I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Who The Hell Do These Refusers Think They Are?

By: 88ElmiraSt

Written on June 20th, 2012

They won't have sex with you. But they won't give you their blessing to have sex with someone else. Not that you need their blessing, but the point is they don't want you to, even though they won't either. So they believe they have the right to de-sex you. What kind of person thinks they have the right to de-sex someone?

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By: 88ElmiraSt

Age: 46-50 , Male

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57 responses

Vee6304

On my first marriage I gained 35 lbs to have a 11 lbs baby I bounced back to my old shape and my ex said , well u r not the same person I married ????? WTF I said have u lost ur mind I said ? he said No ,,but he asked for another baby ,, mind u no sex because Im not the person he married ???

Aug 3, 2012
2 likes
kbgloves1

From the time that we met, my wife set about to change me, and while I didn't mind when I was 22, I became increasingly aware of this and dismayed as time went on. Co-dependency is an issue in all relationships, but a major issue in marriages. I assume that your wife believes that she loves you, even though she refuses to have sex with you. I can say this man to man - women, go figure!

Aug 2, 2012
1 like
gypsyblu

now that I have pretty much stopped, complaining to my refuser about his lack of desire, and his, don't want to go anywhere with you mind game, we get a long better,

but now he is displaying a little more affection, but all he wants is his 1 min sex session, I cant buy into it. I have little desire for him.

do these refusers really believe we will continue to want them ? after being pushed to the side, time and time again ?

Jul 16, 2012
3 likes
- 88ElmiraSt
  Yes, they do. Everything is arranged just the way they want it. They are satisfied, and being self-centered they therefore assume you are too. Being incapable of intimacy ans empathy, they easily brush of your pleadings and maintain the delusion that everything is hunky dory. So then they can, with a straight face, respond to your announcement that it is over with, "I had no idea you were so unhappy!"
  
  Jul 16, 2012
  1 like
2011A

Christ, dearheart! I know exactly what you mean...I am not "good" enough to physically love or to emotionally care for...But do try to control my every aspect of life...Who I talk to on the phone, where I go, every damn thing....And be very mean...By all means, do...Cause if you don't want me, I am sure "certain" no one else will...Well, guess what? I do not love you, and I have found Forever man. He cherishes me. And loves me. And we cannot wait to be together forever. So the joke is on YOU! While we will be dwelling together in love and happiness, you shall still be alone and miserable as usual...Thank you so very much for this posting. NO ONE has the right to de-sex anyone. Let us be free to LIVE. As we were meant to be. Not to feel undervalued and unloved for no good reason. We deserve love always.

Jul 15, 2012
3 likes
- Rosalinn
  2011A LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE!!! :)
  I do not fit in this group anymore...I used to be in a sexless marriage, but I'm well into my separation now and looking forward to my divorce. I don't know exactly who the refuser was...me or him. What I do know is that I did not want to have sex with him, at all, ever. I did everything I could think of to change that. I ready naughty books, watched 'girlie' ****, told the Dr. and got myself on anti-depressants. If I missed a way of helping the situation, I certainly didn't mean to. But, by the last few years, I could still only force myself to give it up three times a year or so. I felt so guilty over that fact and I never went outside of the marriage. Let me be clear...I have no idea if he did or not, and at this point in my life it doesn't matter. He made me feel like complete **** over the situation. However, in the end, it turned out I was being emotionally abused and didn't know it. I've moved passed trying to figure out who was at fault and I'm just living for me know. And guess what? I've rediscovered the 'lusty, sexy' side of me. :) :)
  Just a side note, I'm am now somewhat involved with a 'refused' who couldn't take it anymore but is still in his marriage. It feels intoxicatingly good to know that I can fill a need for him and he does the same for me. Of course, it helps that I am immensely attracted to him!!
  As 2011A said, let us be free to live, as we were meant to be!!
  
