I Don't Think I'd Let Him Touch Me If He Tried Anymore...

I've been married to my husband for almost 6 years, together for 3 years before that. We have two beautiful preschool aged children, which is the only reason I haven't left him. I can't support the three of us without him. I'm in school to finish my degree so by the time the kids start school I'll be done, and I'm leaving him then. I'm already concocting my plan to escape. It's kind of relieving because now I don't feel like I have to suffer through trying to make this marriage work anymore. Now I'm in control, now I'm just waiting it out until I have that degree in my hand so I can provide for my children without his help.

I started formulating this plan when I realized recently that I don't even want him to touch me. Typically we have sex about twice a year now, and that's only when I throw a major hissy fit and make appointments with counselors and threaten to leave, so he gives in to placate me. Currently its been about 4 months I think since we had sex. We sit on opposite sides of the couch when the kids go to bed. We never touch. I can't remember the last hug or kiss I got from him. The only affection I ever receive is from my kids. I've decided that I'm not going to beg anymore. He seems perfectly content to just roll over and go to sleep after the news every night, and I'm perfectly content to let him. I don't think I want him to touch me. I don't think I like him enough to let him anymore. In fact, I'm beginning to question whether I even love him anymore. It makes me sad to think that. I used to love him, so much. I think that I've been emotionally beaten down so much that I've just shut down all emotions towards him now. Is this normal? Is this really the end, or am I just really frustrated at the moment? Does anyone else ever feel like if your spouse tried to touch you, you wouldn't let them? I don't hate him. I don't think I have the energy to hate him. I just feel sad for him and for our marriage.
theturkeyswife theturkeyswife
26-30, F
12 Responses Jun 22, 2012

I think this is the point of no return...when the refused who has worked like a dog to be noticed by the refuser finally gives up and the tables turn. It is a very difficult realization and hard to accept. <br />
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Acceptance that things will never change is the most difficult part of our process. We who don't give up easily. I struggle with my feelings sometimes that even if he became Cassanova, I wouldn't want him. But since it hasn't happened, it's merely hypothetical. I have to accept what is, feel my feelings and keep my truth front and center. It's not easy, but it's the only way.

go ahead with your plan. life is short, enjoy it every minute as if it were the last.find out more about his life,he probably have another life. I don` know how people can survive without love.

Very common, read my stories if you have time to kill.

i lost interest too, after being refused for years. i've just had him move out. i have sadness that it didn't work out (19 years of marriage - 2 kids, both at home with me) but i don't miss his emotional or physical contact -there was none. what's new, is that now i am free to create my life. he never initiated sex, but it doesn't appeal to me at all anymore. i don't hate him, and am working on a recent desc<x>ription i read of forgiveness, "to remove myself from a position of superiority"...i.e. not be better than him, but to realize how different we are and that i can't get what i want being with him...good luck and it did take me years...you can do it if you want to.

You know, you must consider your options. Weigh them properly and see what makes sense the most. As you know love is just a chemical reaction that starts in the brain and once that reaction stops we are the mercy of commitments, honor and obligations. what is suitable to us today may not be 20 years from us and hence the crossroads. <br />
I had a similar situation and had a heart to heart talk with my wife. I grabbed a picture of our 20st, when we were really into each other and I told her that I wanted that girl back and that I was willing to work on it no matter what it took. Things have been continuously getting better and we are more into each other now. Is it worth it? to me it is. I fell in love with his girl many moons ago and there must have been a reason for doing so and hence I will give it an honest effort to raise her interest in me by being what I used to be.<br />
Men are very physical beings. I know for me all starts with a physical contact and touch. Sensual and unique. Once we have that we will move mountains for you.<br />
I hope this helps.

just sayin' - my husband said he's not gay and he's not having an affair - and he wasn't physical at all...so saying that men are very physical beings...idk? glad things going well for you Apple Pie. for me, husband said he didn't want to work on it...

