Sexless Marriage and Attachment Disorder?

I have been married for 4 years and together for a total of 10 years with my husband. I have been faithful to him and love him through it all. He has battled alcoholisim and drugs but had been clean and sober for 5 plus years now. I have supported his recovery and chosen to support him by not drinking either, even though I am not the partner with the addiction problems. I have stuck by his side through repeated rehab programs and even a bout of infidelity and I am living in a sexless marriage. I feel betrayed by his lack of sexual desire, especially when I have done so much for him. I feel so frustrated when I try and am shot down every time. We had a healthy sex life in the beginning, for many years then he just stopped wanting to have sex. I suppose I am a fool for thinking that it would all magically be better after our vows were exchanged. We probably have sex 10 times per year (on a good year)and those times are ususlly when I have asked so many times, he just does it to appease me. I am 32 years old and phycially fit. I live a very healthy lifestyle. I find myself staring in the mirror asking my self over and over, why doesnt he want me. I feel so embarassed to be living like this. I want to have a family and I love him but I just keep asking myself, how much resentment will I feel a year from now, 5 years from now. I have given up the best years of my youth to living a life of celabacy. I am sure that I have co-dependent issues of my own to deal with, but it doesnt make it any easier. I have been researching adult attachment disorder online and see many of the symptoms of his behavior. I am wondering if anyone else out there has any information on attachment disorders. It is comforting to know that there is a support group out here for people going through this. I have recently read the book, he's just not up for it anymore. That has been helpful somewhat.

jj75 jj75
3 Responses Jun 9, 2008

I too was in a similar situation. I ended my relationship. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't want you and love you in ALL the ways you need to feel wanted and loved. I was with my boyfriend/husband for a total of 7 years. I too thought that the exchange of vows would spark his sexual desire... Wrong. I had sex a total of 7 times my first year of marriage. Let me say this to you. It is not you. There is nothing wrong with you. The problem lies with him. Don't try and change him. People don't change. Move on. Have the family and partner that you deserve and dream of. It won't be easy, but love yourself, put yourself first, and do the right thing. Leave and never look back.

Do you know where I can find information on Adult Attachment Disorder? I have been researching it as well because I believe I may show several symptoms of it. I have trouble reaching ****** with my partner, but no trouble at all on my own. I find myself clingy and needy and excessively dependent on overt signs of affection. I'm tired of myself, and I really want to get help, but I don't even know where to start. There doesn't seem to be much information on this disorder anywhere. Is there any advice or information you could give me?

I am curious as to why you are researching attachment disorder. IMHO, sometimes, we too readily label something as a disease or disorder so that we excuse or explain away a hurtful behaviour. This can make it easier for us to put up with all sorts of difficult situations. I'm not saying that this is the case here, just kinda sounding out the rationale. Hope things work out.