Trying To Repair My Marriage - Advice?

Hi Robbomas,



I was in a sexless marriage for 22 years in a situation very similar to yours. Towards the end I was getting extremely angry all the time and the situation seemed to be irreversible. Having been brought up in the very conservative environment, I never even considered cheating on my wife. In hindsight, I regret this tremendously. My wife was my best friend and confidant, and she enjoyed sex once a month. So What. The worst thing you can ever do with any relationship is to apply pressure. Pressure of any type. Pressure kills everything. So if you are desperate to have sex and she is not giving it to you, get it elsewhere. And don't act like you are angry or resentfull in any way with her but be extremely happy with whatever sex she gives you (you are already getting plenty elsewhere). And if you always act happy with her and don't pressure her ever for sex, you will notice that with time she will come around and request more and more sex from you. Unfortunately, that is the way human beings are wired. The less you want it, the more you get it and the more you want it (the more pressure you apply) the less you get it. Go figure.

Hi all, been over a week since my last post and a bit has happened – but will get to that in a bit.



First, again, thanks for caring enough to post and offer advice. I've read it all.



I am ULTRA conscious of not going with my heart, and letting my head rule how my wife and I progress our issues. Being rational about how I handle this is actually not proving all that difficult to do. As the saying goes, 'fool me once …'



To all those advising not to get her pregnant, rest assured we do use protection every time without fail. Not that we're actually doing it very much (because of me) at present.



There is absolutely no way I am bringing a baby into our relationship as it stands. Even if she might be 100% on board with having a great sex life with me from now onwards, I'm still harbouring a lot or resentment towards her for the past – and that's not a healthy environment in which to raise a child.



What's basically happened in the past week is that we sat down and had a long talk. A lot of what we discussed was prompted by the advice I received here – which help clarify my thoughts (and feelings) significantly, and how I should approach this. I feel compelled to highlight the posts by enna30, hl42, nonookie, FOIA and msdamgoode among the many excellent responses.



In our talk, my wife stated she didn't know where her head was at in not being interested in our sex life at the start. I didn't pursue this, not seeing much point in it (ie, whether she actually knows the answer is genuinely debatable – and at this point, does it really matter?)



She willingly agreed to hold off having children for as long as it takes to get our relationship right ("even if it takes years"). In fact, off her own bat she said she didn't want them until we were okay.



We'd already previously agreed to see a counselor; and following the talk she booked us in for an appointment next week.



So all good signs from her – but I'm taking it very, very slowly and not getting ahead of myself. She is under no illusions that a great couple of months of sex will somehow magically reverse all that has happened or how I feel.



I did not – and will never – disclose to her my cheating. As someone noted, doing so only make things worse, just at the time it seems we're beginning to make progress. Further, as irrational as it may be, the moment that that truth is revealed I go from being the victim in the situation to being the perpetrator (not only in her eyes, but in many people's) – no matter how justified I might feel in having cheated. Simply not worth the trouble, and I see no benefit to it. As I mentioned in my original post I don't feel guilt for it at all (towards her), only a deep disappointment within myself in having compromised my own values and integrity. (Incidentally, I have not cheated this past month, and will not while we continue to try work things out. Hopefully we get our marriage on track and I am never compelled to again.)



Will keep updating this thread as things progress. Thanks again for reading, and while I've never met any of you (I don't think), you have my deepest gratitude (even those reading this but who haven't responded) for simply caring.

If you do not have any children with her it is time to break down camp. I agree that this is probably a biological clock thing ticking. Nothing is more poisonous to sex in a marriage then newborns and child rearing. Sex needs to be healthy out of the gate. If it is screwed up before it will be an utter disaster after kids. Think of this as a "starter marriage". You learned all you need for your next venture to a loving committed relationship. You don't owe her anything.

Sorry, robbo, but the "bait & switch" and "biological clock" phrases resonate with my past experiences too, and seem apposite to your story.



One thing I think is key; while "she's apologized for her behaviour in the past", has she explained it, and explained what changed to make her more sexual now?



I think in your position I'd want to understand that very well and would need to believe and have full confidence in the explanation, because otherwise those two phrases above might come back to haunt you...



