Lets Try This Again - Thank You Take 2!! :)

It came to my attention that some ppl were having trouble with my original post so I am re-posting this and giving it another try :)

So I have been revisiting this site for the past few days.  I haven't been here in so long it almost seems like another lifetime after everything that has happened. My story last year was pretty similar to everyone else, how to deal with my suddenly sexless marriage after 17 years.  Last year was very difficult for me emotionally.  Reading the stories of others on EP really helped me to get through some seriously heart breaking days, and for that I love all of the people here.  I just wanted to thank everyone, those who share their own stories, and those who offer opinions.  I read back on some of my own stories and realize that often I was in such a defensive state because of my situation that I automatically felt as if I was being attacked from people that were only offering their opinions, and if I did that to anyone that might be reading this now, I honestly apologize, I was in a really bad place.

As for my story, my life has completely changed.  My husband and I worked through a massive amount of our issues and for the most part we are making our way back to the place we were before last year happened.  I am no longer in a sexless marriage, however things have changed.  I have forgiven him for the way he handled our situation, in fact I really love him for not just leaving me when he was going through all of those negative feelings about us last year.  However, somewhere in the process I changed.  I became stronger, I became more independent I think, it would hurt if he left now but it would not completely immobilize me like it would have at one time.  I love him, he is still my best friend, and our marriage seems to get stronger almost everyday, but there is something that is lost to us now, and I really do not know if that will ever come back.  That makes me a little sad, and I really hope maybe with every year that passes that little something will begin to rebuild itself for us.  I do not know yet, but I really do think that I am happy again, which is a step in the right direction.  I know this entire paragraph is back n forth between I am happy now, but a little sad at the same time, and thats exactly where I am.  I do not think anybody can go through what we all go through in a SM and not find themselves in some kind of peaceful place between happy and sad.  

Anyway, I just wanted to tell everyone here how much they helped me last year.  If I had not been able to find EP and others in the same situation I truly do not know what I would have done.  You are all such wonderful people and I hope no matter where you are in your own situation, you have found some kind of happiness.  I read someone's story that said "life is just to damn short to live so f*#@ing miserably", and I agree, so I hope everyone can find some kind of happiness in their situation.  

Much love, 
silenceofsolitude silenceofsolitude
36-40, F
7 Responses Jun 11, 2012

Thanks everyone for your comments. I hope that my story can give others some hope that there is a chance sometime.

You are effectively building a new relationship from the ground up. If you can, try to look at things in this way.<br />
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There are some things about that original relationship that you miss. Yet there is much about this "new" relationship that is much better than the old one. If this new one is to thrive and survive, then look back with nostalgia at what you are missing from the old one, but do not yearn and long for those things so much that they destroy the "new" one.<br />
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Try this analogy. You love some things about your old house, but in general it simply does not work for you. So you buy a new house. Things are MUCH better in the new house, but there ARE still some things you miss about the old one! (The laundry room was larger; the kitchen had more bench space.)<br />
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Now you can forever live in your new house longing for those "better" things from your old house, or you can choose to say:<br />
"Overall, this is a better option. I wish I could have it all, but I cannot. So I CHOOSE to enjoy and value this new house, and not to look back with regret."<br />
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BUT beware that there is a genuine tipping point. If your new relationship is characterised by "HARD work" at all times, then it is not genuinely better. If you both need to work HARD all the time, then, despite your very best efforts and intentions, this new relationship is not actually any better - just different. IF it gets to the point where this is the case, then you will once more need to re-evaluate and reconsider.

I love this comment. I also believe that we are building something new and in order for it to work we have to learn to let go of the old. My husband and I were very young when we first got together and we have both basically grown up beside each other. Like anyone who grows up we have both been through many changes, individually and together. We have a good friendship, and we have had a good life together up to this point.

Do I sometimes miss what we once had? Yes, a lot actually, but I also know as you so perfectly put it, that this new house is actually better for our family. There is a tougher structure and more room for us to grow in new ways. Even though the "old house" has some really great memories, we just outgrew it I guess.

So far, there have been more good days then bad, so I guess it's not always HARD work for us, but if it got to that point again I do not feel that I would fall apart like I did last year and to me, what I have gained is the most important part in all of this. I hope that doesnt sound selfish.

Thank you for your comment, I really liked the old house/new house analogy.

I am glad that you and your husband have found a way of moving you forward, irrespective of where it may be taking you. If you have become a stronger character, one that has learnt the means to cope better, then I think that is only appropriate, what I would call part of the growing up, or maturing process. It may be that as part of that process you have lost a certain innocence, naivety, being able to take things for granted.<br />
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Personally, I believe it is an important part of our personal development process, to face and deal with the bad as well as accept the good. Once you have learned to deal with the bad I feel it really is an opportunity to really value the good and not take it for granted. I also believe that the older you are before you experience one of those classic, telling, soul-jarring, psyche-scarring, psychological crises, job loss, marriage strife, loss of someone close, the more difficult you may find it to deal with, the fewer people may still be around that you can rely on to help you through it. And true, real friends are so important to that process as well, when the proverbial hits the wall.<br />
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All I can recommend is that you cherish it, warts and all. Perfection is just so uninteresting.<br />
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I listened to an extract of James Corden's blubbing acceptance speech for his Tony award on the news this morning. The one thing he said that struck me was that his partner had 'taught' him to say "We" instead of "I", "Us" instead of "Me". It struck me that when you clear all the blood and guts, or maybe dust and cobwebs away that is really the essence of what it is supposedly all about. Not that there shouldn't be room for "Me" or "I" some of the time. It's all about striving to find the essential balance. When you give up on trying to attain that balance that is when the sh1t hits the fan.

I totally understand what you mean about your relationship having "lost" something, and it feeling a little sad. It's that point in your marriage when that innocent, pure "In Love" time is definitely in the past, and you know you will never feel like that again with him. The way i like to think about it is that when that ends and you truly leave it behind, it creates a huge space to grow *into* together. <br />
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I know how hard the journey is, and I respect your strength. All the best to you!

Thanks for sharing. It gives me some hope that we can overcome the current situation.<br />
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So nice to hear from someone who seems to have saved their marriage. More power to you!

I am happy to hear (read) that your marriage is improving. There can be nothing bad about that! :)