Where Do I Go From Here?
As I read through the stories here, I realize I am not the selfish, sex crazed, petty person I have been made out to be. I want to love and to be loved, to feel passion, and to have a healthy adult relationship with my husband. I too have begged, cried, and pleaded for him to show me romantic love. How stupid of me to think I could convince him to love me a certain way. Why would I want the affection of a man who so obviously doesn't want to give it to me? I feel trapped and isolated. We have a wonderful little boy. I can't bear the idea of leaving my husband and my son growing up without us parenting him together. He is an amazing father. He is a wonderful provider to us. He is kind and softhearted. He has so many positive attributes. If I just had a magic wand that I could wave over him to make him feel the passion for me that I have felt for him for so many years.......but there are no magic wands. He is the way he is. He loves me the way he does. I cannot change the way he feels towards me. For 10 years I have felt like there is something wrong with ME. I have thought "There must be something wrong with the way I look," "I'm unattractive," "I need to lose a few pounds," "I don't dress sexy enough." I can't look in the mirror without picking apart every little flaw, and thinking "If I just did this or that he would find me attractive." I have considered a tummy tuck and a breast job. He assures me that he finds me attractive. He says he wants to have sex with me, but there is just too much emotional baggage, or he's too tired, or too stressed out. There is always an excuse. I have to come to terms with the way things really are. If he really found me attractive....if he really wanted to have sex with me, he would! So now I have a choice. Do I stay married to my best friend, live in our beautiful home, raise our son together, and forever be without the love and passion I so deeply desire? Or do I leave him, go out into the unknown, and learn to love myself and heal the emotional scars that this selfish, one sided "relationship" has caused?