I wish you good luck in your investigations!

"She assured me that we'd have a great sex life after marriage, she'd be comfortable doing it more often then."



Comfortable??? Is that really enough for you?



Like others above, I would question her motivation, and, of course avoid starting a family until issues are sorted out.

This is a great post. It’s Very informative and well writing.

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This comment struck a chord with me: "But I am also going to try to make things work with her if we can. At the end of the day, as things stand, she is still my wife – and in every other respect a good wife and a good person."



There are a whole lot of guys on this board who have thought along these lines. I sure have. You're in good company with this one.



Everything about the timing says that your wife is interested in getting pregnant. The biological clock starts clicking very loudly around the age of 30. If your wife wants two or three kids, then she needs to be pregnant ASAP.



You may find that while your wife is trying to get pregnant, that you'll have some of the best sex of your relationship. You might think that she really loves you. You might even think that she's changed in some magical way. Then one day you'll find out that you're going to be an expectant father. LIfe is great.... well, except for the sex thing. Suddenly, your spouse will have all sorts of legitimate reasons to avoid sexual encounters and return to her occasional sex pattern.



Of course all of the excitement of children will mask the fact that things have reverted back. Heck, you' might even decide to have more children. Starting a family is great. Time will pass, and you'll rationalize that "Everything is great in your marriage, bar the sex."



But now you have children. And if you thought you were dedicated to your spouse before, wait until you have a kid or two who depend on you. You've already had to cheat before, do you really think you won't need to again?



It's your call, but the best advice I've seen here is DON'T GET HER PREGNANT. Your sex life will not improve with kids. You'll go from once every three weeks, to once every other month; maybe less. Is that the kind of life you want to live?

If you choose to have a sexual life with her, be totally upfront about the children issue. Tell her (something like) this:



"I'm pleased that you are now seeking to be sexually engaged in our marriage but I'm not sure where this is going to take us. To be honest with you, the years of refusal have resulted in me feeling pretty un-engaged from you. I no longer see you as a full sexual partner - more as a room mate. It WILL take time and effort to recover from this.



And I am absolutely POSITIVE that there can be no pregnancies until we have completely resolved this issue to the satisfaction of us both. Therefore if we have sex, it will be with the understanding that we use contraception at ALL times.



I realise that I have a responsibility here so I will wear a condom every time we have sex. I will also want to be sure you are using contraception reliably.



Bringing children into a dysfunctional relationship is immoral and unfair. Once we are BOTH convinced that the marriage is truly successful, then we can consider having a family."



If you say something of this sort and she baulks, you can be pretty sure that pregnancy is her ultimate aim. If she agrees whole heartedly but very quickly (within a month or two) asks you to reconsider, again you will have confirmation of her desire just to have a child.



I suggest that, if you get into discussing a possible pregnancy you tell her that it took years to get to this point, it may well take years to get to the point where it will be realistic to consider having a child. Her reactions to this may tell you a great deal about her genuine motivations.

Best advice on the board. Do NOT get her pregnant.



If she wants kids and senses your unhappiness and fears that you might leave if the situation doesn't change....she could be luring you into a eighteen year trap.....



Use a condom if you do have sex with her......



Tread carefully.

I would say she wants to get pregnant.



If this relationship started with lots of sex, then it dissipated and now was starting up again, I would say she had someone on the side for a while. In this case that sounds unlikely. It sounds much more like she wants to get pregnant.



DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT!!!



Children will not improve your marriage and sex life. Children will anchor you to her in the sexless marriage. Your resentment will grow.



You are not interested in sex with her now because you have been refused long enough to the point of no longer desiring her or being in love with her. You just do not realize this yet - you are still in the 'the marriage is good bar the sex' denial phase of the marriage.



At least do not make any major changes such as pregnancy. Read on here and evaluate your own feelings very honestly. You are very young and there is plenty of time in your life for a better relationship - for both of you.



Move forward with thoughtfulness and control. It is for your best interest.

You may have broken your marriage vows by cheating, but she "started it" by lying to you and refusing to be physically with you. Whatever her reasons, it was up to her to be honest about them.



Maybe the day she's honest with you about why she pushed you away is the day you can start to feel the least bit like being honest with her about your affairs and why they happened.



