struggle to change a lifetime (67 yrs old, but pass for 54) of addiction to pleasing others. That is just who I am. But am learning to be a little more selfish, and that is not necessarily a bad word.
Thanks for listening, sorry to rattle on so. But if it isn't going to work out for you and your spouse and you have tried everything.........................
..........GET OUT!!!!!! GET OUT RIGHT NOW!!! and run and play and enjoy and LIVE!

It's over
The horse is dead
No point in kicking it.

Yep...I'm at an early scene in this 4 act play....I'm just beginning to realize that she's only with me because she see's no way out that she can afford....I left her alone for years and then tried to start up intimacy again and she's not responding....I make moves on her and she physically acts repulsed...tried to kiss her the other day and she screwed up her face into a mask of revulsion and turned away from me while I held her. Made me feel like Quasimodo. Yeah....I must be thick or in denial...i spent the last couple of months thinking I could regain intimacy and a sex life with this woman but I now am realizing that she is not gonna warm all.BUT, the good news is that I look great for my age and there's a good looking, fabulous, interesting woman waiting in the wings for me....this woman wants me BAD....and I think she's awesome...but I'm trying to save my marriage first.....I think I'm being a schmuck.....I shouldn't waste any more time on the ice queen......should just drop her and start up with the other woman....but it's hard to do.....I'll give my snow-cone a little more time but I've decided to let the other one know that I may be available soon....OH...and did I mention the other lady is LOADED? Big problem is that it's a small town and it's gonna be SCANDAL!!! LOL!

you may have started to try and fix it too late my dear, it happens. I know better late than never but sometimes with women the damage is already done. Not to say it\'s your fault or her, you guys have just simply fallen out of touch. Maybe it\'s time to let go

Yes Filter, I believe you are correct because I used to live in a sexless marriage. Since she moved out I now live in a lonely separation.

I felt the impact of your words and the saddness . I did the mantra and felt overwhelmed and so sorry for myself but then there was the release. I feel I am on the edge of change.
Thank you.

Why do men choose women to marry who are not that into sex, but don't want to marry women who are into sex, and then complain because they're not getting enough sex in their marriage?

I'm the one you wanted to sleep with, but didn't marry!

Yeah, not that I'm looking for a husband - I already have one. However, now that I am having sex with other men, not a lot, but a few, I've seen how they've chosen wives knowing full well they didn't like sex, but they would be great nurturers of them and their children. Then, they seek sex outside of marriage.

I love my wife very much but she's told me point blank that she doesn't really care for sex. So when I've had sex with her I feel like I'm with a prostitute. You know, a woman letting me use her body to ********** with. The thing I like most about sex is getting my partner off. When your partner has no interest there's no point in it. She does want our marriage to be romantic, but without the sex. She's quite clueless. In three years my youngest goes to college. That's when I'm leaving.

wow very very powerful, also very true

keep doing what it was that brought u two together.... love each other, care for each other, do for each other, compromise, surprise them.... but most importantly find out what that person wants u to do and if doable then just do it if u know that's going to make u both happy..... its the little things that matter most to some ppl.. show some interest in that person and what they like doing that sure should put a smile on their face :).... but remember u two are a team, if that doesnt work then do what is eventually going to make u happy.. member u choose your own destiny... when u dont expect from anyone is when u are the most happiest... after the rain there's a rainbow

Yeah, I did that. Result: it got worse. Bottom line is this: you cannot make a relationship work by giving, giving, giving. All you do is train your partner to take take take. Might as well offer a sacrifice to stop the falling rain.

FilteringMachine isn't responsible for anyone's happiness. If it's not working, and everything's been tried, then it's done. There's no requirement that we need to be hitched to a cement block our entire lives.

