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Thank You...

Hello,
I'm new here and have read many of your stories. It's all very heartbreaking, really. Thankfully I'm not in a sexless marriage. I am engaged and found this site while searching for information on my predicament. I wholeheartedly love my fiancee but the lack of sex is killing me. We found out 7 months ago that he has diabetes so I've tried to be forgiving and understand that he has health issues that may contribute to his lack of desire. I've talked with him about it several times, how it makes me feel and how it has to change for us to work. He's promised to talk to his doctor but still hasn't after 2 months. Even though I've told him, I feel he's clueless about how much this affects me. I've stopped at drawing a hard line and could really use advice. I'm going to confront him on this again soon and am wondering what a reasonable time limit is to give him on seeing the doctor. He's a procrastinator so I feel I need to set a specific date for this to be done by.

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories here. Before I found this group I was thinking that I could marry this man (even if the sex was rare) but I've come to understand that I'd just be setting myself up for much further heartache and a divorce down the road. I love him but little to no sex is a deal breaker for me.

ami1240 ami1240 36-40, F 15 Responses Jun 6, 2012

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So I've resolved to have the 'all cards on the table, line drawn in the sand' talk tonight. I've been obsessing about it all day and hope I don't forget any of the important points that I need to make. I'm hopeful, but realistic at this point. And very sad that it's come to this. Strength vibes would be appreciated!

Given.

Okay, I have diabeties, and my wife is the one who is disabled. So I suffer. Even with ED, he could do something to satisfy you!!! We are sexual beings, it is a part of us.



Yes I love my wife, but not being able to hold her, let alone make love to her is killing me. Is this how you want your life to be. If you marry him, you will be unhappy, and on the hunt for an affair, or a FWB, or an open marriage, or divorce or all of the above.



This is an awesome supprt group, we are real people. Oh, and none of us wants to be here in this group. We all wished we had normal sex lives.

Applause, applause for your decision to show him the door. Make sure you post again as soon as he leaves.

I agree. I wish I had taken a closer inspection of my relationship BEFORE the vows. You are being smart and pro-active, and self-protective...NOT an idiot.



It's a challanging decision to make. It ain't easy taking a step back and gathering perspective on a relationship you've invested so much time in. Don't sell yourself short. There aren't many on here that don't wish they'd taken stock of their relationship sooner.



In the end, the decision still lies with you, but the warning signs are flashing red. I'd at the very least put things on hold for now.

I think we should all stand up and applaud Ami. She is doing exactly what I should have done a million years ago.

Damn, that's right, my Atari didn't have internet.....



Lady, I am so glad to know that one woman out there could be spared a ton of misery because of the collective wisdom found in this group. Be mindful of what these folks have to share, they've given me hope that life can be fun again, and a healthy libido is a gift, don't squander it.

Thank you for the encouragement. I'm not done yet but I'm willing to leave if he can't meet my very meet-able needs.

Not to mention that a) diabetes can be easily managed with commitment to a certain type of lifestyle and diet. b) complications of diabetes are so much greater then simple lack of sex drive. If you marry him now (and he's not willing to put the work into controlling his disease) not only will you be sexless, you'll get a first hand experience of at home nursing care at some point....

"Thankfully I'm not in a sexless marriage"

POP!

Sorry to burst your bubble, but yes you are.

Don't get married, run!

Definitely sexless but thankfully not married yet would have been a better way to put it. Thanks for the slap upside the head!

... I really hope you take the advice that has been given to you, ,,, marriage will not solve anything, kids will not make it better, not alcohol nor medication, eventually you will run out of things to do and then it will be 10/20 years later, and you'll be kicking your own ***.

Is this man the best you can get?

Believe me, I dated a ton of toads before I met him and he really is amazing outs
ide of the bedroom. So I guess he's the best I've found thus far but I'm worthy of passion and will not live without it.

....Have you met Ron? Ron this is Ami, Ami this is Ron.

So keep the amazing stuff outside the bedroom.

Drawing a hard line is exactly what you need to do. Yes he has a medical problem, but your sympathises should extend if he is doing something about it.



He is not therefore it is his choice that you are suffering. You need to sit him down and lay all your cards on the table. Tell him what you expect and what will happen if he doesn't follow through.



If then he still refuses to do something about it you need to formulate an exit plan and leave, because it will only get worse as his age creeps up as well as his untreated diabetes.



If you think you are miserable now you will be a lot miserable later if he fails to address this problem and you tolerate it.



Stay Strong & Good Luck

Kind of a theme here with the advice. :) I'll be wise and take it. Thank you!

