Miserable And Confused But Don't Think I Can Live Like This Anymore...

Very moving story. I have a question though. Do you know why you told him about the affair? Why didn't you just enjoy it and keep it to yourself? When my wife strayed 6 years ago, she decided to tell me all about too. I've always kinda wondered if she told me because she was guilty, she wanted to hurt me, or what. Curious.

"He has kept promising that he will see his GP about the erectile problem (a change of meds would help I think) but keeps putting it off, and then when I challenge him, he gets angry and makes excuses."



You didn't need to write another word. Says it all. You can get him to see. You can't get him to care. ED and obesity are not excuses. Both can be managed. He doesn't give a **** until you get one from someone else. Even then he won't change.



Text your lover tonight. You cannot save a dead marriage. The kids will cope with the divorce if you behave like adults, which he probably won't, but at least you can.

I am with elkclan on this! I would contact your lover.

Why deny this connection and go without for any longer - what for?



It won't make you any less of a wonderful mom, despite what it might seem teenagers know what's going on - your love and devotion to them has been displayed for too long to be in question.

I've never left a comment here before and just glance at the comments. I am not currently in a sexless marriage but was in one prior to this, and I was the refuser. I had my reasons that I won't get into here but I did the honorable thing and ended the marriage; my ex was upset for a long time but eventually came to realize that I did what he didn't have the guts to do but was what needed to be done; we get along fine now and he is much happier. Having said that, I honestly don't mean to be nasty with what I am about to say; I swear I mean to help. Most of the unhappily married people I know that claim they are staying for the kids are full of crap; they use the kids as an excuse but in reality they don't want to make what is a terribly difficult decision and they don't want to face the unknown. I know how hard it is because I made this decision.. You don't want to break up your sons home life but what do you suppose they are learning about marriages from watching you two? You think your sons don't know what's going on? You are almost guaranteeing that they themselves will fail in their own marriages, unless they really go out of their way to avoid what you are teaching them. They are seeing that as a man it's ok to neglect your wife, run around pursuing your own needs and interests at the expense of the family, have no domestic responsibilities whatsoever, and mom should just lie down and take it. True she may complain but in the end all she does in have an affair and then do absolutely nothing but complain. I'm not saying your affair was wrong; in fact I understand it completely and I'd pursue it further. You are not doing right by your sons by demonstrating that this is what a marriage looks like; I know because I have two lovely sons and this was something I faced with their father. He did not respect women at all and they were beginning to learn that, but I have put a stop to that. My current husband is wonderful and they see us as partners. Would it really be ok if he came home and f^%$ed you more often and then just abandoned his family again? Seriously; end the marriage and show your sons that this is not how marriage is supposed to work. Good luck, you deserve happiness.

I have a similar situation. There is something that you and I are holding on to. Anyone can say what they think but, only you know what that is. I have thought about other men but, what about the consequences to them and to yourself, when you cannot fully give yourself to a new relationship? I am not judging you; you sound like you are an amazing woman and you have given so much to your family. I have cried the same tears---Best. Talk to the other one, I think he will understand

Two things come to mind when I read your post. When my sister FINALLY decided to leave her husband after twenty five years of faithlessness and a situation that is very similar to your's (he was overseas much of the time) her husband said:

"Where would I live when I am in Australia?" This might give you a clue as to how important your husband finds your relationship . . . .



Secondly, there is a wise saying which I suggest you think about:

"It is better to come from a broken home than to live in one."

Hi, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Some people are so unconscious of reality that they truly believe their own bullshit and they taught us to believe it through many years of conditioning. They count on us to react the way they have programmed us to be. In my case my husband did not even have to train me. I came preassembled due to the fact that my mother had all my channels set up to accept all of the stuff others choose to dish out.

I left my sexless marriage a year ago but returned after big drama and promises of change and undying loving affection for me. The big change lasted about one month and then he settled back down into his comfort zone and returned to his computer world and his dog.

We all have the tendency to gravitate toward the exact kind of guy we left, only we are not paying close enough attention due to the estatic feeling of new love. Make sure you see the other guys true colors with no blinders on before you make any commitments.

