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Oh It Just Never Ends Does It

So, today I was FURIOUS with STBX because of the car buying incident.

What incident you ask?

Well, for those not following along, my car was totalled about 2 weeks ago. I found a used car I liked, but when my dad came to look at the car with me, he noticed the brake discs were "scored" (or "scarred" - uneven circular wear).

When I asked the salesperson, he said they would fix it.

Well, after deciding I wanted that car, I made sure they did a full check on the car & fixed everything. They stated they had replaced the front brake discs, and I got that in writing.

Went to pick up the car yesterday, and it looked to me like nothing had been done on the front disc brakes. When I insisted that the sales manager come out to look at the car with me, he insisted that "the discs had definitely been replaced, that wear would improve as I drove it, it was just from sitting out in the lot". The salesperson/manager kept getting more and more defensive with me - "I've been here 9 years, our service is super trustworthy, no way they could make a mistake!!!" when I pointed out that it looked to me like the REAR disc brakes had been the ones replaced (all shiny & new).

So what is STBX doing? Looking uncomfortable, trying his best to get me to shut up as he cannot stand any tension. So I feel like I'm being a real harpy here, maybe I'm doing something wrong insisting that the brakes are f*cked.

Manager gets frustrated, refuses to deal with me, and goes away (NOTE: I never yelled - I was just super firm). STBX says "look, we just need a car right now".

So then the district manager comes by with the report and points out that the brake discs were replaced in April, that this is normal for a car sitting out in the elements.

So I say "well I thought they were replaced yesterday, ok, if you're sure that there's no mistake..."

So I get home, and my father blows up when he hears about it. He is great with mechanical (& electrical & well everything) & he says "no, that scoring indicates something really wrong, that needs to be fixed, they are complete liars".

So, well my father is the one who fronted the extra money for this car (YES I KNOW I'm a grown woman and I AM ashamed of relying on him for this - it's a first - I've been unemployed 2 years) - and all of a sudden I feel this INTENSE shame, plus MORE WORK for me - I've been busting my *** to get this car, through concussion, through all the paperwork of the insurance, through all the b&llsh&t from the accident ... I go online and sure enough, pics of that type of scoring with people saying that this is a problem for sure....

So now I will go next week and have a mechanic or another dealership look at the brakes and get a 2nd opinion.

WHY did I spend 10 years backing down from everything just because HE cannot STAND to have any stress in HIS life???? Then I get 10x the amount of work.

THIS time though I told him EXACTLY what I thought of this type of behaviour. I told STBX that this was MORE work for ME, that I have learned my lesson and that it is NOT a good dynamic when he cannot stand any form of stress and I need to get something done, etc.

This whole thing is just dragging me so far down. I've been battling concussion and resulting inertia for 2 weeks now! I haven't done anything - look for a summer job, work on my business, sign up for courses, go exercise (still too injured) - this just made me go "over the edge" and I was just b*tchy all day after that ...

Worse we went for a picnic lunch with some of my dad's friends & my dad & I got ANOTHER lecture about those f*ckin disc brakes. I finally lost it and said 'what do you want me to do, dad, I will be taking it on Monday to a mechanic, I'm just boiling mad myself, what do you want me to do????"

ETA:// as you can guess, STBX has put ZERO dollars into the purchase of this car, much as with the first car we bought once married... it is ALWAYS up to me...
zsuzsilowinger zsuzsilowinger 36-40, F 6 Responses Jun 16, 2012

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1) what is a STBX 2) all car dealers are liars, you never tell them what car you want, look at three different cars and then leave...then come back 5 days later and know the exact blue book value and offer that and nothing more~ (never done this but heard it works~)

You have my sympathy, you really do, I can visualise the scenario in my imagination, but there are two aspects to your story that make me reflect. Firstly, you are a chip off the old fella's block. Nothing wrong with that but just look at the friction between you, two people of the same temperament. Do you want to ultimately hook up with someone of that personality-type in the future? Secondly, I can empathise with your husband because I used to be that sort of person, still am inherently. It's not really about stress, although it is partially, but it is more about confrontation and embarrassment at being at the centre of a scene. It gets ugly, or at least it has the POTENTIAL to get ugly. I always used to fear that I would get ultra defensive, lose it and go nuclear and sometimes I did. Then I would do a whole guilt thing, so it was best to avoid it no matter what. Then I learnt, ever so slowly, over years, that you can be assertive without ever losing the rag, as you did in this incident. You can even be earnest, determined, in a jovial, friendly manner but still get over you point. Then if it does get ugly you can leave with a clear conscience because it is the other guy's fault.<br />
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On a purely technical point, I'm convinced that ever since asbestos was banned in brake lining materials that manufacturers have struggled to find a substitute that does the job just as well and that they have ended up using harder materials that tend to leave some disc scoring as a matter of course. However, if the scoring is deep it maybe suggests that a foreign body has got between the pad and disc, such as grit. That can just happen haphazardly but can also happen if the pads are sticking in the calliper slides especially due to rust through disuse and the pad springs are just not strong enough to overcome the resistance, hence leaving a gap for grit to get into. If it is significant it should be checked out. The sales guy has made you a promise that the shop manager and overall people in charge don't want to have to stand over cost-wise. Just call them out in a friendly but persistent manner. Tell them you know what is going on but a deal is still a deal and it is the principle that is important to you. Car sales people and women customers, tuh!

Back in the day, it was necessary (in circumstances such as you describe) for me to TOTALLY take on such events - or TOTALLY remain uninvolved in such events. Having me and missus BOTH involved in such a circumstance inevitably ended up in a **** up. And I would be the stupid ***** who would have to sort it all out, with her in the background sniping, full of what I shoulda coulda done - but totally unwilling / unable to step up and do it herself.<br />
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I think you made a tactical error in having him along at the transaction at the get go. Like so many ILIASM marriages, they just ain't 'team' pla<x>yers, and it is folly to expect them to be. Best to disenfranchise them from such situations and do it yourself.<br />
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Tread your own path.

So many in the same shoes - at least you are outta there!!

Not sure why I keep expecting a change, eh.

Have the mechanic document what exactly is wrong with the car and brakes. Take that, along with the documents you received from the dealership saying that they had replaced the brakes and demand that they fix it. Your state should have a 'lemon law'. Look that up and shove it down the dealer's throat. If he won't fix it, get your money back. Take your dad with you this time and leave your stbx at home.<br />
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I empathize with you. I have saved my h's *** more than once, with him fighting me the whole ******* way, determined that I was wrong and making me feel like **** the whole time. It ******* sucks and I'm sorry you're dealing with all this ****.

Thank you... I intend to follow your advice about the mechanic.

OMG - it must be a refuser trait - mine is the same way - and now after the heart attack it's even worse!!! I can't "stress" him - he grabs his chest and OMG he should get an acting aware. Years and years and years of him ******* up the finances and leaving me no money to pay the bills and yes, I have to take and make the calls about it....(Mind you I made just as good of money as he did and more at times)...God what the hell.

Well at least we're not alone in our misery ...

*Hugs*<br />
I hate that. When you are standing up for yourself and what's right and H wants to get embarrassed like "how dare you cause a scene and embarrass me"<br />
So we should just smile and take **** to spare their damn feelings, even though they are doing absolutely nothing to help the situation. <br />
I would have told H that when he decided to put some money into this car purchase or repairs, then he can shut his a$$ up and go cower in the corner.

I'm sorry you know what I mean here...