This intrigued me. And I realized that I am a refuser all the way. As a 58 year old Christian man, I do not want to be divorced. God hates divorce, I hate divorce. I take my vows seriously. But my wife, also 58 and a Christian, is planning to leave me. She has said it 5 times over the past month and it is only because she cannot afford it yet that she hasn't. <br />
I googled "menopause and hatred toward husbands" and everything the men said in one of the first sites listed is exactly what my wife is saying to me, also. <br />
She said I never loved her. That's not true, I still do. She said she cannot trust me. I am one of the most honest men you would ever know. (And yet she opened her own super secret checking account this Spring and I have no idea what she makes now to help out.) She says I hate her. Now, that is wrong, too. I think she needs to forgive some things in me and remove the log in her own judgmental eye first. <br />
I think I am a refuser in every way that our friend said above. I just never realized this before. But I have refused to see that she just does not want me around anymore. There is not intimacy now, forget sex. She "has no problems." And she says she "has no hormones now. The heck with me. <br />
For two months it has been the silent treatment from her, which I cannot pierce through. She isn't even my friend any more. What do I do? At moments I just don't want her to leave and be divorced and at other moments I wish she just left and got it over with.

AMEN. That's what is going on with me and my fiance....


After read your story, i wish you know my story,

I am 30 and he 59, i felt in love with him 4 year ago when i met him in the building where i work.

I always said that he did not want to touch me because he afraid that one day i think he took advantage on me, ecuase he stressfull in work....and many many reasion, he try to keep an distance beween us, its make me crazy.

Beside of sex, he always treat nice to me as an old friend and as my father,
Recent time, he hav tomove to another country to work, then he called me every and just for sure i am still alive an no more. 3 or 4 week time he will come back to visit me and you know, we had very great time in sex toghether, he make lov to me, he kissed my body which he never did before.

And he still did not say that he loves me orneed me for his life.

You see, i am so sad and cant understand, but i cant give him up because i till love him so much,

Anybody can help me? I event cant tell anybody that hurt me because he is twice my age an he did not love me.

I fell so so sad,some night i cant sleep.

Well, filter I have read all your stories now and your insights are really amazing. I had already realized the substance of what you say here but seeing it in your words really helped me. Thank you.

Wow, you read them all? Glad to be a help, that is why I'm writing.

This year we have had sex twice, and that's because I tell him how eventually I will get tired and I don't want to cheat on him. I'm in this marriage because I don't want to be in a rebound relationship and being with him is like being single. We don't even sleep together in the bed for long periods of time. There is no affection whats so ever except the occasional "I love you" that he says to ease his guilt. To top it off I noticed I married someone who lied to me about who he was. I do not know the person I'm married too. What gives him the right to lure me into a marriage ba<x>sed on deceit. Is it even a marriage? It used to hurt, I use to cry because I felt unwanted, stupid, ugly, and now I cry because it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm scared I might be turning into a cold person, because I know I am leaving him when it is best for ME. Does that make me selfish? I see him as a room mate and when I graduate and find a job I will leave him and I don't think he deserves a heads up. Is that cruel? It's not like he supports me, I support myself and he does not provide for me at all so I don't see the point. I love him very much. He is the love of my life, but logic is telling me to get out. I am not getting anything out of the marriage, not financial, spiritual, emotional, physical, nothing. I am more concern about "Will this make me a cruel or bad person?" than anything else. It used to hurt so much that I think I am no longer able to feel anything at all except scared of turning into an ugly excuse for a human. Is that what I am?

I went to great lengths to be sure I did the right thing by leaving, to keep my personal sense of value intact. In retrospect, that was a gigantic waste of time. Outside of our heads, the reality is that no one actually cares besides yourself, they have other things to care about.

You're right. This might be the most revealing revelation I've read on the sexless marriage subject. I'm 54 years old. I went 19 months with no sex.....had it a few times in a couple of months before she decided to revert no sex for 13 straight months. We've been married for 27 years and I just don't know what to do. Leaving her will guilt me until my death.

Yes, but do you think her destroying your life grieves her for a second? Somehow I doubt it does.

she probably doesn't even give it the smallest thought. She probably thinks it's just sex and easy to go without because she can.

