It's All My Fault, Part 2

Okay, I had a mini revelation of sorts. Over the last couple of years I have really been focusing on why I am the way that I am and how the f I ended up where I am.

I realized, tonight, that defeat slapped me in the face throughout my life. In the form of my mom slapping me in the face as a kid. My dad belittling my hopes and dreams as I grew up. And it climaxed as a giant fist to the face when my wife began refusing.

Everything I did in life was in good faith. I had the best of intentions to do well in regards to others. I guess I wanted to be liked.
Well, nothing in my youth was good enough according to those around me.

The spirit of defeat overcame me. It was so bad that many times I felt defeat so strongly that I couldn't even attempt things that I wanted to do.

Then, I met my future wife. We had a ball together. She (at least I thought) was devoted to me. We got along well, and she was smoking hot. LOL. I thought that she would be one consistent thing in my life. She was the victory over all of the defeat I had known. It made living in this town tolerable. It erased the bad memories. After all, I was so driven to beat the defeat down in my life. I never asked for help from anyone. It was shear will that got me through it.

On a side note, my smoking hot wife really let herself go after we got married. I even had other people comment on it. But, it didn't bother me, because I loved her.

When my wife started refusing me, that devil, defeat, reared it's ugly head again.
I recall specifically, one afternoon, my wife was getting something out of the closet.
I approached her, dropped to knees, to perform oral on her. I grabbed the waste of her pants to pull them down. She stopped me and said "no."
I asked her why and all she could reply was just "no."
Then she looked at me and asked why I had that look on my face.
"What look?"
"The look of defeat." She answered.

A couple of days later I was speaking to our neighbor. Her husband had been having a frustrating time dealing with a contractor. His wife said out of concern for him..."I have never seen my husband so defeated."
So, here was a wife who was concerned about someone else causing her husband pain, and my wife was causing mine for me.

So, defeat has raised itself up from the mat again in my life. It is my turn to respond. I know that I can beat it. I will have to change and adjust my attack. This time I will not be out to win friends and succeed in other people's eyes. This time it is to be my authentic self. The rest of the world be damned.
ManMovingForward ManMovingForward
46-50, M
12 Responses Jun 17, 2012

Seems very much like me... trying to please to be liked. Did it for too long, and I know by then why one can lose self-esteem. You forget about your own agenda, your goals, and subject yourself to others'. Wify doesn't necessarily start dominating (?!?) or ignoring you (your needs) consciously at the start but she gets there and then doesn't show much care after a period (years...).
Wanting to please: in bed (our like you, out of bed on your knees!) you're trying to please, feeling pressure and stress (gee... grow-up!) and she won't be satisfied... you feel you underperformed, you feel lousy, and rejected because of lack of reciprocity.

I've been there... now working to rebuild my image and self-esteem.


Take care and good luck!

Thanks for your comments, YH. I am not out to regain anything from her. I'm out to truly establish myself. Maybe it sounds selfish, but my life, as I lived it, nearly killed me.

I am at the <br />
sidelines<br />
cheeering...<br />
It feels sooo strange...<br />
but in my <br />
humble opinion...<br />
its almost like the pendulum has to swing radically <br />
for a season...<br />
until an acurrate balance is struck<br />
beween<br />
the i love meeee<br />
and i love youandwanttopleaseyou...<br />
joyinthejourney, clg

Ah, the balance....always difficult...always the goal.

You are growing in self knowledge and understanding and this is empowering you. Mistakes happen to everyone, it's how you react to them that forms or changes your character. So, reflect and learn and grow in wisdom. You are working it out inside your head; it is quite a journey. I look forward to seeing your growth in self help and empowerment.

If you feel defeated, change the game. Play one where success depends only on your abilities and motivation, not that of other people.

Life sucks sometimes and it may often seem that you just can't catch a break. Like the joke is always on you. Life is has a way of sneaking of up and *****-slapping and sucker punching you. You don't always see it coming and you are never really prepared for it. <br />
But you being able to say "You know what, **** this and **** you" is one way you gain control and say you won't let this **** cripple you. Life builds you up to beat you down, but this post you made tell us: You may be down, but you are not out!<br />
<br />
<br />
Good for you!

