Not Sure What Is Wrong

This is my second marriage and I love my husband with all of my heart. We have been married for just over nine years and have 4 children ranging in ages from 17 to 4. (yes two of them were from my first marriage). In the beginning we had a wonderful sex life. He has always been very attentive and caring. We have been through a lot of financial difficulties in the last 5 years that would have caused most people to divorce and it only brought us closer together except in the bedroom. We do have issues with finding some time with our kids always being around, but we can always get creative about it. He just doesn't seem to be interested in sex anymore. We are lucky to have sex 1 time in 6 month time period. After reading some of the other stories on this site I realize that is still a lot to some of you, but I feel like there is something wrong with me always wanting sex and my husband not wanting me. He says he loves me, but just doesn't know what is wrong. I have gained a little weight since we got married, but not a ton. I just don't know what to do to turn things around. We are too young to start down this road.
perplexedrain perplexedrain 41-45, F 7 Responses Jun 20, 2012

Your Response


You said "He says he loves me, but just doesn't know what is wrong. I have gained a little weight since we got married, but not a ton."

It sounds like he's fallen out of love with you. Well, sure he loves you, but he's not showing the signs of being 'in love' with you. It's possible that the weight gain is a contributor, but there is likely to be many issues to resolve.

Some people will simply say that the 'why' doesn't matter, and you should deal with the consequences. But it doesn't sound like you are at that point just yet. You should still attempt to find out what is going on. If for no other reason than to prevent a pattern of failed marriages.

You might start by asking your H to list the things that he found attractive about you when you were first dating. Have any of those things changed? You might do the same about him. Now the second questions is, would both of you be willing to address any gaps or shorts in the list?

However you get your information, you need the knowledge which will permit you to make decisions. Set goals and timelines. Then do what you needs to be done to improve your situation. It may take a long time. It may be painful. But life is short, so start acting now.

BTW: Once you fall into the once-a-month or less zone, you are on a steep downhill path to either a divorce or a completely sexless marriage. Don't wait for your H to initiate, make your own moves if you want any chance of recovery.

The only hope I can see is to make it really clear that if he does not go to a doctor and get everything checked out IMMEDIATELY (deadline!!) - or if he knows this is psychological or due to some emotion gets help for that - then you are leaving (deadline 2!!!).

How long do you want to live like this?

This is either a blip on the radar or the start of entrenched behaviour.

You are hoping it is a blip.

All the evidence in your story suggests it is entrenched behaviour.

Try this -

assume that this is entrenched behaviour. That what you see in front of your eyes here and now is 'as good as it is going to get'.

Think on that.

Think on that REAL hard. Tumble it around your head for a while. Take your time. Then think it through again.

Then, ask yourself this question - "am I up for another 4 decades of this ?"

If you are, then thanks for coming along and telling your story.

If you ain't, then post again. Some idea of where you'd like to drive your life would be helpful. There is a goodly amount of information available here to help you through the swamp.

Tread your own path.

I have tried to initiate the sex before and have been rejected and felt burned by it. I usually wait on him to initiate it. I guess I will try to initiate the move again and see if I get shot down. We have talked about him having low testosterone, but he has not been to the doctor to do anything about it.

There could be a hundred and one reasons for him not to be turned on by living in your company, some to do with him and some to do with him. However, if it does not bother him enough to motivate him to start working through the possibilities one-by-one then you are at an impasse before you even get started. It is the chicken and egg conundrum, how do you deal with a problem if you do not sense it's existence? He has to be motivated for your sake, rather than his own. Have you asked him why he cannot make that simple gesture?

Good question by NoNookie.

Also, has he been stressed out? Maybe he feels like the financial problems are his fault and he feels responsible for providing for his family and he feels like he is failing at it and therefore stressed and a bit emasculated?

Has he been sick?

Has he been checked for ED or low testosterone?

Can you arrange for a babysitter for a night and then try for some intimacy?

Maybe go out to a nice dinner (or make one at home if funds are tight).

Have some wine, candles, etc and set the mood.

Wear some lingerie.

See what happens.

So are you attempting to initiate sex and getting rejected, or are you waiting for him to initiate and show interest and he doesn't?