I am a 54 yr. old woman madly in love with my husband for 36 yrs. In our late 20's he began having les and less sex with me, rejecting me. The last dry spell was 7 years. 7 years. What is wrong with me? And why am I putting up with this? So confused.

As the wife being constantly rejected- I FINALLY had ENOUGH!! I sat my husband down, Told him it wasn't working... and that "He knew it wasn't working" and that it was over. He cried and cried like a baby, but it didn't make me feel bad. Since the divorce, I've been dating, and seeing people, and not being refused. I feel beautiful, I feel liked. You are absolutely right! My heart is still broken because I really loved my ex husband, but... I would never go back. Thanks for your insight.. spot on!

Can I ask you a question, because I am in a similar situation. What about your ex? Did he ever give a reason? I mean do you think your ex was just asexual? Or do you have to get to the point where all that doesn't matter, and you just have to take care of yourself?

The only thing my ex husband would ever say to me was " I'm messed up" I think he was not happy in our relationship, and has been fooling around on me. No proof, but for example he remarried less than 9 months after our divorce. AND after the fact I realized I did in fact have a STI. I did not fool around while married, but I was very close. The stress and emotions really mess you up. Ask me anything you want. :)

Thanks for sharing your experience. It is a very sad and confusing situation, but as I am finding out, not all that uncommon.

I keep coming back to this. It is very well-written and thorough. I appreciate the time and effort you put forth. It has grabbed me like a fist and won't let go.

This subject is on my mind - I am a new member here - it takes two to tangle and I understand I have been in denial for a long, long time. Even before my husband and I met 16 years ago. This issue goes much deeper than the sexless marriage - it goes to the heart of why did I marry him in the first place (even when the SM was an issue).<br />
<br />
I suspect it has to do w/ abandonment issues. My mother used to threaten to drop the four of us kids off at an orphanage (she had tremendous pressures - she herself was raised mostly by relatives and paid boarding arrangements). That was terrifying to me (and I suppose my younger brother and two younger sisters) and I am just now (at 58) connecting (and wondering if it's related) those dots to the situation I am in today. <br />
<br />
This is the FIRST TIME in my life I have ever spoken about that. Even now it makes me so sad.

I'm in a sexless marriage, I feel as though I am being punished, I just don't know what for.<br />
Every time it gets to bed time I feel empty, I know we will end up at opposite sides of the bed again.<br />
It is so much more than him withholding sex from me, it's intimacy, closeness, feeling wanted and attractive.<br />
Everything he does annoys me, the things he talks about seem trivial.<br />
I have wanted to leave him for 3 years now, but fear of the unknown keeps me here.<br />
If he does offer sex, I refuse, he has told me that he has no interest, I want the banquet, not the leftovers.

They don't want you-they only want you around. That sums it up perfectly! Makes me very sad as I think about the truth behind this statment.

He doesn't want me he only wants me around - mainly I think to pay the bills :'(

"But most of all, we refuse to believe that we are, in fact, desirable and good people. We refuse to believe this because they refuse us. "<br />
With all the verbal abuse I have been through, I lost my self. I lost 14 years of my life, A carrier that I worked so hard to reach, I don't believe in my ability to build a happier tomorrow. I'm just so scared. <br />
<br />
Thank you. Your words gave me the courage to take my first step toward FREEDOM, toward the right REFUSAL.

I think this is such a sad post. Whilst you are right in many ways things aren't always this black and white in some cases there are grey areas sometimes we refuse to see that as well. Unless we as the refused or the refuser accept that grey exists you will forever in whatever relationship experience that said feeling. It mostly comes down to a lack of communication a fear buying into a lie living a lie heart issues and sometimes just hiding behind something else so the truth can not be found. You sound like someone who has been deeply hurt by someone else much love x

Yep, it is sad. It is sad that my wife chose to throw our marriage in the toilet. It isn't always black and white - it just was in my case. It won't go on forever - She is now 2000 miles away and I won't go back. It does come down to a lack of communication. I have been hurt deeply. That is what happens when your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you: it hurts you.

