I Am In A Sexless Marriage

For 14 years I've been in a sexless relationship. My husband and I have only been married for 11 years, so you do the math. Why I married him is beyond me. Perhaps - as some sort of horrible self-esteem issue - I felt that I couldn't find anyone better. Who knows? But I married him and now I don't know how to get out. I'll soon be turning 50 and don't want to waste the remainder of my life living in this Hell.

My sexual desire has never waned. My entire life I've been hypersexual. From the first time I kissed a boy in 6th grade, I've loved sex more than chocolate or french fries. I love kissing, I love hugging, I love touching, I love loving. Sometimes my heart is full of so much passion it feels like it's going to explode. So the mere fact that I married someone who couldn't be more opposite in this respect is truly perplexing to me.

Yes, I've had affairs during my marriage. If I didn't, I would have probably ended up killing myself. Some would probably criticize me and say, "Why don't you just leave?" Truthfully, I don't know how to leave. Though we're not wealthy, my life is comfortable. We don't have children, but we have 5 dogs. My husband is a great dog dad, is creative and gifted. We have a wonderful circle of friends and - well - I'm comfortable. At least as far as the homestead is concerned. But inside - especially on days like today - I hurt so much I don't want to live anymore.

Last weekend I hooked up with an old high school guy friend of mine. I was in my hometown (where he still lives) cleaning out my parent's house which will soon be going up for sale. My mom died in December, and my dad has moved into an independent living facility. My friend and I had been planning this get-together for quite some time. When we reconnected at our 30th reunion, there were definitely sparks there. In high school he was the most beautiful boy in our school. We were part of the same social circle. He went on to get married, have two kids, ran a successful business, had a wife who cheated on him, got divorced and hadn't remarried. The tension between us was undeniable at the reunion, but because he had a girlfriend at the time, he admirably chose to not engage in anything with me at the time. However, once his relationship started fading, he and I spoke more by phone. We often got into sex talk and I knew, one day, we'd be together. Last weekend we were. And it was SUBLIME. Perhaps because I'm so undernourished in the sex department, when I'm finally with someone I'm insatiable. It's a turn-on to guys (or so they tell me), but the loneliness that's at the root of it really is sort of sad and pathetic. I am the way that I am because I'm denied any form of touch or intimacy in my real life. And once I get it, it's like potato chips - you can't eat just one. The days following any affair I've ever had are filled with a desire for more, more, more. I then get into a vicious loop where I beat myself up and cry and get depressed that I can't have this sort of sexual relationship with my husband. And the hurt continues.

Because this person and I live across the country from one another, the chance of a second tryst is slim to none. At least in the near future. So I crawl back into my hole and wallow in my own self-pity. Looking to my husband for love that I'll never receive just wishing I had the strength to leave and finally find a man who will fulfill me and love me to the extent that I need to be loved. I know its possible. I have friends who are, and have been, in long and incredibly fulfilling relationships. I wish a relationship like that would find me.

Meanwhile, I stay here under my covers until I have to return to work on Monday morning, crying and craving...crying and craving.

lovesdaisies lovesdaisies
4 Responses Jun 30, 2012

we better find a solution for u soon and a right life partner before things gets complicated in ur part.

No one gets a pass on choice. You have chosen to stay and in a way, bear part of the burden under which you have labored. In the end, we need to acknowledge our own responsibility for our choices. The upside is that you can choose to leave, unless there is something in remaining in the marriage that is working for you. The main thing is that we are honest with ourselves about the choices we make. Be well.

Thank you, Bazzar. I appreciate your comment. Your advice reminds me of an article I recently read by the late Nora Ephron (one of my favorite writers): "Then, one day, the concept of divorce enters your head. It sits there for a while. You lean toward it and then you lean away. You make lists. You calculate how much it will cost. You tote up grievances, and pluses and minuses. You have an affair. You start seeing a shrink. The two of you start seeing a shrink. And then you end the marriage, not because anything in particu­lar happened that was worse than what had happened the day before, but simply because you suddenly have a place to stay while you look for an apartment, or $3,000 your father has unexpectedly given you." <br />
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I'm a Virgo. I'm a planner. I like the idea of drawing up my exit plan. Perhaps if I had my ducks in a row, I wouldn't be so freaked out about leaving. <br />
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Regarding "getting caught," my husband actually knows about one very lengthy affair I had. I admitted it to him years ago when we were fighting about - what else - not having sex. Though he seemed a bit concerned by it, he never made a big deal out of it. Which is weird, right? I know for a fact that he's not having sex with anyone. He's far too out of shape and disinterested for that. Many of my friends - and just about everyone I've ever had an affair with - have suggested that perhaps he's gay and has never come to terms with it. He just has NO. DESIRE. FOR SEX. He's not even the type of guy to watch a girl when she walks by or talk about how sexy a particular actress or model is. He just is not affected by beauty at all. What did I get myself into? Who knows. But for now, I'll start my exit plan. I'll keep you posted. :-)<br />
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Thank you, again.

Your husband seems to have put himself in a position of being irrelevant to you. Might as well formalise that.

This is novel. <br />
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Usually, people are "staying for the kids".<br />
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You are "staying for the dogs".<br />
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Anyway, as you "don't know how to leave", have a think about this -<br />
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- go and see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. That will give you information. Probably even in respect to the custody of the dogs issue. Out of that information you can concoct a plan to get out. An exit strategy. Knock it into do-able shape. Keep the plan in your pocket for future reference (or enact it there and then if you prefer).<br />
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That will provide a solid ba<x>se of certainty for you - that no matter what happens you'll be ok. <br />
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The marriage is in the ditch and is going to go guts up, so you'd do well to plan for that eventuality now, and be ready. Meantime, you could keep cheating, have a bit of fun, and if you get caught and blow the thing up, you'll be sitting pretty with a do-able exit strategy ready to go.<br />
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Tread your own path.