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Some Options To Consider

For as long as I can remember in my marriage, I compare my current sex life to the prior sex life before marriage. When I first me my wife, we could not get enough of each other, I really felt like she had the same drive as I did, that we were very open and I felt very free and comfortable. For me, it was more than the sex, she wanted me, couldn’t get enough of me, it was very comforting, satisfying and invigorating.
Over time, the frequency and intensity began to fade. I was okay, but was starting to get worried. So, stupidly, I believe all of the myths about sex and marriage. I thought if I made an extra effort to relieve stress or plan times to be together, maybe she would "be in the mood" and want to connect with me again. Soon, we were having sex maybe once a month, and the times we did have sex, it was almost mercy sex because I was basically begging for it.
I felt betrayed, cheated. How could this be? What was I doing wrong? Why did she not want ME anymore? Every time I had to beg for sex, I felt dirty, horrible, like asking for charity, but I could not help it, I was feeling incomplete. Every rejection, hurt deeply, worse than any other rejection. Why would someone I love do this? I could only think of a few reasons: She lost her interest in sex, but that didn’t make sense, because there were ****** I did not buy in the house. Maybe she lost interest in me. Maybe she is having sex with someone else? I became very jealous.
Maybe the problem was me? What if I had no sex drive at all? I tried to suppress it, get involved in other activities not to think about it, wait for it to die, then I wouldn’t be tormented with it anymore. But that didn’t work either, I began to feel empty. I tried to address the topic with her. Every time I tried, I couldn’t quite express how I felt. And it did not go well. She would tell me I was not seeing everything and only focusing on sex. Yes I was!
I thought, let me see a Marriage Counselor, that will help. After many months of wondering if I should go or not, I finally went. However, after explaining the above in so many words, I was told that she could not help me, she needed to speak to me wife. Well, I tried to mention it, but it didn’t go well, I chose the wrong time, and then she did not want to talk about the subject again.
I DON’T GET IT, WHY CAN’T I FIGURE THIS OUT?
Then it hit me. No one was really focusing on was hormones and the effect they have on us. Men are fighting their hormones with no skills to talk about them or except. I am wired with an average 10 times more testosterone than you TO WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MANY WOMEN. It is wiring. Woman, however, are not wired for the same motivations. Their sex drive is based upon instability. Let me explain. When a woman is single, she is looking for men that will bring stability, to have a good job, brains, looks, whatever, to have a child and supported. Unconsciously or consciously, a woman's sex drive is built to "capture" a man. It is the only explanation. Once you have it, the drive loses its instinctual need. It becomes last instinctual and more like work. Me on the other hand am not wired the same way. I am wired to spread my seed. Now, it is possible to sex a man to some extend he will be monogamous, but it is unnatural or long term. Sooner or later, the woman that will fall into stability and other concerns, the man will continue with his hormones.
.
After finally coming to accept our hormonal differences in understanding why she enjoyed sex, but it was work to her, I decided the problem is marriage. Marriage is a great human concept, but the modern view of marriage does not address the basic hormonal differences between the sexes. So what do I do?
Here is what I will propose to my wife: that we have sex with other people. Now, I am also not stupid, so there are some rules because we both will have major concerns with this.
1. Safety- It is easy enough to protect ourselves and it is vital to both of our health.
2. Discrete-we are both very private people and this is between us. If our actions become public, it would be extremely embarrassing for both of us and never understood.
3. Random-it cannot be with anyone we know or could come in contact with on a regular basis.
4. Communication- keep open communication.


LouArch LouArch 36-40, M 13 Responses Jun 26, 2012

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I read your story twice. Then I read your other stories and confessions. It seems your frustration is with a much larger issue in your marriage. The reduction of sex between you and yourwife and thoughts about th introduction of a possible affair. Was there an event in the past that changed your relationship? Can you point to a period of happiness and then stress? Has frustration grown? You are clearly thinking about having your own affair but being open about it. The comments to this post are right. You need to talk it through. Understand your wife and her current needs. If you can't meet them and she can't meet yours, separation is inevitable. It seems like you want a decision before getting older. There are quite a few groups on EP about sharing spouses and ways to try it. Is your wife open to it? Have you asked? Check out the other groups and see how they do it. But, find sanity for yourself

Of course that marriage will be something unnatural and undesirable for a person living in a sexless marriage!

And those things of the hormons, just doesnt make any sense. It is ridiculous even, if women are "wired" (because free will must be myth) why would nature "wired" women into loneliness? And a sexless life? Women, let me change that, I am a woman who enjoys sex, and missed it terrible.



There is one sentence that is an open window to the point of view of your wife. One sentence in all those things you wrote. That should tell you something about what is not working on your marriage.



I think that the problem is a lot deeper, I think that a sexless marriage is a symptom not the problem it self. That is of course what happens to me.

So problable all I am saying to you makes no sense and it is ridiculous to you.

Check with Nefandus (if he hasn't commented already...I haven't checked through all the comments yet. He is in an open marriage...he should be able to give you some informed advice.

Read mvcmvc's post again. Read it again.



And again and again.



Read it until it is burned into your brain.



Then read enna30's story "Outsourcing Your Needs"



Then, armed with that factual and accurate and true information, choose.



Make an informed choice.



Tread your own path.

You mentioned: "I tried to address the topic with her. Every time I tried, I couldn’t quite express how I felt. And it did not go well. She would tell me I was not seeing everything and only focusing on sex. Yes I was!"



