Leaving Myself

Dear ...........
I will never forget the day I met you,
I was heart broken, lost and alone.
You came out of nowhere and scooped me off of my feet,
You had a way about you I just couldn’t resist, and you still do.
We have been through so much, its been a great ride,
Highs and lows, ups and downs,
some what rich and poor, but never apart.
We have grown TOGETHER,
We have a family to call our very own,
A beautiful daughter and a gorgeous son,
just saying those words brings a smile to my face.
We did good ..., we did good.
And now 11 years later, I am not that young girl anymore,
That lover, best friend, partner in crime,
Secret keeper and key holder to your heart, is gone.
I am a very devoted mother, caregiver and house keeper…..
Sadly you choose to ignore that I have become a woman,
And you choose to ignore this beautiful woman every day and every night.
Maybe you think she will never leave, and maybe you are right,
But know this, you are destroying this beautiful woman,
Beating her into submission will only make her numb, and absent,
And our children deserve better than a distracted not all there mom!
I have yet to explore being a women,
To be able to think and talk and act like one,
A woman who knows what she wants, and has no shame or fear
In asking for anything, a well deserved milestone I’d say.
But before I can embrace “womanhood” with open arms,
I suppress it, crush her hopes and dreams before they even happen,
because “that” is better than the truth.
I am not worthy of your love.

You have destroyed what’s left of this wonderful woman
she has loved you unconditionally for 11 years,
and has been there for you and stuck by you when NO ONE else did,
defying her family and personal beliefs for you.
And now, you hear her cry herself to sleep night after night,
Feeling unloved, unwanted, out of place,
and chose to do nothing.
How can you sit there and just listen?
Have you no heart at all?
Have you no love or compassion left in you?
How can she love you knowing these things?
How can she look you in the eyes with love,
and even want to touch you knowing this truth?
She doesn't!

You have been lucky all along, and you know it,
but you can’t see the part YOU have played in her decline,
and now that you have lost that wonderful girl you once loved,
its all “the mother of your child’s” fault.

her heart, her soul, her body, her trust, her family, her devotion, passion, and unconditional LOVE, but you strut around like she is NOTHING,
I admit, it’s a long list of things to have to take,
and it was probably too much for you, so what did you do???
You threw it all away, and for what? I wish I knew.
She made you the MAN you are today, never forget that!
I wish you would release me from these invisible chains,
I wish you had an ounce of mercy left for me.
Because you are right I will never leave, I will just die.
                                                                           Happy anniversary
oceansun oceansun
36-40, F
16 Responses Jun 18, 2012

This has made me feel very sad about your situation and I do not even know you nor am I ever sad.I really feel for you,what you wrote was very hard to keep reading.Omg it tore my heart up.
I hope you heal one day and that you feel very good about yourself and life too.
It never hurts to have an back up plan.Perhaps just a mental plan or something written out for you to consider every so often.
I wish you the best for the rest of your life.Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, this was written about a year ago, things have gotten way better since then.
We still have our ups and downs, but things are significantly better.

Oh well then I am super happy for you.I need to remember to look at the time stamp on stories,I tend to just read a story and comment.
I wish you continued success in your life.

Oh well thanks!

I feel your pain. There is nothing that I have felt as dehumanizing and draining as a sexless, loveless marriage. We lose our self worth, become vulnerable and ashamed, and tend to blame ourselves. Finally you are at the point where you know that it isnt your fault.It is only through hopelessness that we are able to feel hope. Awakening comes in stages, a litle at a time, and as we become aware, we are able to grow and change.Nothing stays the same - ever. Do not give up hope!

That is the most beautifully written and saddest thing I have read ....

Good Lord! How did I miss this story?!! <br />
<br />
Ocean, nobody here is disappointed in you. Yes, you need to live. Thank God you hove gotten to the point that you see this. It is the first step in getting your life back. You were "better off" before you found this place because you were a zombie. Numb. Mostly dead. Now life returns to your soul and it aches like a limb when blood supply is restored. You are better off with the pain. <br />
<br />
Your kids. Your kids. I suspect they can feel that something is wrong. One of the watershed events in my life was the evening our son took first me then his mother in hand brought us face to face and said "Kiss." No kiss happened. He was about six at the time. Brings tears to my eyes just to think of it now. He knew.<br />
<br />
Golferel is correct, this is poetry. You have such a beautiful soul! Do not let him kill it!

/..You bring tears to my eyes, I wish I could hug you, all of you.
....Thank you

I can vouch for where an unhealthy attachment to a person who simply doesn't care about you will eventually end up... and you should treat it seriously, because you WILL die if you try to prop up your marriage on one side only.<br />
<br />
I seem to recall writing a similar "Letter to Santa Claus" in one of my stories, with tinges of suicidal ideations. I re-read that every time I wonder, "could I have done anything more/different?" Honestly, I think my recipient has a better chance of delivering the goods than yours.