If you should choose to stay with your current spouse you can always think of ways to build a life for yourself. There are days I would love to hop a bus going anywhere and then there are some days I know I can be here because it allows the time and comfort to give to my art. The thing is to ask yourself if your comfort in a long standing relationship is more important than that crazy spark that a different life would provide. The trick is to be happy deep down with your decision and set out to make yourself content. If you choose to stay just know you must have a reason and accept it for yourself. Good luck Lori

I don't see where you think getting a divorce would change your kids home life they have never had a father only a stranger that comes by once in a while. You have never had a marriage you were just a support organization for taking care of his rear area supply and logistics. You need to get a life for yourself, you had a taste of it and it scared you because it was so damned good that it was overwhelming compared to the **** you've put up with forever. Start telling yourself the truth about what you are really doing instead of making excuses. Why are you really putting up with this kind of behavior? Do you like the fact that you are mostly on your own? Look at yourself and tell the truth about what you see in the mirror and then start looking farther out and see where that truth leads you. My guess is that you need a complete life makeover. The longer you wait the more you lose of your life so get up off that thing and get with it while you still got some juice left.

Personally, I think I'd meet up with the ex-lover again. Maybe for good. Maybe not.

"...I always vowed I would never break up my sons' home life."



They've never had a home life that included your husband on a daily basis, how would that change if you were no longer married?

I haven't really read most of the comments on here, so I may or may not be repeating some things.



Let me ask: is there a possibility that he is out having an affair/ affairs when he is away on those trips?



Have you told him that while you have tried to be supportive of him and his career, it is now affecting your marriage and you are unhappy?



I am telling you from experience, the longer you stay and sit idly by, the more you will slowly grow to resent him. If you don't yet, you will.

He is out living his life, doing what he wants to do, traveling, and he doesn't really have to worry about his responsibilities at home because he has left that on you.

He has freedom and you don't. You feel left behind, neglected and TRUST ME, you will start to resent him even more and resentment is a very very hard thing to let go of, especially the longer it builds,.

He is no longer actively participating in your marriage.



If he really cares about you or your marriage, he is going to have to be willing to make some changes and compromise.

Otherwise, that is just selfish on his part.

Your marriage, is done. It is toast. Has been for quite a while.



There is no "fix", for there is no foundation to anchor it to. Never was.



Move it along. Leave him to be the soldier of fortune, the hard bitten gung-ho dude who marches fearlessly into the lawless middle east. THAT'S what gives him a rod. Not you.



Time for you to embrace the authentic you.



BE that authentic YOU, and get it underway while he is off doing what he loves more than anything else in this world.



Tread your own path.

You are 51 and he is 64? Does he work for the military under contract, rather than employed by a sub-contractor? It is going to stop sometime soon I would think. What then? I agree with MVC, I just can't see how you can live under the same roof for prolonged periods without there being considerable stresses.



It is hard not to conclude that he has his own agenda and his own way of dealing with his issues that implicitly exclude you, almost as an inconsequential casualty. His priorities are job, probably kids, domesticity, and then maybe you. He acknowledges your unhappiness, reckons something needs to be done about it but then behaves as if the discussion has involved someone else other than himself, topping it all off by making a quick exit on a passport, again. If this has been his first proper job at 40, is he trying to play catch-up financially especially in respect of retirement?



I just don't know what to say other than I feel very sorry for your predicament. I certainly would not relish being you.

-----" How can I make my husband see what is at stake? "



You won't be able to. If you confessed to an affair and there was no "STOP, ALL STOP, lets get this marriage back on track here is what we are goona do - together, starting this very minute" then nothing you do is going to turn it around.



He seems pretty comfy with having his home life in place, while he travels the world. Many marriages remain together BECAUSE one partner is gone (normally the husband you had a weekend marriage for most of it), and if they would remain together every single day the marriage would crumble. Yours might be one of those arrangements.



He was gone all those years for his own reasons. HE LOVES HIS TRAVEL LIFE.





Employment is a socially acceptable way to maintain the marriage while engaged in a useful activity - supporting his stay at home wife/family. Being gone he was never subject to all those boring daily domestic duties and he seems to love that particular lifestyle.



I note he continues to travel too. Even after you confessed to the affair.



I would bet that if he were to stop travelling your marriage would not last his staying home. He would become too restless and, even if he were underfoot - he would not be with you mentally. He has been gone too long and loves being on the move. Staying home for long periods of time is not a habit he ever cultivated.



Just something to think on.

Sounds like to me he goes on these trips now to avoid the realities facing him at home. When people are faced with adversity many retreat to what they know, where they are comfortable. Deployment is what he knows and is obviously good at what he does. That is a much easier situation to deal with than ED. That can be a crusher for a man. Have you ever known him to make a change on something like this? Is he capable of making this change? Often people that are willing to listen and make changes typically do on many levels throughout their lives. Others don't like change at all and simply avoid the situation while the world changes around them.