This is indeed a very normal stage that probably every SM goes through. The withholding spouse finally gets around to offering you their paltry crumbs and is shocked when even in your starving condition you refuse to accept them in order to preserve your self-respect. After having been put on a protracted starvation diet you realize that it's not that much further to go on an all out hunger strike.<br />
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I've found there are even stages following this one. In my case, the next stage was sleeping on the couch for a year because I couldn't take punishing myself sleeping next to her. It was too frustrating and I didn't trust myself not to beg for sex after promising myself I would never do that again( I broke down a few times and would feel much, much worse about myself afterwards, even if I wasn't rejected). This stage ended when I got to the point that I really didn't want her anymore and was able to move back in because I was very rarely tempted to degrade myself. That and I make sure I'm tired enough to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.<br />
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A few months ago I discovered that I've entered yet another stage. I call it the "I no longer give a sh!t so WTH" stage, and it's come as a real surprise. I can have sex with her now when she offers it, if I feel like it. I can even initiate sex with her and not care one way or another if she rejects me because I'm not emotionally invested. It's not good sex because neither of us is really "present"(this is pretty typical for her, but not for me). In other words I can take it or leave it, with none of the residual emotional upheaval that I used to experience. When it's over, I'm not depressed or anxious about how long it might be before the next time, or even whether there will be a next time. It falls somewhere on the scale between m@sturbation and so-so casual sex with a complete stranger. We've had four such detached encounters now and I still feel the same. The third encounter I really didn't enjoy. She fell back on a familiar old pattern where she either complained or gave me negative feedback of one type or another the entire session. She often gets into this control freak mode in bed wherein she's totally focused on herself and getting me to do whatever she needs, communicated entirely through criticism with no positive feedback, much less reciprocation. And as per usual, she lays on her back with her eyes closed as I do all the work. This is normal for her btw, but in the past we discussed it many times and I explained to her how it affected my enjoyment in the moment, not to mention my self-esteem. In days past I would have just let it go for fear that if I spoke up I might not get laid again for a year. Since I no longer carry that burden, I told her plainly later that day what she had done that bothered me, and the fact we had discussed it many times before, and if she was of that fr<x>ame of mind in the future to please let me know beforehand because I would elect to take a pass. She looked at me with a blank, clueless stare and didn't say a word, nor has she mentioned it since. Power. From what I can tell, she seems to have enjoyed the last few encounters, at least physically. An unexpected side effect of my detachment is that it seems I can now hold on without reaching ****** almost indefinitely(not that I used to be a Minuteman or anything of the sort, lol). I'm sure she's wondering what's up with that.<br />
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All of this to say, the longer you hang around in your unhappy and unhealthy situation, the more stages you'll inevitably go through. Here's hoping this one will be your last. Good luck on keeping to your exit plan.

Sounds over... one last grasp would be, has he had his testisterone checked and a full physical? That wouldnt solve the hurt you feel, but would indicate a reason.

No. He refuses. He says his testosterone is fine and he isn't going to see a doctor about a problem he doesn't have. I've often thought testosterone could be the culprit but if he is unwilling to go get checked, I can't make him unfortunately. Just another sign to me of how much he values this marriage.

You've done all you can, and I am sorry for that it didn't turn out better. It's time to look after YOU now.

Tell him you want a divorce. He'll have a doctor's appointment within the week to have his hormone levels checked.

Yes, what you are feeling is normal.<br />
It's your way of protecting your emotions from him so you won't be hurt, angry, disappointed in him anymore.<br />
It's also a sign that you may be accepting the marriage for what it is and have given up on trying to change it.<br />
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I don't want to say it is definitely the end, though things do not sound good.<br />
here's what I need to know: have you talked to him about your feelings and needs? How does he respond?<br />
Have you suggested marriage counseling? What does he say?<br />
Are you open to working the marriage out or are you done? Because if you are done, then it doesn't matter what the answer is to any other question. Once a partner decided they are DONE and do not want to work on thins, it is most definitely over.<br />
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And yes, when people get rejected over and over they can become bitter, hurt and in an attempt to take back control of their emotions and protect themselves, they pull away from the other person and don't give the other person the chance to reject them again. In fact, we may even try giving them a taste of their own medicine by not accepting their touch - also because we have lost all sexual attraction and desire towards them.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Thank you. And in response to your questions, see my response above to FOIA, that answers everything :)

You make it very clear why you are hostile towards him. Have you ever wondered why he is hostile towards you? Just wondering, as you tend to.