I have no doubt about that my husband had to wait a year for me to go to bed with him after I had a nervous break down. I have a dark history and unfortunately it took its toll on me and then my marriage me managed to work through it because we wanted to. Im sorry you have suffered such a deep wound it isnt easy for a man to be without tha intermacy I know you need that from the woman you love and I hope that you find it with someone else

So true, and yet such a heartbreaking conclusion. :(

" They dont want you, They just want you around." <br />
<br />
Pretty much sums up the relationship I'm in. That short sentence answered so many questions. Time to get out and start new.

Yes I don't want my husband but I want him around, for my son, to keep the family together. I wish I can change this though... I wish I can love him again like I used to

How can you love someone when they hit you? Why do you want your son to have that as his example of being a man? RUN!

I don't know... I'm torn. I'm still hoping he would change, and I would too. If he hit me constantly I definitely would. But over 8 yrs of marriage he's hit me 5 times, once since our son was born... He never showed aggression towards me infront of our son. I am a Christian, and I guess I'm hoping for a miracle

Yes, one can get out but, it's often more complex. Yes, the children, the finances, even your partner or (non partner's feelings count) What if the partner just can't? How about your own guilt for feeling human.

You are is not just often, but always more complex. Personally I've experienced no guilt over leaving, but lots of sadness nonetheless.

I am 11 years older than, ( and I admire the way you stated all that ) I have stayed with someone whom has damage circuits, sad thing is I feel sorry for him and guilty, (will that ever end). I also knew this before I married him, 7 years ago this month. We lived together 6 years prior to that, so getting married to live together did not matter to me and I was in no rush, as I had some doubts. He pushed the engagement, the marriage, the wedding..then once he had me hung me out to dry..I thought and blamed myself for the intimacy problems we had and have, we are gloried roommates, right down to our own bedrooms, but he likes if we pull the couch out every night and watch tv, go to bed and watch tv in bed and sleep. I usually go off to my room. I am not comfortable sleeping in a bed with him, anymore...I am making plans to get out...I once had a very fulfilling sex life with my first love and never found that again, although I have grown emotional and mentally, I never had a relationship where all three were joined..disappointed..

sorry 11 years older than you it seems

That was similar to my situation, only my wife was the refuser.

I just do not understand, why or why I did not heed the signs earlier on and the fact that he lied about having all the same interest and that was a farce

I have no answer for you. I knew my wife for 11 years, and I don't think she lied, her goals just changed over time.

You seem to have such a handle on things. I let my husband sleep in the bedroom,I am on the living room couch. I miss having a husband so much; the terrible irony is that most men like me. Lately I can't stop dreaming of men. It's starvation and I am 49. I just want to go to dinner with someone before I am dead.

Lol, I do seem to have a handle on things. Actually having a handle is a little different. It cost me a great deal to leave my marriage, but it would have cost me much more to stay. When I started having thoughts like yours, I knew I had to get out.

I know

4 More Responses

This comes at a good time for me. I do not know how to save this on this I pad deal but I am going to get the lap top and print this out! This is real ! I appreciate you be able to articulate pretty much what I feel and if I did not realize it the light bulb moment is bright. I sincerely thank you! Kevin


Well said.

It is so sad to read these comments I now know more than ever how truely blessed I was to have be married for 20 years to a man that loved me and I loved more than life itself. We were soul mates. He passed away on April 14, 2012 and my heart breaks every day I have to get up without him. I hope that one day you all have the opportunity to find a love like we had.

