Where Do I Go From Here?

Have you tried a sex therapist since you posted this story? After going to a regular psychologist a while back, my wife went to a sex therapist a few times and did not find her that useful. She initially went herself and the therapist told me to come too. Basically I just vented and wasted time that could've been spent talking to her. We're looking for someone new but there isn't exactly a huge pool to choose from where we are. I found it can be so draining constantly trying to push her to take charge of this and try to fix it on her own. It's always up to me to find someone to go to, make the appointment, and so forth. After going I did finally accept that my wife doesn't know why she isn't attracted to me. If your husband is so unwilling to communicate it might be worth it to try a visit. Even if he won't fix himself you might get closer to figuring out the why, even if doing so is a waste of time.

You can chase the "why" he is intimacy averse to you up hill and down dale til you are totally exhausted. Then do it again. And again. And again. He will continue to watch on, bemused, no idea what the fuss is all about, as the relationship 'as is' suits him just fine.



Your result will be as it has thus far already been. A spouse still as intimacy averse to you as when you started the fruitless "why" chasing.



The problem is his, and needs to be handed back to him in toto. In full.



That passes the obligation of choice squarely back on him.



He either does 'something' or he does 'nothing', and that then passes the obligation of choice back to you. And YOU will need to be able to make an informed choice. To make an informed choice, you need relevant information.



A divorce lawyer in your jurisdiction would be able to provide said information.



The landscape of choice is a hard and harsh place. But you don't get a pass on it. No-one does. Not him, not you.



Tread your own path.

" I realize I am not the selfish, sex crazed, petty person I have been made out to be."

"He is kind and softhearted. He has so many positive attributes." "He says he wants to have sex with me, but there is just too much emotional baggage, or he's too tired, or too stressed out." "Do I stay married to my best friend..."



I am personally confused...

Do we call person our best friend if he brainwash us to feel selfish, sex crazed and petty, while we are just being normal an healthy?

Am I wrong of not seeing this person kind and softhearted,but cruel and manipulative? Am I wrong not believing somebody telling me wanting to have sex with me but not having it for long-long time?

What I hear from what you say, put together, is a conflict avoider. Conflict is a profound phobia to him, because he does not know how to handle it. In fact he fears it, the very thought of it makes his blood run cold. He fears the stress, the anxiety, the pain of conflict. He can anticipate the panic. It is not that he not an emotional person, the very opposite in fact. He just doesn't trust himself. He neither has the confidence or the self-esteem or the skills or the experience that would allow him to let go of his feelings yet at the same try to manage them. He really has no idea what that involves and it scares him, it scares him as to what dark places it might take him. He lives in fear of that. He knows that but yet cannot move beyond it, even with your support. He cannot just let go, even knowing rationally that the one person he needs to be able to let go with is his closest and most intimate partner. Instead, he prefers instinctively to run away.

Leave him and start looking at other men.



Call a divorce lawyer.

-----"learn to love myself"



Since you wrote this, this means you don't love yourself right now.



You have to learn how to do that REGARDLESS of your relationship status.



I would recommend you start at that. With YOURSELF.



After you get the most intimate relationship you will ever have - with yourself - right, then, and only then can you begin to look at the marriage to see what you might be able to contribute.



Bear in mind that once you start loving yourself more, you will look at ALL your relationships with a different, more aware eye.



And it doesn't mean those other relationships will continue to remain in your life. Your standards will probably increase and you will be more discriminating in whom you allow into you life. You will start to want to be with people who add value to your life and not subtract value. This include spouses too.



Changes are coming, be prepared. Learn to love and value yourself first.

To paraphrase Louis B. Mayer (of MGM): "If he doesn't want to find you attractive, you can't stop him...."

I was struck by several things in your story. First as to:

"There must be something wrong with the way I look"

"I'm unattractive"

"I need to lose a few pounds"

"I don't dress sexy enough."



I suggest the question to answer in order to answer these questions is – Have you changed markedly from the person he fell in love with and married? Aging and life realities aside, if you have “let yourself go” then that is worth examining.



He seems to have fallen in love with your breasts as they are (also no hair extensions required) IMO. A breast job will be a band aid on the real issues.



