My Story

So...where do I begin? I have read so many touching stories on this forum that relates to my situation. I just don't know how to put my story into words.

I have been with my H for 11 years and fast approaching our 2nd year wedding anniversary.

Sex was OK for the first couple of years and then it teetered off after the 3rd to 4th year, to the point that we only have sex maybe a couple times a year.

I seem to initiate everything, only to be rejected. My foibles are the causes for him not wanting to be intimate with me. You have to change your ways....

So I do what everyone does, live in hope, perhaps it is my fault? I will months would go on and nothing would happen. I try and initiate sex again, but my timing is always wrong. Apparently!

Then I am told that its still my fault, as he caught me doing something that he doesn't like....don't get me wrong. My H is a nice man, but he can be so stubborn and controlling sometimes. But using my habits/foibles as an excuse to not want to be intimate with me hurts. So I have endured this for 7-8 years now.

We have had loads of fights over this. He refuses to talk about the subject, as nothing can be achieved from this. So he tells me. Whats the point rehashing the same subject? He won't seek counselling, as he thinks this won't help us.

He won't initiate intimacy. My idea of affection differs to him. My fault for wanting to show someone I love them. My fault for wanting to be touched.

He wants Children with me, but how can we, when we barely have sex!

We have reached crunch time. He is waiting for me to decide whether I stay or go. He wants me, but can't tell me when he will want to be intimate with me, unless I change. Me...Im at fault. I am happy with his habits..yet he refuses to accept me for who I am.

So where do I go from here? I am in pain and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love him, but more like a friend. What to do....?

We have this same argument over and over again. He is now making an effort..but not intimately. Well, largely because I told him I need time as I can't even bear being intimate with anyone right now. The rejection over all those years hurt.

Will he suddenyl change his ways? He's had years to do it and has not done so. He's always threatened to leave when I rehash our problems.

I am unfulfilled in this marriage
SnugglesBlue SnugglesBlue
31-35, F
9 Responses Jul 4, 2012

Hon, try not to "beat yourself up" for marrying him AFTER you knew that he was withholding affection/sex and refusing to be intimate with you. You probably thought that marrying him would change things; it didn't. I am sorry to hear it. I am in a very similar situation. I love him and WANT to be with him but CAN'T stand living with him and not "having him" (all the time). I feel pushed away, unloved and thankfully we do NOT have children together. I am dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder. I could not RECOMMEND and enough to you; they will help you see what you are dealing with. TAKING CARE of yourself is UTMOST importance. You deserve to LIVE your life, not merely exist!!! Hugs and hope <3

Welcome to ILIASM. <br />
ba<x>sed on the collective experience here ... No, your H won't change. He is emotionally abusing you, controlling you, and manipulating you. Baz gives you excellent advice above, but it may take you a while to come around to that. In the meantime, read extensively here, of the stories and comments. The more you read, the clearer things will become for you. <br />
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And definitely don't get pregnant with this one.

I can so relate to what you are going through.<br />
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I did have children (2) with my H and as wonderful and hearts and rainbows as kids are they put a whole new spin on everything and they complicate situations-specifically these types of situations. Some people in this group will say you have 2 options-stay and put up with it, or leave. Most of those comments come from men. I will say-it is not that easy. It is not that cut and dry when you have children in the mix. <br />
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That being said, I would advise you to not have children with your husband until things change, for a significant period of time. It feels strange telling someone that because who am I, right? I wish I had waited. I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently. I have spoken with many women, and men for that matter,in our same situation, who wish for the same. I don't have any wise words to offer you, only support.

The answer to your key question is "No, he won't change", not even if someone whispers in his ear in a heavenly way, "The world is doomed unless you do the business."<br />
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He's just so f*cked up it defies explanation. You are responsible for his abject failures. You would be wouldn't you, along with anyone else who might be daft enough to step into the breach once you have had enough and have flown the scene.<br />
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Sit down sometime when alone and it is quiet. Close your eyes. Now project forward in your mind. You have just had a kid. Imagine the feeding, crying, the dead-of-night wake-ups, the ******, ****-soddened nappies, the endless laundry, the cooking, trying to get the kid to eat, drink. Fast-forward a few years and imagine the tantrums, especially in public, worrying about inoculations, what and when, first visit to doctor with them, first visit to dentist with them, the trial and tribulations of first going to school. The bulling issues to be dealt with. You get the idea, 18 years of this slowly unwinding. Now, before you open your eyes again, imagine your husband standing beside you, supporting you practically and emotionally, smiling and shrugging phlegmatically when you can't. Now, open your eyes and think about what you feel. Is it good? Is it confidence-inspiring? At least he won't nag you constantly for sex when you are beyond your mind. Is that a point for the up-side?<br />
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Now, admit to yourself what you really want to do, assuming no practical or psychological barriers you may have.

great advice FOIA. We need to THINK ABOUT OURSELVES when married/living with someone whom refuses to be physically (and emotionally) intimate with us. Is THIS any way to LIVE???

Reading what you wrote really struck a chord with me, it is almost painful. Great advice.