  Jul 15, 2012
  1 like
- 2011A
  Rosalinn-I adore you! I applaud you! kisses....I too tried everything under the sun and the moon and the stars and the sunbeams and anything else too! For the longest time, I thought it was my fault! He liked that too! I have always been sexy. I look great. I am great. Tired of being pushed down. Held down. Squashed. Hope your new love gets out. He will when he is ready! I found my Forever man here on EP! Soon we will be together. I love him so very much and he loves and cherishes me! Still amazes me! We were meant to live! Each one of us! And I am happier now than ever in my entire life. I am not a member of this forum either...I did not find it useful for me...Others do as they like...Good luck to everyone who wants to live...
  
  Jul 15, 2012
  1 like
- loveconfused32
  I no longer fit into this group either, maybe I should see if there is one for us who were denied but broke free from marriage. Life is so much better on the other side! I wish I had realized what my marriage really was before I wasted so many years in it breaking my self esteem and self worth down. Refusers just suck. Plain and simple. They are not worth our time anymore. They can't or won't try to help the situation no wonder we start to despise them. I found my forever man too. I like that - i am going to remember that term. He was refused too for a decade in his marriage. I wonder how many of us end up finding someone in the same shoes as us. It does feel incredibly amazing to fill his needs as he fills mine. All the best to you.
  
  Aug 18, 2012
  1 like
flyingstone

To end the marriage is the final solution. It does work to end living with someone in a marriage who cannot share themselves in an intimate manner. All the other explosions that take place also add to the destruction of your life. However, now there is hope for something better. Sometimes that is what remains, you build another life but with hope.

Jul 7, 2012
2 likes
petediscreet

It’s a pity that despite a few thousand years of civilisation, mankind hasn’t been able to resolve these differences amicably. Divorce is one solution, but hardly amicable.

The refused see it as bloody-mindedness on the part of the refuser, because we are not getting what we want. They see it as bloody-mindedness on our part for wanting what they don’t want to supply. If we demand it with force, we are subject to being charged with rape. The thing is, refusing is a form of rape – forcing us to do something against our will, namely, remain celibate. It’s passive aggressive, and unfortunately there is no mechanism to address it. It’s like forcing a Springsteen fan to attend an opera recital every Sunday afternoon.

There is no way to ascertain before marriage what your partners attitude will be after marriage. If you asked them, they wouldn’t tell you, they probably don’t even know themselves. You are then locked into what is supposed to be a life-long monogamous contract. Divorce is available as a circuit breaker, but with a lot of loose ends – children, property, alimony, etc. Again, unfortunately, someone comes out the loser, even in a no-fault situation like irreconcilable differences.

One way or another, you have to choose the lesser of two evils, stay unhappy, or leave and cut your losses.

Jun 23, 2012
1 like
darktippedrose

a person that uses you and want to control you and benefit from you without putting in any hard work

Jun 23, 2012
2 likes
nonookie

"Maybe if you did the washing up, ran her a bath eased her stress just gave her a massage or watched a chick flit or spent a day on foreplay."

--------

In celebration all the longtime SM veterans like myself, I raise a toast to all the obstacle courses exhaustingly run with never a ticker tape, or finish line in sight. To so many cheese-less tunnels hopefully explored, and wild goose chases enthusiastically undertaken. Been there, done that, never again. Bottoms up.

Jun 22, 2012
3 likes
- 88ElmiraSt
  Did you try back rubs? I gave my wife a back rub, and after two years of refusing, she rode me like a cowgirl on speed. I didn't think I'd survive.
  SM neophytes might actually believe this story.
  
  Jun 22, 2012
  1 like
- msdamgoode
  Oh, that made me laugh! *wipes tears*
  
  Jun 23, 2012
  1 like
- NMBtruth1
  LMAO, science fiction for sure, LOL
  
  Jul 18, 2012
  1 like
- loveconfused32
  LOL
  
  Aug 18, 2012
  1 like
- loveconfused32
  "maybe if the house was more tidy (with toddlers) and he came home to a calm quiet clean house and a nice dinner and me all done up"..... Yeah. Because I never tried that. And those were the comments from my MOM when she found out we were separating. Girls get the same nonsense excuses and reasons same as guys do for why their partners don't desire them anymore. It is all BS.
  