In any case I personally think she either feels you pulling away and wants to reel you back in, or my first instinct was the same as everyone else's here - she wants baybeez....tick tock tick tock



For goodness sake do NOT trust anything with this woman.

Can I suggest a "little" alteration of mindset here?



How's about reinventing your marriage into something worthwhile, exciting, a place where you might actually want to be, to have kids in.



Repairing something broken is often a bad idea, because that is hardly enticing, and leads to temptations (which you've both already succumbed to) - to second-change the relationship, and to lie.



And if you can bear the honesty and fear and excitement of it - tell her exactly that, put yourself authentically on the line, with both a worthwhile marriage or a split that's in both your interests ahead of you. Not some horrid stasis or patch-up.



And as everyone here is saying - DON'T HAVE KIDS till that's in place.

First of all, I concur with all those who commented about avoiding at all costs having children at this point in time. That theme can't be emphasized enough.



As for the turnaround 18 months ago, there is another possibility I haven't seen mentioned other than her wanting to have a child(which I agree is very likely). She may have stumbled across some reading material about sexless marriages in a magazine, a book, or on the Internet at some point and thereby gained an appreciation for the impact her behavior was having on your marriage and resolved to do something about it. She may not have been comfortable sharing that with you and naively thought it would be sufficient to make the necessary changes on her end and everything would be fine going forward. In my opinion it would be worth making a renewed attempt to communicate with and reconnect with her. Ask her what happened to change her behavior so drastically. Share with her the damage that had been done prior and why that's made it difficult for you to accept those changes at face value. Tell her that you fear opening yourself up to having the rug pulled out from under you again. What do you have to lose?

look into your heart and see what you feel~ If you want to continue in your marriage, then try again, especially now that she seems to want to meet your needs in the bed. Having cheated will never go away, all you can do is look forward and try not to compromise your values again. If it goes back to the way it was before, get a divorce and find someone that feels the way you do~ good luck~

Another possible reason for the sudden interest might be your emotional unavailability. She may sense your distance and want to rein you back in.



Also, be discerning with the idea of a lying spouse. Some people lie on purpose. They think you won't notice. Some people lie by default. They let you believe what you want to believe. Then again, some people lie to themselves. This unconscious lying is the worst. When confronted, they sincerely believe whatever it is they tell themselves and can't see anything else.

"Should I just get over it?"



I wouldn't be so impudent to suggest such a thing. That would be a righteous thing to say and of no relevance to you.



What you think, what you feel, and how much of it you emote about or rationalise about is your own personal journey. No-one can do it for you or even travel the road with you.



All I can suggest that you keep your communication channels with your wife open while you struggle with the issue. Be as open as you can in explaining why you are struggling. And it might help if she can reciprocate if she can be as open as possible about her past experiences and behaviour even if she is not sure what the truth is. Even idle speculation can be helpful as long as it is presented as just that.



Ultimately, you have a choice to make because there is no optimum choice, no one choice that is going to descend upon you like a biblical revelation. If you are hoping for that sort of inspiration I hate to tell you the likelihood is as close to zero as makes no difference.



And bear in mind that you have a window of opportunity to make a choice. After an undefined period of time that window will close, be closed by your wife. No matter what sins and crimes she has committed against you in the past she is not obliged to suffer indefinitely over it and probably won't. That is just life, the way it is.



If you should decide to stay and make a go of it be honest about it, don't just go through the motions, it will do neither of you a favour afterall. You do really need to mean it in your own heart, which is the difficulty you struggle with right now. Being able to trust and wanting to be able to trust is where you really are right now. Suspending judgement, putting it to one side would not be as bad for you as you might think. You can afford to think that I will give this a real go while realising it still might not work out. It wouldn't need to be about you and short-comings or her and short-comings but just the context, the interaction or lack of it.



Is your instinct that this investment is a complete loss and that you should right it off for now and ever, or does your instinct tell you, no it might turn out to be worthwhile yet?

I see three main intimacy issues based on your story, and how you choose to tackle them might need different approaches. So first, I recommend you identify or narrow down exactly which *issue* is blocking your path toward intimacy the most.



