How I Ended Up Here

I grew up in a fairly unstable family. There was physical abuse as well as emotional abuse and alcoholism. There was some really wonderful parts to my childhood, though, it wasn't all bad. But there was some very hard, dark times I went though. So when I was still 17 and just barely out of high school I moved away from my parents and rented a little studio apartment from a friend of the family. I went to some counseling to help get over some of what I had been though and it helped me learn to let go of a lot of my pass. During this time I dated and had friends and was generally a pleasant time in my life.

But then my mom caused a huge blow up with the friend who was renting me the apartment. Now because this person was a friend of the family she let me have the apartment on the rather cheep side. It was very affordable, and the only reason I could live alone. After the big fight my mom caused she (the family friend) came to me and said that while I played no part in the blow up that maybe it would be best for me to find other living arangments. She wasn't kicking me out or even giving me a time line; but I knew where she was coming from and as long as I was living there my mom was going to cause trouble. (Even though I left we are still on good terms and I still see her from time to time.)

I had been dating a man who lived about 90 miles away from me, not quite a long distance relationship but far away enough that we did not see each other all the time. We got together about 3 or 4 times a month and I was really falling for him. He seemed to be everything I had wanted in a man. He was smart, and funny, hardworking, the sex was great. So when the family friend asked me to move out he suggested I move in with him. He had 2 other roommates--a newlywed couple who I liked a lot--and we all got along well and it just seemed like a big adventure. I was twenty-ish and moving in with a boyfriend and another cool couple in new town away from all my crazy family just seemed fun.

For the first few months it was, but then my boyfriend started to pull away. It seemed like every week he got more and more involved with work/friends/role playing games or computer games and he was waiting till I was asleep before he would come to bed. The sex was almost gone, within 6 months of moving in we were having sex once a month. I was planning on moving out and looking for new roommates when I found out I was pregnant. (Since the sex had tapered off so much I had stopped using birth control and we were just using condoms. Bad idea) .

I wasn't going to keep the pregnancy/baby. I had not decided on whether or not I should have an abortion or go the adoption route when he asked me to marry him that he would change and be a good father and a good husband. We had discussed the sex and he said he would not be so distance....I agreed to stay and we had a quick wedding and move out into our own little house. Bad idea #3. Of course it didn't seem that way then, but hindsight is 20/20. Things were ok for a year or so and baby #2 came. But then about 6 months after our second was born he went back to his old ways and has not changed since. Over all we have sex maybe every 4 to 8 weeks. Sometimes we have gone over a year without sex. It's horrid as most of you know. And it's not just the lack of physical intimacy, but also the emotional intimacy as well. We get along like roommates, but not much more.

We been together now for 17, going on 18 years. Early in the marriage after our 2nd child was born I considered leaving. I was working on a degree in teaching--but before I started working our son was diagnosed with autism. It was a huge blow. I had known he was not developing as he should have been, but it was devastating when the doctor--after months of testing--told us the news. We were giving pretty grim news, the doctor felt we should do the "kind thing" and put him in a group home. He felt that his needs would be more than we could handle. We sought a second opinion and started a therapy. Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, Play Therapy, Music Therapy, sign language classes. I finished my degree--it took several more years than it normally would off, and I had to take out massive amounts of student loans to pay for it and his therapies. But I was taking my son to therapies and classes and doctors 4 days a week. We were told not to have any hope that he would even walk or talk, let along tie his shoes or be potty trained. And don't even expect any sort of affection from him.

But after years of therapy he showed improvement, he could walk, and communicate, (we still have trouble with tying shoes, but he can do it) he goes to school, and is potty trained. But ti came at the price of not starting a career. I don't regret it--but it has made me financially dependent on my husband. Only in the last 5 years have we been able to scale back on the therapies which has allowed me to work part time. Though I'm still struggling with massive student loan debts--and a teaching degree that is pretty much useless since I have never been in a classroom and due to not having my student loans caught up my college transcripts are frozen so I can not even prove that I do have a degree.

I'm only mentioning all of this because it is a HUGE reason why I have not left my husband. Believe me I WANT too so badly. But I feel that I have to put my children first. He is not a bad father or even a bad person and both children are very much attached to him. I don't want to destroy my family. And I don't even know where to start in finding a job that would support myself and two children--one of whom has a lot of needs.

But I crave being with a man so much. I did have an affair a few years ago. It was wonderful. He was a single man about my age and we got along well. I didn't want to leave my husband and kids, and he didn't want to take on a family. We both wanted an outlet for passion and sex. We had a lot in common and in any other circumstances we probably would have fallen in love--but we both held back. I don't know what would have happen to that relationship, it ended when his job transferred him out of state. We both felt that a long distance relationship like that would not have worked. so we decided not to communicate once he left. I was sad, and gained 30 lbs.

At first I didn't care, and didn't want to be in another relationship and since my husband didn't care about the weight either I just stop bothering about it. But now I'm feel like I'm getting to an emotional breaking point. I want to find another lover and I feel the weight is a barrier. I'm trying to loose it, but it is hard. Food has become a coping mechanism and a hard habit to break.

I hope this hasn't been too long. I have hardly ever put most of this into words and I find it is just pouring out of me right now.