New Insight @ My Marriage's Downfall

Okay, I was browsing some of the "taken in hand" stories last night. Well some new revelations popped into my head.

It doesn't change my marriage but it changes my views a little bit about my marriage.

I realized just HOW many things were going on at the same time.

1. A woman had been going around saying she wanted to marry my husband. She didn't care that he was married or had 3 children that were difficult.

He was going to go to a marriage interview because he thought that if she was married to him, she'd be willing to help me out with the kidz and stuff.

I was fine until I found a hotel receipt in his pocket which he claimed was to help him get used to sleeping alone for this 5 month trip he went on. 4 months in morocco and 1 month in NC to see his family.

2. We found out the children had autism. I was relieved because the children weren't bad or whatever because I didn't know how to be a mother, or because I wasn't a black woman (he's black) or because I wasn't raised around lots of younger children. There was a reason (other than me) for their behavior.

3. We got on SSI and I got in more control of the money. I became more independent. I have since cut him off of my bank account. He can't access it from his account and he can NOT login to my bank to get money w/o telling me. Now I can budget and get stuff that we need for the house and kidz and yes, ME.

I realize now life was better when he had a REGULAR job that he went to EVERYDAY. And when he had control of all the money. He liked being in control. he liked being the man, except when it comes time to appointments and grocery shopping. So its weird- on one hand he wants me to a sahm but then he wishes I was more independent millenium woman.
darktippedrose darktippedrose
31-35, F
18 Responses Jul 4, 2012

If you really want to go then you will find a way,however you need to seek legal advise,maybe you could find that you could be intittled to stay at home with kids whilst he move out but still incur expenses for sake of children.

thanx :)

Something is really wrong here. You should go if you can.

I would if I could,
but right now I'm not ready and really theres no way I could with 3 children with autism

I am most struck by the hotel receipt. If I found a hotel receipt and got some weird excuse about learning to sleep alone, I would tell him to **** off and move out that night. Where did you think he was the night he stayed at the hotel?

he wouldn't respond to me that night and he said he was out with friends, and at his place of prayer doing religious stuff

You are taking controll of your life and the circumstances that surround it,, Bravo ! You are in a situation where you really need a lot of support,, especially emotionaly,, and it's tough on a person when the one you count on most for that support,, thinks nothing of pushing you away.. <br />
Stay strong dear Lady,, I think your future will be brighter if you have anything to say about it.

who told you everyone has the gene?

what gene?

Wow. You've got quite a lot on your plate. It's good that you've taken more control of your life and that of your childrens'. They need the routine moreso than most children. That makes leaving him difficult at best. Hugs


Ahyone who knows some one or are parents to Autistic children know that any suddon changes can disrupt there routine

after reading this, I see where your revelation came from. If you need to talk about childrn with Autism and Ashberger's syndrome, look me up

thanx. its really hard. sometimes he's understanding, other times no.most of the time its like we're the burden he never wanted, like we're always in the way of what he wants from life or whatever.

by god girl,you have been through the mill,,so sorry to hear this,,and your struggles,it must be tuff,i hope it settles for you soon,,,best of wishes to you,,hope your kids are doing well,,

oh they are very happy. its mommy who isn;t lol. thats okay. kidz dont stay kidz forever.

Sounds like you have a tough journey ahead, good luck

Get out now before You cant stay in a relationship for just your kids and trust me its not worth it and it may hurt them now but in the long term it will be better for you and them

I'm a bit confused as well...not sure how this relates to a TIH relationship at ALL, unless you are saying that you think you want to be in one because you liked it when he had the control of the finances? You realize I hope that there is a lot more that goes into a TIH relationship, I hope. Much of which requires the person taking you in hand to be responsible to you and for you...your husband doesn't sound responsible for much at all, much less you and your children.<br />
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And I wonder if I'm processing this correctly, are you saying you were okay with the idea of him marrying a second wife until you saw the hotel receipt then when realizing he might be cheating (before leaving on an extended FIVE month trip away from you and your children)? <br />
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Confused as I am, your husband sounds like he should take another extended trip...and not return. Keep him out of your back account for sure.

no I wasn't okay with a 2end wife but was trying NOT to flip out.

It has nothing to do with TIH, I can admire TIH, but something from a TIH hand story REMINDED me that thats when hubby went very downill. sorry for the confusion.

Darktipped Rose as a man i can honestly tell you that your husband likes controlling the money because he has control over you.<br />
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Now regarding the hotel reciept that story he sold you is utter bull.shi..t. I travel for work reguarly and am away from home i dont visit hotels to accustomise myself to the situation.<br />
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I would suggest you Visit a Divorce Lawyer form an exit plan and if he wont change put that plan to use. That way he will have to pay Child Support, etc.<br />
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But the choice is yours we can just only offer an opinion.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

yeah I think he would clean up his act just enough to keep me because he already pays child support on 2 children and wouldn't like more to be added.

