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My Sexless Marriage And My Gynecologist's Remark

I was just thinking about what my Gynecologist's said to me last year and thought that I would share it:

After having been in a sexless marriage for many years, last year, I decided that I was going to have an affair. I had known my intended for years and I truly adore him, so I mustered up enough courage to talk to my gynecologist about it.

At first my gynecologist said that she could give me something to make my desire go away. She meant to be kind because, as she explained, "it drives some people crazy" But since medication is not a substitute for a man, I explained that I was thinking of having an affair. After she warned of the risks she shrugged her shoulders and said "well, if he is not going to step up to bat......."

That's kind of it in a nutshell, isn't it?


amithecrazyone amithecrazyone 46-50, F 10 Responses Jun 24, 2012

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Oh my gosh! Why would you want that desire to be gone? The desire for a man is my Prozac. Seriously, is there a reason to deny yourself the ultimate spice of life just because you are in less than desirable circumstances. BTW, Did you locate that male that smelled irresistible?

Thanks Kelki: And sex has no side effects either. I have to get out from under this rock before I get put my sense of smell to work! LOL. I sound like the town ***** when in reality I am really closer to a nun, except that they choose a life of celibacy. Have a happy new year

Having an affair without feelings just doesn't add up!I know iv wanted to do so myself, but each time I'm near a guy!(That I know) _i get their body odurs!(Not that its bad)lol, instinctively it turns me off, and I run away!<br />
So once agan, I wonder as to how am I ever going to get close enouf to any guy ,even just for a kiSs!lol

I had someone special in mind; But, I agree. Women have to have the emotional connection. Have you ever been around a man who sensed something was wrong without your mention of it? Maybe it gets to be a little obvious if you are always the one taking out the garbage and such

Some men have fantastic healthy seductive smell... I am unbelievably fussy and picky myself and did not think such men exist, but they do.... Perfectly kissable nice men...

I once read that scent is some sort of primeval mechanism that prevents a female from mating with a male who is closely genetically related. This makes sense to me.

i never thought to make my desire for something wonderful to go away. surprising in today's day and age someone would say that

A gag for you.<br />
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55 year old woman has been to the gyno. She returns home and is talking to her husband. She says - "My gyno says I have the breasts of an 18 year old girl, and the legs of a 22 year old"<br />
<br />
Husband - "what did he say about your 55 year old **** ?"<br />
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Wife - "actually dear, we didn't talk about you at all"<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I thought it was the 55 year old *******.......

Sex drive is normal while sexless marriage is an oxymoron. Your H knows about your needs but chooses to ignore them. Why do you stick around?

