I Don't Want To End Our Relationship Yet I Hate Staying In It!

It sounds so simple! If you're not happy then just make a decision. But how? Because if you love someone and you have spent years of your life building a life together, how can you just leave when the going gets tough? I've started to hate what he has become and I hate myself even more for what I have become but I still stay. Everything about us or almost everything works but the intimacy. I've waited 3 years for him to overcome his fears or insecurities but still no progress. Why is he so bloody scared of the woman he claims to love with all his heart. I'm fed up, I'm tired, I'm lonely, I feel guilty that he feels this way around me. He won't leave and is adamant that it will be resolved. That feeling of being at the end of your tether, it sucks! Why the hell won't he just do something, anything, just a glimmer of hope could easily restore my faith in us. What should I do? What more can I do? The tears have finished, the anger is pointless, the patience feels unappreciated. I don't want a medal for hanging in there. Maybe just a little acknowledgement for existing. Am I shallow for wanting to be able to make love to the one I say I love everyday. I don't want to feel this anymore. I've become a miserable, angry, boring, nagging, monster trapped in my own skin. I want to be free.
Mylovestory Mylovestory
36-40, F
12 Responses Jun 6, 2012

break up and say i think were better off as friends.

I guess what triggered this was the comment about passive aggressive. I looked it up and things started to make sense. I don't know if it was directed at me now or him.

Just a few thoughts. At the very best, your spouse loves his insecurities more than you. At the very worst, he does not love you and hides behind them. The main thing is that he does not love you the way you want to be loved and nothing you have done has changed this. <br />
<br />
Love is a verb...its not unsubstantiated words. Simply being adamant on his part and hopeful on your part that things will change for the better will not make it so. It takes both of you to even have a slim chance and your spouse does not seem as invested in you as you are in him. He does not need to seriously consider change. Consider, he quite easily and cimfortably sits by while knowing you are unfulfilled, unhappy and dying slowly inside. <br />
<br />
As for being acknowledged for enduring your suffering, there is empathy here but also hard won experience that will tell you that we all have choices. Whether you choose to stay or go, it is your choice. You own that choice, no one else. The choices have their own measure of pain and we do not get to opt out of the pain. One life to live....its your choice how you live it.<br />
<br />
Take care

Just read the last post. Sounds like a classic abuse situation without physical violence. He has isolated you from everything and everyone you used to enjoy. Including your family. If they think he is wonderful, they are not going to appreciate your side of things. It will be as if they can't even see you. You are not boring, rather, it is the situation that is boring. Since you usually enjoy so many things, you feel, well, bored. Don't internalize that crap.<br />
<br />
It sounds to me as if coersion is present on a large scale. My suggestion is to gird your loins and start just one activity you used to enjoy. Be prepared for him to guide you away from it. Ah, but you say, he doesn't do that! Examine what happens and the reasons that are keeping you from doing even one activity. It may be surprising where it leads.

All I can do is offer my sympathies about your predicament, it is a sorry story to read. You have told your side of the story but what is his? If you have never had sex, as I read it between the lines, what are his fears and insecurities?<br />
<br />
If you have come from a background of male dominance, is that what you are used to, prefer? Are you waiting passively for him to come forth with solutions? He may be male but it seems obvious that he is not like your siblings. Perhaps that requires a different approach? If this sounds like old hat, I sincerely apologise. Three years of prevarication is simply no good to anyone. It's an awful long time to steel yourself to doing something you instinctively prefer to put off. A phobia and a half.<br />
<br />
P.S. I meant HIM in saying that, but on reflection it sounds that maybe you have your own 'phobias'?<br />
<br />
Edit: I have just re-read your previous post. It has not always been sexless. Were there any past incidents that might point to a breakdown in confidence?

I'm only miserable, angry, boring, nagging, monster trapped in our own skin when someone wakes my sleeping tiger (otherwise known as my over the top out of control ridiculous sex drive.....)<br />
<br />
Mostly at home I am quiet. (having made you laugh, I'll move on)<br />
<br />
I digress.<br />
<br />
I think the lack of sex and intimacy is the funeral march starting. I find it hard to say and/or believe that everything is just great thank you for asking. How can it be? I am far from any kind of expert on "love AND sex" - but I get both concepts separately.<br />
<br />
For me, it could be said, but there's just one too many disappointments I've swallowed. One too many times I've been rejected. One too many.....and it goes on and on.<br />
<br />
With holding sex and intimacy (unless your genitals suddenly fall off or disappear) is cruel and unusual punishment (which by the way is forbidden in prisons.....)

It seems that you Do have children, and had an upbringing where "girls" are second-best? Just inferring from your story...but why not show your children that they have a CHOICE in their lives? What a great role model you would be to stand up and say, "My circumstances are not making me happy and fulfilled, so I am going to CHANGE my circumstances..." I think (hope!!) that is the message my kids are getting from the fact that their father and I have split. (My kids seem happier to have 2 calm, rational, relatively happy parents, even if they are in 2 different houses...)

i'm going with this too gonebabygone...i havr two daughters and want to model that pursuit of happiness is a good thing. not frivolously, but after years of "trying", "working on it", "hoping" etc...i want to model that i can take care of myself...

We are all " miserable, angry, boring, nagging, monster trapped in our own skin" here,<br />
you will fit in just fine.<br />
: ) Welcome

You say "just leave when the going gets tough?" After reading your story didn't the going get tough *years* ago? My thought (I'm probably near your daddy's age and yes, I'd tell my daughter this) is that you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. There is a point in every failed relationship when one is foolish to continue. Perhaps seek counseling, but if I were you, I'd do it sooner rather than later. Just my nickle's worth.

