Please Help

i have been married for 12 years and my husband and i only have sex once a month. i have asked why he dont touch me anymore and he doesnt have a response. i am so tired of going thru this what does it mean when your husband dont touch you and he dont know why. i asked him was he gay he said no but he cant give me a reason please help me
fruitnee35 fruitnee35
31-35, F
14 Responses Jun 21, 2012

I would say asking him if he was gay is not a great way to get him to want to open up. Have you tried to seduce him? Honestly ask any guy how awesome it is to have a woman hit on you. Try seducing him see how that goes. If not have a nice long talk and have him tell you why he does not want sex anymore it could be medical like low T or stress related.

sometimes men r not sure of their ability,Thats the reason they avoid their partner to stay safe...

He doesn't love you anymore. You have simply asked the wrong question. When I asked my wife the right question (it took forever to get over my own fears and go ahead and ask), the questions I asked were "Do you still love me?" and "Do you even want us to work anymore?", when these questions are avoided you will know the truth and have the knowledge that your husband is a vague ***** who chose to fall out of love and not say or do **** about it.

PS: He DOES know why. He doesn't love you, but hasn't got the balls to tell you. Check for a secret **** stash too.

Would you say you are financially and materially you contribute most in the relationship ? Does he enjoy the security and material benefits in being in a relationship with you ? There are many who are intimacy averse and will stay for the sake of the life they have...after all, their needs are being met, it's yours which are not.

He is intimacy averse to you.<br />
<br />
Why this is so doesn't greatly matter as it is not something over which you have any control at all.<br />
<br />
He is intimacy averse to you.<br />
<br />
That's all you need to know at this point.<br />
<br />
Now, is the fact that your spouse is intimacy averse to you a deal breaker, or not ??<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

It may any number of things:<br />
1. He is no longer attracted to you (at least not sexually)<br />
2. He is cheating and getting attention elsewhere<br />
3. He has low testosterone and an ED (?)<br />
4. He's gay<br />
5. He is extremely insecure in himself and his abilities<br />
<br />
I would say maybe he is bored with sex...but wouldn't people rather have boring sex than no sex? So ignore that.<br />
<br />
But seriously, have you tried to initiate instead of talk about it?<br />
What does he do if you were to come on to him?<br />
<br />
Have you suggested marriage counseling?

I am in the same boat. At least you get it once a month. I don't get that at all. I think it has been two years or more since I was intimate with my husband. It had already been two or more years then when we did do it. And the only reason why he did something then was because I mentioned that he hadn’t touched me in a long time and that I really regret getting married because once you get married, that means not having sex anymore. He has done that a few times to where when I say something now and he wants to have sex, I tell him to do it because he wants to and not because I said something about it and he feels that I have thoughts of leaving him.<br />
He feels like a roommate instead of a husband because we don’t even sleep in the same bed or the same room. Even when we had sex, when I woke up he was back in the other room sleeping. <br />
The last time we talked about not having sex, he claims it was due to medical problems but he won’t go to the doctor and find out what is wrong. I told him it is not all about the sex, just touching him and being next to him and even just laying in his arms would be okay but I can’t even get that.<br />
When I talk about leaving him and the marriage, he breaks down, crying and begging me not to leave and telling me that he loves me and don’t want to lose me but we still don’t have sex. No foreplay, we don’t kiss except for when we are leaving for work and that is not too often either. Sometimes I feel like he is silently telling me that if he can’t have me he is going to make sure no one else can have me.<br />
I asked him was it me, did I not appeal to him anymore or did he fall out of love with me and he gave me the line “it’s me not you, crap.” <br />
I can’t even read him like I can read other people and tell when they are messy and trouble but when it comes to my husband, I draw a blank.<br />
I wish I had advice for you but I don’t. I have talked to my husband and I have told him how I feel on several occasions but nothing has happened. No sex and no foreplay.<br />
I haven’t left because the grass is not always greener on the other side. I have had relationships where the sex was good but they didn’t help with the bills and I found out that one was cheating on me, another one was a crackhead and I even had one who was cheating, a crackhead and a cross-dresser. He liked dressing up in women lingerie (the whole get up from the little night gowns, the high heel shoes and the lipstick, I found the stuff in the trunk of his car)<br />
Other people are telling you to leave but when you do it is not guaranteed that you will find someone better than what you have right now. You have to be careful of catching diseases, getting involved with a murderer, a psycho, a rapist, a crackhead or even a person who cheats on you all the time and wants to beat on you like he is your daddy.<br />
Be careful of what you want and wish for because you might just get the opposite.<br />
<br />
Be careful and stay safe

if a person stays in an unhappy and unsatisfying marriage then that's what they get. leaving opens the door to creating something else. yes, being careful of course is good. but staying because there are no guarantees imprisons me.

As a man I can think of 3 Scenarios all harsh but painfully truthful.<br />
<br />
1) You are obese and he finds your appearance unattractive.<br />
2) He has resentment for you for whatever reason nagging, not keeping a clean house, overspending, whatever the reason, which he is not sharing with you so he finds you emotionally unattractive or <br />
3) If it is neither of the above he is intimacy adverse and ****..ed up.<br />
<br />
Whatever his reasons 1, 2, or 3, the realities are you have a tough choice to make about what you are going to do about it. If you are in the number 3 category i would suggest having a good long think about how long you want to keep this character around.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

A problem arises in a marriage when one person's needs are refused to be met by the other. If your family requires 2 incomes to make ends meet and your spouse refuses to work, there is a problem.<br />
<br />
I used to think that my need for physical intimacy was selfish and not really enough over which to break up a marriage. But, as I have emerged from my "boiling frogs" pot, I have come to understand that for me it is enough. It is something I've had to smother for my entire marriage, and it's something so fundamental to my being, it took its toll on my psyche. <br />
<br />
Your need is clearly greater than your husband's. That is a problem that, unless resolved, will undermine your relationship creating resentments and anger than cannot be overcome.<br />
<br />
Be honest, speak your truth and believe that you are worthy to have your needs met.

And your resentment and frustration has built to a point where it's unlikely you'll recover. That's likely the truth, and not an easy pill to swallow.

As I get closer to freedom, there is a palpable energy that is exhilirating and worth the cost of whatever you leave behind. I know it's hard to see this or feel it when you're mired in your "stuff" but it's really true.

Your husband does not love you anymore and he is embarrassed to say it. <br />
<br />
I am sorry. We all know how you feel. It is an incredibly painful truth that can linger but it will never get better. Your only option is to get a divorce. <br />
<br />
The gut-wrenching torture and agony that you feel every night is God voice telling you that this man does not love you. You refused to see the previous signs. Everybody saw them except for you. The only way for you to survive is to leave this marriage. Staying in this marriage will slowly destroy your heart, your body and your soul -- if it has not already done so.

Read the stories here. You'll learn a lot about the typical ILIASM patterns. Then write a story with details about your particular situation. This group is very well meaning, and you'll get some good and specific advice.

Welcome to ILIASM. We understand. Please stick around and read as many stories (and comments) as you can (both the stories and "forum" section). You will find stories similar to your own, and things will become clearer.

Two things. First, I think you're going to need to provide a little more background information in order to get any suggestions and feedback. Second, asking your husband if he's gay isn't the most constructive way of opening up a constructive dialogue with him. It's more likely to come across as an insult to his manhood thinly veiled as an honest question.