I wouldn't consider either of us to be hostile. We communicate and we have seen therapists and we both know what the problem is. He tells me he simply isn't interested in sex. He doesn't think about it, he doesn't care about it. Before we got married he didn't seem to have a super charged libido but I figured it would stay that way, not diminish completely. It pretty much ceased altogether about two years into our marriage and we have been having discussions ever since then about how to fix it. I've bought lingerie, we've talked about experimenting, we've read books, read articles online, everything either of us can think of (mostly my doing, really). He promises to try and think of my needs and then nothing happens. We have had so many discussions that I am all talked out. There are no more answers he can give me, and there is nothing else I can say to make him understand me or convince him to sleep with me. I feel ugly and useless and unworthy of affection. My self esteem is practically non-existent. And he doesn't care enough about the marriage to make a real effort to change. He's promised, and nothing ever comes of it. I've told him that I'm thinking of leaving him numerous times, and I've told him that he shouldn't be surprised if I look for affection elsewhere. Which I doubt I'd do, that seems wrong to me even under these circumstances. All of these things were communicated in a calm manner, no yelling, no hostility. I'm sure he didn't enjoy hearing them, but we discussed these things when I said them. I'm an open and honest person, and I believe that if I'm feeling something I should share it with my husband. Unfortunately he is a giant clam and won't talk about anything. I think we both just have the understanding that he doesn't want to change enough to make it happen, and this is how it will always be. After years of empty promises I have come to accept this. And I'm not able to tolerate it any longer, and I shouldn't have to. I'm worth more than this.

No, it's not hostility. It's self-preservation of her mental and emotional well-being.

What MissLee said.

Actually, hostility can cover a wide range of attitude and behaviour and in your case I had assumed that it would be entirely understandable, even justifiable. I just wondered whether he was clamming up and not discussing any hostility towards you. However, it would appear that it is worse than that; indifference. It's a phenomenon played out by one person after another in this forum. The "offending" party simply will not talk about it it all or at least not in any meaningful way. I know it is difficult, it hasn't been one of my stronger points in the past and I still have to make a conscious effort, but this difficult, under these circumstances?! You really want to say "Get a grip of yourself for God's sake!" But you just know it would be futile just like everything else and as you walk out the door you will still as baffled as the day it all started. It is as if they know full well that it is a disaster but are nevertheless relieved that it will soon be all over for them and that the pressure will then be off.

It sounds like your husband might be asexual - not that it helps you one jot.

2 More Responses

Your story and the feelings you shared are a reflection of mine, except...<br />
I'm a little older, I have one more child, and I don't have an exit plan.<br />
This quagmire is sucking the life out of me. You sound like a very strong woman, and wish you best of luck as you execute your exit plan.

It is very normal to feel the way you do.

In sequence - <br />
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1 - "Is this normal?" <br />
Yes. Very.<br />
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2 - "Is this really the end, or am I just really frustrated at the moment? <br />
Both. You are very frustrated, and, it is the end.<br />
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3 - "Does anyone else ever feel like if your spouse tried to touch you, you wouldn't let them?<br />
Only everyone who has got out of their dysfunctional marriage. (In other words, that's normal too).<br />
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It is good to see that you have an exit plan. You might want to re-visit that time line though. An exit plan that is forecasting action 2+ years out from now is all very well, but you need a contingency plan with a much much shorter time fr<x>ame as well. Life can turn on a dime, and, you simply might not be able to last out that 2+ years either.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Thank you. Yes, I do have a contingency plan in the event that I just can't take it anymore. I just don't like that plan very much, which is why I've chosen to stick it out for a little while. As long as I am in control and know that I can count on leaving when I'm ready, I hope that is enough to hold me over for a while.