I Made Vows For Forever And Don't Know How Much Longer I Can Hold On :(

You say you take your vows seriously....there is a family now... you need to do whatever it takes counseling, medical intervention, honesty, love, toys..... to make it work. Dont give up hope.

I find this thread very interesting. The fact that some believe neglecting physical touch and sexual intimace in marriage relationship is failing to uphold vows. I have felt guilty in thinking so myself for years. In my case I experienced the neglect from my wife for the better part of past 7 years. When I think back she never really put much emphasis into that physical aspect of marriage. I mean we've had an active sex life, but usually I always initiated contact. Over the years it's became a chore for me and eventually I just grew tired of working for it. Something changed and I actually began to feel dirty, unwanted and like something was wrong with me. As it turns out it was the one thing that I most craved from her. I now know it wasn't me but something in her. What's sad is that since we seperated she seems to see clearly and is trying to make up for it now but sadly it may be too late. I don't want to be a second thought. It's like she's saying wait if I'm gonna leave over it ok let's do it. That feeling just doesn't ring genuine with me. I wonder what many of you think about that.

Oh what to do!!!

I admit I haven't had time yet to read everything here, but just wanted to say I really understand your plight, and feel exactly the same towards my wife.

May I ask how you are going on the religious factor? I was brought up in a highly religious family, but have now given it all up, Best thing I ever did!!! Life experience has taught me how damaging it can be!

It's almost cliche how many people (men and women) deal with this issue. It is something that weighs on me everyday.

I am very sorry you are going through this. I myself, have been living in a sexless or near sexless marriage for the last 7 years. I love him with all my heart, and he is my best friend. I am not going to cheat on him or leave him. We aren't religious, so the religious implications aren't there about divorce, marriage, and sex in my situation. But it takes such an emotional toll to be rejected in this way. Although I have no practical advice (I wish I did), I just wanted to say I hope things work out for you. :)

Clearly, you have been thinking about this a lot.



Him, not so much.



Just as clearly, you stand ready to embrace anything that might improve the situation. Just as clearly, his enthusiasm for a potential improvement ain't so whole hearted.



It is YOU who have had to drive this process forward. His involvement being re-active, certainly not pro-active.



I think you know, down deep, where this is going, and you are going to fight like hell to avoid that outcome you fear. As have we all.



Comes a time when facts have to be faced. For you, that time is NOT now.



That time WILL come. Prepare as best you can.



Tread your own path.

Have you ever considered that he may be embarrassed because of this issue, and that's the reason why he doesn't follow through with getting help? Your husband is a typical male and has pride, going to a dr or anyone to discuss his lack of feeling is quite humiliating to him.



Give him time, be patient, you as his wife need to calm the humiliation within him and when he feels confident then you both go to discuss it with a Dr.



In the meantime, he's your husband and you should be supportive.



GOD Bless

I just want to comment on his inaction. You'll see this with just about all of us in this situation. A lack of sex drive and desire is a difficult thing to even want to correct because they can go on living perfectly fine without it. When you don't have it, you don't feel like you need it, and outside of making your partner unhappy it largely does not affect your life. This is why they almost always do the bare minimum to satisfy their partner. This is why they will continually say everything is 'fine'. This is why they never really go to the doctor or therapist or do whatever else is necessary to enact change. Face it, people are generally pretty lazy. When we are comfortable or used to a situation, we have little reason to try and enact change. Change is scary and change is work. The only way to start getting him to change is to continually increase the level of seriousness of this issue unfortunately. You have to shake things up and outline serious consequences AND be in a position to follow through if necessary. If you're determined to try and get some results here outside of a separation, you need to start there.

It doesn't make him too sad that it makes you sad, or he'd do something about it.

Ana

In many of the prominent Christian, Jewish and Muslim denominations, refusal to have or the inability to have sex is grounds for dissolving the marriage. It is a very serious matter because the perpetuation of the God-fearing species depends upon us-folk reproducing and bringing more believers into this world.



Consult your pastor.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating, that sex is 5 percent of a marriage when it's good, and 95 percent when it's bad.



Sorry that you had to join in our club. But I don't see how he can say you are *pressuring him* when you've only had sex once in five years. (which is where I'm at time-wise, too).



I wish I had all the answers, but we all deal with it in our own way, in our own time.



Oh...and BTW, ANA, let me know when Fifty is available. Laters. *huge grin*.

From what you describe, there could be any number of things going on with him, psychological and physiological.



I'm not religious at all, but I've read enough to know that it can result in an unfortunate and unnecessary stunting of sexual potential in some folks. Not due to religions or their scriptures themselves per se, but often the way some people or groups or families choose to selectively [mis]interpret them. Lots of shame, guilt, repression, etc. I don't know if there's any of that going on with him, and it would be presumptious of me to assume one way or the other.



On the other hand, it sounds like he's historically had problems with confidence and performance in bed, something both of you are aware of and have discussed openly. I don't know how or to what extent it affects women, but for men that can trigger a negative and defeatist downward spiral. Nothing worse for a guy than the feeling that you don't fully satisfy your woman. Don't quickly turns into can't. Coaching a man on how to be a better lover can be a VERY delicate operation indeed where many men are concerned. You can't just let things go, because he'll think everything is great and never get any better, but you have to broach suggestions for improvement gently. Criticisms should be bracketed by and not outnumber compliments, even if you have to bend and stretch the truth just a little to achieve the desired results. Multiple treatments may be required to get the point across, etc., etc. Positive reinforcement works much better than negative.



