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Sexless...should I Start An Affair?!!

Love has long left my marriage.My hubby and I now just stay for our kids who are very young.We have no sex for a year and we just cannot communicate.I want to know if he is having an affair so I can have one too, without guilt.But he'll never admit even if he is really cheating behind my back.I feel like having an illicit affair with my ex-bf.I feel so lacking of something in my marriage...what a dilema!!!
xallyanne xallyanne 41-45, F 16 Responses Jun 20, 2012

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Please don't feed the trolls!

You people are disgusting.

Time to consider some exit plans just for the fun of it...staying in an unhappy marriage will kill your soul. I do know something about that --you are still young enough to have a life. These sexless people will not change and it will only become more painful as time goes by. He is showing you how much he loves you by his interest in being with you.

If you are thinking about having an affair (or a FWB relationship) please read my story "Outsourcing your needs". I am neither for nor against from a moralistic viewpoint. I do however believe you need to be informed as to the possible outcomes of this choice if you decide to take this path. Informed choice results in better outcomes.

Affair is not a solution, pls discuss with him, what he want or u want

To follow up on my earlier comment about being prepared, there are more issues to consider when comtemplating the affair route.



1. Affairs generally are temporary solutions to permanent problems. When the affair runs its course and ends, you are back again at home with a problem marriage.



2. If the affair developes into a true love relationship (and you don't get together), then you are back at home, perhaps even less happy.



3. If the affair developes into a true love relationship and you BOTH decide to be together, then you have to pull the plug on your marriages (if you are both married) to enable you to be together. This can be quite challenging.



4. Affairs demand that you possess a certain skill set. You need nerves of steel, an ability to compartmentalize your life to a degree that many would find unacceptable, time, money, and some game in order to meet someone. There are generally no commitments involved in the affair crowd. You can't commit to someone who is already married. This might, or might not become a problem.



5. Affairs demand discretion. It means possessing the ability to get a piece on the side and keep your mouth closed about it. That can be very difficult at times and can tax even the hardiest of souls.



With that said, there is a way around some of what I outlined above.



That is, tell your TRUTH. Inform the spouse that you no longer find it acceptable to live without intimacy in your life and that you NO LONGER WILL DO IT.



This gives the spouse one of 3 options while simultaneously returning your power to you:



Option 1. Step up to the plate and get reengaged in the marriage.

Option 2. Accept - without complaint - that you are going to get your intimate needs met elsewhere.

Option 3. Depart the marriage.



Informing the spouse of your intentions gives them the opportunity to respond. If they choose option 1, then great. You get to work together for the good of the marriage.



If they choose Option 2 then you are NOT having an affair, since they have been informed. You live you life as you see fit, practicing discretion.



If they choose Option 3 then it's over.



Best of luck.

I had an affair after 5 years of a nearly sexless marriage. No regrets, but I am having trouble extricating myself from affair activity. I cannot do it. It is like an addiction because in a short amount of time, you receive the attention, affection, and release, that you should be receiving from your spouse. Hard to give up. That said, you are human and have needs too. Wish I had answers for you. I can only tell you that affairs are a way to survive, not a way to fix it.

Do you really have to give up an affair? What for? To devote yourself again to sexless misery?

I live in a sexless marriage and tried an affair once. I soon realized that since I am married, the affair complicated my life. Divided loyalty only resulted in complications for me because I want a long term relationship - including mutually desired intimacy with one person - my soulmate. If I decide to not continue in this marriage, I will seek divorce and then try to find my soulmate - with shared satisfying sex. Best wishes for your quest to have what you need and deserve from marriage and life. Life is too short to settle for less!

The answer is within you..do what works for YOU. Personally, I felt like a new woman when I had an affair, but I had exhausted other options and feel no guilt. If guilt is an issue you are not cut out for it.

It doesn't matter what he is doing - if you want to step out, you will find a way to justify it.

Even IF he isn't cheating, I do not believe it would change the outcome with regards to your marriage OR your cheating. I think it will only delay the inevitable: you will cheat later instead of sooner.



