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Feeling Bad About Myself

We have been together for 17 years, married for 14. In the last 10 years we have had sex nine times, and ALL at my urging. He won't talk about it either, so I don't know why. I have gained weight, but the sex stopped when I was still thin. I have seriously considered going outside my marriage for sex, but I don't think that would make me feel any better about myself than I do now. He was always a little shy about sex, but I had no idea that a man could just stop wanting it. I have offered to go to counseling, dress up, try something new, anything to spice it up. He is not interested in fixing the problem. We have two children; one is from my previous marriage. We have a life together. So far it has not been something I am willing to divorce him over, but I cannot promise to feel that way forever.  There was an 8 year stretch with no sex at all. I just don't get it.  Now add to this that he has high blood pressure, diabetes, and is an alcoholic now. Geez how did this happen?

soonermom soonermom 41-45, F 11 Responses Jun 10, 2008

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He has been cheating on you with his alchohol and lack on interest in you. His decisions not to honor and love your should not make you feel bad about yourself and you should not feel bad about having sex with someone else. <br />
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We all have physical and emotional needs for touching and sex. Just like babies have to be held, stroked and cuddled or become emotional wrecks as children and basket cases as adults, you need to be held and to enjoy your body and another persons with sex and touching. It does not have to be sex without meaning, you can have sex with a good friend that understands your situation and loves you unconditionally, without having romantic desires for you. <br />
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Also, we are made to love more than one person. Just like when you have children, you don't split your love between them, it grows as you have more children. Good luck and don't deprive yourself of life and succumb to depression.

He has been cheating on you with his alchohol and lack on interest in you. His decisions not to honor and love your should not make you feel bad about yourself and you should not feel bad about having sex with someone else. <br />
<br />
We all have physical and emotional needs for touching and sex. Just like babies have to be held, stroked and cuddled or become emotional wrecks as children and basket cases as adults, you need to be held and to enjoy your body and another persons with sex and touching. It does not have to be sex without meaning, you can have sex with a good friend that understands your situation and loves you unconditionally, without having romantic desires for you. <br />
<br />
Also, we are made to love more than one person. Just like when you have children, you don't split your love between them, it grows as you have more children. Good luck and don't deprive yourself of life and succumb to depression.

Stay in the marriage, Faithfully....and begin to work with him very strongly. Demand that he gets help and follow through with him. Sounds as though you guys need a real heart-to-heart conversation, with crying and the works. Do this...do the work...together....and you will find happiness. <br />
If you go outside, you will fail in many ways. Losers cheat. Be a winner and be there for your husband. He needs you to help him. You also need help. You must lose weight and look sexually attractive for him. It is not fair to a man to be married to a fat, out of shape woman and be expected to want sex with her. (I know you were thin before this problem began....but just something to keep in mind). A man does not care so much about new clothes on a women....this is not what makes her attractive to a man. It is, and always will be, a Hot Body, which can be achieved by EVERY woman. Do not invest time and money in shopping....rather....save the money and work out heavily and eat few carbs :-) If you manage to follow my advice....you will see Happiness. Anything else is simply laziness and will be met with more unhappiness unfortunately. So do the work....God bless you and your husband.

I really feel your pain. My husband has not stopped having sex with me but he isnt the same way he used to be sexually anymore with diabetes and high blood pressure. He even built his own bedroom recently because he stopped sleeping in our bedroom and he wont talk about the issue either. My guess is its a private pain and disappointment I am not let into.The only thing that has worked in rebuilding his confidence in bed is me showing I enjoy what he can do in foreplay and being patient with the rest. It has put a strain on the marriage but I am trying to be positive and some days do end up being good days!

If I went outside my marriage just for what would be meaningless sex, I would still have to live with myself and my conscience. I would not want him to go to someone else. After all these years there is a bond and a trust that makes what might seem like an easy decision a very difficult one. I hold onto hope that things can change. He is in recovery (AA) now - since Memorial Day.

There is a good chance if you went out and found a <br />
friend to have sex with, you would be more satisfied<br />
about staying in your marriage. A little sexual frustration<br />
goes a long way toward an unhappy home life..

An eight year stretch without sex? His refusal to even talk about this issue with you? Your feelings of unattractiveness and worthlessness? Honey, you deserve SO much more than that. You deserve to live a life full of passion and excitement and TRUE love. You deserve a man who will love, honor, and cherish you, as long as you both shall live. You deserve LIFE.

I wonder if it's related to the hypertension/diabetes/alcoholism, or any medication taken for these?<br />
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Not that it's much of a solution for you. Maybe it's time to have "the conversation"?

There is a good chance you would feel better if you were to spend some time with someone else..At the very least you would not have the frustration you deal with now....

High blood pressure, diabetes and and an alcoholic??!! No wonder he doesn't care about or want sex. You could dress up till the cows come home and he will not feel like and be interested in sex period. This guy's running on 2 cylinders. Wow this guy does not care about himself or you! To start he needs to handle the alcohol problem with counseling ASAP. Then a big diet change with exercise.

dear this is something ... i can tell u stay or leave him its ur desicion..u waited alot and took teh initaive to solve it..with no response from his side..<br />
you have the right and deserve to be happy and statsfied emotionally and in bed!!<br />
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give it another try...if things dont get better ..u know what to do<br />
wish u teh best