I have to say everybody is right... From his/her own perspective, that is. BUT, I don't believe you are obligated to let another impose their ideas on YOU. if you are not on the same page anymore, perhaps it is time to start another chapter. Living with something that makes you feel bad all the time isn't good for your well-being. Leave now, or wait untill it's so bad younust can't stand it anymore...or live in misery til one of you dies. Whatever you choose to do is the "right" thing for you. We all have to do what we believe is the right thing to do. <br />
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I stayed in a terrible marriage (two of them, actually) because I felt like I was obligated to do so. My first wife didn't seem interested in me, sex with me, or anything about me (except for letting me give her money and furnish her and our children with the necessities of life). One day she moved out. Best thing she could have done. Life for me and my daughters got better immediately. <br />
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My second wife: it was wonderful for the first 3 months. Then it was HELL. Everything changed. She got sick, she ran away from home. She would wake up in the morning and tell me she is going to Florida, or Nevada, ...the first time she left me, I got home from work one day, and she and her dog and much of her things were gone. I was so upset, I almost threw up. No clue. She was gone. Over a period of months, she told me she wanted to come back if I would have her, and she would never leave me again. I happily agreed. ...hmf. What was I thinking!!!? She continued to just pick up and leave me from time to time. She was ill, so I had resigned to "stay with her" (even though she was away more than with me). Then the stress got so great inside me, I had a nervous breakdown, got on medications from the doctor, and things went downhill from there. There I was ...actually bedridden for a time, and she would get up in the morning, and angrily tell me that, if I wanted to spend all day in bed--fine, but she was going to get out of the house. So she would leave me, to go party with her buddies. I was hungry, excruciating pain just to move about 10 feet to the toilet, and she just left me all alone. Many times she was already gone before I woke up. Then, home she would show up after having spent half the day getting high with her guy friends. I was so bad, that I would fall asleep praying that I would not have to wake up ever again and do it all over again. <br />
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Well, I kept waking up. She kept leaving me. The last time she left was for ...?about 5 or 6 months. I had started to regain some of my health (found a good chiropractic doctor, whom I am still seeing), and all of a sudden she told me she was coming back home to me. My heart sunk. I didn't really want her back. She had been verbally abusive, and abusive in other ways: telling me I did things that I did not do, and harshly criticizing me for doing things I did not do. And so many other things. Not answering my phone calls/texts for three days at a time, while I was troubled out of my mind, going from one medication to another. All having bad side effects. Physically disabling side effects. She was out in Las Vegas going to festivals, parades, sight-seeing (she brought back the photographs), but didn't have time to respond to me, her practically bed-ridden husband. And then she had earlier flown back here, to take our car and dog back out to Nevada... Leaving me with no car to go to the doctor's. !!! She told me to ride my motorcycle!!! I could hardly walk! I could not turn my head from side to side! And she tells me to ride my motorcycle!!! WTF!!! I was crunched...with all of her desertion, and ... well, it was terrible. I think than was about the time I started going to the Chiropractor, and getting off the medications that did not agree with me. ..so we come up to the time when the "Wife" returns from Nevada ...back to Ohio. I just knew she was going to be her same demanding, inconsiderate self, and it made me sick inside. I was literally unable to smile ..after all the long term chronic acute stress that I had suffered. It was about all I could do, to simply survive from moment to moment, and she was angrily and in very nasty tones, complaining at me about me not smiling and being joyful about her return. Ugh! I was exhausted: physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was drained. And she was there making demands on me. After all the times I helped to pick her up, carry her to the bathroom, push her around in a wheelchair when she hurt her back, and spent time by her side getting her every little thing she wanted...now she not only doesn't help me, or even treat me considerately, she is bitching at me because I am not up and cheerfully welcoming her back from the 5 months she just up and deserted me when I needed help. <br />
<br />
So, here comes the turning point: LOL, but first she is in bed next to me (I'm still confined to bed rest mostly) and she is on her laptop right next to me, doing video sex chats with online people. Not once did she even hold my hand, smile and say anything kind. It struck deep into me. It hurt. <br />
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So, shortly after that, she told me that if I can't be cheerful, I could "GET THE HELL OUT". !!! Those were her words!<br />
<br />
After all I had done for her, and how little she had done for me! She tells me to "GET THE HELL OUT". Well, I did. It took me almost all day to put into my car what I could, and I left to stay with one of my daughters. Thank you, my loving daughter, and son-in-law. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! <br />
<br />
Now it's been a couple years since we split up, and she periodically tries to manipulate and use me. Amazing. <br />
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My suggestion to YOU: Do what YOU want to do. Let other people do what they want to do. YOU do not have to do what THEY WANT YOU TO DO. <br />
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I'm still learning to do what I want. I am growing stronger physically. Not strong enought to get back to work yet, but things are improving. <br />
<br />
I wish you well. <br />
<br />
Things will likely continue badly until you decide it is time for a change. <br />
<br />
Smile and do what you can enjoy.

So, when she was ill (and behaving badly to boot) you stayed even though you could have booked. I am always surprised when a man shows that kind of honor especially towards a woman who has no regard for him. Okay, I am going to say something ridiculous here... Don't take it personally since your ex- wife probably has no regard for anyone. I am glad to hear that your daughter loves and supports you and that you are healing! I have been really angry with my husband but, even though our arguments have not been pretty-I want to find some peace with him because we had a life and children together. You see, I don't want to be the unhappy beyatch anymore.

Ouch! Wot an eyesore! Sorry to hear your trumatic experience_
But! Congrats on your achievements!
May you regain your health 1st and foremost, and slowly but surely your life will improve _All the very best to u

I don't seem to know how to have a "successful" marriage, but ... I did get some wonderful children out of it ... They are wonderful people!

