Before You Embark On An Affair....

I have experience, not that I'm proud, because I'm not but if I can use it to save you some hassles and heartache, I'm all for it.

First, if your intended partner is also married, that is a threat to yourself, your marriage (if you have no immediate plans to leave), your employment and possibly more. SOME married people who are habitual cheaters a well versed in getting what they want. They may tell you their spouse is an ogre or some other equally colorful beast and that may be the furtherest thing from the truth.

I was single when I dated a man I thought was getting a divorce (lie number one). We dated approximately a month or two. His wife caught him in a lie about where he was and he confessed everything to his wife, including pinning his money spending on me (lie two). Sooooo his wife calls me at one am and threatens me if I hang up she will come to my job and make a huge scene. I answer all her questions, and several phone calls later (and uncovering more lies) I got her to understand that I was not the problem, her husband was. Years later she saw me in public and literally physically attacked me.

The lesson? Don't embark on an affair with someone you don't know - better a life long friend then someone you don't know so well. You have no idea what sort of person they are married to or really? what sort of person they really are - they could stalk you and this of course would really interfere with your own marriage.

Second - if you are with someone who treats you very well (within the limited time, energy and money that affairs dictate). You will resent your spouse even more - the sexual frustration that fuels your rage will have rocket fuel poured on in massive quantities. And frankly? You will most likely scream at the unfairness of your choices, etc.

Each person must make their own choices - but if you are going to choose to have an affair, be prepared for every possible scenario - especially if you are in a situation where something requires you to stay with your current spouse. A lover (particularly a married one) may not want or be able to support you and/or your children.

I suppose it can be done well and in a balanced way, but we did pick a person who doesn't care enough to provide us with the one thing we can't get anyone else. If you are going to pick someone, improve your picking skills.
unreality66 unreality66
14 Responses Jul 3, 2012

I know that some of you will bash me. In an affair, as a Christian, we cause someone else to sin. It takes two to tango, but it still is a sin. What a refusing wife or husband also does is sin. If you really love someone, you would not want the refusing or the affair on your conscience. I am going to post about something that really has changed for the better as far as my situation with my wife.

Affairs... I can't recommend them. I had two. One was a "trip & fall" incident -- completely unplanned, unexpected, and breathed life back into me. It turned out badly in the end but it had some good results too. The second was 12 years in the making. The love of my life. It became physical in that last horrible year of my SM. He loved me. He persued me. He said wonderful things to me. At that first assignation three weeks after I left my SM, he announced that "he wasn't okay with the sex stuff.". After a decade of sexlessness, the love of my life gave me the deepest wound of all. I still cannot fathom how he could have done that to me. It still took me another year to kick him out of my life completely. <br />
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During the time I was stitching my soul back together, I realized that I had compromised every bit of myself to try to make that work. All it did was torment my already tortured soul and crush my already broken heart. <br />
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No, I definitely cannot recommend an affair. <br />
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Princess HopesNeverToSeeLawyerBoyAgain

This was after I agonized, talked, pleaded with him not to touch me unless he ready for the commitment to me. He claimed it was the guilt. Back then, I tried to be understanding. Today, I call bullshit (but I knew it in my heart then). If he'd loved me like he professed, like I loved him, that would have been a non- issue. Truth is he didn't love me either. Special thanks to the Saint for helping me confront that fear.

Effing lawyers. What a complete ****.

Oh, later the LawyerBoy wanted to play "the gray area.". Read here, his fetishes and blow jobs but no penetration for me. By then I was healthy enough to take a pass. Thank God!

It's a good thing our ILIASM meet-up isn't in Austin or I might suggest we go heckle him. :/

1 More Response

It changed everything..........except the broken relationship I was trying to suppliment. It did make me realize what I had been missing. It also affects your lover's life. .... it causes great emotion (pain and joy). Would I do it again if I had the question. I have felt more joy...and pain......and feel more alive.....then I have in years. That is just me. Peace.

Thanks for sharing your experience.<br />
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Reading your story and others' comments, an idea pop up into my head: <br />
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Yes, affairs are very risky business. But as FullMoon asked: "What your recommendation would be? If you can't go and slowly dying if you just stay...".My question is : will it help a bit if we consider an affair as carefully as we consider an financial investment? that include risk vs return; your risk appetite, how much you can afford to lose; and if you decise to go for it, what is your risk management strategy etc...<br />
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I also agree that picking the right person is very important, yet nothing guarantee anything...

Regardless of the outcome, an affair is ALWAYS a game changer. As others have pointed out, it either makes you really focus and move toward what you're missing or it causes pain that will lead to healing of a marriage or the demise of a marriage . In any case, it's totally a game changer. <br />
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The bigggest problem I see with an affair is the potential collateral damage. It's never as simple as it seems. Lies are hard to sustain for a long time, and ultimately the truth seems to come out. That's what you need to be prepared for.