“I cannot change the way he feels towards me.” – Sure you can - input creates a reactive response in his brain. If you change what you do he will change the way he feels towards you. For example if you hit him in the head with a dead iguana every night when he sleeps – he will look at you differently. Seriously his brain will react to the input – both emotional, visual and aural that you provide. He will not love you for who you are (or have become) – he will gain feelings of love from input that is brain equates to love. Now being up late with a dead iguana may not be worth the effort "that is just not me" - I digress. His needs may not fit who you chose to be based on your world view of being an emotionally and physically healthy person.



“He says he wants to have sex with me,” [maybe but maybe in the abstract versus the real]

“-but there is just too much emotional baggage,” – RED FLAG -- like what?

“or “he's too tired, or too stressed out.” Well I’d guess he is 1) lying or 2) has a physical problem or 3) “Prefers computers” – or something else.



With all respect – a one sided "relationship" is a story told by one side. If you choose door number one of your described choices – then you might sit and think what his story would be mustering as much love and care for his opinion as you have. Could he start a time line where you were the refuser? Are his tastes and expectations in bed truly equivalent to yours? Would he talk about control? Nagging? Not being appreciated? -- He may be full of crud by any standard and that is OK for this exercise. But if you elect to stay you would be well ahead to really examine what he is feeling as best you can.



Best to you.

I feel so much for your situation, and have been living in a sexless or near sexless marriage for the last 7 years. I am so happy to hear that he is open to counseling and divorce and leave him were not your only replies. I too choose to stay. My hubby isn't going to counseling, but at my insistence did at least see a doctor to rule out a physical illness. The situation with me unfortunately, has not improved.



I wish you the best and that you and your mate find the happiness and satisfaction you deserve. :)

Oh, and one more comment: you can be kind, but still insistent. Tell him that sex and intimacy will NEVER stop being important to you. Tell him that you will not live this way forever. He needs to know that it's unacceptable for him to avoid dealing with the emotional baggage. He needs to know that you are dedicated to your own happiness-- and if he refuses to rebuild his connection with you, then you will do whatever it takes to stand on your own two feet and create a happy life for yourself.



He can choose to stick with you and grow, or he can freak out and refuse to change. But either way, you'll be true to yourself.



Do this NOW... Don't wait for years, the way some of us have mistakenly done!! Live without regrets!!!

I encourage you to keep searching for the way to improve your marriage. Many members of this group will come along and insist, "He does not love you," and "Get a divorce, before you waste too many years," etc. But I say: if this man really is your best friend, kind and softhearted, then it's worth the effort to fix the dynamic between you.



He is probably being truthful when he says there's too much "emotional baggage." He is likely withdrawing, and feeling sexually blocked, because he has negative feelings that he will not openly express. This is not about how attractive you are, or how much he loves you. This is about an unhealthy relationship dynamic that is fixable, if you are both willing to learn and change.



Don't let him get away with sabotaging your marriage. He is taking the easy way out, by denying that sex and romance are important, so he doesn't have to deal with the "emotional baggage."



Find a qualified marriage counselor, and if possible, go together-- but even one partner getting counseling, can help. Or find a good book about rekindling sexual intimacy in marriage. Or both. Also, you may have to take a good, hard look at your own habits and behaviors that aren't optimal.



It is NOT your fault that he has chosen this path. But it is your responsibility to stand up for the happy life that you want.

Out.



Get out.



I still, no matter how many state or allude to this idea of staying "for the kids" might never understand it.



Even though my folks hugged, I knew and I sensed that something was amiss. I knew their marriage was (and is) dead. I knew it was all for show, an act. Being too young, back then, I had to idea as to why they stuck together, only that it taught me that: Once you marry, no matter if he slaps you or ignores you or cheats on you or emotionally wholly ignores you -- you *stay with him* (or her hehe).



Where, in there, is the good idea?



I might never understand this staying for the kids idea, which it seems you've alluded to in here.



And, in my experience, it's not just a matter of "he's so nice save for lack of sex/passion/etc". You mean he's nice, save for the fact that he knows you're tortured about this and does nothing about it?



He's nice, save for the fact that he knows your soul cries out, is anguished, that you're longing for some kind of reciprocated love and affection, all of which he could provide, *if* (mighty if) he sought some kind of remedy, but doesn't?



He's nice, though you sometimes cry yourself to sleep - and likely he knows this - yet does nothing to help the situation?



Where, in that image of your torturer, is a nice person? I don't see it.

Could have been me writing this. Do you talk about it with him?