Quoting you here - "I've stopped at drawing a hard line and could really use advice"



Draw a hard, uncompromising, definite, non-negotiable line in the sand. And run the clock on it.



You will need an exit strategy in do-able shape should you have to deliver on your line in the sand. (and you most likely WILL have to deliver) So get those preparations under way.



Tread your own path.

After reading the replies, I see that a hard line is the way to go. An exit would consist of helping him pack, showing him the door and mopping up tears for awhile. We'll see if he mans up or not...I'm sad to think I'd have to deliver but will if necessary. Thank you for your wisdom!

Now thats more like it :)

If he's a procrastinator you need to give him as little time as possible. Giving a procrastinator lots of time is just giving them lots of extra rope to hang themselves with .



3-5 days on the outside, I would say.



And, yes, I'm with Louise and Chrissie: it's going to get worse with the sex[lessness]. Even if he sees a doctor now and gets some help, it will probably get worse. You may need to re-evaluate your choices - maybe it would be better to plan to be platonic roomies with this man than in a committed monogamous marriage.



It's not a good choice, but it will be easier and less painful now than deciding to leave him after 5 years of pain and suffering and possibly even a toddler confusing the issue.



best, -P.

Thanks, I was thinking 2 weeks but I think 3-5 days is plenty now that you say it. I am re-evaluating my choices now and will give him this one chance to rectify it and start meeting my sexual needs with regularity. If he's not able, I'm walking. I agree that it'll save me more pain down the road and thankfully I'm not so intertwined financially and otherwise that I couldn't make a clean break if necessary.

Ami, by all means remain a friend and helper to this man. But DO NOT MARRY HIM! Do NOT marry someone who would put off getting help for health issues for 2 months after you ask him to! Do NOT marry someone who, because of ED, feels that YOU do not deserve SOME sexual life - he has hands, a mouth, and toys, does he not???



Take it from me - feel free to read my stories, my H also has diabetes, although he did not when we married - this will NOT get better.



You MUST be worth more than the embarrassement he may feel asking for help, or he is not the man for you.

Haha! He does have hands and a mouth which he uses once I've told him for the upteenth time that I need some. I really need some rock solid c*ck at this point tho.

I think I'm worth it too...I guess I came here for confirmation that I'm on the right path. Thank you!

Hi Ami,



This is a good place for your research. A fantastic support community if you decide to stay, and also encouragement when you decide to go. Read the stores here, people have laid their lives bare for all to see.

It's very refreshing to have a place to learn and converse....it's very hard to talk to friends about this.

Ami, I think you have probably come to the right conclusion. If it is barely okay now, and you are already thinking about it and doing research, it will not be okay soon. You are very wise to reconsider. If he needs a deadline to take care of something like this at this point in your new relationship, he does not seem motivated to work at the relationship or make an effort at something that may be important to you. Obviously, something is keeping him from talking to the doctor about it for himself, either fear, embarrassment, or lack of desire. Good luck on your continued self discovery. Louise

Thanks, I think deep down I know I've come to the right conclusion but it's hard to admit since he's otherwise great. After reading from everyone here, great in all other areas is not enough.

Ami



Others will say this more forcefully than I can, but it will not get better. You are engaged to be married, he has ED issues owing to diabetes, and even at this early stage he won't go to see a doctor to find a solution even though you - the woman he wants to marry - have asked him to. I look at your age group and imagine maybe (forgive me if I am wrong) that you might be hoping for a child or children from this marriage. That won't happen without sex and even if it does you will end up locked in a marriage in which sex becomes rarer and rarer and you can't leave because of the children. My husband has CAD and is on meds which cause ED. I have asked and asked for him to see his GP to see if there is any other drug he could be switched to - but boy, do men procrastinate when their virility needs to be discussed.

Please, please rethink your plans. You need to be with someone who wants to have hot passionate sex with you. There are plenty of guys out there who are like that. If it's lukewarm even before you get married it will dwindle to nothing once you are. Read these posts, and learn from them. And don't worry about the social embarrassment of calling off a marriage or even the pain you might cause your future husband. You could be chained to this for 40 years - so get out while you can.

I appreciate your advice. I have a child already and don't want more so luckily my ticking clock isn't drowning out the voice of reason. You're definitely right with the procrastination. He did bring it up with his doc when he went in about diabetes but the doc said they should get that under control first before discussing ED meds. He's not been back. Ugh.

I can add a huge DITTO to Chrissie's story.
Don't start ordering invitations.