I had to do the best I knew at the time, and that is what I did. I do not know if I would do anything different today, but I don't believe I would let myself get into the same situation again... ??? Certainly not on purpose! Many times I thought that I should have left, but I just didn't feel like it would be right, but when she said "Get the Hell out" ... I felt that let me off the hook, and I didn't need to feel obligated to stay in a terrible situation any longer. I can actually smile now... not all that often, but I have a small smile on my face now, thinking how much better things are now that we have parted ways. I wish happiness to all of you... I have read that we should do what brings us joy, in order for us to be happy, and in order for us to be able to bring happiness to the lives of others, too. If we aren't happy, there isn't much chance of our making anybody else happy. ...I wish you all peace and joy.

LOL! My gynecologist told me at my last exam I have the vagina of a much younger woman. She explained that many women once they enter menopause have trouble with dryness and thinning tissue but she said that's not an issue for rme. I laughed out loud at the irony that here I am sitting with a Super Vagina and there's no one to share it with! Then I thought isn't it a gift that when I'm ready to enjoy a sexual relationship, my body is also ready. Amazing.<br />
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I updated her on the status of my marriage and she said, "Well, what are you going to do once you separate?" I said, "I hope to have a lot of sex." She said, "Do you have anyone in mind?" <br />
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I came home and told my H about Super V, and he said nothing. Can't blame him - what's there to say?

MTT - you need a lover to share that precious information with and not the husband! HA!

Isn't that a wonderful thing that you are so healthy. I am healthy too; it's a gift to be healthy and given that we will be old someday--such a waste not to enjoy all aspects of our lives.

I won't steal your claim to the title of Super V. So, instead, I've decided that mine is the Cave of Wonders from Disney's Aladdin. Except that mine wouldn't even need three rubs on the magic lamp to gain access.

LOL! This could be a forum topic...men are usually the ones to name their private parts!

Wonderful! ... that you women have healthy bodies, and minds that want to enjoy those healthy bodies! I like to think that you will find ways to enjoy what is some of the most wonderful sensations on this planet as a blood and bones person: SEX!

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"I have been rejected so much by him he has actually asked me to quit asking , he says my forwardness turns him off"<br />
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Infuriating. That is so far beyond f@cked up on so many levels I won't even attempt to elaborate. I can't imagine how you could feel the slightest guilt after that. It's not enough that you're frustrated out of your gourd and he knows it and doesn't care, it sounds like he wants to suck the life out of you as well. Don't let him do it.

Probably gynaecologists are different in different countries... In country I was born it compulsory to visit gynaecologist at list once a year for check up if you are healthy... First questions they ask- When you had the last period and if you have regular sexual life... If the second one NO,they go in depth Why.... and explain how crucial the regular sex for woman's health... They do not discuss moral aspect of sex, just health...

That's Interesting! Mine also explained that I was in the minority and that many woman are not interested. But I felt like she understood and was giving me permission. I have a lot of guilt that I can't shake.

Guilt?! Being normal healthy woman?

I know you are correct. BTW, I love your confidence

Okay, I am an idiot. But the other "sexless" guy actually built me an incredible house that enabled me to put a child through college. If he continues to look without touching, I am going to demand that he build me a Taj Mahal. BTW, and I am not kidding, he is married to a Nun!

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-----"At first my gynecologist said that she could give me something to make my desire go away.<br />
<br />
I find this absolutely astonishing. Sexual desire is healthy and normal part of your functioning and a medical professional suggested to treat it into oblivion?<br />
<br />
Ensure you have a contingency plan in place before you step out. <br />
<br />
Be smart, play smart.

I have told my husband how I feel. I really don't want to sneak around. It's also difficult because emotional intimacy has to precede the physical. As for the man, I think he really just wants to look at me. (Am I cursed or what) I found yet another man who is not capable. Still adore him; in life there are so few great ones.

"... in life there are so few great ones." How do you know? You were staying only with one?

Only feel in love twice in my life so far

You are so funny! You know I do! But, I hope that I will have a life ahead of me as well! Speak to the gods for me, whoever they are. (a Greek one would be nice)

I have a great many books that deal with "how to get things done". Once upon a time, I went step by step, did the "exercises" (mental/emotional/imaginational) and, within a few months... guess what! ... a person of the very descriptions I had put forth, came into my life... we had about 3 months of great fun. Then everything went to pieces. I suspect that I needed to be just a bit more specific ... but, actually I did get what I wanted, because I really didn't want anything "permanent" and "forever-after" ...

But, ... I do believe we can truly be, do and have anything we desire.

"I do believe we can truly be, do and have anything we desire." I believe that too. So why can't I figure it out? What book did you read that helped you?

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