Sexless Long-term RelationshipI just stumbled across this website yesterday. Funny, was searching for information on getting back together with an ex. After reading through the posts I am now seriously reconsidering an effort on my part to reach out to him.
In short, we were together for 6 years (no kids), living together for 3. On the path to marriage (or so I believed). For the first 1-2 years our sex life was on fire. Although he was a bit less adventurous than prior partners, I was okay with it. We had a great rhythm, eager to please each other. Looking back, I remember I gave him a copy of the Kama Sutra for our first Valentines day - it was NOT an insult, more of a hanbook of new things to try, but he took it as such. Not sure what I would do differently now (walking away would have seemed absurd), but should have put me on notice that issues might come up.
Fast forward a bit and he began drinking a lot, pretty much every day. This started to lead to performace issues. I shrugged it off at first, but then he started avoiding me. Leaving instead of sleeping over. Making excuses. Imersing himself in online video games. Blaming our "different sleep schedules." Funny, these were the same schedules in place at the beginning of our relationship, and we managed just fine having sex, me going to bed, and you resuming your activities for the evening. Soon, all I got was a goodnight kiss, an "I love you," and a glass of water by my bed.
After awhile, I stopped being interested. I think I even became the "refuser" in a way. I would make all kinds of comments about "boy am I tired," "not feeling well," etc. to ward off any attempt on his part to initiate. Looing back, I think I was fooling myself, setting it up so I felt like I was in control, and not so rejected when he made no effort.
For the last two years we were having sex about once ever 6 months. I would ask "doesn't it bother you that we haven't had sex in a month? two months? five months?" As hard as I try, I can't remember him giving me any verbal response. He would just kind of walk away. A year ago I gave him an ultimatium: I am giving us 1 year to turn this thing around, we will decide whether we will get married, we will engage in sex 3 times per week and you will get your drinking under control. A year passed and nothing changed. So, 2 months ago I packed my stuff and moved out.
It's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I've regretted it every day. I think about him every day, and miss him dearly. I still love him. And, a funny thing happens when you distance yourself from a relationship: you forget. This week I have been having thoughts of a reconciliation. And, as I was surfing around the internet I landed on this site. As I read through the posts, I started to remember how horrible it felt to be rejected. How lonely I was. How I constantly hoped that things would magically go back to the way they used to be. Where I beat myself up thinking I had done something wrong. Wondering whether he was cheating. Thank you for helping me remember.