What Next?Hi, like many of you I guess, live in a largely sexless marriage. I married about 15 years ago thinking that I had found an amazing partner. It was my second marriage and his first. He was a freelance journalist and my career was just taking off. Today I find myself more and more resentful that all my financial resources are being used up each month and he doesn't manage to bring home any finances. We went to a therapist who told us that the money wasn't the issue but rather the fact that my husband never takes me anywhere, organizes any evenings out or romantic encounters. The therapist wanted us to go out once a week on a "date night". I was excited at first as this was a break in the week for me. He organized one evening out and that was it. But Christmas was a real surprise. For years I had dreamed of going to a special city that means a lot to me. My Christmas present was a wonderful coupon describing the hotel we would be staying at, and promising me an amazing weekend. The therapist told me that he had helped my husband organize this. So for the first time in years I felt excited again at the prospect that there would be more in my life than working and taking care of the kids. A romantic weekend? Wow! I guess you can imagine the rest of this story.... that was three years ago and the weekend never materialized. The date nights never happened and the therapy stopped. Sometimes in my mind I pretend we had the romantic weekend and imagine every hour of the day and what we would have done.... When I mention to my husband that it was quite hurtful that he got my expectations up and didn't deliver on it, he just brushes away the comment.
We ended up going to another therapist and he told us that my husband has a problem with self-absorption. It is some form of a narcisstic personality problem. This means that if the event or activity isn't about him, and we are not focused on him, then he basically isn't interested. For the past several years my husband has been working on books. They don't earn any money so I am paying most of the bills. I get angry at the lack of emotional intimacy, lack of sex and yet I have to pay for him. I have a well paid job but really yearn for a romantic evening out. My fantasy is to be taken away for a weekend by a man who has planned it in advance, knowing what I would enjoy. As it is, I feel pretty exploited now. I can earn the money, but shouldn't expect anything in return. I spend a lot of time angry with him. But the therapist points out that there isn't a problem in the marriage as far as my husband is concerned. He is happy and doesn't see the problem. He argues that he contributes financially when he can, and basically doesn't have a sex drive so the lack of sex isn't of interest to him. The therapist offered us the name of a sex counselor which my husband agreed to, but in the end, he never mentioned it again so I realized it was just another example of him saying or doing something to get me off his back and he had not intention of following it through.
Long story short- what next? I suppose the obvious answer is divorce, but here is the problem. We own two properties. One is entirely in my husband's name and the other is half in his name and half in mine. I have paid the mortgage on the second house for 15 years. If we divorce he get the first house entirely (it belonged to his family) and half of our home. I would also undoubtedly have to pay significant alimony to him as I have been the primary wage earner. Basically I would be left with nothing. I am thinking that I could just wait until my youngest child who is 12 years old is out of school to make a move as clearly I am stuck financially. In any case, I don't want to marry again. I just wish that I could have some sex and a romantic evening out in exchange for funding this person's life!! It is really lonely, but he just has no worried or concerns and seems really happy with his life. In the meantime, when I see my savings liquidated because he didn't manage to earn any money that month as a freelancer, it makes my blood boil.
Anyhow, enough ranting. Just feeling a bit exploited....
lori6581 46-50, F 13 Responses 1 Jun 16, 2012