Sexless Long-term Relationship

I just stumbled across this website yesterday. Funny, was searching for information on getting back together with an ex. After reading through the posts I am now seriously reconsidering an effort on my part to reach out to him.

In short, we were together for 6 years (no kids), living together for 3. On the path to marriage (or so I believed). For the first 1-2 years our sex life was on fire. Although he was a bit less adventurous than prior partners, I was okay with it. We had a great rhythm, eager to please each other. Looking back, I remember I gave him a copy of the Kama Sutra for our first Valentines day - it was NOT an insult, more of a hanbook of new things to try, but he took it as such. Not sure what I would do differently now (walking away would have seemed absurd), but should have put me on notice that issues might come up.

Fast forward a bit and he began drinking a lot, pretty much every day. This started to lead to performace issues. I shrugged it off at first, but then he started avoiding me. Leaving instead of sleeping over. Making excuses. Imersing himself in online video games. Blaming our "different sleep schedules." Funny, these were the same schedules in place at the beginning of our relationship, and we managed just fine having sex, me going to bed, and you resuming your activities for the evening. Soon, all I got was a goodnight kiss, an "I love you," and a glass of water by my bed.

After awhile, I stopped being interested. I think I even became the "refuser" in a way. I would make all kinds of comments about "boy am I tired," "not feeling well," etc. to ward off any attempt on his part to initiate. Looing back, I think I was fooling myself, setting it up so I felt like I was in control, and not so rejected when he made no effort.

For the last two years we were having sex about once ever 6 months. I would ask "doesn't it bother you that we haven't had sex in a month? two months? five months?" As hard as I try, I can't remember him giving me any verbal response. He would just kind of walk away. A year ago I gave him an ultimatium: I am giving us 1 year to turn this thing around, we will decide whether we will get married, we will engage in sex 3 times per week and you will get your drinking under control. A year passed and nothing changed. So, 2 months ago I packed my stuff and moved out.

It's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I've regretted it every day. I think about him every day, and miss him dearly. I still love him. And, a funny thing happens when you distance yourself from a relationship: you forget. This week I have been having thoughts of a reconciliation. And, as I was surfing around the internet I landed on this site. As I read through the posts, I started to remember how horrible it felt to be rejected. How lonely I was. How I constantly hoped that things would magically go back to the way they used to be. Where I beat myself up thinking I had done something wrong. Wondering whether he was cheating. Thank you for helping me remember.
TheRefused1234 TheRefused1234
31-35, F
17 Responses Jun 27, 2012

Move on and send him a link to AA.

run away as fast as you can!!!! You have the ability to do so without effecting anyone but yourself, take it as a blessing that you found out before you got married. You are still young enough to find someone who wil want and desire you on a regular basis, or if you want you can now be with someone new every night to make up for lost time... ha ha ha.. I know the breakup was hard but just be thankful all you had to do was move out, no divorce, no battle for the kids or anything like that

Welcome to the other side. <br />
I started over at 52. Absolutely no regrets about leaving.

The lack of sex here is just a symptom of a lack of communication between the two of you. Of course he may be choosing not to communicate, or you may not have been receptive once and he just flat gave up.... the possible reasons why are endless. The only thing that matters is the fact of no sex/intimacy. Next time around look for someone you can communicate with and everything else should follow.. (cross fingers)

Wow. Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. All things I know in my head, of course. But the heart breaks. Opening the door every night to a small, dark, empty apartment destroys me. I miss my friend.

You have slipped out of the horrid snare that is a sexless relationship. You were beyond generous with your timefr<x>ame and willingness to allow him to change. You have your answer from him. Booze and selfishness are much more important to him than you are. <br />
You are free, don't slip your head back into that snare again. Read our stories, and you will see where that snare leads. It is not the road to happiness...<br />

You were being seduced by nostalgia - memories of the "good times". You were remembering the good things and the harsh memories were fading. You were hoping things would be "better". I think everyone on ILIASM has done these things at times.<br />
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Very fortunately, you were reminded in time of WHY you left. Hard as it is to accept, there are some people whom we love with whom we should never live in close relationships. <br />
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When you next find yourself tempted to go back (and it will happen!), come back to this forum and read widely here. As Rucca says, your's is a success story. I hope you find a wonderful sexy partner in your near future with whom you can fully enjoy all the things you need and want.

