Now Is The End...8 years. They weren't wasted. I won't regret them. But I would if I stayed.
I care about him, but I resent him, and I will grow to hate him. I will resent our son for keeping me here. My beautiful little boy would suffer for this because I would be angry, bitter, and cold.
I broke the news to him yesterday that I want to break up. There are complicating factors that will make a clean break impossible such as shared debts, the house, and our son. But I have to do this.
I've posted in this community in the past about whether or not I was doomed to live in a passionless marriage for the rest of my life. Some of you commented that I should get out as soon as I can. I wasn't ready to leave at the time, and I still don't know how.
He cried. I cried. I know that he loves me as much as he could love anyone. He would do anything, he said, to keep me from going. He would box up his computer and spend all his time trying to make me happy. He would learn everything he needed to reignite our spark. He would do all the renovations to the house and I wouldn't have to lift a finger.
I felt callous for feeling like he was an insurance salesman who only offers you a lower premium when you've already made the decision to switch companies.
He didn't think things between us were that dire, even though every month or every 2 months, I would break down and cry to him that I feel unloved, unattractive, and less than a woman. I told him that I felt I would be better off dead. And it still didn't occur to him to try to fix things on a consistent basis. I would cry, we would have sex, and he would figure that things were fixed.
What horrible, unhealthy, pathetic foreplay.
The difference this time is that I no longer want to try.
And I do not want to change him.
I care about him deeply, and it hurts me when he is in pain. But my dissatisfaction in our relationship has led to an erosion of our ba
The uncontrollable guilt is the hardest part, because it is me doing the leaving. He kept trying to stall me, to get me to reconsider. He tried bargaining, pleading, and sobbing on and off for hours. He texted me from bed at dawn when I was about to go out for a walk - "Please don't go".
Our son will be starting school in a year and a half. I don't know where he'll go to school. I don't want to leave our home because I can't afford to buy another one in a decent neighborhood, and it seems harsh to banish my partner from his own home. But it's either him or me. I need the chance to start over. And I would rather be alone than feel like I have to trade a life of passion for safety and security.
Every time I start to wallow in guilt, I have to remind myself of how it felt to be neglected, and how his passive resistance to fulfilling my needs made me feel like there was no way out.
There were excuses at first. We always had sexual problems. I left him once before, but when I came back, he was so different. He had grown up while I was gone, he was driven and motivated, he had been working out, and he was almost single-minded in his goal to win me back. It was exciting for a few months, though still erratic and not as often as I would have liked. I thought he wasn't attracted to me because I was the heaviest I had ever been, and I was unattractive to myself. However, I knew he loved me.
Then I began to fill that void with other interests. I worked out, changed my eating habits, made cooking a hobby, and lost 90 pounds. I was the fittest I had ever been, and I became more social and wanted to be around people because I was no longer ashamed of how I looked. But the more I socialized, the more he pulled away. I wanted to do active things like biking and dancing, he wanted to play on his computer because it was the only thing that could relax him. He said that he didn't want to fight for my attention if I didn't want to be around him. The truth was that I wanted him around, but he didn't want to do the same things that I did.
We had odd jobs, we struggled financially but remained a steadfast team, we bought a house and had a baby. That baby is now 2 years old and the stress has come down. And now I see what the next 30 or 40 years will look like if I stay.
The time is ripe to have another child. And the realization that he'd have to give a donation in a cup for me to get pregnant makes me feel so ill, so unwanted and unloved.
But yet he loves me. As much as he can.
It's not enough for me. I feel like a child, unknowing and naive about sex and passion. When people flirt with me, I feel awkward and nervous because I don't know what to do. I haven't been taught about pleasure except for what I've seen in movies and read in books. I know how to give, but have never received. I feel cold and hardened from lack of touch. I have never known a man who was focused on my pleasure, who could show me what I'm missing, who really wanted to be with me physically. And I don't understand why. I am a passionate person, I am pretty, I am driven and motivated. I am unselfish and caring. I am resilient and strong.
Why isn't anyone there for me? Do people think I am so strong that I can weather all of these storms by myself? Who is there to take care of me? He isn't. It's always me.
Now I'm leaving to be alone. I have no one, no family to lean on, only a few friends who can provide emotional support.
But yet, I feel