Update On My Situation

I recently posted about having an "affair" with a man in a sexless marriage.

As I noted, despite intense sexual, emotional and intellectual chemistry, we had yet to have actual intercourse.  A lot of fooling around and some oral, but nothing else. 

Taking the advice of some here, I gently approached him about it.  We discussed it at length, but there was no real resolution and he clearly "panic."

What I learned:  Despite all his talk, and playing the victim in his marriage ("Marriage is perfect.  Wife just doesn't want sex."  and "I haven't even so much been kissed in years."), I now believe that he had a hand  in the situation.  I also believe he has major intimacy issues.  He could have sex with someone with whom there was no emotional connection, but not those he cared about.  (Note:  Having dated a lot, guys, if they think there's going to be sex, they're knockig down your door.  They find a way to make it work.)

The relationship is over.  When I brought up a "sex talk," he more or less panic.  Sad, I liked him as a person.  But his issues were becoming the issue.

I am moving on.  It's been a heck of a learning experience and I think everyone who offered their insight and advice.  I'll know better next time.
ponnye ponnye
5 Responses Jun 8, 2012

Enna30, I agree with you when a guy says, "everything is great except for the sex" that he is in denial, and honestly never bought it for a minute. <br />
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It's easy to focus on sex and say "that's the problem" rather than work on things that aren't working. To admit that other things aren't working, you'd have to address those problems.

Ponnye, good for you! I think you shouild be proud of your ability to address the issue as you did, and to recognise the sub-text of his behaviour.<br />
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Just for interest sake, when someone claims that "everything is great except for the sex", they are usually in denial. What is truly happening is that the sexless issue has assumed such a large perspective, that all other realities are masked by this "elephant in the room".<br />
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It seems very likely that sexlessness was only part of this man's dysfunctional marriage - as it is in (almost) every sexless marriage.

Congrats for your ability to see him for what he is. Wish I had done the same.

Amyway27, I read your posts. At least the guy you had an affair with had sex with you. Note: Four months of a lot of talk and waiting for the right moment, mine never did, and I realized that it was never going to happen. There was always an excuse and waiting for the right moment. Frustrating.

Aw. I remember reading your post and idly speculating, "I wonder if..."? I wouldn't claim clairvoyance abilities but your sort of story has been told before and when you reflect on the dynamics of the situation it is perhaps not that surprising; lack of confidence, guilt-trip and so on. How easily you might have found yourself there if only the circumstances for you were just that little bit different.<br />
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The one great thing you could do for me and my fellow men is at least in your own mind park the notion that ordinarily we are all craven sex maniacs with permanently stiff dicks twitching left, right, up and down like a divining rod looking for the first opportunity. I mean there are SOME men like that but I seriously doubt whether they even make a significant minority. Let's face it, society makes it very difficult to think and behave like that. I know some guys like to be brazen by publicly exclaiming, "Cor, look at that, I would love to give her one", but in reality it is not an exclamation for their female victim but for their male mates. Otherwise it would be, "Cor, look at you, I would love to give you one". In other words they are being louche show-offs and in reality would probably run a mile accusing you of being an aggressive, forward, hussy. In the end most men can be just as unreliable in those stakes as any woman can be. But you know that already, right?<br />
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If you really wanted to do this and were prepared to engage in it on a no-conditions basis you would really not have a problem. But then you are just not like that, wired like that and you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that!

"I am moving on." The right thing to do. What is the point to have sexless lover?

My point exactly.