Just how much he cleans up his act and wheter you choose to stay is up to you. Either way it would be an improvement on the current situation right?

if you read all the posts here I have a plan, just not something thats happening in 2 months but there is a long term plan to get out. I know I am not ready and neither are the kidz. I want a divorce when they are in high school.

why would you wanna be in a situation for that long. There is no sense in staying for the children trust me its not worth the pain and torrment it will cause u in the long term

1 More Response

also, I should mention that EVERYONE has traits of autism. And all children with autism do things that people w/o autism do. the difference with autism is sensory overload and the inability to process information. just something to think about.

My Lady,<br />
Both FOIA and zsuzsilowinger are trying to help in there own way, and I also understand how it is sometimes hard to follow what is going on in your life. But since I have chatted with you in the past I think I understand your issues with your husband and I have seen a vast improvement in you wanting a better life for you and your children. I'm glad that you are taking more control in your life and I completely agree with zsuzsilowinger that most times I feel that you would be oh so much better without your current husband. He is a user and I do not think that from what we have seen is going to change. He likes controlling you and all situations and wants a second woman around for his needs and nothing more. If I had a vote and I know I do not, I would say once you have complete control of your life and the confidences in yourself. I would cut strings and let him have his new wife. Be done with him. You are not his slave! Be ready and when the time is right. Stand up for yourself and kick him to the side!! That's just my thoughts on the matter. Best of luck and we are here both as a friend and a sounding board.

as I have stated before i have NO intentions of staying forever, i plan on slowly slowly making changes in my life moving forward and when teh time is right , god willing, I want a life, w/o HIM. its not forever, its just for now. there way too many changes I need to make in my journey of single

One step at a time, just making sure that direction is the right one for you!! I'm here when you need me for lots of things and I know that others are also. You will make I'm sure of that!!!

Pardon me being should look up autism/asperger's and learn how to communicate with the if nothing else, your kids are eventually going to grow up.<br />
I think my wife's an asperger's person, or at least has some of the traits... things in particular: sensory overload, extreme particular-ness about her things, not able to read body language, not able to understand emotions well, extraordinarily picky, easily startled...oh and a tendency to be extremely critical while being completely oblivious to the receiver's hurt feelings.<br />
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Umm...speaks Elvish. Yes, Tolkien's created language. Gets on tears where she's fascinated by something for about 6 months, then gets bored. Has a math degree but is afraid to call people on the phone. Programs computers for a living. Wishes people could be more like computers.<br />
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Does any of that sound remotely familiar?<br />
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During the Year Of No Sex, before I pitched a fit and we started working on it...I was hugging her, and she misinterpreted my nonsexual, if extremely frustrated hugs as attempts to get in her pants. <br />
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She said my sex drive was "overwhelming," I asked her what she meant by that...this because I consider my sex drive to be...somewhat on the tepid side of normal. My frequency preference would be no more than 3 times a week, less if I'm really busy, tired or not feeling well.<br />
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Anyway, she told me that because I move my hands while touching her in gentle stroking motions she thinks I'm after sex. So for a while I was saying "I am touching you in a nonsexual manner," when I hugged her.<br />
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Something that I think has the potential to forestall arguments that I'm working on...viewing my spouse from a place of compassion. So that the focus isn't so much on my feelings when she does something that really ticks me the h3ll off...

I'm confused by your story. Is your husband part of a religion that practices bigamy? And honestly, do you really think a second woman would be happy to help you out, or woudl it be more competitive for you? She might put you down more, to gain favour.<br />
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Second, what the **** with the receipts for hotels? I don't get what you are hinting at here. Is he sleeping around with that second potential wife?<br />
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Third, what does "taken in hand" have to do with anything you wrote?<br />
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Fourth, everything you've ever written that I've read has made me want to help you get out of your marriage. This is no exception. Getting some power over your own & your families affairs is not something to be made ashamed of.

So, if you just assume for a moment that the autistic traits that have been discovered in the children have a genetic origin, and I am not saying they have, where do you think they might come from and what do you think the implications might be, if there are any?<br />
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P.S. I find your story confusing even after re-reading it, sorry.

my husband has a cousin with autism and he does some similar things that my son does. someone has even implied that my hubby might have aspergers sydrome. doesn't really change anything but it helps me to put everything in perspective

It might, just might, help you understand things better, enable you to cope better, but you are right it won't change things in any practical sense.

However, I will tell you one anecdotal story I read of recently in a newspaper here, of a couple whose child was diagnosed with high-level functioning autism. To cut a long story short, both the mother and father went through an assessment test and discovered that they BOTH had some autistic traits. They claimed that knowing this about themselves, of having that awareness has helped them improve the relationship between them as well as with their child. Of course, that is only one couple's experience.