I hear you. Last couple of days I've been looking at myself hard. I know I don't want this relationship. I feel sad that it's come to this. He's such a nice guy. But I'm still miserable. I'm working on leaving and thanks.

If he wont change you seriously need to start holding holding him accountable for his actions.<br />
<br />
My wife was the same, only when i started holding her accountable and not tolerating her shi..t was when i saw change. You need to do the same.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

What exactly did you do? How did you account her? How did you stop tolerating the crap? I feel like I've done everything but leave him. It's not just me. It will also affect the kids. I know they'll get over it but it's still daunting taking the first step

My wife cut off all intimacy for 3 months but the trouble began about a year before that. We had other issues too not just lack of sex. One day i had enough and just snapped. I relegated her to Roomate Status and told her so. I stopped paying all the bills, and made her pay half. (She worked fulltime as well but saved her money in a seperate account) I cancelled her joint Credit Card &amp; Bank Card, and retook possession of the new luxuary car she drove.

I would only support me and the kids and would not fill her in on my plans. However i was prepared to leave if things got worse and i told her so and made her fully aware that i would be contesting joint custody of the children.

Now things are a lot better. Still not perfect, and it took a while as my stance came as a complete shock to her and what she was used too but definately a lot more tolerable and slowly we are rebuilding our foundations again. I have found that if your partner wont change you have too be prepared too leave or else they think you are just bluffing.

Stay Strong &amp; Good Luck


.....you just gave me a great ******* idea, thanks Frustrated.

My pleasure Ocean. Now im intrested to hear your idea!

2 More Responses

You at least have not arrived here with the "everything is great bar the sex" line of thought.<br />
<br />
You know that this lack of sexual ex<x>pression is doing your mental state no good - "i've dropped out of studies, i've lost my friends and i've just lost myself all together. It's left me feeling empty, inadequate and worthless" - you say.<br />
<br />
Now the hard bit to ponder.<br />
<br />
He has some problem with sexual ex<x>pression. It could be any one of a myriad of "whys" this is so, but there are 3 relevant points to keep in mind.<br />
1 - it is HIS problem, and as such only fixable by him. Not you. Not anyone else. HIM.<br />
2 - if HE is not prepared to acknowledge and address his problem then the problem stays forever.<br />
3 - You are collateral damage to HIS problem. It is not YOUR problem as such. You did not generate it. You are con-joined in a problem not of your making. It is NOT you.<br />
<br />
The hard truth is that this is highly unlikely to get any better, and indeed is very likely to get worse.<br />
<br />
He might not have chosen to have the issue of intimacy aversion, but he most definitely HAS made the choice not to try and do anything about it. He owns that choice, and any consequences that flow from it in the future.<br />
<br />
And you don't get off scott free either. You might not have chosen your spouse to be intimacy averse at the get go. But the choice you have made to then tolerate it up until now YOU own.<br />
<br />
His choices, Your choices. They are the only thing that is going to help you work your way through this situation. Hard brutal choice. No-one gets a pass on choice.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path<br />
Addendum - this is a straight copy of my comment on your February 2012 story. It seems just as relevant now.

You're being harsh. Bazaar, we are only human with real feelings and circumstances. The concept of just making a choice without understanding how, why, what and when can be mechanical. I'm only human.

I know I'm an idiot!

I don't see where he called you an idiot. I know this is painful, but re-read, take a deep breath, then read again.
There's wisdom there.

Your not an idiot and Bazzar is not being harsh. In fact he is known for telling some hometruths. Read Up here and take it all in. You might not read everything you like but a lot of it will make sense.

I'm not suggesting that bazaar is calling me an idiot. Bazaars words were relevant then and also now. I'm referring to myself as an idiot because despite being told home truths I'm still weak! I'm weak to cut loose.

I like your comment here of understanding how, why, what and when. I think we owe it to our selfs to get these answers that are there. I feel if we reach out for professional help and do the work to get some answers then we may just possibly be able to reverse the situation. (if our loved one does their work on themselfs.) Bail on him without knowing some of these answers may not be in your favor if you end up in the same situation with someone else. I have made this mistake myself of bailing on my first wife and have recently learned that I am co dependent and now I know why things are going south for me in my life. It can be fixed. Will my wife fix her problem? I don't feel she will because she has been in therapy for a long time and I know her personality type. If I would have ran some years back I know I would be in the same dysfunctional situation with another. Good luck and take care of you first!

Baz - brilliant comment. At the end of the day, life is about choices. It is simple as that.

And MLS, although you may find Baz's comment "harsh", he is merely helping you remove all the emotions and hurts from the situation and distill it for you. Life sometimes is just that: harsh. Nobody likes it, but we all live. So will you. The question is HOW: how do you want to live? If you peel back all the layers of the onion that is your sexless marriage, it is about choices. Make yours wisely.

As the great poet Robert Frost says, "Two roads diverge in the yellow woods."

3 More Responses

Well you've joined the club... start reading because your story is repeated over, and over, and over again here.

I know it's boring and everyone's heard it all before but I needed to get it out there.

Oh no it's not boring at all, it is your life... just wanted to let you know you are not alone at all.

Z- you are absolutely right, and MLS, read on and hang in and you will find many people here who can help you through this.

I've found out reading everyone's "boring" stories made me feel normal and it was good to want and need sex/intimacy.

1 More Response