1) Are you wanting more to understand why she is suddenly keen on sex?

2) or why she refused in the past?

3) or are you most concerned with overcoming your negativity toward her?



The last one is the one I personally consider to be the most important. "Whys" don't always matter.





I ask because the first two requires that she not only understands the "why" herself, but that she is able to then communicate it effectively to you. And of course assuming she does both those things, then you have the whole new complication of processing and accepting and forgiving her "whys" and trusting that she has been honest about them which can be daunting to say the least.



The third you can work on in an individual setting. It's more of a "you" thing rather than an "us" thing, though it will still take her continued, willing enthusiasm for sex and intimacy obviously.



Whatever you do, one thing I recommend you don't do is tell her about the cheating. Some might disagree, but I say if they are over, why damage the marriage over it more than it already is.



Good luck, and keep posting.

"But the thought that I've cheated on her still kills me – not so much from guilt, but because I've compromised my own values. To me marriage is a sacred commitment. Further, the cheating left me feeling empty. There is nothing more that truly I wanted than a loving, lustful and passionate physical relationship with the woman I married (and still loved)."



You took the words right out of my mouth... I want to cheat because I want to enjoy a physical connection with someone, but I haven't cheated because I don't think I could live with myself if I went against the morals and values I'm trying to uphold.



Thank God you don't have children to consider... I think that the best advice from the others who commented was to use protection while this is sorted out. For your sake, I hope she has realized and come to value an intimate sexual relationship with you. I would be happy with once a month or even a year, cause this once in going on five years is literally killing me.



Best of luck to you,

Unjusted

To everyone, thanks for your advice - I've read it, and will go back and reread it and consider it all carefully, and any more advice to come.



I know it seems I fell for the 'bait and switch' (as one respondent put it) and for a long time I believed that too. Probably do in fact. But I do genuinely believe she has come to recognise the importance of sex in marriage (we are surrounded by a number of happy couples, and the subject does come up from time to time in casual conversation). Further I don't believe she deliberately set out to hurt me or lie to me - as many noted, sex was just not that big of a deal to her.



Of course, that still doesn't excuse her behaviour, pre- or post-marriage.



And she recognises that she had a number of hang-ups about sex in the past (mainly due to her upbringing) that she is willing to work on – the 'don't want to get pregnant' excuse was likely just that, an excuse.



Last year, she sat down and watched a few sex videos (instructionals for couples, not ****) with me, and has read a couple of similar themed books. We travelled overseas last year and had sex relatively regularly during the trip (once every 2-3 days), all initiated by her and she really seemed to enjoy it – the one brief period were our sex life was reasonable. Perhaps she just started to let go and begin to enjoy it. She has also been hurt by me pulling back in the affection I used to show her, which has led to her 'getting the message' I think.



Now this could all be more manipulation, I know, and I am aware of tricking myself into believing what I want to believe. And I am conscious that being in her 30s the biological clock is ticking. So as many have wisely advised, I am going to tread very carefully going forward. We don't have kids – and they certainly aren't on the cards while we try to work things out.



But I am also going to try to make things work with her if we can. At the end of the day, as things stand, she is still my wife – and in every other respect a good wife and a good person. And no, she certainly hasn't cheated.



Lastly I don't mean it to sound like I'm just ignoring much of the advice given – every single post was helpful and has settled a lot of my thoughts and feelings, and I will follow much of it moving forward. So thank you, again.

only have sex now using birth control? see if she still wants to...or i am thinking she is against birth control? the timing does seem suspect...has she talked about wanting children?

"We had sex less than 10 times a year before we got married, mainly because of her fear of getting pregnant out of wedlock (she comes from a conservative family). "



Twenty first century.... Very poor excuse... Never heard of condoms? Did not trust you you would marry her if she gets pregnant?



"It started from our honeymoon, where she continually turned me down to the point where I stopped trying."



I am always puzzled what sort of excuses one can use on honeymoon? The time for wild sex?



"We communicate extremely well in every other respect of our relationship, so I was at my wits end about what to do."

She was lying to you before marriage, during your honeymoon and she is lying to you now.... Lying and ignoring your biological needs...

Once having a baby she will get the best excuse not have sex at all...