Well done! Clear and true. Now, move on and leave this awful memory behind, except for that small part that helps you avoid doing it all over again.<br />
<br />
Look to the future and leave the past in the past. Dwelling on this episode will only weigh you down and sabotage your future happiness.<br />
<br />
Don't let her ruin your future!

iam in this kinda s told my man friend that i might not aways be there for him as he says do as i say or he cut me loose or kick me to the curb and will find other b that will he is a trucker d iam going with 0n a other trip to new yourk then when we get home iam cutting him loose when i told him that might find someone els he laught on the phone and said baby iam the best you ever had and you know it and you will aways be my ***** i cant let a man get a way with that can i some reson that kinda talks turn me on but it is over iam going to seek couseling and this time i can mean what i say. please someoe help me lead me in the right d with a group on ep that can lead in the right d

I was never married but in a relationship for 6 years which ended a little over a year ago. The final year of it was definitively sexless. I still to this day find myself wishing I had a partner while thinking that the next woman I meet will be amazing and treat me as well as I'll treat her. After reading this I feel enlightened because it reminds me that many other people hope for the same thing upon entering relationships and marriage only to find themselves in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. Now staying single is beginning to look a lot more attractive.

kudos. sounds like affirmative action to me. lovely that you shared your learning. Enjoy!

It's just what I've been doing. Refusing to make a decision. I remember him saying "I just want to be with you" and "I just want to be around the kids" <br />
<br />
I'm the idiot, I'm the fool, I'm so hurt and tired and in a state of despair but he seems fine going to work and going about life as though everything is perfect. And it is perfect because all he wants is to be with me and I am here. Not going anywhere, have no friends, always home and always with him. <br />
<br />
This information is a massive boot up the rear. What the hell.

We can fall out of love and Easy as it is to fall in love but if that Person is worth keeping around is it not worth making the Effort to "try" and resolve things Instead of taking the Easy way out and always running away from the problems in our life's instead of Facing them . We fear that we can never truly be loved ..yet its All everyone Really Wants ....

I never fell out of love with my wife. She simply made it impossible to stay.

"tdwytjwya"<br />
<br />
The phrase sums up even more. It squarely explains my position in my family of origin. My choice of spouse was ba<x>sed on the fact that he wanted me around more than my own family did. By comparison, he was at the opposite end of the spectrum. Turns out I could only see a small distance ahead.

I also refuse somethings often like I refuse to engage in a romantic relationship because I'm too young, I refuse alcohol because it could damage my liver, I refuse to go to a party because I don't feel the people there, I refuse to eat raisins because I don't like them. But sometimes refusing something which could be a good opportunity and its once in a lifetime could be very regretful. So sometimes, we should think first why we refuse something. Let's ask ourselves first, know whats the consequence if we refuse it, would it hurt a lot of people, would it make you sad, regretful, or angry? Then, make a wise decision and all goes well:)

Funny thing is that: "you refuse to take any of your sorry advice".(fact)

Not true. I left my sexless marriage!

Sack your research assistant blacksheep.

Wow! Awesome post!! Thank you for posting this.

Well said, Filter. A SLF-worthy manifesto...<br />
<br />

What is SLF?

The Sexless Liberation Front...a loosely assembled covert group of those committed to fighting marital sexlessness by any means necessary. Check out the group as part of my (gotta have a little fun from time to time...)

"We refuse to accept that we have the personal power to make the changes we need to be happy. " Fear! So true.<br />
<br />
Outstanding ex<x>pression of truth, FM!! Kudos to you for seeing reality and then acting on it. The action part is what a lot of us are procrastinating about. You're an inspiration!

"They don't want you, they only want you around."...very spot on statement..

Distance has made you wise

Zip code therapy.

Ah! My new favorite code phrase!

I do believe zs you were the first to suggest some zip code therapy to me. How's 2000 miles? :)

Hind sight is always 20/20 my dear Filter.

Hell yes it is! That's why I'm sooooo glad I got the F out of dodge.

Att all Newbies.<br />
<br />
Go back to brother FilterMachines first story, and read them in sequence.<br />
<br />
You will find it most illuminating.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.