But you need to figure out if you are ready to handle the consequences that will come should you cheat.

^ Yep, what she said.

Thats exactly right! And the second we say i'll never do it, is when we do. But we do justify it sooner or later.

Whatever you end up doing, make it an INFORMED choice.



Re-read the comment by mvcmvc. Read it over and over again until it is burned into your brain.



Assess the risk, have a contingency plan in do-able shape.



Then - choose your course of action.



And don't bleat (or gloat) about the outcome that emerges from your choice.



Tread your own path.

Everyone has their own moral compass, mine does not include affairs, regardless of my situation predominately because when I leave, I want it to be about why I left, and not for who (or the ramifications of who). It's most likely to make you more resentful towards your husband. Why make an existing situation even more complicated?

Being in a sexless marriage** I have thought about an affair also. Had the talk with my spouse and she has an appointment to ensure that there are no physical issues while I take care of my part. She has never been a good or adventurous lover, but I am not going to cast fidelity aside yet, even though I yearn for excitement.



Have the talk first. Nobody should be made to feel undesirable. Part of the talk is to express that your husband attends to your sexual satisfaction. Go for it, and be firm - it is going to take a lot of emotional investment.



**Disclaimer - well, today was able to seduce my spouse and make things fun for her, so we will see how things go. I wish she would take an interest in initiating things, but I will take it one day at a time and count the little victories.

Honey, no. Affairs are never the answer. They have destroyed many a life. You say that your marriage is loveless...well, if I may, I would like to give my honest opinion. If it is loveless, that means that you have both fallen away from God. Marriage is a special union between two people that God created. He never meant for people to start getting divorces and having affairs. Marriage is sacred. And it's not all about sex. It's about true love. My only advice is that you should try to focus your marriage on God. If not for your sake and the sake of your marriage, at least for the sake of your children.

Some of us did try, wholeheartedly, to throw ourselves - body, soul, and heart, into religion to get ourselves out of the PAIN involved with a sexless, loveless marriage.

It's not "ALL" about sex, but sex has to be a part of it. It's the one thing that differentiates a marriage from any other friendship or roommate situation. It's part of the marriage vow. For that matter, 1 Corrinthians 7:2-5 encourages married people to not DEFRAUD one another and deny one another their bodies, as that causes the other (refused) to be led into temptation for sin (adultery).

According to the Bible, and other religious texts throughout the world, sexless marriage is not a marriage at all.

Testify!

I agree that it is not the answer. But you sound like someone who has not lived for years in a sexless marriage. You say it's not all about sex. You are right. But the apostle Paul in 1st Corinthians 7 had some things to say about sex in marriage. Your answer is a correct one to a certain extent, but I don't think that both have fallen away from God. I think one is being tempted heavily by their God-given sexuality because the other person is causing them to lust because they refuse to honor their spouse as God directs.

Also, it drives me bonkers because my Christian wife (and I am a Christian) is always harps on those people who are doing the wrong thing sexually, yet won't even touch me sexually for months. What hypocricy!

Agree...they commit adultery they are having an affair withthemselevs love themselves more...makes me crazy

Ditto

Yep...same here..my H hasn't touched me in over 10 plus years.we are both Christain...drives me crazy...I look great not an issue...
Says I can't believe how much people talk about sex...i
I AM thinking are you serious

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BEFORE you step in front of the affair train, you need to know how a divorce would pan out in your jurisdiction.



See, even if the hubby IS having said affair, that does not mean he won't go ballistic if he finds out YOU are having one and kick you to the curb. Or, you fall in love with said affair partner and want to be with him forever, OR you, or both you and hubby, get sick and tired of living in a loveless marriage and want to kick each other to the curb.



Do your homework first, get a contingency plan in place BEFORE you engage in high risk behavior. That way you can feel a bit of control if/when the crap hits the fan.



Your marriage is already at elevated risk for divorce. May as well be prepared by getting informed on your rights/responsibilities so if/when that divorce happens you are prepared.



Be smart, play smart.

It might not be easy but it is worth it.