I don't know if you have seen the movie "Pure Luck" with Martin Short. I was just like Martin Short in that movie as a kid growing up. If there was ****, I was sure to step in it. In college, I got a nice job working with troubled teens. When I got that job I noticed my life slowly changing for the better. I say the similarity between me and those kids. I also ran across some psychology stuff that said clumsy people bury their anger. I guess that it comes out in nervousness and clumsiness. It really made me stand back and take a good look at myself. Growing up, I was never allowed to display any emotions or opinions that I may have had. So, needless to say, I really started focusing on my real inner feelings. It's just easy to fall back into learned patterns. It is something that I have to stay on top of.

Oh, I don't doubt that. I think it will take a very conscious effort to change or break old habits, but I think with time, it can be done - or at the very least, you will get so used to it, you won't even realize that you automatically, subconsciously handle things differently.

What is interesting is that since my wife and I have been doing our own thing, I feel so much more relaxed. I didn't realize how much she imposed on me during any brief moment I have.
I noticed my sister in law treating my BIL the same way. He would sit back and relax on Father's Day and she would yell at him to do this or that. I asked him if he was in trouble or something. He replied "no, why?"
It was amazing that he didn't notice the meanness in her voice when she spoke to him.

We can sure learn a lot about ourselves during this process.

Self-esteem is such a devilishly tricky balance: too much or too little of it will bring on all sorts of negative life and relationship consequences. Like you, I have struggled with it on the low side of the scale my entire existence and I am certain low self regard is, more than anything, what led me into my current SM situation. Now I have land in sight, my divorce will likely be final in a matter of a couple months, and soon I will be released into the wild of the dating pool. I would be lying if I said I wasn't more than a little bit frightened, but I also believe that self-esteem is really only developed under circumstances which are demanding of one's self, it never grows in the midst of complacency and stagnation. One only needs to push past that initial barrier of fear.

Damning the rest of the world makes it a lonely place, you might as well join a monastic order or even better take to living the life of a hermit in the wilderness. So, I hope that what you are feeling now is an extreme reaction to an extreme imposition and that like balance scales you will eventually find your median.<br />
<br />
If you don't then she wins, her way of existing wins, you lose and the world loses.<br />
<br />
Do you want to give her, 'them', that satisfaction?

That is the key. Be your authentic self and everything else will fall into place. Being yourself though can be challenging. It can take patience with yourself and you have to be honest with your self and hold yourself to your standard of being yourself. If you have spent a long time not being yourself it will take awhile to rediscover who you are.<br />
<br />
Welcome to the club of people who are rediscovering themselves.

Good on you in choosing to fight for your self worth. I can completely sympathise with the lack of self esteem being refused brings upon one. <br />
<br />
I now suggest that you draw up the bill for your wifes actions and present it to her. Its about time she was made accountable for her actions. Only than will she realise that you are not defeated but perhaps it is her that will be defeated.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

There is "defeat", and there is "tactical withdrawal".<br />
<br />
The latter is the one where you gather whatever resources you can, and fight a rearguard action retreating to a more secure locality. There, you gather your resources, build on them and develop a brand new strategy. That involves a pro-active stance, and if possible, YOUR choice as to where, and when, the next engagement is to take place. <br />
<br />
Controlling the "where" is good. Controlling the "when" is even better. Rarely do you get to choose both the "where" and the "when" however. The "when" is the better card to hold.<br />
<br />
And you need intelligence reports. And information. In this case you need information about how the engagement might shake out under the rules of war in your jurisdiction. Everything hangs off that information. The information will give you a pretty clear picture of "where" it will be fought, what collateral damage you will likely sustain, and how the peace might be maintained after. The timing, the critical "when", remains at your discretion.<br />
<br />
Get your information. Gather your intelligence. This will all come together into a cognisent plan, and YOU will control the "when".<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

You will be successful. Screw everyone else. You do need to do it for yourself. You will and I am here to help you my friend. You and I have more in common than either of us will ever know. Do work!! :)