Ms O, you don't need ILIASM to sort your stuff out.<br />
<br />
It might accelerate your learning curve (and hopefully has assisted in this regard up to this point) but often, it is best to just hack along in your way, at your pace, in your style, using your unique talents.<br />
<br />
The genie is out of the bottle, and won't be forced back in, and, this group will still be going (should you want to tap into it again) long after the present membership have floated off into the ether, and the next generations of mvcmvc's etc, take their place.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path Ms O. If that route crosses this way in the future, so be it. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. <br />
<br />

stay strong for your own sake and that of your precious kids

You need to hit bottom - and reality - before you can start climbing up again.<br />
<br />
You are not disappointing anyone on here - we have our own lives to worry about.<br />
<br />
Good luck to you.

I was so much better off before I found this place.<br />
I had no idea what he was doing to me, i genuinely believed he had too much stress to be intimate, and ya it hurt, but not like now.<br />
Now?<br />
I have never hurt this bad , ever, I feel I'm at a funeral everyday grieving the loss of my lover, I feel I am desperately trying to resuscitate a dead man.<br />
"This" is worse than before, because now I am aware.<br />
I can't ignore it, how can I unlearn everything I've learned here?<br />
How ca I ignore it now?<br />
I can't, so what's next, give up.<br />
I give up because I am exhausted from fighting this, I am so deep i need to just let go.<br />
I feel I haven't seen my kids in weeks, I need to be 100% here, and not 20 here and the rest God knows where.<br />
Plus, my kids they deserve more, because they are my only joy in life right now.<br />
I know I'm disappointing ALL of you, I know,<br />
But I am tired, and I need to stop trying to fix the un fixable, the sooner I do this, the sooner I can breath again.<br />
I hope this makes sense, I just tired of fighting, my head is always going, and I need some silence for once, i need to shut this off.<br />
Thanks everyone.<br />
I was hoping my last story would be a successful one, but accepting it is the best I can do, for now, I need to live and stop worrying.<br />
Thanks again.<br />
Ocean sun

I took many breaks from worrying. It is too hard to think about every day. I even remember at one point disappearing from ep for many weeks - I wanted to be sure that I was not simply being influenced by the decisions of others. After one last attempt to make it work, I started talking to my friends...and their opinions were similar to the ones here. And then my parents...also same opinion. There is no harm in setting the conflict aside for a time. It will be there when you are ready.

Ocean he might be doing it to you but you have the coice on whether to accept it or not. I hope you find the strength to do something about it. <br />
<br />
Private message me sometime for a good talk<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Oceansun,<br />
<br />
I can feel the heartbreak in your words. I, among so many others here, share your agony. At least we suffer together. <br />
<br />

like that song adele sings...> could of had it all, but you played it

Joseph isn't doing this to you. <br />
<br />
By stating you will not leave and live this way, you are resigning yourself to the same treatment. <br />
<br />
You can't change another person. You can only change yourself, and create the boundaries for what you will and won't accept in a personal relationship. <br />
<br />
As a recovering co-dependent, I can tell you that your letter has all the hallmarks of a person who struggles with this issue. Google the term and read. It was through my work on my own co-dependency that ultimately allowed me to leave my dysfunctional, sexless marriage. <br />
<br />
Good luck

Oh boy I have been there... hang in there Ocean, there is a life after your heartbreak! <br />
<br />
You lived without him before, you can do it again. Find someone worthy of you!

"We have a family to call our very own,<br />
A beautiful daughter and a gorgeous son,<br />
just saying those words brings a smile to my face.<br />
We did good Joe, we did good."<br />
<br />
<br />
That is poetry, OS. Heartfelt and filled with gratitude. I use these words of yours everyday because we have a daughter and son just like yours. <br />
<br />
But don"t throw yourself into a box. The same person who gave, and continues to give, unconditionally will most likely throw some unconditional love her own way sometime. I believe you are too strong to "never leave" as you say. You are young, smarty, savvy and filled with beautiful thoughts. What ever you do or whatever happens you will not let this man squash you. You are well on your way of becoming the person YOU and your children need.

Hey dear,<br />
<br />
I am so sorry for you. It was the same for me dear. He is way younger to me and couldnt understand the meaning of commitment, feeling of passion or being one. It was all the evolved over a period of time. It was tough to carry on with that life. I was losing all my hope, but never stopped to shower my love for him. One fine day by god's grace he did understand the meaning of all the tears I have shed every night all those years, he did attach meaning to the sufferings and sacrifices I had gone through for him.<br />
<br />
He is the man I really wanted and he is the man I really love.. <br />
<br />
Kindly dont lose hope dear. I fought my battle. I knew I was losing. God's divine hand showed me a victory. <br />
<br />
Its easy to end a relationship than to mend it. There is a lot of happiness, when the man you love understands you and loves you back the way you want to..<br />
<br />
My prayers with you and Joseph. Love him all the more. Dont lose hope.<br />
<br />
Regards<br />