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Permission To Leave

We often seem to want to do everything we possibly can to save the marriage before we go.  We sacrifice things, try new things, go to couples counseling, go to individual counseling, write letters, have talks, have reset sex, go back and try again, cry, yell, throw a fit, withdraw, hope they "wake up", talk about the problems, analyze ourselves and tell ourselves that the why will give us the key to what we need to do to fix the problem.
 
Something occurred to me today.  None of that is really necessary.  It is noble if we want to do all of that to try and save the marriage but if one person wants out of the marriage and acknowledges that whether by action, inaction or verbal declaration then the marriage is for all intents and purposes over. 
 
I suppose that is why those who have managed to construct a new relationship with the refuser spouse have done so by tearing down the entire relationship and starting completely anew, even if it was with the same person. 
 
My ex recently tried to guilt me by talking about another couple we know who are in a highly dysfunctional arrangement that both agree is not working - both are unhappy, they are biding their time waiting for some things to happen but in reality it feels like both are waiting for the other to fix things for them.  My ex tried to say “and look, they still lay down next to each other at night.”  And inside my brain started defending myself by saying “There is no worse HELL to me than what they are living right now.” 

But instead I had a moment of clarity and thought to myself:

“I don’t need to defend myself.  Even if I hadn’t worked on the marriage, hadn’t had the talk 50 times, hadn’t gotten us into counseling which he started no showing, gone into counseling for myself and so on… if I decided I simply do not want to be married to him anymore… even if he had done nothing “wrong”, I still have the right to say what I do and do not want.  And I did not want him.  The fact that I did all that was just extra verification.  But in reality once the marriage was over and the love was gone, the rest was just going through the motions and proving to myself that what I thought I knew was actually true: I needed out.”
Changewilldoyougood Changewilldoyougood 31-35, F 16 Responses Jun 9, 2012

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You have my approval to leave.

Once you realize you are done there is no amount of counseling,guilt trips,talks,etc could make a person change their minds.They no longer love the person and that is the bottom line.<br />
I understand you completely.Thanks for sharing.

It was a very long way, till I got to the point, where I could well imagine myself out of the family home. If I divorce, I shall be living in near powerty, in a small rented flat. I shall be exposed to all tge superficiality and deception of the dating sites. I shall be lonely, unsatisfied. Yet, it sounds better than an unhappy marriage. Personally, I'm still trying, the wife is trying. But it's a liberating feeling to know that both outcomes are possible and I can make it on my own. I think you reached the same point. May you have good luck

It was a very long way, till I got to the point, where I could well imagine myself out of the family home. If I divorce, I shall be living in near powerty, in a small rented flat. I shall be exposed to all tge superficiality and deception of the dating sites. I shall be lonely, unsatisfied. Yet, it sounds better than an unhappy marriage. Personally, I'm still trying, the wife is trying. But it's a liberating feeling to know that both outcomes are possible and I can make it on my own. I think you reached the same point. May you have good luck

It is that cursed low self esteem that keeps us "trying" for so long IMO. Our sexless marriages have effectively destroyed (or seriously depleted) our self esteem. We no longer trust our own intiution. We no longer believe we have certain rights. We no longer accept that others may be to blame - we think it is "all our fault".<br />
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Even when we can intellectually accept that these feelings are not valid, they still tend to dominate our thinking and our actions.<br />
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Once you can arrive at this position:<br />
"if I decided I simply do not want to be married to him anymore… even if he had done nothing “wrong”, I still have the right to say what I do and do not want. "<br />
you can be confident that you are healthy (or definitely healing!) and on the way to reclaiming your authentic self. Congratulations CWDYG!!

