Permission To LeaveWe often seem to want to do everything we possibly can to save the marriage before we go. We sacrifice things, try new things, go to couples counseling, go to individual counseling, write letters, have talks, have reset sex, go back and try again, cry, yell, throw a fit, withdraw, hope they "wake up", talk about the problems, analyze ourselves and tell ourselves that the why will give us the key to what we need to do to fix the problem.
Something occurred to me today. None of that is really necessary. It is noble if we want to do all of that to try and save the marriage but if one person wants out of the marriage and acknowledges that whether by action, inaction or verbal declaration then the marriage is for all intents and purposes over.
I suppose that is why those who have managed to construct a new relationship with the refuser spouse have done so by tearing down the entire relationship and starting completely anew, even if it was with the same person.
My ex recently tried to guilt me by talking about another couple we know who are in a highly dysfunctional arrangement that both agree is not working - both are unhappy, they are biding their time waiting for some things to happen but in reality it feels like both are waiting for the other to fix things for them. My ex tried to say “and look, they still lay down next to each other at night.” And inside my brain started defending myself by saying “There is no worse HELL to me than what they are living right now.”
But instead I had a moment of clarity and thought to myself:
“I don’t need to defend myself. Even if I hadn’t worked on the marriage, hadn’t had the talk 50 times, hadn’t gotten us into counseling which he started no showing, gone into counseling for myself and so on… if I decided I simply do not want to be married to him anymore… even if he had done nothing “wrong”, I still have the right to say what I do and do not want. And I did not want him. The fact that I did all that was just extra verification. But in reality once the marriage was over and the love was gone, the rest was just going through the motions and proving to myself that what I thought I knew was actually true: I needed out.”