I also get the impression that he may be a little intimidated by you sexually. Many men aren't prepared for and don't know how to deal with a woman with a high sex drive, especially when it exceeds their own. We're acculturated to think that's not supposed to happen, but it does. There's plenty of evidence on this board alone.



From a physiological standpoint I would suggest the usual suspects, low Testosterone causing his sex drive to be low, or ED which he's avoiding due to embarrassment. If this is what's going on he needs to get to a physician asap, and if he resists you will need to force the issue. I don't recommend gentleness in this case, but a swift kick to the seat of the pants, repeatedly if necessary until he takes action.

My reflection, just for the moment is that you are a very emotional person and that you husband is not. You say that despite the lack of sex he is very loving, yet do you get a sense that even that is reserved, controlled, managed, carefully handled? Would you say, overall, that he is an inhibited personality, someone who normally thinks before he reacts?



At face value, I would say that the problems in your relationship are too far gone, too deeply established to actually turn things around, especially if he has an over-simple, fatalistic attitude to it. But, you know what, ultimately that could well prove to just be a load of bullsh1t if only the circumstances were just a LITTLE bit different.



I am convinced that I could behave in the way that your husband does, but I wouldn't necessarily leave it at that. If I liked someone, for whatever reason, I could and would be prepared to put myself consciously on the line to please them because in doing so I could get so much satisfaction from the sense of service, or giving. You might find that odd, but I would not, just that it would be something that you would not maybe readily identify with. The trick, though, that you would have to convince yourself of is that the way I would behave would be 'authentic' enough, albeit authentic in a way you don't normally have an affinity with, for you to accept it.



Let's face it, even if a man does not instinctively run around with a hard-on looking for 'it' at a drop of the hat, given sufficient motivation and opportunity he can force himself to erection and do what is necessary, notwithstanding physiological complications. Not only do you need to have the motivation but you also have to have the imagination to put yourself in the putative scenario, along with your partner. That requires positivity of thought, enthusiasm, relishing the self-challenge as well as the compassion towards your partner. That in itself may require imagination. Is your husband a dreamer, schemer, fantasizer? If he is devoid of that then he is in trouble and so are you.



As a complete aside, I have been wondering recently whether a life-time of using **** may be one of the factors that can kill both fantasy and yearning simply because it is always available. I'm not suggesting that is an issue with your husband, hence the aside, but if it were to be true, it would be a problem with **** of a different type altogether.

Since you talked about religious beliefs here you go- 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 Paul advises, "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." Essentially this says that neither partner in a marriage has a right to deny sex with the other, except if they both make a mutual agreement to abstain for a specified period of time for prayer and fasting. This means a short time, because it is not likely one would or could reasonably continue a real fast for long periods. If he is eating meals then Paul says he should not deny you. One would be tempted to say "deny any reasonable request for sex," but Paul doesn't even put that limitation.

I am not clear whether you are saying that he denies you this right in order to teach you that you must love God more than you do him. If that is so, he is going about it the wrong way. Very soon it will be easy for you to love God more than him because your love for him may be so little. Besides that, how can he ask you to love God more than you do him if he does not show a love of God by showing love to his own wife? God has commanded him to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25), and, as Paul said, part of that love is not denying her those things which are a right as part of the marriage.

Please see a qualified counselor, and try to get him to join you. It would not be right to see a marriage fall apart if it can be kept together just by following the scriptures. If not then leave and never look back....

Yep. Hubby has already broken his vows and you now have to decide what you are going to do about it. There are basically three choices... stay and get used to it... it never (extremely rarely) gets better, leave, or outsource.

1. Can you imagine putting up with this for the next 40 years?

2. Leaving a comfortable existance and traumatising your child won't be easy.

3. Getting this one past your religious beliefs won't be easy... it might be do-able if hubby agrees to it before-hand.

Tough choices... best of luck!

-----"I have always taken the vows I made to him in our marriage seriously"



Most people do.



However, with that said, the vows of "till death do you part" can be taken any which way you want them to.



Such as this: a long term sexless marriage can be considered dead - so, since the marriage is dead (but not the actual spouse) the "death do you part" has already happened.



Anyway, I recommend you keep reading on here.



Be prepared for your thinking to change. You won't put this genie back into the bottle again.



You won't last another 30-40 years. The marital envrionment that has been established by the lack of intimacy (coupled with HIS disinterest) is NOT conducive for long term marital success. This set up guarantees failure.



Best plan on big changes coming sometime in the future.



You are here. That, in and of itself, is telling.

Welcome to ILIASM. No, you're not alone, and you certainly aren't the only woman in this situation. Approximately half the members here are women. Stick around, read lots of stories, and post again if it helps.



As for the life-long vows ... I felt that way too. But there are limits. ILIASM member Fatherof2 wrote this: "For better or worse does not mean that one person can pi$$ in your corn flakes every day and you have to eat it. The intent of the vow is that when bad times comes you stick together and face the hardship shoulder to shoulder. If your partner is not doing this then they have broken their vow. "