I've been married for 8 yrs and have been feeling like this since our son was born 15months ago. I'm unhappily married but Im still hoping things would change

Well ya especially if you've done all those things that sum up over for a 20 year mark in most relationships. a 5-7 year mark had to do all that to save a marriage. It's not mind blowing for any Sagittaius that thier relationships dnt work.read about them.everythings strictly playtonic.lol..The reason being is they are the most selfish,unloyal,"histronics" of all zodiacs,in ther 80'sstill looking for love and on to the next,and on and on and on they are never satisfied or never will be. Besides will never take the blame or even ever acknowlege that ther is ever something wrong w/them.Content and satisfaction never will be in there characteristic,thier lame excuse is they are in search of it,and that is only making them smarter and open to learn.haha!sucks to be them...they camoflouge that they r happy but 110% of the time they won't be.have seen this all to many times with this zodiac sign.So more then likely they normally just get used,abused or misused due to thier ignorance to changing themselves first.

HUH??? I'm a Libra and I am like that LOL

Rated up, up, up!<br />
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I'm currently dealing with giving myself "permission" to be the bad guy. It's not something I do lightly or easily. I'm pretty submissive in most respects, and I know this will hurt him. Hurting others goes against my nature. But I have to hurt him in order to stop allowing HIM to hurt ME. So I am giving myself that permission. <br />
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I'm rooting for you, Change...thank you for posting.

I think we do all those things because we have hope. I hoped that things would change, hoped that my wife would turn herself around. Was I wrong to do so? Probably. Unfortunately we can't know these things in marriage. <br />
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But, through practice we learn many things<br />
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First marriage is good practice for the second, eh?

It is an interesting premise CWDYG.<br />
<br />
Personal opinion, in regard to ILIASM marriages -<br />
- "if", at the first sign of trouble, the ILIASM member had told the spouse, "**** you, I'm outta here" there and then, it would have been the right call. In 95% of cases, instead of playing out to the sad predictable ends we see here.<br />
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But, no-one does that (least of all me). We hang on desperately to the hope that ours is one of the 5%, that maybe / perhaps / possibly might somehow turn around.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Absolutely, and hope is our enemy as years drag on, and nothing, not one thing changes.

When your emotional status is a mess. You must fight anger and depression because everything that you have tried has failed to make even the smallest impression on a spouse that wants to maintain a sexless relationship, They do not care to even try. Then it is time to leave no matter what they promise because if you stay, it will go back to the sexlessness it was before. They cannot love you in the manner that you want and it is time to go.

A lot of the people on this board say that they still love their husband/wife, and they want to work it out. What you said echos what I am going through. I don't love my my husband anymore. There is nothing he could say or do that would change that. Being married to him is killing me (I really think it is). Time to go. How can they possibly think they can change and make us better? Thank you for posting. I wish I had the time and energy to do so.

Rated up and Favorite-ed. A lot of the guilt I've been grappling with over the last few years has been the fact that our relationship has been so eroded that I am simply just done with it. I waited and waited and waited (and talked to him) for him to figure out that he was over-medicating himself, probably addicted to his narcotic pain meds. <br />
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I didn't make the best choices as far as coping with the situation, but I held it together enough to get our kids raised. The very thought of continuing to live with someone whose actions and behaviors eroded my feelings for him is mind-numbing and makes me near-suicidal. <br />
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You are 100% correct. I don't have to perform mental and emotional gymnastics to prove anything to anyone. Even if we tore down the entire relationship and started from scratch, he's not someone I'd be interested in anyway. I wouldn't date him, and if I did, I'd sure as hell listen to my gut far more than I did 25 years ago. <br />
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Great post. Thank you.

We deserve happiness, not subservience

Absolutely.

Only YOU make the determination on how much to "work on it". <br />
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Some "work" for only a few short months or years, others, for decades.<br />
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You drive the process.

Agreed. I just realized I drove it thousands of miles past when I was really done in some quest to give myself permission to leave that I didn't require.

As I have said here many times, all relationships are different. However, when it starts to kill you, stab your spirit, you must leave. I know that leaving is a process, but that process can take, years = months, days, but it has to start. I wish you every strength there is.

Amen. When I realized I was dying little by little, I knew it was time to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

Ditto