She is tired now, wait and see how tired she will be!

Do you want to be sexless for next 50 years of your life? If you do not do anything now, this is exactly what you are going to have...

You sound to me like a decent man who has tried hard to stay in a relationship where there is a massive omission. Sex is clearly important to you, but not to your wife. In my opinion you're apparently being used and I agree with the view of other respondents that your wife's change is appetite may be due to her bio clock.



But before you abandon your attempt at repairing your marriage, it would be worth talking to her about the origin of her former lack of interest in sex. Is it as simple as now wanting to satisfy her biological needs or has she been talking to a friend, perhaps, who's convinced her of the need to lighten up and give you what you want? Has she been on a drug therapy until recently that has suppressed her sex drive? Is her sexual repression due to influence from a parent or other relative that sex was dirty and to be avoided whenever possible or perhaps an earlier life experience where she was abused? Early experiences are extremely influencial and professional counselling and other therapies may help to get to the bottom of her problem (although she may not see it as a "problem").



I wish you good luck and hope that this will be resolved.

Things will only get more sour if you have a child with her. If you want to test the strength of your relationship, tell her you want a vasectomy. That should be the litmus test concerning she wants a true marriage and family, or whether this is just a trophy for her.

"..mainly because of her fear of getting pregnant out of wedlock..felt no reason to doubt her...."



Huge. Red. Flag.



Condoms, foam, IUD, diaphragm, the pill, Sponges, shots, implants, and patches.



Getting pregnant is EASILY avoided if one puts forth the effort.



Now, she could be hearing that clock ticking as Baz suggests, or since women reach their peak sexually in their thirties, maybe that's it. Or perhaps she has had an affair...that will sometimes oddly ramp up drive at home. The thing is, is it sounds as if you haven't been communicating.



I DO agree that now isn't the time to get preggers, and beware...if she has been this manipulative already, don't trust HER to take care of birth control now.

You cannot trust this woman. She looked you in the eye and said you would have an active sex life after the nuptuals, and then she didn't even wait until the honeymoon was over to reveal that she was, quite simply, lying.



Asexual people don't all of a sudden get turned on. She has an angle. Don't buy it. You believed one huge lie. Don't fall for another.

"she assured me that we'd have a great sex life after marriage, she'd be comfortable doing it more often then"



When I read this, I immediately thought "man, she did the 'bait and switch' on you big time."



As for not wanting to get pregnant before marriage, why didn't she just get on birth control pills? and use condoms if you're even more worried?



While there may be some people who do not believe in sex before marriage for religious reasons, there are also some who use that in hopes it will get the guy to propose to them faster in order to get to the sex. So it's a sorta win-win - you get sex finally and she gets married. But, t he difference is she can decide at any time, for any reason to just not have sex with you and short of cheating/divorcing her, you don't have many options.



Did she tell you why , after 8.5 years, she suddenly wanted to have sex with you?

What changed? Do you think she may have cheated?



I know you said you have tried before, but maybe you should tell her you really need to talk, it's something that is on your mind and threatening to ruin the relationship. You want to talk about it now before any permanent damage to your relationship is done.



It's great that you both are thinking about going to a marriage counselor. Hopefully they can offer some insight.



It's obvious, if you have read the majority of stories here, that your feelings are completely normal. People in SM have been rejected and refused so many times that they just stop initiating or wanting it with their partner anymore. That spark dies as a result of being neglected and from the damage done over the years.



Do you two have children yet? If not, do NOT get pregnant. Should things turn bad, **** will get even more complicated and you will feel obligated to stay in a miserable marriage for the kid and out of fear that you will never get to see him if you leave.

Custody issues are a *****.



It doesn't sound like you are really ready to leave the marriage....so I would suggest do whatever you can to try to repair it so you won't regret your actions if things should not work out.

Your story doesn't say, but I'd be betting that her sudden interest in intimate expression with you has more to do with her biological clock than anything else. And, that once her mission to be impregnated is complete, back things will go to "usual".



I would be thinking real hard about this BEFORE any breeding takes place.



"Repairing" the marriage ? What, back to what it was like at its' best ? By your story, it's 'best' was on the very very low side of ordinary.



Tread your own path.