  Aug 18, 2012
  1 like
2 More Replies
Frustrated1978

They dont have all the power. Unfortunately in most cases the refused falsely believes the Refuser wields all the power. The only power the refuser wields is the power to refuse.

The Refused have the far greater power of not accepting thier actions and holding them to account. This could be in the form of many things, initiating Divorce, Pulling the plug on joint financial commitments if you are the breadwinner, relequishing all domestic household assistance once offered etc.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Jun 21, 2012
1 like
LaoTzu

Ahh...another clueless individual who fell down the rabbit hole. MissXT, please read a little more widely here before offering advice. People in this forum have generally gone above and beyond the standard heart warmers and passion igniters.

Jun 21, 2012
7 likes
- enna30
  LIKE ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- 88ElmiraSt
  Communication exercises too.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
MistressXTina

Maybe if you did the washing up, ran her a bath eased her stress just gave her a massage or watched a chick flit or spent a day on foreplay. There is nothing so annoying as a angry rude one coming straight at you. If you make it about the other they will get round to thinking about you. Start making love to me in the morning you can bet I will be ready when I get home. If above fails you need to do yourself a favour and get your loving elsewhere. Some people are just not capable of considering the needs of others. Life is just too short your body will only last so long use it or loose it

Jun 21, 2012
1 like
- TheFullMoon
  MistressXTina, are you in sexless marriage for 3-5-10 years?
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- 88ElmiraSt
  No, they will not get around to thinking of you in a sex way. That's the whole point. No matter what you do, they will not budge.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- angryguy77
  MXT, I'll add my .02. WE'VE ALL TRIED THESE THINGS.
  This line that you are using is straight out of the refusers playbook. Do x,y and z and maybe you'll get thrown a treat. It's a line of bs, you obviously have no understanding of what many of us here have gone through. The +words most commonly said here are "I don't know what else to do" and "I've tried everything"
  Of course people need to treat the other well if they want to be intimate, but don't make it sound as though there is some magic formula because there isn't. People are either attentive to the needs of their spouse, or they are not.
  sigh, why did I even waste my time with that.
  
  Jun 22, 2012
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  why i s 2011 still here trying to convince every one for...
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
1 More Reply
unreality66

I don't know you can totally ever understand the refuser - unless you have played that role. Mine can not make the effort to be with me, but comes sniffing around when he feels threatened (I have nothing to hide, I'm not doing anything) - so basically it's self imposed torture on his part to himself - he can think what he wants, I have done nothing wrong in this venue. Who the hell knows what he is thinking? Who wants to live like that? Not me.

Jun 21, 2012
1 like
TheFullMoon

A refuser brakes the rules of the game.... You forced to play his/her game or play your personal... After braking the rules you are not playing for each other only for yourself...

Jun 21, 2012
6 likes
- bazzar
  Gold from sister moon.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
hl42

I don't think they're necessarily controlling, but they do tend to be excellent at self-justification (as are we all).

And, as we know, there are many schemes & playbooks & ideologies that give them all the justification they need. Rights but no responsibility. Autonomy for me but not for you. Selective memory for vows.

But all, getting them what they want and justifying their behavior.

That has no power though if you call them out - you do have power. And then they don't.

Jun 21, 2012
2 likes
msdamgoode

What kind of person thinks they have the right to de-sex someone?

A manipulator. Someone who feels they inherently need to control, regardless of what form that control takes. The more controlled you are, the safer they feel. Ironically, it puts them and the relationship in an even more precarious position because the balance is lost.

Jun 21, 2012
4 likes
LaoTzu

Never forget that you have the right to leave....anytime you want. No one gets a pass on making a choice. If you choose to stay in your sexless limbo, you have effectively made a choice. You can choose differently.

