It's All My Fault, Part 2Okay, I had a mini revelation of sorts. Over the last couple of years I have really been focusing on why I am the way that I am and how the f I ended up where I am.
I realized, tonight, that defeat slapped me in the face throughout my life. In the form of my mom slapping me in the face as a kid. My dad belittling my hopes and dreams as I grew up. And it climaxed as a giant fist to the face when my wife began refusing.
Everything I did in life was in good faith. I had the best of intentions to do well in regards to others. I guess I wanted to be liked.
Well, nothing in my youth was good enough according to those around me.
The spirit of defeat overcame me. It was so bad that many times I felt defeat so strongly that I couldn't even attempt things that I wanted to do.
Then, I met my future wife. We had a ball together. She (at least I thought) was devoted to me. We got along well, and she was smoking hot. LOL. I thought that she would be one consistent thing in my life. She was the victory over all of the defeat I had known. It made living in this town tolerable. It erased the bad memories. After all, I was so driven to beat the defeat down in my life. I never asked for help from anyone. It was shear will that got me through it.
On a side note, my smoking hot wife really let herself go after we got married. I even had other people comment on it. But, it didn't bother me, because I loved her.
When my wife started refusing me, that devil, defeat, reared it's ugly head again.
I recall specifically, one afternoon, my wife was getting something out of the closet.
I approached her, dropped to knees, to perform oral on her. I grabbed the waste of her pants to pull them down. She stopped me and said "no."
I asked her why and all she could reply was just "no."
Then she looked at me and asked why I had that look on my face.
"The look of defeat." She answered.
A couple of days later I was speaking to our neighbor. Her husband had been having a frustrating time dealing with a contractor. His wife said out of concern for him..."I have never seen my husband so defeated."
So, here was a wife who was concerned about someone else causing her husband pain, and my wife was causing mine for me.
So, defeat has raised itself up from the mat again in my life. It is my turn to respond. I know that I can beat it. I will have to change and adjust my attack. This time I will not be out to win friends and succeed in other people's eyes. This time it is to be my authentic self. The rest of the world be damned.