It's All My Fault

I can see now, after 13 or 14 tortuous years, that I should lay the blame of my sexless marriage squarely upon myself.

I was too eager to compromise myself. I was too eager to please others and let go of my hopes and dreams. I sacrificed my time, my money, and my soul for a woman who was basically a parasite.

With almost 5 decades of experience under my belt, I can see that I probably shouldn't even be living in the same little town I grew up in. I never liked it. I don't know why, but I never fit in anywhere here. Anytime I had a chance to leave I allowed other family members to interfere and ruin it for me.

I think, the biggest reason that I am here in this town and in this marriage is that I failed to plan for myself. The times I have planned I allowed other people's needs and priorities to override my needs. I also think it was the easy way out for me. Put other people first and it gives you an excuse for not taking care of yourself.

I recall reading in "Think and Grow Rich" that the successful people in life were the ones who trusted their gut, acted quickly on their gut feelings, and seldom changed their minds. They did not fall victim to changing their minds and being swayed by others. Whereas, my whole life was based on changing my mind and being blown in the direction of the strongest wind.

I should have left my marriage 15 years ago. I should have left this town 25 years ago. I am not saying the grass is greener anywhere else. Life can be just as hard or joyous anywhere. I am saying what is right for me and my life.

So, there will be big changes for the next 45 years. They won't be easy, but I will plan them, act on them, and they will happen.
I will live my life being directed from within. I will make my decisions and stick with them. I will not allow family members to tell me that I won't be able to make it, as I have my life thus far.
There is no reason the next half of my life can't be as fun, exciting and prosperous and the first half was miserable, stifling, and soul crushing.
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10 Responses Jun 16, 2012

Self-knowledge is probably the best knowledge there is. Feel free to beat yourself up just a little if you need the motivation. But only a little - you're a valuable person who's seeing the light, and you have every right to a happier life. We all do, and you have lots of company, so it's okay to stop kicking yourself now. Slow movement is better than none, and we're all walking beside you cheering you on!

Seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction would be an excellent place to start MMF. It seems highly unlikely that your plan for your life from here on is going to include the presence of your missus, so that would be a good one to get out of the way.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Love this

There's a reason people say familiarity breeds contempt - it's not just applicable to people, but places as well. I am so fortunate in that while I grew up in a small town I did everything in my power to leave by 16 and only returned once for a brief period of time. I hate where I come from - small minded judgemental people - I am wildly creative and different and I'm okay with that and they are not. I was ALWAYS the round peg in the square hole and while it'd of been a great place to raise my kids crime wise, I wouldn't go back if you paid me. Now that most of my family is dead, I really have no reason at all to even drive through it. Many many people live and die there, literally - but it's never too late to start. I've tried most states on the East coast and while I was born in the north, I do so much better in the south - not just climate wise, but life and personality wise.<br />
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You can't really fault yourself for staying in a marriage because if it seemed like the right thing to do for you - it did or for your kids or whatever. A lot of people here seem quick to whip out the 2 x 4's on not playing victim. I think it's fine if you regret the choice you made and acknowledge the steps you need to remedy it.<br />
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As a world traveler - I wish you well and good winds - I hope you find what you are looking for - and if ever need to just breath - key west is the place to do it.

Amen, MMF! Go get 'me!

Good for you for deciding to make a change!<br />
While everyone should take responsibility for their actions, there is no reason you shuld shoulder and accept all of the blame.<br />
Could/Should you have done some things differently? Sure.<br />
But that does not justify people taking advantage of you and your kindness and treating you like ****.<br />
Everyone makes mistakes, but only ******** will play on them.<br />
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Is it too late for you to pack up and move?

Exazchary, lol.

And you're still continuing the cycle by saying that it's all your fault. It's not all your fault and it's not all her fault: she gets the blame for using you and you get the blame for staying. <br />
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Stop picking up the abuse where she left off and continuing to beat the **** out of yourself. Please see a counselor and find some self-esteem and a back bone. This is said with affection and exasperation.

I don't think saying "It's all my fault" is healthy either, but I do think that recognizing that you've *allowed* it to continue is a good thing. We all have roles we play.

I agree.

Better late than never! You have less time on your hands, so have to move and make decisions much quicker.... Good luck!

Very similar to my story about Anatomy of a Marriage. I realized much of the same. The good thing, I realized, is that once you take into consideration how you've arrived in the spot you're in, then you can start to change it.

"Put other people first and it gives you an excuse for not taking care of yourself."<br />
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