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Letting Go Of False Hope, Welcoming Clarity...

my husband and i have finally separated...this summer will be our 19th wedding anniversary. we are not filing for divorce immediately but his moving out is a relief. our marriage has been sexless for easily over a year...and nearly sexless for many years...maybe our entire marriage. maybe sex 2-4 times a year. looking back his being a virgin at age 25 when i met him might have been writing on the wall? he never, i mean never, initiated sex with me in the 24 years of knowing each other. he would acquiesce if i initiated..we went to counselors, i went to counseling on my own too, he told me he was "trying"..it never got better, little x little all types of intimacy eroded.. when i quit initiating, that was the end of it. over time, i didn't want to any more anyway. he saw my desire for emotional/physical intimacy as selfish, and pushed back in every way. when i called him on all of this, and that i was angry and frustrated for the wasted years that i had hung in there in part because he used to say that he was "trying", because i loved him, for the kids, and because i had hope ..he told me to take some responsibility as i should/could have realized that he was making no progress and i could have called it quits years ago. i will never understand what really has happened - but will not allow myself to stay in the relationship to figure it out. though it made me angry his telling me i should have admitted to myself that it wasn't working and gotten out sooner, MAYBE HE'S RIGHT. my new goal (rather then hoping, wishing, "trying") is letting go of my anger and building a positive life for me and my children. it's very upsetting to bring upon myself new financial challenges but the cost of staying in this relationship feels like it would kill me. as a footnote, we thought to stay til the kids were out of high school, but i no longer want to...if anything i wish we had split many years ago...
Gazell Gazell 51-55, F 6 Responses Jun 16, 2012

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888 wrote-----"He is also essentially blaming you for giving him the benefit of the doubt and trusting him to woirk on things"<br />
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This story superbly highlights the parasitic dynamics at play in the extreme. It is a wake up call for those who keep remaining out of compassion, out of "love", out of "trying to fix" it one more time. <br />
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That is WHY this story is GOLD. <br />
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Any opportunity for parasitic people to use their spouses kindness, consideration and can-do attitude as a club over their head will not be passed up. As this story so richly details - the parasiticism seems to be a badge of honor worn by the refusing spouse. <br />
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There is no fix for long term parasiticism except to leave.

"he told me to take some responsibility as i should/could have realized that he was making no progress and i could have called it quits years ago."<br />
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While you should have probably recognized sooner, it's extremely stupid and immature of him to blame you for not recognizing his lack of progress. He is also essentially blaming you for giving him the benefit of the doubt and trusting him to woirk on things. Umm...he KNEW he wasn't making any progress so why didn't he just man the F up and admit it and take responsibility? Because he sounds like a spineless little *****, IMO. He is more than content putting all the blame on you when HE is the one that is the problem.<br />
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Sure, in retrospect, you should have left long ago, but at least you are recognizing this and deciding you have had enough. All you can do is work with today and go from there.

Was he ever tested for testosterone?

yes, and was fine

The virginity has nothing to do with it.

thinking not that BECAUSE he was a virgin, our sex life never worked, but rather..he didn't have sex in his life (before or during our marriage) because he wasn't wired for intimacy in that way..then combined with a hot headed intense emotional person like me it was way too far of a stretch. maybe people "saving" themselves for marriage are different, but i don't think he had much of a drive. he did over the years go in and have testosterone checked etc..it wasn't a physical problem.

I get what you are saying. Before you got married, did he he at least get a hard on when you were kissing?

there was never a physical problem...

-----" his telling me i should have admitted to myself that it wasn't working and gotten out sooner, MAYBE HE'S RIGHT. "<br />
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This is GOLD! <br />
<br />
Thank your for sharing your story.

Thanks for your story sister Gazell.<br />
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For the beniefit of 'nwewbies' and 'undecided's', would you say that the pain price you paid in this dtsfunctional situation did anything but get higher as the years rolled by ?<br />
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I personally believe that the 'cheapest' pain price is whatever has to be paid "today".<br />
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"Yesterday" it would have been cheaper, but yesterday has been and gone and will be seen no more.<br />
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The pain price will be higher "tomorrow".<br />
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The pain price WILL be paid, the only question is do you pay it "now" at the going rate, or do you pay it "later" when the price has escalated.<br />
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Anyway, great to see you out and forging your way forward,<br />
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Tread your own path.

i believe the price increases. part of the price is the TIME spent.. also there is the loss of what could have been achieved if i hadn't been banging my head on a wall for these years. this is a tough one, because i finally "got it" when he said "i can't do this, and i don't want to do this" (intimacy/relationship/caring about feelings) so if i HAD "got it" earlier when he was just SHOWING me he couldn't do it, but i was thick headed lost in "this can work, if i just do this, he say's he's working on it" blah blah blah. thinking how much easier life could be if i noticed the obvious! sheesh! but better now than never...