Jun 21, 2012
8 likes
- Changewilldoyougood
  The act of not choosing something else is a choice to stay.
  
  Jun 30, 2012
  1 like
MissLee

Ayup.

Jun 21, 2012
1 like
gypsyblu

shhhhhhh its a secret

Jun 20, 2012
2 likes
Dontlookback1

The kind I married? He doesn't want me but he sure as hell doesn't want anyone else to. Still trying to figure it out. Oh yeah, I never will....

Jun 20, 2012
2 likes
mvcmvc

We are all complicit, to some degree, in these dysfunctional dynamics.

Until you decide not to be.

However, you must be willing to pay the price - nothing in life is free - including standing up for yourself, your mental health and your genitals within the context of the sexless relationship.

Jun 20, 2012
7 likes
- zsuzsilowinger
  well said, well said.... the fact that that money originally went to ensure stay-at-home mothers did not end up destitute, along with children, is completely irrelevant in my case at least...damn
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- PrincessMore
  Yes, you have to pay to buy your freedom. It's not fair but that's the truth. Are you worth paying for? I thought I was and so rescued myself.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- enna30
  PM, succinct and SO right!!!
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
OutOfPatience

They are selfish and controlling. If they are asexual, then they feel that you should be asexual too. My wife walked into the bedroom naked. I said give me a hug. She said "Why?" They cannot understand how you can need something that they cannot need themselves. They do not understand how all the rejection takes a toll on you.

Jun 20, 2012
2 likes
- EinEngel
  Yes, it is this strange inability to understand the needs and feelings of the other person. I know all about that. My husband is the worst, and it extends beyond an ability to understand sexual needs of mine.
  
  Jun 20, 2012
  1 like
- 88ElmiraSt
  Does it mean anything to you that he gave up every single woman in the world and chose to have sex exclusively with you? That means when you are refusing he gets no sex...involuntarily. You sound like you think you have a wonderful marriage. I guarantee he is seething with resentment over the fact that you took control of his sexuality. He is, sooner or later, going to divorce you or have an affair.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- 88ElmiraSt
  Which, by the way, is how he will take control of his sex life.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- WednesdayFridayAddams
  So, if he should "take some sort of responsibility for (his) sex life", does that mean it would be perfectly fine with you if he took a lover? Would you feel "betrayed" and "abandoned" and "cuckholded"? Would you consider this to be a reason for you to file for a for-fault divorce?
  Do you object to his MBing? That is his "taking responsibility" for the physical aspect, anyway.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- selinamb
  once a month is no compromise.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- selinamb
  Your seething hatred for people who don't have high libidos like yourself is unbelievable. As I said in a different thread, I think I have made a mockery of this group by posting my problems on it since our relationship is clearly not in the disrepair of so many here. You mistake "taking responsibility" for enduring dissatisfaction. If the relationship is important enough, you will compromise and regain or create whatever is missing.
  Here's my ego: I'm waaay more enlightened than 90% of the "refusers" and 70% of you.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- selinamb
  Nothing conveys the notion of feeling safe in a relationship and making it a trusting place of intimacy quite like having an affair. Cheating means the relationship is done, so why not just divorce? I think you high libidos believe you're the only ones who build resentment from a mismatch.
  "I'll just have an affair!" is such an extreme act of betrayal. If both parties have given it the college try to find a solution and it turns out there is none, then the relationship should be ended. As for us, we have just now begun to rebuild so don't you dare push your own relationship failures off on me.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- enna30
  I think many people are in situations where there is compromise. It is serendipity (and pure accidental luck!) if you find yourself in a relationship with someone whose libido exactly matches your own. So I agree with you selinamb that compromise is important. What concerns me is that you identify as a "refuser". If you see yourself in this light, it may mean that you only have sex with your husband to keep him happy - rather than for your own pleasure and joy. Whilst this is honourable, it nevertheless denies your husband one of the most precious parts of marriage - the true union of two loving individuals who are BOTH equally "into" each other sexually. Frequency is something over which compromise is often necessary. But if your compromise is done purely to give your husband pleasure that you yourself don't feel, I feel very sad for you both. But please understand, I am NOT criticising you - I am simply pointing out that this situation is inherently tragic.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- Frustrated1978
  You think your marriage is perfect. Well if you unwrapped yourself from the coccoon you think is your perfect marriage and dig deeper, you will be surprised with what you will find. Perhaps a husband resentful of you? checking out Internet ****? having a mistress? or visiting a brothel?
  Do you know all of his finances, and if you think you do maybe he has a secret Credita Card & Bank Card which you dont know about which substitutes the once a month sex you provide.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- 88ElmiraSt
  Rebuild? So it was broke? Got some news for you babe. Once a marriage is broke, it's always broke. You are one of those people who has to learn the hard way.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- silvesterfirst
  I do not wish to offend anyone, but have you not read that "anything less than 10 times a year is considered a Sexless marriage"? If you want to inflict this torture on anyone, you should give them the choice to opt out. I would be happy with once a month, but a refuser doesn't care what makes the other person happy, even if they are willing to accept mere crumbs! This is not about us having high libidos, it's about refusers having NO libidos!
  
