Sexlessness And CodependancyI don't think Sexlessness is caused by codependency. However, the revers is true - a sexless marriage IS codependant ASSUMING you are a person who NEEDS love, emotional connection, and physical intimacy. I read somewhere that “Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself." I can't think of a better definition of nearly all my relationships.
I find it all out of whack with my world view. I think of codependents as people who put up with spouses addictions and beatings, infidelities, etc...I also tend to think of that as a weakness, which never fit my worldview, and I saw my actions as exclusively good and coming from a point of strength....which turns out...is classic codependent.
As I think back on my marriage, I try to remember the last time I felt loved. Not the last time I felt love, but the last time I felt her love me. I have to go back to a few days before our wedding. But I do remember feeling my love for her nearly constantly, and expressing my love all the time. That was powerful enough, even though that does not make any sense.
One thing I find odd is the way codependency is fr
I see this more clearly in light of her fear of an early death. Maybe I am making excuses. but she had every reason to fear an early death. So I am coming to a conclusion here - I had no control over that fear. She came by it honestly and while I'm gutshot right now...she could no more have chosen to be a good wife than I could have chosen to be a bad husband. She simply did not have or need the tools to live a normal life. As long as I was around, she had no reason to heal herself, as I provided all the social interaction she needed, the money through my work, etc...
But when I look back at previous relationships...I do see codependancy patterns. I wonder if it is simply my response to difficulty in a relationship. Sort of a by-product of 'if at first you fail, try, try again.' I would give more and more hoping to get what I wanted.
I don't know if there is much value to thinking about these things...but I'm finding it is a little helpful, now that I am out, to analyze my role in all of this, and realizing that giving and giving is not an inherent good.