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The Refusing Control Freak - Drawn Into Battle Again

Recently i have started to catch up with a good friend of mine from many years ago. Last time we caught up about 3 weeks ago he briefly went into how unhappy he was with his current girlfriend.

I could tell he wanted to tell me more but held back as my wife was with us at the time.

Last night he was around for a boys sleep over to watch the State of Origin and boy did i hear and witness plenty.

His missus would of called him about 6 times and messaged him dozens of times. Eventually i asked him what's going on mate. The poor bastard broke down crying confessing that he has been sexless for 4 months that his woman is a control freak and likes to manipulate every aspect of his life.

Apparantly she was now upset that he was watching the footy with a mate let alone sleeping over and he knew there would be hell to pay when he went home.

Boy did he stir up some memories and emotions in me. I remembered my dilemma and how it felt like i was trapped in a War Zone at the time between being refused, the emotional battle with rejection, and the manipulation and silent hostility that went with it.

This morning as i was driving us both to work i had a good chance to talk to him. He was not fully aware of my own troubles over the last 2 years when he made the comment, "You seem to have a good marriage how do you do it mate?" He was shocked to learn that my marriage was far from perfect.

I gave him the spill that things were improved on my front as i took action and drew the line in the sand and that he needed to do the same. He was equally shocked to hear that he has contributed to his own problems by tolerating his girlfriends foul behavour without offering up any consequences in return.

Looking in as the outsider i got a clearer insight at the fear that keeps most partners in dysfunctional marriages/relationships around.

For some reason my friend had a fear. When i broke it down rationally for him he agreed that his fear was unfounded.

I told him she cant take away sex, she has already done that, she cant take your money she already controls that what are you scared of? Turns out she holds over his head that she will boot him out of her parents home leaving him homeless. Fine if that happens you have a room here, are you still scared?? Turns out he wasn't and he was going to give her a piece of his mind when he gets home.

I'm not holding my breath though. I think most of us here are experts at picking up if someone has had enough and is about to pull the pin. I could see it in his eyes that he still held fear and that he was just not there yet.
Frustrated1978 Frustrated1978 31-35, M 4 Responses Jul 4, 2012

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while you believe you have the power in your marriage because of the money..<br />
your wife is working her own plan...<br />
or at least I pray she is actually working, if not she is a fool<br />
for you have the financial power and as long as only you do<br />
your marriage is a lie

This "fear" thing intrigues me "F".<br />
<br />
I had it, and could never quite put my finger on what, specifically, I feared. I could break it all down into its' component parts, address each component rationally and ob<x>jectively which you would figure would greatly allay the fear.<br />
<br />
Yet, somehow, I still felt it - enough to hold me inert for quite a while. Far too long, before I figured I'd just have to "crash through or crash" it.<br />
<br />
I've seen some great insights into it on this board, but nothing I have yet read quite "nails it" for me.<br />
<br />
Sorry, I'm rambling, but it still interests me greatly as a concept, and frustrates me as I can't quite grasp it.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

It intrests me to Baz. I had it for quite a while the fear, of losing my kids, my possesions, some friends, and so on.

Just like you no matter how i rationalised it i had fear in me. I guess we just get used to living a certain way even if it is bad that becomes part of everyday life for us. A really unhealthy and dysfunctional way of life but sadly a reality.

I think you are right when you say you have to crash or crash through it.

For me my way around it came when i had a gutful of the sh..it and the pain &amp; misery it was bringing me.

Only then did i say fuc..k it i dont care anymore is when i was set free of my fear.

Hi Baz - I am experiencing blood-freezing fear on a regular basis and working through some realisations right now about primeval/organic pain. I may post a story about it soon. The best thing I have ever read on this subject is "The Power of Now" by Eckardt Tolle. Gobsmacking...I read it 6 times in 4 months and remains the most insightful thing I've ever read about human nature and relationships.

Good grief....I've actually thought about leaving with no where to go - I was homeless when I was a very young adult, it's doable and you know what's really sad about that? It's better to live in a fridge box then with a sexless spouse and they can't even see how dam sad that really is.

I hope you told him about this forum!!!

Actually i did. I confessed to him my little secret and how i read up here and learned plenty. Says he will have a good read tonight. I hope he does