  Jul 9, 2012
  1 like
8 More Replies
bazzar

These so called rights are "assumed" rights.

However, the refuser cannot assume these rights without the complicity of the refused.

See, at the end of play, it is the refused who holds the best card of the whole deck. The "Marriage Is Done" card. And at that point, when that card is played, the refusers hitherto 'assumed' rights vanish.

And "when" that card is played is entirely at the discretion of the refused.

Part of these sad dysfunctional situation is the fact that the refused spouse gets their head so ****** up that they think all the power / control / rights are with the refusing spouse.

They ain't.

The refused spouse holds the best card of the lot. Whether they know it or not.

Tread your own path.

Jun 20, 2012
10 likes
- 88ElmiraSt
  Excellent point. One reason I posted this was to vent over how much power I see refusers wielding in marriages. The power make you sexless! To make you hate yourself. To make you think you are unlovable. But their dirty little secret is they need the marriage; not you, the marriage. And you can nuke the marriage at your will. We, not they, are the ones with our finger on the button.
  
  Jun 20, 2012
  1 like
- Apocrypha
  The "nuke the marriage" card offers naught but a Pyrrhic victory. It's a clumsy, close quarters tool, so dreadful, so final, one is fearful to use it unless doom is certain, and that plays to the benefit of the intimacy averse. There are very few "conventional weapons" that have any effectiveness in this kind of conflict, though.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- Frustrated1978
  There is always the weapon of looking after yourself, and to stop supporting the so called partner wife, husband, whatever in reality your now Roomate. You can cancel all financial obligations with them joint credit, cards, bank cards etc, stop cleaning up after them, doing their dishes, housework, ironing, etc and let your now Roomate fend for themselves. I did this with great success, and you are guaranteed an outcome. Either the refusing partner will leave or they will figure that their party on your dollar is up and they will have to shape up and comply with the new status quo. There are many options available, it is the refused who mistakenly think that the refuser holds all the power.
  Stay Strong & Good Luck
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- restartingmylife
  You are absolutely right when you mention that they need the marriage; not you. I was in a sexless marriage for over 3 of the 6 I was married, and had multiple conversations and counseling sessions because of it. It was amazing what happened when I (the refused) made the decision to move out and start over. She must have thought I was bluffing the whole time. She thought she could control me forever I guess? I couldn't live with a roommate anymore. She begged me to stay, but she had no idea how much pain she caused me. She immediately changed her mindset and said she could want me again, once she realized I was at my breaking point. I was done, and she was too late.
  
  Jul 16, 2012
  1 like
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