I know and can feel exactly where you are coming from. I have been married for 30 years and like you, in a loveless, sexless marriage. At the start it was pretty good but as it went on she got worse and worse.<br />
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I am a type II Diabetic, I have Neuropathy in my right leg making it difficult to walk and coupled with my balance being shot (brain injury from motorcycle accident) and chronic pain in my back. All the medication I have to take has left me with ED. I found a way around that though. My Urologist prescribed a medication that has to be injected into my penis. I did it and my W and I went at it for four hours. She has sworn she will never do that again! I mentioned it again a couple of weeks ago and she informed me that I would never have sex with her again!<br />
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My W weighs over 300 pounds, refuses to do a damn thing around the house except eat, watch TV and play scrabble on the computer. Oh, and she sleeps for days at a time. She joined Weight Watchers just long enough to bring her weight down to the point that she could have the surgery to replace a knee. Then her weight went right back up. She complains all the time that her new knee hurts, hey dummy, bring your weight down and it will feel better.<br />
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The house is full of scraps of paper that her dog tears up. The dog also pees and craps in the house even though there is a doggy door that she knows how to use along with the 2 cats we have.<br />
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She refuses to clean the house, do dishes, does only her laundry and cooks only for herself. The kitchen floor is full of junk and this is something else she refuses to do, pick up anything that falls on the floor. I can't stand up long enough to do the vacuuming, so that obviously doesn't get done. I have to place the dishes in the dishwasher then put them away, do all the food purchasing, wash and put away all my clothes. She is too stupid to put in or take out dishes from the washer and I also feel she is too stupid to operate the vacuum cleaner<br />
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She is a liar and I can tell when she is lying. Her mouth is moving! I have tried to get her to go to a counselor but she refuses. She refuses to go anywhere with me in public. I think she is trying to buy me into staying. I suggested getting satellite when they got the small antenna, she said "no way in hell". She approved the purchase about 2 years later, even though she was watching it the whole time. I personally installed the satellite system in the house, in 2 bedrooms.aimed it and all. I mentioned getting a big screen because the TV in the living room was going bad. At that time the washing machine quit working (transmission) also. We went to Sears, she opened an account, we got a new washing machine then we went to the TV section. She decided that she wanted a big screen, I insisted on 3D. We ended up with a 50" Plasma TV and it came with a 3D Blu Ray DVD pla<x>yer. She also got me a Kindle from Amazon even though I had to send it back 4 times because it quit working.<br />
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She has her father's 1977 Cadillac Coupe de Ville but has started using my Ford van, leaving me without transportation. I am in a power wheelchair that has to be kept in the van because the house is too small for it.<br />
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I am at my wit's end. She is a ***** most of the time, talking down to me and accusing me of yelling at her when I'm not. She treats me like the village idiot and talks to me in a very sarcastic tone. If I mention that I want to get a divorce she tells me to go ahead she doesn't care. When she isn't being a ***** she is pleasant to be around.<br />
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I'm confused and have started talking to women that live here for companionship and sex. I'm so horny I beep whenever I turn.

Was it like this all 30 years? What was she like before marriage?

Henny Youngman lives !!

My concern is you've suggested therapy to him and he's refusing. If it's really that bad that he's blaming you and he's not willing to do what it takes.....that says a lot right their! I would be suspicious. My H doesn't seem like the type that would go but he cares for our marriage, so he goes. I wonder his reasoning/excuse for that!

Their are no such thing as perfect spouses. He is not a perfect spouse neither are you. You should not have to jump through certain hoops - if I do this If I do that - to get the affection and intimacy you desire. I have read hundreds of stories on EP. I have sadly come to the conclusion that theses type of people rarely change. Their are hardly any stories where the refusing spouse sees the light and transforms into a affectionate person who likes to provide intimacy for their partner. They become so set in the their thinking that the way things are now is the way they will always be.<br />
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So you have emotionally painful choices ahead. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

Don't change for that loser. And most importantly, DON'T HAVE KIDS WITH HIM! <br />
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Go find someone who will love you and screw your brains out, regardless of your faults.

I couldn't AGREE more!!! If he is waiting for YOU to change; it is a BIG RED FLAG that HE needs to change. It is called projection.

The dude is controlling you.<br />
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You are coming out of the fog a bit, and just starting to realise this. And you suspect that the position is untenable longer term. You are right. It isn't.<br />
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At this stage, I'd suggest that you 'play dumb' at this point, let him think that you are still oblivious to this bullshit he is inflicting on you.<br />
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Covertly, go see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you. Put together an exit strategy, and knock it into do-able shape.<br />
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Then - "The Talk". That's where you tell him exactly what you want (and you tell him that from a position of strength - your doable exit strategy).<br />
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Likely, he will call you on this as "he always threatens to leave" and as soon as he does this, kick his arse out the door. And lock it.<br />
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This dysfunctional situation needs to be ended. You'll have to drive that process - as cementhead is perfectly happy with things just as they are, where he runs the show. <br />
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Tread your own path.

Like! Like! Like!!!

The FOG: frustration, obligation and guilt is a termed coined by Susan Forward in her book Emotional Blackmail; see a review for it at and for help with dealing with mentally ill persons with personality disorders.