We'll, from her perspective, she's right. She isn't excited about having sex with you because there is something else in the relationship that isn't right. She could have fallen out of love with you, or maybe she doesn't respect you. Perhaps she married you for what you provide, and now she doesn't need to 'capture' you any more. Who knows.



The overly simplistic generalizations about men and women may seem to answer your questions, but reality is usually much more complex. And of course, if you read the stories here, you will find loads of women who want sex and have husbands who deny them.



If you want to get separated, then the reasons aren't particularly important. But without some level of knowledge, you might just find that your next relationship suffers the same fate as this one. So learning about your spouse and what bothers her could be of great use, both now and in the future.



The once a month sex sounds like she isn't into you any more. But right before her period, she's probably wants sex, and you're the handy guy who happens to be around.



So your wife is right. You're not seeing it. What is really wrong with your relationship? If you could identify and address it, you might find that her sex drive would increase. Unfortunately, you could spend years trying to figure out what's wrong. And then you might find that the problem isn't fixable from you end. You should surely try to communicate with your wife. Don't bring up the sex part, just focus on improving your relationship. Without a good relationship, you will never be able to maintain a good sex life.

Whilst i sympathise with your pain as i have pretty much experienced most the feelings you listed, i think your plan to present to the wife is absolutely moronic, and one that will explode in your face.



Instead why dont you focus your energy on consulting a Divorce Lawyer finding out your rights, and presenting her with some real consequences for her actions based on the advice you are given.



Stay Strong & Good Luck

You can search for the "why's" until the cows come home, and it won't give you any more information than you already have.



You are incompatible sexually and in a myriad of other ways too if you are honest. Relationships require both people putting it as a priority - your well-being has to matter to her and sexual well-being is not separate from all other types. I'm sure she has many good qualities, not to mention joint assets, relationships, china and possibly children which cause us to move into denial of our pain and longing until miraculously after typing in "sexless marriage" into your browser, you found all of us struggling in the same way as you.



You will continue to be frustrated and looking for the ":why's" until you accept your situation and move into your own life not expecting her to be what she is not. If you can't accept this, then the only choice I see is leaving the marriage. Outsourcing will further erode the unstable foundation that's already crumbling. However, it might give you the courage and impetus you need to make a change for yoursef.



It's not easy, and welcome fellow traveler.

Your plan seems to miss the final piece. Once you put this in play, your both run the risk of attaching to new poeple and falling in love with another. Divorce seems simpler. But, it seems you doubt your ability to have a new relatiosnhip. Good luck

Q: "Why would someone I love do this?"

A: She does not love you. It's not about the hormones...

The other folks are right. You still haven't figured it out. Why not ask your wife why you can't figure it out. Crazy I know. Figuratively suicidal maybe, I guess. But what else should you do?



You are right about the communication though, although because of the way things have happened in the past it is almighty difficult to open a channel again with her. A de facto chill-out is probably somewhere to start. Wait to see whether she becomes curious why you don't keep pushing the agenda. Don't sulk, don't become awkward, even appear content, happy even. Unless she is completely clueless she will notice and she will want to know. Afterall you might be out-sourcing your problem. She will have to know and she will have to initiate communication for that. It's a risky strategy though, if she consciously decides to ignore the gambit.



Here are a couple of other possibilities, totally out of the blue. Maybe she is getting nothing much from the sex. Maybe she is not experiencing the big 'O'. Would you know for sure? Or maybe she is just bored with vanilla sex, the repetition of it? I have no reason to believe either of those things are true other than they are as much a possibility as any thing else.



In the end, there is little point in speculating or hypothesizing. That way it could take you forever to get to whatever point you need to get to. Wait for her to simmer down a bit and then ask her for an appointment for a professional consultation; you, her. Tell her you don't get it, but you know for both your sakes you need to.

Respectfully, I suggest you spend a little time and do some wider reading here. You'll find that many of your assumptions about the difference between the sexes regarding sex drives are based more upon myth than reality.



Furthermore, given your wife's reaction to your attempts to discuss the issue with her or see a counselor, it seems to me to go without saying that your action plan regarding an open marriage is also a non-starter. I would suggest you also do some reading here on open marriages. From what I've read your current marital situation is particularly ill suited to a successful open marriage, notwithstanding your sexual frustration, and even if you were to somehow miraculously get your wife to agree to it.

I am sorry for your frustration and pain - which all of us here suffer. But your explanation about hormonal hard-wiring is far too simple. If women only get horny while they attempt (consciously or unconsciously) to 'capture' a man and then afterwards is becomes work, then how come there are lots and lots of women like me on this forum. I captured my man 25 years ago, have stability, work, family life, everything you could reasonably want, except regular sex. I am as horny as a cut snake, dream about sex and making love all the time, am tormented by my hormones. I have had an affair recently in which we made love all the time. My husband is not very interested in sex - not with me or anyone else. I am a 53 year old woman. So how does this speak to the 'basic hormonal difference between the sexes'???

Before you embark on this, I recommend you have a contingency plan in place, for this new tactic could inject an element of instability (you BOTH having sex with others) into your marriage. In other words, this can cause divorce (just like other corrosive behaviors that are not managed properly within the context of marriage).



Remember, this arrangement has to be mutually agreed upon equal opportunity *******, so that means you BOTH get equal access to extra marital sexual activity.



These arrangements can work, if BOTH are absolutely, totally onboard with the program. Agreed upon rules are a must.



But you must be prepared for change within your marriage - nothing will remain static with these activities.



Standy for surprises!



Best of luck.