A Memory

I remember when I still had tears over this situation.

One day when i was pregnant with our first child I was so devestated that he wouldn't even stay to cuddle with me in bed let alone have sex with me that I burst into hysterical sobbing.

He actually came back, scared, and said "stop crying you'll harm the baby".

Obediently I attempted to comply. That was that.

His attitude shifted from me to the baby early on. I know for certain my problems with my eldest stem from that time on.
zsuzsilowinger zsuzsilowinger
36-40, F
7 Responses Jul 1, 2012

I understand what you are talking about. The feeling of being unwanted is so painful.<br />
There is two part for the intimacy in my opinion:<br />
1-The sexual mechanical part. Many men need help to start, they need stimulation, and most of the time they are embarrassed to ask<br />
2-The sentimental romantic part such as cuddling, hugging..<br />
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My husband in the first 10 years of our marriage didn't have any problem with sex as a mechanical part.I had to help him. on the other hand the romantic part was zero. few years ago after meeting this family/ man, every thing became zero except when this family is out of twon on vacation.

Just as you know why your marriage is unfulfilling, you will know when the right person comes along. Someone you can love and respect, trust and depend on, help and derive joy from...someone to enjoy life with with no drama. look into your heart, it never lies~

That is very misfortunate. In my situation it was the opposite. Once my wife was pregnant, the sex stopped. I was with her the first four months of her pregnancy then deployed. When I returned, the sex was very limited. We couldn't do anything other missionary and she had too keep her top on and wouldn't let me fondle her breast. It's been a little over two years and not much has changed.

Keep these not so good memories close to your heart.<br />
<br />
"When" you get out, there will be times early on, where you recall the good bits from the union, and the thought of 'going back' will come into your head.<br />
<br />
Keep these not so good memories close to your heart, as a counterpoint.<br />
<br />
Keep these not so good memories close to your heart, to remind you why you have left.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I am hoping I don't keep these memeories so close to my heart that I don't see true love when it does come calling... or even try at all. I waver between being bold and completely shutting down... schizo totally

Just close enough and long enough to keep you from having a sympathy attack, Zsu. I think most of us who are out remember some sort of good times with our ex (else why would we ever have married? ) and sometimes we need to remember exactly what made us decide to save ourselves.

There's a lot to be said for that - we are human and prone to things that we (most of us) would not admit. I was in counseling one time and talking (casually) about a rough phone call I'd had with my mother. It was not even "work" it was an answer to how was your week. I complained she was so critical and all - the therapist looked at me and said, well, you do realize you are your mother's other woman....(yes, think ******) and you know what? She was RIGHT. Now logically I know for a fact my mother doesn't think that consciously but unconsciously who knows? and how could she not? I don't hold it against her but it explains a lot about the kind of relationship we have - and how things outside of our control can totally color our reaction to our parents and/or our children. Things are never as cut and dry as we'd like to think - since you're aware, I'm sure you see it differently now then perhaps before.

unreality I am fighting with everything I have not to repeat the poison relationship my mom has with me. She does not see it, but when I yell at my kid and then analyze why, I see when i am stressed or when my STBX has made me resent my role, and I strive to do better.

I really wish I could go back and kick him to the curb sooner, and concentrate on the kids more. But life is for learning.

I am sorry to hear you have such complications and hard life experiences.

Same here. My husband became virtually sexless when our oldest was born. When we went to therapy years later, the therapist (a woman) said that often happens on the woman's part, but rarely for the man. I'm sorry, so very sorry, you are going through this, but also glad to know I am not alone.<br />
<br />
My husband one said the burden of being responsible for a family wore him out, making him too tired and stressed for sex or even any kind of intimacy with me. I don't know how to respond to that. We are attempting therapy for the third and final time. <br />
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I hope you can find a way to be happy.

My STBX was not even as coherent about what was going on as yours seems to be. Good luck with your therapy, if it doesn't work out I know you can build a good life either way.

That's was pretty clueless and insensitive. When relationships go sour all the old wounds reopen, even the ones we thought were healed. I've been on the receiving end and I'm sure I've cause quite a few as well.

Well he is clueless and can be insensitive... LOL

Did you ever share with him later how much this incident affected you?