Done "properly", the affair option is the hardest of the lot.<br />
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And after it, the core problem of the dysfunctional marriage still remains there to be resolved.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I had an affair once (not in my sexless marriage, it was the relationship prior).<br />
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Result. I got really hurt. I was a rebound relationship and a sexual novelty. But, he did not want a real relationship with me. (And, given the circumstances, it makes sense looking back. Still hurt like hell at the time)! So, I hurt my ex really badly and myself. <br />
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Bad experience, all around. <br />
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I never had an affair in my sexless marriage. Once bitten, twice shy. Plus, I am a really really really bad liar AND the truth is just easier (in the long run, not always up front).<br />
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Honesty really is an effective problem solver. If you want a full relationship on an emotional/physical/spiritual level, it is mighty hard to foster in the midst of being attached to another and living a lie. My personal opinion (and that is all it is, no heavy judgements for those who differ), a spouse has the right to know that you are at the point where you are looking elsewhere for physical intimacy. They should have a choice as to whether they stay or leave. And, they should have a chance to work on it. But, the refused has every friggin right in the world to leave the marriage if the spouse won't change.

Nobody will give you any guarantee in this life.... <br />
You marry the perfect man and going to live happy after... Then everything goes pear shape and you come to this forum... Now you have to find other way to cope... <br />
Yes, my lover is married... I am as well... He did not promise me anything... Me neither... What will be will be... I already grateful to the Universe that I had those several dates... If nothing happen again I still have my sweet memories to keep till the end of my days...

I agree with Angel. Liklely scenario with an affair is that you fall madly in love with your affair partner even if in an entirely physical way (highly likely if you and/or affair partner have lived in a sexless marriage for a long time). You end the affair because you have been found out/don't want to ruin your kids' lives by divorce. You hurt your affair partner, you have probably damaged your marriage irretrievably and may end up divorcing anyway, you desperately miss the affair partner to point of near suicidal despair but have burnt your bridges. Everyone is p*** off with you and it sucks. Been there and got the badge. Don't recommend it.

What your recommendation would be? If you can't go and slowly dying if you just stay...

Fortunately I am more alive now than I ever been...
Everyone has own set of circumstances (complications) why he/she can't just go out of the door ... So I have mine... My husband is sick... Depressed(always been)... He is talking about his suicidal thoughts all the time(had some attempts in the past)...
But I started to think about divorce... I know for certain I would not stay in sexless marriage for 10 or more years... So process of leaving takes time and does not happen in short time... I guess mine already started...

My point for this post was you should consider everything (and yes there ARE people who are married to others and have affairs) I get that, I had a really bad experience - and wanted to provide a heads up.<br />
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Pretty much though, no matter how you cut our lives, they pretty well all suck and what's the worst that can happen? Just saying.

It seems to me, and I make no judgement in saying this, that it is in all probability going to be a turkey shoot no matter what angle you end up looking at it from, either beforehand or after the facts. For example, that friend you thought you knew so well, well maybe you end up finding out you didn't really know them at all. People change and circumstances and time change them and you can't pull that all together and test it out before seriously stepping into that void.<br />
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Maybe it is best to adopt the age-old maxim that if it can go wrong that probably means it will go wrong and plan and govern yourself accordingly, as Baz would probably say.<br />
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An awful lot of married people who seek affairs will do so ONLY with other married people on the assumption that the playing field is more or less even. But your experience suggests that such an assumption is wreckless. I reckon ANY assumption is probably wreckless. One of my favourite sayings, that I often repeat, because it is so true, is: "Assumption is the mother of all ****-ups."<br />
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P.S. I have to love his wife's predictable but insane reaction. As if you hadn't been around he wouldn't have had an affair at all.

Hugs --too bad. You had big DRAMA - with violence (drama cake icing)<br />
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I do not believe we are necessarily flawed because we ended up choosing a partner that lead us to this group. I think one can pick carefully and then find the rules changing on you over time on your subject topic. So many posts on that.<br />
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But just like the perfect marriage, I have to believe there is the perfect door number #3 of the stay, leave or outsource door choices -- sane, smart, confident, discrete; married and staying that way.

Thank you for the food for thought! This is the strongest option I have at this point, given how narrow the options have become.<br />
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I would add Third: You fall fully, completely, and irretrievably in love with your affair partner, your spouse finds out in the middle of divorce proceedings and threatens to turn the kids against you and throw out a favorable agreed property settlement and basically make life very unpleasant for you unless you break it off. Because of this and out a sense of obligation to give the marriage one final chance, you end the affair, still get divorced, then are filled with regret as you desperately seek to regain the love you walked away from and reach out to the one whom you need now more than ever and who hesitates to take you back and rightfully questions your ability to commit.