This reminded me of "magical thinking" in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), which I found very helpful. Basically, we can - if not alert - slip back into thought patterns which neglect certain very pertitent facts - which have not gone away.<br />
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Congratulations for recognising that.<br />
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BTW, stonewalling - as he did - is one of the biggest predictors for divorce that John Gottman found.

Okay, I'm pretty plowed, I'll be the one to say it: I totally think that the definition of "ILIASM success story" could be expanded to include this sort of outcome. <br />
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TheRefused, I'm tickled shitless to read you're not going back to the ex. You get a gigantic gold star on your chart for that.

Sometimes as time passes we feel lonely and create a more sympathetic view of an ex. Glad you found this site. It's so hard to find the right one isn't it.

When it's done, when you have had enough and when you realize you can love them, but still cannot accept the life that they are willing to will know. I hope you can picture the wonderful like that you can make for yourself. I pray that you can handle all the difficulty with grace and integrity. Much love to you!

Keep reading here and keep remembering. And when you get the urge to go back read some more.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

I cannot beleive there are so many hungry women out there. I need to get out of this 'marriage' soon. Our sexlife is typical of thousands : passion and fire at first, then time goes by and it becomes some duty she has to perform. My therapist say " it is your own fault. Do you give her compliments? Do you bring her flowers? Do you buy her gifts? Do you .. do you .. do you this and that and WTF! YES, I do these things. Still I sense she dont love me anymore. There is no intimacy. She dont give hugs, I do. She is impatient and disrespectful towards me. Ugh this story can carry on forever. I feel so helpless, frustrated and depressed. Nobody understand my misery except you who read here. At least I am not alone. I think marriage as we know it is doomed. It does not work.

Marriage can work you just need the right partner. Now i would suggest that you need to make some tough choices.
1) Get rid of your therapist. He/she obviously has no idea. Telling you its all your5 fault and encouraging you to become a doormat is wrong.
2) If you support your wife financially, emotionally, whatever, stop. No gifts no hugs nothing period.
3)Have a good long think about where you want to go with your life and are you happy with the current dynamic.
4) Visit a Good Divorce Lawyer and find out your rights in the case of a divorce.
5) Sit down with the wife and lay your cards on the table and what you expect in the marriage, and vice versa.
6) If she wont come to the party and recognise your feelings, agree to change and work on it you need to start forming an exit strategy based on the information you gathered from your lawyers visit.

The above actions &amp; decisions are hard, but they need to be made. Nobody gets a pass on the choices that need to be made. We all have to suffer the consequences of our decisions, some good and some bad. So far you have been suffering the consequences of inaction which have led to your life becoming miserable. On the other hand your wife seems to have not suffered any consequence due to your inaction. That remains in your hands. You can still change this scenario for her. You deserve better.

Stay Strong &amp; Good Luck

Thank heavens you found us - better to be awesome and alone then tied to someone whose eyes only see themselves. Run away!!!!!!

I am yet to see anyone on these boards who left a sexless dysfunctional marriage and wishes they were back in it.<br />
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I've seen a couple where they DID go back - and wished they hadn't.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Your feelings are natural but you should not reconnect without having a serious sex talk with him. Make sure he knows that sex and intimacy are expected.

I think the best way to forget and move on from your ex is to find yourself someone who will need and desire you sexually. If you are frequently being sexually satisfied by a new partner I am sure that you will soon realize that this is much more exciting and rewarding than your previous lack luster relationship. <br />
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How can one ever compare indifference to passion?

I feel that