Ending It

What would you do?

Everyone dreams of falling in love, finding the right person who knows you inside and out, and living happily ever after.

I don’t want to talk about dreams. They are frail, and hold no power against the assault of daily living.

It was my decision to end it. It was my decision 7 years ago too, but then I was confused and didn’t know exactly why it had to end. Emotional turmoil, family drama, school, and my life falling spectacularly to pieces. I remember saying to him that I see him somewhere in my future but I just didn’t know where or when.

Months later I came back. How could I not? My single foray into the world of relationships without him sent me into the arms of a person with whom I could never truly connect. And thus, all interactions with eligible males were inevitably compared against him. He was smarter, better with money, never went to sleep with an empty bottle of beer on the nightstand, never obsessively watched sports on TV, didn’t have unreasonable conspiracy theories or the ability to grow a giant disgusting beard.

He was all I knew.

But there was always a hole. There was aching and longing for something I didn’t have, and we couldn’t fix it. I filled that void with all sorts of things, and there were always reasons why the timing wasn’t right. School was too busy and stressful, working with the special needs people took too much out of us, working different schedules put us out of touch. I took up cooking, working out obsessively, buying things, and even had a child to fill that hole that was missing in my life. I thought, maybe an engagement ring, maybe a wedding. I always thought that yes, once I have this, I will no longer feel empty. Once I have my own private space in the house, I will feel more centered. Once I am no longer trying to make do with the clunker van and I get a chance to buy a fancy new car, I will be fulfilled.

If I lost the weight, my life would be complete.

I wouldn’t feel lost, doomed to end up in a depression. Maybe even bipolar like my mother.

I wouldn’t constantly envision myself belittling him and breaking his spirit because of my unhappiness.

I wouldn’t feel so disconnected from my own child.

What would you do if you were with someone who couldn’t be everything you needed them to be, and couldn’t meet your needs? If you were with someone who is so much the same but yet so different from you, that you can lead completely separate lives and barely notice?

How would you feel if the person who claims to love you, basically worships the ground you walk on, will not or cannot love you the way you need them to?

It feels like no one will ever be able to meet that need. It makes you feel WRONG, and unworthy of true affection. It's your conscience telling you to SHUT UP and sit in the corner and preserve what is solid and good and safe.

It makes you feel unattractive and angry and bitter. It turns you into someone you don’t want to be, someone who reeks of desperation and has to actively refrain from making smart remarks about the person who wants to be with you forever.

It makes you feel like the bad guy.

And utterly, completely alone.

So what would you do? You could smile and keep going. Keep plugging away at life, working all day and making dinner and cleaning up. Never getting caught up on all the work you have to do because you usually have to do more of the big jobs yourself. You could keep trying for the sake of the child or so that you don’t have to hurt his feelings. While his needs are met and all seems wonderful to everyone else; inside, you are screaming.

When thoughts surround you about how you would rather kill yourself than have to endure this in silence, and then you talk to him about your thoughts, your struggle, and your pain every few weeks to no avail. Things might change for a day or two, but then it’s back to routine like all is right in the world.

And suddenly, the new vehicle is here with the new deck installed. I no longer have to gaze at used vehicle dealerships with that excitement and longing, focusing my lack of fulfillment on the fact that I just need a new car. We have a house, a child, two cars, and jobs. This is settling. This is what life will be like for the next few decades. There is nothing major left to want for.

That’s when I flash ahead 30 or 40 years, and see myself as an empty shell of a person. I’ve killed his spirit too because after so many years, I no longer hide my passive aggressive remarks. And he’s too passive to fight back or step up to change it. I hurt on the inside and everyone else has to know about it because I don’t know how to help myself. I don’t know that there could be any other life.

I grow to hate him. I grow to hate our son for keeping me here. I would have no friends. I would never sing, because I sing when I feel emotions, whether happy, angry, or sad. I would be numb.

And no one would want me. Not even he, but he’d never leave me.

No, I would like to think that a decent person would make the choice to leave before ever going down that road. It was my own naivety that kept me here for so long, always hoping it would get better. And becoming angry and hurt every time I was forced to notice that so many others have what I don’t have. And I’m tired of resigning myself to an unfulfilling life, feeling that somehow I deserve this. That I have to trade passion for safety and security, life experiences out in the sunshine for being more comfortable indoors, conversations for forums on flashing screens.

I don’t want to hate him. I don’t want to resent my son. I don’t want to alienate people.
Why should I be resigned to crying myself to sleep, or draping myself over people in bars because I so desperately need someone.

There has to be a better way.

I’m not afraid to be alone. I welcome it.
I’m afraid of what would happen if I stayed.

The uncertainty of what lies ahead doesn’t bother me. But the absolute certainty of who I will become, who I am becoming by continuing is evident, and I cannot live with that.

Amy Winehouse - What it is

Relationship doesn’t remain
We resonate on different flames
I could cut you down again
If you were like all other men
If you were like all other men
I know that I could shut you down again
But my friend, but my friend

I don’t know you anymore
Supposed to be the man
That I live my life by
And your attitude become a bore
And I'm so tired I cant even cry

We both know what it is.

Hannaberry Hannaberry
26-30, F
3 Responses Jun 24, 2012

Wow thank you for posting this. You have expressed exactly what I've been feeling for years, the helplessness of feeling imprisioned by children, routine, comfort and fear of the unknown all the while a deep-seated, fundimental desire and longing continues to eat away at your contentment and happiness, indeed your very soul. After several years I filed for divorce earlier this year, I have no idea what awaits me when the dust finally settles; I very well may end up alone but I will take that chance rather than remain alone in my marriage which is infinitely more painful. Better to be lonely alone than lonely with someone. My only hope is that my kids are not too heavily damaged by all of this.

"I don’t want to talk about dreams. They are frail, and hold no power against the assault of daily living." - Amen.<br />
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Reality in the form of life, real life, is a bugger. To avoid going crazy or becoming fundamentally depressed it is about choosing what you accommodate and how you accommodate it and what you push against and when and how you push against it, rather than accepting it all and figuratively dying a very slow death.<br />
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As Baz always says, have a plan. The potential and potency of a plan, even a plan for the future can be a powerful motivator. Call it an aspiration, a promise of intent rather than a dream. Dreams involve the final scenario and no detail about the process of getting there. Plans, intentions have to have that boring, fearful, challenging detail that means that you might actually step into the void.

I could give you chapter and verse about "what I'd do" if I were you.<br />
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I could actually give you chapter and verse about what I DID in my circumstance.<br />
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And none of it matters a ****.<br />
<br />
What is going to count here is "what YOU do".<br />
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You can canvass support here. You can read 000's of stories that detail what persons DID in their circumstannces, and take what ever has value out of their stories and apply it to your circumstance.<br />
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But it is YOU who must DO.<br />
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It is informed choice. And no-one gets a pass on choice. No-one.<br />
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Tread your own path.